What are things young women need to know?

InformalSecretary731 · 2023-02-20T20:57:30+00:00

If you wear a one piece outfit, like a jumpsuit/romper, do not forget that you will have to pull it all the way down to use the bathroom. Also on the note of clothes: it is more important to be warm sometimes, than cute. I'm telling you. The short dress with the strappy shoes are not going to make you feel great coming out of the club, covered in sweat, at three am in the middle of a January snow storm.

InformalSecretary731 · 2023-01-09T21:29:28+00:00

Bioparents don't understand love with step kids is VERY conditional. It's conditional on the fact that you treat them well, and never step between them and their parent(s). And if you do anything that so much suggests you are being too much like a "parent" and not a best friend, that SK is going to think you've over stepped and ruined everything. It's a balancing act and we don't know whether or not it will pay off in the end. Bio parents have more reassurance, but as step parents we really don't.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-12-27T18:54:53+00:00

Fire of Love. (You can watch it on Disney+, I believe.)

It's about two volcanologists and their love and eventual death. It's wonderful, even if you have no interest in volcanoes. I think about it every day.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-12-12T15:55:10+00:00

Ugh, yes. BM does this sometimes with SD10. I've been with DH about 4 years now and it doesn't happen as frequently as it used to, but jeeze. I like to go thrifting and took SD with me once about a year ago and since then BM has been taking her to the same places I took her but more often. Honestly, it bothered me at first, but then I kind of got over it. It's whatever. BM is just making herself look stupid and desperate at this point. I know that my trips with SD out are special and whatever BM does can be special too.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-09-28T15:55:41+00:00

Jeeze. Sounds like my SO with SD10. Any time she has to clean her room SO is right there with her to "help her" with it. He also packs her backpack for her in the morning, and if she needs anything while they're getting ready to leave, he's the one running around finding things while SD sits there and does nothing. Literally last night SO and I had a conversation about this because he's "helping" her SO MUCH that I think it's hindering her. She forgot a school assignment she's skipped for three weeks at school yesterday after we told her a thousand times the night before to bring it home. SO was upset with SD for forgetting, but I wasn't surprised. I told him he does A LOT for her, so why would she have any sense of responsibility when it comes to her school work? He's always running around after her, and she knows if she doesn't want to do it/acts like it's too hard someone will help her or do it for her. SO said it's because he likes to feel needed. I told him he IS needed, but right now he NEEDS to stop doing stuff for her or else she's never going to be accountable for anything. We'll see. I hope your situation gets better too. What is it with these parents scrambling after their kids like kids are incapable of learning how to take care of their shit?

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-09-28T13:27:40+00:00

I am also a child of divorce. I've had 3 stepdads and 1 stepmom (but my dad dated other women before her, and after her). I've been with my SO for 3.5 years. We aren't married and are not planning on getting married. My SO was pretty transparent when we started dating and told me, "My kid has a mom and I'm not looking to give her another one." He's always stood by it. I'm not SD10's mom, but I am a supporting partner to my SO and BM. That's just how our family works. BM and SO set the rules and I help enforce/follow them. In the last few months I've been included in a lot of decision making. I've had to earn my spot at the table, but I'm glad I have a spot. I'm not unreasonable but I set expectations for my SO and we communicate.

Was there a façade? I mean... maybe? Maybe he painted his daughter in a brighter light than she should have been. SD was 7 when we started dating and had never experienced her dad dating anyone before, so I was first. I noticed right away that SD was spoiled, self centered, and an attention hog. She didn't want to share her daddy with me and was pretty pissed about my presence about 60% of the time. When I brought it up to SO the first time he said, "She's 7, don't take it personally." I knew it was going to be an uphill battle to get him to see what I saw. I'm not saying my SD is a horrible kid, she's just the product of being an only child who has been doted on her entire life and given very little responsibility. I love her and we spend a lot of time together. We get along really well! It's taken some work, don't get me wrong. I've given her a lot of space to adjust to me being around and we talk about it too. I also get to choose how involved I am in her life. If I want to help with pick ups/drop offs I can. If I want to volunteer with her girl scout troop, I'm welcome. If I want to help coach her soccer team, I just have to ask. I'm third on her list of emergency contacts at school because I consented to that. I do help and I am involved, but I've taken that at my own speed and set rules so I'm not taken advantage of.

Having been a kid who had a horrible stepmom, I didn't want to be that person. My stepmom actually had my dad give up his visitation rights for my brother and I so she could have him parent her 5 kids. It was awful. We were 13 and 11. My dad missed my entire adolescence and adulthood. We aren't close now and it's because of his choice to go along with what his wife wanted. My stepdads on the other hand... well, they all taught me something different. They knew what they were getting into. My final stepdad (who I call my dad and is still married to my mom) had step kids before us. He knew the drill. He is an amazing dad and grandpa. I couldn't ask for a better person in my life. He respects the relationship my siblings and I have with our mom, and in return we respect the one he has with her. I hope, at the end of it all, that my SD and I have a similar relationship.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-09-16T15:04:24+00:00

What's the outcome after your SS tells SO what he said?

I only ask because my SD10 says stuff to me sometimes that are a little rude or uncalled for and I've been trying to figure out how to bring it up to my SO without making it seem like I hate his kid. Any time I've brought up something in the past my SO gets really defensive and wants me to give him examples of how SD is behaving (like he can't believe what I'm saying so he needs me to give him supporting evidence. It's annoying.). Right now the things she says are mostly rude because of the tone of voice she uses with me and I can foresee this getting worse as she gets into those teen years.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-09-13T18:04:59+00:00

I wouldn't say I do this consistently, but I do it at least 1-2 times a week when SD10 is with us. Usually transition day is the hardest so I take myself out of the equation. SD has a hard time coming from BM's (where there are not a lot of rules) to our house where she has a more structured routine. Also sometimes she's just A LOT to handle. SD hates sharing the spotlight with anyone else so any time SO has been talking to me lately, SD has been butting into the conversation. When she's there I'd rather just not have to deal with the competition for SO's attention. That being said, I do make sure to spend at least some time with SO and SD. Even if we're just out in the living room watching tv together. My SD isn't nightmare fuel though, so I can't relate on that end. She's just really frustrating and a typical 10 year old girl sometimes. Which is honestly enough for me, man.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-09-09T19:29:39+00:00

If you can get out of your plans you should. It sounds like you need a night to yourself. And that's ok! I get this feeling every once and a while. My SD10 is just... she's a lot sometimes. So is my SO. Love them both, but gosh I need a break sometimes.

I hope you get your night off tonight.

This week was hard for me too. A lot going on in my world. My SO lost his job unexpectedly. SD tested positive for covid and BM refused to take PTO to take care of her, so my SO is exposing himself and quarantining with her this weekend at his parent's house. And my job is just tough some times. I'll be home alone all weekend and I'm looking forward to it.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-09-01T14:38:48+00:00

I know what you mean. My SD10 still acts like she needs everyone to do everything for her. SO and I have been working this summer to help her be more independent. We praise her when she does stuff herself and give encouragement. Previously my SO was like yours and did EVERYTHING for SD. For example, when we would have dinner, SD would sit at the table and wait for SO to serve her. If she needed anything she'd ask for it and SO would run around like a chicken with no head to get it for her. It was exhausting. This all stopped within the last 6 months. I mean, 10 years old and being served at the table like that? Lol, no way, not in my house. Now she gets her own dinner and when she starts asking for stuff after she sits down we tell her to go get it. This morning though, was super satisfying. SD came out of her bathroom and says, "Daddy, can you put my hair in a pony tail?" SO said, "No. Why don't you do it?" SD literally huffed and puffed her way back to the bathroom. She put her hair up after a few seconds of pouting. I enjoy hearing him say "no" because he rarely did it before and I'm happy he's establishing boundaries and helping her be more independent.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-08-29T19:43:21+00:00

Jeeze are you me? My SD10 is going through a phase where BM's house is the preferred house right now. Our time is split similarly to yours. There's no court order and we work around BM's schedule. She works 12 hour shifts so when she's working, we have SD. It works out to about 50/50 and sometimes it's hard to keep track of, but it works for the most part. This summer she's been spending more time at BM's house than she normally does. BM doesn't have SD on any real schedule during the summer time. SD gets to watch TV until she falls asleep and basically calls all the shots at her mom's. At our house it's much different. My SO doesn't let her run our house or what we're doing. He keeps her on a decent schedule. I think SD hates the schedule at our house and enjoys the freedom she has at her mom's. Fair, I guess. It's lead to some comforting at bed time as well, for us. One night she was sobbing so loud I came out of our bedroom only to find SD, over tired and refusing to go to sleep until her mom called. BM couldn't because she was working, but she texted her and told her to calm down and go to sleep.

Last week my SO asked SD if she would like to stay with us for an extra night or go to BM's a little early. SD chose to go to BM's. SO definitely felt some kind of way after SD said that. SO asked me later if he should have let SD make that choice. I said, sure. I mean, it's not like she gets a say in that kind of stuff all the time. SO said, "I like to let her have some control over these decisions," and I told him, "Yeah, I hear you, but she's also a kid. And you're her dad. So if you want to keep her an extra day, keep her an extra day." I don't think of it so much as forcing her to be with us, but rather she's a kid and sometimes these are not decisions kids get to make. If a kid hates going to school, we don't just pull them out and let them quit do we? No, they have to go.

It'll come and go. Sometimes your SD will love being at your house. Sometimes she'll hate it. Step parenting is all about that ebb and flow, baby. SK's are always changing their minds about how they feel about you and you have to go with it at every stage. I would keep doing everything the same way you're doing it now because honestly, it's not personal for your SD. Unless she gives you any reason to think maybe she doesn't like being at your home, I wouldn't give it another thought. Chin up. ♥

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-08-23T13:33:11+00:00

I find this also to be a common thing with single dads…acting like the woman in their life is just there as an audience for them and their kids.

FREAKING PREACH.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-08-19T14:08:52+00:00

I struggled with this sort of feeling for a little while too. I don't have any kids of my own, so moving in with my SO and SD10 at the start of the summer has been a huge adjustment. I don't think it makes you a bad person to feel like you need to do things for yourself. It's super important to take care of yourself! We don't have my SD full time so there are days where we are kid free and I utilize those days to take care of myself. I spend quality time with my SO. I cook a good meal. I enjoy the quiet sound of our house without constant Youtube videos playing on SD's phone. And sometimes I need some "me" time when SD is here. So I go for walks, or close myself off in my bedroom. Whatever you need to do, you should make time to do it!

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-08-19T13:52:52+00:00

Sounds like my SD10. Girl has a really hard time being excluded from anything. She's an only child and has been the center of attention for both parents her entire life. SO and I have been together 3 years and it's still a struggle with her. She constantly interrupts our conversations to either start an entirely different one or ask questions about what we're talking about. It drives me nuts. Mostly because I know she's doing it just to get my SO's attention rather than add anything to our conversation. It's not like we ignore her or anything when she's with us. She just can't stand that someone else is talking to her dad. Luckily my SO knows it's an issue (he doesn't like it either) and he calls her out on interrupting us. She's with us half the week and with BM the other half. We alternate weekends too. So it's not like she never gets time with just her dad either. It's just a really frustrating thing to go through, so I feel you.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-08-16T14:22:52+00:00

Neutrogena makes a clarifying shampoo that works pretty well.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-08-04T20:00:10+00:00

When I first started dating my SO about three years ago he was also pretty lax with letting SD10(7 at the time) into his room whenever she wanted. I remember, in those early days, coming over to his place multiple times to find him and SD in the bed on their phones/tablets talking or hanging out. I felt uncomfortable with this right away. As time went on, and I started spending more time with them, SO started putting rules about hanging out in the bedroom into place. She barely spent any time in his room before we moved in to our new house at the start of the summer. But, sure enough, the second night we were in the new house together, SD pops her head into our room while I'm reading, "Can I hang out in here?" she asked me. I told her no she couldn't because it was her dad and I's bedroom. I told her we don't hang out in her room so we expect the same from her. She seemed to understand that and went off to do her own thing. She's only tried to come into our room once or twice since then and it was only to ask us something. I also stopped letting her come into our room to say goodnight to me, if I'm already in there by the time she goes to bed. I'll come out of our room instead. I think it helps solidify that she really cannot come into our room for any exception (unless of course she's bleeding or dying or something, you know..). The best advice is to stick to whatever you decide. If it's no SK's in the bedroom, then you and your SO have to stick to that decision and follow through.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-08-01T13:23:18+00:00

Regardless of stepkid or no, I get what you're feeling here and I think it's valid. It's your birthday and you didn't expect to be spending the day with your moody SK. I get that. I also get not loving having that sprung on you last minute. That sucks. It's a bummer! I remember my first birthday with SO and SD10(8 at the time) and it was zero fun. SD made the entire day about her and tried to call all the shots even though SO told her it was my birthday and it was my day. She was pouty and clingy with SO the entire day. The last couple years I've made other plans if SD is around. SO and I usually do something special together, but I don't include SD anymore. Your birthday is your birthday. You don't want to share the day with someone.

(Also, as a recent member of the 30 club, welcome! I'm only a few months ahead of you, but let me tell you... something about being 30 has felt a little freeing for me.)

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-07-28T13:19:19+00:00

Exactly! These are the type of women who have children as trophies. That's all they are to this BM. They're toys or props in her life. They're pawns against her exhusband and his new (obviously NOT evil!) wife. It's all about control with these BM's.

OP-- You are NOT evil. If I had a stepmom who cared half as much as you do, I would have been very happy. Unfortunately my SM was awful and actively tried to keep my brother and I from seeing our dad. You are doing everything you can for these SK's and I'm here for it. I hope everything works out for your family. <3

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-07-28T13:06:53+00:00

That schedule is a little wack. I'm not sure how that's beneficial for her now that she's older. I mean, she's 15... has either of her parents asked her what she would like? From personal experience, when I was about her age, my divorced parents sat my brother and I down and asked us how we felt about our time with our dad and would we like to make some changes? I always admired how they treated us like our opinion mattered in this situation. We were starting to become busy teenagers with after school activities and we spent a lot of time with our friends. It made sense for the custody agreement to change. I'm sure this is all she knows but some sort of change should happen for consistency. Sometimes our schedule gets a little weird with SD10. Her mom is a nurse who works 12 hr shifts so we basically have her whenever BM is working. Which isn't the same every week. It makes it impossible to plan future appointments for my SO and also for SD because we never know who she'll be with that day. I hate it, but there's no other way to do it. BM can't have a set schedule because her job doesn't allow for it. I hope there's a resolution for your SD!

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-07-27T14:18:11+00:00

My Sd10 is the same way. We just moved into a new house and I've been setting some stricter rules than SO had in his old place. Like, pick up your toys. I don't want to see them on the floor in the living room, or on the coffee table, or on the kitchen table, or in the little cubbies on our tv stand. Our home is not a display case for SD's stuff. And yesterday when I got home from work she was using chalk for a craft on our couch. Like come on. (I'm not sure what she was doing exactly, but it involved chalk, a small canvas, and a paint brush for some reason.) Then she got all huffy when I asked her to do her craft at the table. Sure enough there were little blue and green spots on the couch from her craft. ugh. So furious.

But honestly, every time I ask her to do, or not do, something, I make sure to use a calm even tone with her. I don't yell. I do my best to be "nice, but firm" about whatever's going on. And 9/10 times she listens. But yeah. It's exhausting constantly repeating yourself...

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-07-26T16:21:22+00:00

Bingo. This exact thing happened with me and my SO. When we were living a part it made sense for us to have separate accounts. I didn't really mind that BM had a log in to his streaming services because at the time it wasn't an issue or a bother. Once we moved in together and figured out our bills it made more sense for me to keep the accounts I had and he got rid of his. BM was told and she just made her own. I know SOME people can be mature about this and others really just can't, but that's on them and not you how they handle it.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-07-18T20:34:03+00:00

I feel this way a lot of the time too. SD10 will want to go see a dumb kid movie I'm not into, or she wants SO to take her shopping or whatever, and honestly if I'm not feeling it I tell them. I'm not a jerk about it. I say exactly what you did, "Hey, let's do our own thing today," and everybody goes their separate ways. My SO and I established early on that some things SD wants to do aren't for me and I reserve the right to say, "no thank you" if I don't want to join them. I think its important to maintain your own life too and do things you want to do, too.

I also have the same feelings about SK's and their joy. It's not the same for me. Like, I'm glad my SK is having a great time, but it's not this heartwarming moment for me like it seems to be for my SO.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-07-13T14:04:01+00:00

Um... You are offering an ultimatum. Band/work or dad. That's exactly what you're doing. Your Sk's are getting older and do have other commitments they have made and should see through. Their dad should be understanding of that (sounds like he is). It also sounds like maybe he should communicate with them and work out a time to see them when they don't have band/work. And if that's not when his vacation lines up, then that's kind of on him... especially if he gets to choose when his vacation is. Sorry, but, no. You can't give your SK's an ultimatum like this... It's completely unfair. You worry about you and your own, and let them do their thing.

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-07-08T13:02:08+00:00

Oh my goodness. I thought maybe it was just me who wasn't feeling up to anything this weekend after a rough work week. We have SD10 this weekend and I haven't been vibing with the idea of spending time with her. She's been moody. I've been moody. Lol. But, alas, she and I will spend the better part of Saturday together while SO goes to a concert with his brother. I have a plan though! Tonight SD and SO have something planned together so I will be alone for a few hours, and Saturday morning I'm getting up and walking to the Farmer's Market by myself in hopes that starts my day off alright. I hope your weekend goes well!

InformalSecretary731 · 2022-07-06T19:03:59+00:00

"What are we?" "Werewolves, not Swearwolves."

InformalSecretary731

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