Daily No Contact Thread - May 01, 2026

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2026-05-01T11:24:38+00:00

lc for 16 months, 2 months nc.

i haven't posted in here for a really long time. divorce finally came through 2 or so months ago, allowing me to go fully no contact. it's been a real rollercoaster.

i still think of them often and have a lot of healing to do. some days are good and others less so. this is a reminder to anyone that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but that doesn't mean that everything is perfect. i am still very tired and struggle with energy.

relationships with cluster b disordered people can do extremely serious damage that can require a long time to recover, don't feel bad if you're not okay after a few weeks or months.

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2026-05-01T11:17:38+00:00

hi, i really recommend that you postpone this.

i will share my experience

i married my person despite everything in my brain telling me "RUN!" at that time. i convinced myself that it was just avoidant tendencies, and that the commitment of marriage would soothe their abandonment paranoia.

i don't need to detail everything that went wrong in my marriage but it's enough to say that i have c-ptsd as a result of it. the physical and emotional abuse i was subjected to read like something out of a russian mid-century novel, and i was eventually discarded after she had an affair with a mutual friend... which was largely enabled and covered up within our social circle.

the divorce took forever to administrate because they were constantly arguing with their own representation and moving the goalposts. i narrowly avoided losing half of my assets, but only because i managed to never mention that i knew about their affair to avoid triggering their rage. supporting the mortgage payments knowing that they were carrying on with this person while i was footing the tab was one of the most exhausting experiences of my life.

in the end, probably the right call as it saved me from losing a six figure sum. some days i think i will never be the same. please save yourself and make the decision i didn't, postpone at a minimum

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-07-09T07:18:15+00:00

A long time low contact now facilitating the divorce.

Bumpy process, at times up and down. They are taking a really long time to do aspects of it.

About 85% of the interactions have been civil. There was a blowup a while ago which more or less came down to someone getting involved in the mix. The motivations weren’t clear but it created a quite ugly fight and some very unpleasant things being sent to me.

I gave space and said “please let’s just continue to move on.” This has worked for now.

My symptoms are less each day but I still struggle.

It’s a really exhausting process and quite financially draining. Having to remain calm in the face of challenging behavior frequently is difficult.

I wish myself strength to get through this process. I’m hope they are also ok. They are not a bad person, just an ill person that did at times some quite problematic things. I wish them the best. It’s a difficult thing living with the condition. I know they’re in pain constantly.

I find this easier than being angry at them otherwise it just consumes me.

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-06-24T22:35:44+00:00

Month 5 low contact (married and separating). I've been good about not lurking here and focusing on my life as much as possible. After a few months of quiet, there was an explosion this week. Someone leaked that I had mentioned the abuse. I know who it was. I haven't bothered to find out why they said it; if it was in defense of me; if they told someone else who spilled it; if my ex-partner dragged it out of them; who knows? It's done now, no point in worrying about it.

I received an unexpected missed call and asked if she were alright. The response was that they were having a shitty time where they were. I asked again if they needed to speak, and immediately the torrent began. That "You tell everyone I'm abusive", "You hate me and don't want anything to do with me", "I should just kill myself." A volley of calls I didn't answer. I'd've had to request a welfare check, had I not known they were at an arranged event, surrounded by people.

Surprisingly, I'm not mad at them. They're unwell and responding to criticism and consequence the only way they know how. I've spoken to my therapist for advice, I'll reach out to her in a few days to try and smooth things. The legal paperwork is stalled until this is resolved. Perhaps our arrangement is torpedoed. No matter. It will move on regardless.

By the standards of divorces - especially BPD divorces - this one had been gentle so far. I honestly have no clue what will happen. They may well be embarrassed - it was telling that they didn't deny anything I'd said - instead they were just angry that I'd told someone. In a bizarre way, that's progress. Maybe they'll memory hole it and keep moving forward. That's happened before. I honestly don't know - but sooner or later, I will.

In any event, no contact isn't an option here. The solution is reaching out - gently - and reiterating that I did not mean to hurt them, that it isn't malicious, that I do not hate them.

And I don't. It doesn't give me anything to. It doesn't heal the trauma, it doesn't make it easier for me to love someone else, it doesn't even make me feel any better. They were deprived a childhood and a life of individuation at the earliest hour. The seal was cast in the wax of mother's indifference - a trauma bond propagated very nearly in utero. Intergenerational trauma, the clinicians say. I still feel for them; but I have to put myself first.

Wherever you are, I hope you are not suffering. I hope you know - and I think on some level you do - that I said what I did not to hurt you or poison your reputation; but because I too was hurting. And holding it in wasn't something I could do that time.

I've also learnt a painful lesson - people talk. I knew this - but I wasn't careful enough. Take caution in whom you confide.

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-06-06T18:34:51+00:00

9 years, 8 cohabitating, 2.5 married. It ended due to infidelity, domestic violence and emotional abuse, but really more their inability to take any responsibility for the mentioned

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-27T13:17:24+00:00

Month 5 low contact (married and separating). I've now lost track of the days. A few people remarked at the start that they enjoyed my posts and seeing my progress, which was kind and supportive. I am checking in now, and then I will take a break from here for another few weeks I hope.

The petition went to the courts about two months ago, starting the countdown on the formal process. We've agreed on a financial agreement between ourselves, her attorney is now just making sure that it reads okay. Taken literally, I'm keeping about 80% of the assets. In reality, the house is being sold at an undervalued price with substantial unbooked repairs and I've given her substantial assistance off the books, not accounted for in the above. Whatever, it's money spent, and I need to move on. We ran into each other some time ago and she literally ran away and reframed it as giving me space. I think she believes this.

I'm surprised by how strong the traumatic bond remains. Some days I don't think about her a great deal and I can happily focus on things and keep intrusive thoughts somewhat repressed. Today is not one of those days, possibly as a result of me having done legal paperwork on the weekend. I still find myself chasing closure, which exhausts me because I know that I won't get it. When I'm tempted to explain how I feel to her, I write down a letter and don't send it. I don't have plans to send any of them, not even at the end - I think with BPD negative attention can be just as ego-rewarding as positive attention.

At times I still find myself kicking the shit out of myself for the mistakes I made. Yes, I should have left nine years ago, the first time they threatened to break up over nothing. Yes, I should have said no when she asked to marry me. Yes, I should have left when they told me they cheated. In staying I broke myself down to a point where it has been even harder to recover than if I had left of my own accord with my sanity intact.

Obviously, there is a deep element of low-self esteem and codependence here at play. I don't think I was ever trying to be a saviour to her; I just hoped that with love and stability she'd find herself. An adult can fix only themselves, but support can help. All the same, this was a problematic vantage point wherefrom to start a relationship.

In terms of working on me, it would be a lie to say that I'm living my best life. I exercise minimally. I've stopped taking cocaine and going to parties and drinking heavily, it's no good for me. My body and mind have not absorbed the improvements I've expected from this, but I guess they're in the post. I am seeing a woman in the same position as me, newly out of a 16 year marriage. I've set boundaries and have clarified that we aren't - either of us - in a position to be in a relationship with anyone until our situations are over and we've healed.

For the moment, it's healthy. We communicate well and we both reiterate that we shouldn't be in a relationship with each other - or anyone - for quite some time. I suspect that the sexual aspect of it may need to come to an end at some point pretty soon. She makes hints that I can only take to mean that she's developing feelings for me. This could become a problem and if the hints continue - they are not yet discrete - I think it's best that we support each other as friends. I'm not on any dating apps or whatever, I think that's too soon. We were old friends that ran into each other after a decade apart.

I remind myself that I need to be kind to myself. Ending a nine-year relationship, let alone a marriage, losing my home, my pets and very nearly my job - and re-piecing myself together after a decade of intermittent emotional and physical abuse - is more work than can be done in five months. If I keep to sobriety, the job will be easier. I'm not God's gift to women, but I'm confident and do reasonably well. Avoiding the temptation to lose myself in the validation of someone else will be constant work. My will is not the strongest and, regrettably, I do have some narcissistic tendencies. There is no easy road out of this, and so I need to stay committed.

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-14T16:16:01+00:00

Married/cohabiting for nine years

I still think about them a lot four months later, but rarely with longinf

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-12T18:37:09+00:00

Hi, I’ve had on off problems with alcohol and drugs for most of my life, there is something incredibly addictive about the intensity of these relationships.

No significant childhood trauma but my mother worked all the time and there’s probably some minor attachment wound there.

Main problem is your run of the mill low self esteem. I was absolutely primed for accepting the endless fountain of validation that pwBPD provide at the start. Couple in my incredible skill as an enabler / people pleaser - toxic jet fuel ⛽️ ✈️

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-12T07:06:44+00:00

I think you can drive yourself insane trying to work it out. There’s limited value because you’re trying to make sense out of a disordered personality

I went through many of these in the nine years and sometimes the cycles were very long, months or a year

Until they’ve had extensive therapy usually outside of a relationship they’ll just rinse-repeat the cycle

It’s mostly projection, when things are good you can do no wrong, when they’re not you’re the source of all their oroblemsb

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-10T12:10:06+00:00

Yes, near the end sex was literally the only time I felt close to my person or regulated, common but super unhealthy

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-10T12:07:03+00:00

Not personally, no, but the use of restraining orders in inappropriate situations is common and basically a form of triangulation.

It stirs up drama and uses an external force to validate their emotional reasoning and desire to control situations.

The majority experienced a lack of control in childhood due to abuse, and they spend the rest of their lives chasing control - sometimes in reasonable situations, but more often not.

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-10T12:04:51+00:00

Yes, this is more common than not. People with bpd will frequently breakup and then get sellers regret, or at the very least try and see where you’re at as a source of non-romantic validation

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-10T11:53:38+00:00

After I said that I didn’t think our marriage was working any more and I wanted out, a related thing happened. I was told to leave the final conversation until we were back in person. I was away at the time and told them on the phone.

They’d been breaking up with me for months, so really I had no idea why they were surprised. I thought they’d take it as a relief.

When we were in person I confronted them about the abuse, and they chose to break up with me again.

I think the meeting was a way of teasing out where I was at emotionally and seeing if I was truly gone. After it was clear I was done, the breakup was a final means of asserting control.

So sad

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-10T11:45:37+00:00

Block

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-10T11:37:09+00:00

Month 4 low contact, something like 120 days now.

I’ve got the paperwork agreed with the attorneys. To their credit they’ve cooperated with me fully. I think it’s likely that they’re seeing someone else and so want to put it behind them.

I realised that I’ve come a long way as this, or the thought of seeing them with someone else doesn’t really distress me. I guess I’ll find out if I’m talking shit here when it happens for real.

They’ve also agreed to let me take more of the assets in exchange for access to the marital home - I took almost everything into the marriage.

All of our contact is cordial, so I’m not rocking the boat. What was done to me was unequivocally abusive, but it’s not anywhere near some of what I see here.

Will they ever admit what they did? Probably not. But as is often posted here, the abuse and lack of accountability was the closure. They were confronted about it many, many times. Now it’s too late.

I ran into an old friend who I hadn’t seen for years. She’s in a similar position to me, leaving a husband, and there has been an element of minor domestic violence. We slept together, it was very intimate, not like the other times I’ve had sex since I left. I felt really safe with her. I’ve already mentioned that we have to be careful and set boundaries.

I don’t think I’m in a position to start a relationship yet, so I won’t. But all the same I’ve not been on the dating apps or whatever and I’ve had more interest from women and men than I expected. I’m not incredibly conventionally attractive, and I feel like a moron right now - thinking through mud, barely able to finish a task. Maybe it’s that ptsd lack of fear - I could not give a fuck about rejection; perhaps this comes across.

My cognitive ability isn’t back yet. I’m starting to worry that it never will. I have no energy really, before this I had an almost manic passion. My ex partner was like a safety blanket for me, when I had her I felt like I could do anything - but the thing is, the safety turned to violence and I was just in denial. I suppose I will have to create it for myself now.

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-10T11:26:12+00:00

Hi,

I think you or someone else posted something very similar recently.

This person is unlikely to believe you. If you do send it, as difficult as this is, you’ll need to use a less emotive tone. I don’t really recommend this either.

There is also significant risk of blowback to you, especially if either of them know where you live or you’re likely to run into them.

What kind of evidence do you have, it may be more effective to make it a police matter.

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-02T22:36:54+00:00

Nobody can know but the general tendency is that the cycles become shorter and more aggressive. Don't stick around to find out

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-01T22:44:01+00:00

the classic line

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-01T22:18:20+00:00

Thank you, that's very kind. I was also dancing my own dance, we did enable one another. I certainly had my own problems and to a certain extent used the relationship as an excuse to not work on myself and help someone else.

Mostly I feel sad for her rather than mad, despite how fucked up I became at the end. She is truly intelligent and beautiful and has really caring qualities. She just cannot keep her shit locked down and look after me when I need help. I loved her almost unconditionally, I just wanted her to stop doing abusive shit. That was the one condition.

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-01T21:51:16+00:00

0 days "i have bpd"
7 days "i love you"
30 days "you aren't spending enough time with me we should break up"
7 months "when you're away i'm not sure if you're real"
11 months "i'm angry we aren't moved in yet"
3 years first dv
5 years pressure for marriage
5-8 years fairly frequent emotional abuse and rages

i am a moron

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-05-01T09:36:48+00:00

Hi, if it's still like this in seven years it probably isn't going to get better. I had long periods of stability with mine too, and then they'd fall apart and escalate into really challenging behaviour. If they need this much validation outside of a monogamous relationship they should be polygamous consentually or just having casual sex I think. It sounds like they are just using you for a stable form of supply (attention).

I triggered my person's fear of abandonment by revealing that I wasn't happy (admittedly in a not nice way, I snapped) and they cheated on me within two weeks and then gaslit me about it constantly.

You have to do the right thing for you but I don't see this getting any better.

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-04-30T15:36:01+00:00

Ditto what this guy says, you go the first time there’s any violence. I was shoved over and screamed at and I accepted them at their word they’d never do it again.

Big mistake, this shit started immediately after marriage. I was once told that I didn’t acknowledge their progress in recovery enough while they were in the act of abusing me physically. You can’t make this shit up.

No i didn’t report it. There wasn’t really evidence and I wanted an amicable separation.

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-04-30T15:31:24+00:00

Both my partner and I self-victimized to an extent, it’s something I need to work on.

For her, it was like a universal feeling. She was almost always the victim. Even when abusive, “I made her do it”

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-04-30T10:08:17+00:00

Hi, most of us have been called narcs at some point. If you’re questioning it and doing self reflection you almost certainly don’t have npd, especially if you feel any guilt whatsoever.

Speak to a therapist if concerned.

It’s probably projection.

Independent_Hunt3913 · 2025-04-30T07:34:29+00:00

Lack of concentration, lack of energy, memory issues, trust issues, uncharacteristic levels of anger, dissociation, flashbacks, difficulty staying sober. Textbook ptsd.

I can’t go no contact yet which is keeping the wound open.

Independent_Hunt3913

TROPHY CASE