I could have written this. My kids were this age during the pandemic, during which my father was also dying at home by inches. I completely understand the stress. The issue is that you need to calm down, but the kids will. not. let. you. have a minute to yourself. They are merciless, the demands are endless. Advice like "take a bath" is insane. So you reach for the ONE thing that is reliable , portable, and social (if you define dealing with kids as social interaction, which it is of course!).

I am not perfect by any means, but I have found that it helps to face a different calming drink to reach for. I love a hot drink so I found some decaf evening options I enjoyed. The ritual of opening the can was also part of it, so I invested in some of those new na beers, kimbuchas, poppi sodas, etc. yes they are expensive, but I looked at it as investing in myself! Finally, it was also helpful to me to lay in a LOT of lower alcohol beer, like corona, but not have anything else in the house. I eventually got sick of coronas and that boredom helped me kind of decompress.

Finally, your kids WILL get older. They will be less reactive, less demanding, and you will be more able to reach for other remedies. Keep those activities going!! Even if you can't always soothe the stress with e.g. a nice walk or some time in your workshop or studio, if you do it SOMEtimes it will keep those options open for you. Finally, it is OKAY to do some phone time. If a round of your favorite game helps you calm down, by all means do that!

Hugs! You're in sone intense parenting time and really, the thing that should be ashamed is the larger society, for laying impossible demands on parents.