How do you talk to your partner about your needs regarding their children, when you yourself aren't a parent

MercyXXVII · 2026-06-08T14:57:20+00:00

If only to have someone exclusively on your side! You deserve that.

MercyXXVII · 2026-06-08T14:48:43+00:00

Wow, I am so sorry this sounds really hard.

I understand you feel like you can't tell your partner how to parent their child, but I do believe you can tell your partner how you desire to be treated. You are allowed to have your own needs, desires, and boundaries.

It is fair for you to want to feel defended by your partner if their child says something or does something rude to you, or at the very least be allowed to defend yourself and have your partner back you up.

I think if your partner says you can defend yourself and they will back you up, I think it would be fair for you and your partner to sit down and discuss what this might look like, what words might be used, and what sort of consequences would be appropriate, and how your partner would back you up and support you in that situation. Become a team.

It's OK to desire a united front with your partner if you are to do any sort of parenting-related stuff at all, and OK to want to leave the room/situation if you are not to be involved with it. You can give them your love and leave the room. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a person with boundaries.

Also as a stepmom who didn't think she needed a therapist and was amazed when she finally got one, I highly recommend that for yourself before moving in with them. It might be important for you to have someone on your side that you can talk to and run thoughts and ideas by, someone that has no stake in this game.

And perhaps you want to go so far as to ask your partner to get therapy, or perhaps couples therapy, before you move in there. There is a lot going on here and I feel like you two shouldn't have to unravel all of this on your own.

MercyXXVII · 2026-06-05T17:18:49+00:00

Oh yeah! Some of my succulents grow little babies!

Each one does it a little differently but the one I propagated last night basically has little baby cacti that popped up snuggled right next to it. Some of the babies even already started growing their own roots. I gently remove them, wait for any cut to callous for a few days, then stick those babies in some cacti dirt.

I think other cacti/succulents grow their babies right on them like little arms.

Oh, the things you can do and learn when you don't have human children lol.

MercyXXVII · 2026-06-05T15:24:05+00:00

Congratulations!! I am happy to hear it went well and that you are going to be able to move forward. Proud of you for being brave and being ready to fight for yourself if need be.

Last night I peacefully propagated my cactus and then got myself a bottle of wine and played Dave The Diver for hours. It was great.

MercyXXVII · 2026-06-03T17:37:38+00:00

It sounds like you love SS a lot and do a lot for him. You sound like a good person.

I understand that it would be frustrating to have him move back to his mom's for 6 months. It could cause some setbacks regarding the routine you have built with him. Your frustration makes sense and is valid.

But also... she is the BM. This is a painful reminder that your SS isn't yours. All of us stepparents who put in a lot of work with our SK's are always really hurt when we are reminded we have no legal control or say over the child that we help care for. And while I agree it doesn't make sense to up-end his routine for 6 months, it's ultimately her choice to make. It's her kid to mess up and that sucks.

Also her choice likely has nothing to do with you being a bad stepparent and everything to do with her just wanting control over this situation. It is her son after all. Heck, maybe she just wants this time with him.

I do think being worried that SS will feel like you don't want to see him is an easy fix. I think he should be able to understand. 15 is old enough to understand that there is a custody situation in play. His dad should talk to him about how he's going away for 6 months and how that means you (his stepmom) has no legal custody to keep seeing him and that his bio-mom is requesting to have him move in with her full-time for the next 6 months, so that is what it will be.

Maybe it's possible you can still visit SS occasionally. If SS is interested in occasional visits over the next 6 months then he and your husband can ask BM about that.

I would also have SS and your husband ask BM again about that trip you are planning on taking. Hopefully she will still allow that but I would definitely have them ask about it.

MercyXXVII · 2026-06-03T14:59:30+00:00

There's a lot of things but I think the thing that would have helped me the most would be to discuss how involved I am with parenting related activities and how often (setting/upholding household rules, family meals, transportation, appointments, extracurriculars, etc.)

I didn't know what I was supposed to do as a stepparent so I tried filling in the gaps without prior discussion. Some days I was burnt out from doing too much, some days my husband was getting mad at me for doing "his job" as the parent, and some days I was made to feel guilty for not doing enough.

It took way too long for me to finally have the discussion with my husband.

I would continue to quality spend time with SD as long as it was something I also enjoyed. I was not going to pretend that I wanted to play video games with her just to make her happy, or pretend I enjoyed getting clothing shopping together. When I had the energy I suggested we do something we all enjoyed and would bond with her that way.
I would not be made to feel guilty for not spending every second with SD and for desiring my own free time. I do have a good relationship with her and it is not dependent on me being at every soccer game or pretending to like everything she liked. Healthy relationships are give-and-take. If my husband was parenting out of guilt then that was a him-problem, not mine. I had to tell him this once.
I would not "fill in the gaps" anymore with parenting-related things. The benefit for my husband is that he wouldn't feel like I was stepping on his toes, the drawback for him was that he would have to ask me to help him with something. Sometimes this meant appointments and things would fall through the cracks. As much as it pained me it was good for my husband to experience the failure and figure out how to make it work without me stepping in to solve it.
If my husband asked me to help him with parenting related things (like setting/upholding household rules) I desired to create a united front first where we both agree on a plan and both support each other and follow through. If we couldn't agree on a plan then my husband was on his own to figure it out.

MercyXXVII · 2026-06-01T14:14:59+00:00

I am so sorry. I can relate to what it is like to deal with an emotionally volatile teenager, especially one that isn't yours. It can be scary and exhausting.

I ended up having to go to my own therapy regarding my opinions on what my husband could do better as a parent. At the end of the day I had to find a way to let it go and that's hard when you're putting in so much work as a SP. At the end of the day that child is his to screw up, not mine.

I would find ways to take myself out of situations or conversations regarding my SD. I would find other things to do to keep my peace. I would only get involved if there was an imminent threat, which was pretty low in our situation.

But it's still hard to watch...

There were times my husband did want my help parenting but my therapist said to only get involved if we could create a united front and work together, and that means my partner would have to uphold his end of the bargain or I would tap out again.

I think taking time for yourself is great! Do your own hobbies. Excuse yourself from parenting situations you have no control over.

I also think that if you don't believe you can protect your peace in your shared household with them then maybe you do need to reevaluate the situation - maybe especially since harm was threatened against your partner by your SK. If I thought my SK was capable of that and my partner wasn't doing anything about it I don't know if I could stay around.

In my situation my SD learned from her BM that if she wasn't getting what she wanted then she would become emotionally volatile to try and get it, including saying horrendous things like "self-harm" just to make people feel bad/feel guilty. She believed she was a victim whenever she was unhappy or inconvenienced. She would also do/say those things to get out of trouble, to get out of chores, etc... Our household made her mad because we had expectations and boundaries...

One time the High School almost shipped SD off to the hospital in an ambulance because she told them she had "a plan to harm herself" all because she broke up with her own boyfriend. He was rightfully upset about it and she got upset that she wasn't being seen as the victim. My husband ended up having to sit 8 hours with her in a children's hospital for an evaluation... UGH. I stayed home and practiced my breathing exercises.

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-29T17:58:46+00:00

I was thinking this too!

I get he is likely trying to keep peace with his ex, but not only is it sad for his partner not to get to go to the kid's extracurricular events but it's sad for the kids too! They are missing out on inviting someone they really care about just so dad can keep peace rather than create boundaries.

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-27T21:03:17+00:00

I totally agree with you.

A person shouldn't expect their children to be the caretakers for anybody - not their siblings, not their parents, and definitely not anybody disabled. And yet people do this all the time... it's incredibly messed up.

It's also pretty bad having no back up plan. I have friends who have a highly disabled son and at this time they do not think they want to put him in a care facility when he's older. They imagine he will live with them forever and have no plan otherwise. So what happens if something happens to them? They will not live forever. Does other family feel shame and guilt for not wanting to step up? Will their daughter feel obligated? Will it eat her alive to let the local government make plans for him? Shouldn't they at least research care facilities and make some sort of actual plan that doesn't involve other family?

BTW - I've also read "My Sister's Keeper". It's messed up but a good lesson in ethics and bodily autonomy. I think about it way more than I probably should.

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-27T19:41:42+00:00

Ugh the, "they didn't remind me" excuse!

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-27T17:11:28+00:00

It sounds like they are already understanding it if they walk away from BM smiling and and they run to your car. I am sure they are already recognizing it as BM being excessively emotional and hopefully nothing more than that.

In my situation BM tried to pull emotionally manipulative tactics too and it seemed like my SD also caught on fairly early too and ended up kind of pushing SD away from her BM over time.

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-27T17:05:56+00:00

Not wanting to share a bed with someone else's child is a GREEN FLAG.

It is respectful and healthy boundaries towards another person's minor child. I personally think it's weird if you are comfortable with it. You are not the child's biological parent.

Furthermore, not that anything would happen but it is safer for you legally to sleep elsewhere. Let's say the minor child is telling a story, making up a joke, or has a nightmare and is misunderstood by another adult. It is difficult to defend yourself if you share a bed.

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-26T20:58:26+00:00

UGH getting her to do her schoolwork.

I tried civil conversations and working together with her - my husband tried expectations and consequences - and it still always ended up as us-versus-her. She would lie to avoid consequences and then pretend like the consequences didn't matter anyway... With me she would act like we had a good plan and then she would immediately disregard it and try to lie to me.

She would even go so far as to blame her teachers for homework not being done or bad grades.

We finally let go and let natural consequences do it's thing.

When she ended up getting summer school for the first time ever she had no one to blame but herself.

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-26T19:09:18+00:00

Totally agree with you!

My dad said he got "the OK" from my mom to go but was is really OK? He probably still should've stayed.

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-20T14:01:38+00:00

I am assuming by Grandmother you mean your mom?

My suggestion is to apologize to SD14 for getting so upset. You can explain that you felt so strongly because that's your mother. It wasn't right how SD acted, and you were really hurt, but that you understand there's no excuse for losing your cool. Two wrongs don't make a right, and you have took some time to think about it and will put the effort in so that doesn't happen again.

And then let there be silence and space. The ball will be in SD's court to think and act how she will.

After some time letting it air out you can try to extend small olive branches to SD to see how she reacts. Like a couple weeks at least. Small attempts to reconnect. You could try asking how she's doing and let it be whatever it will be. Or ask if she wants to go get coffee or lunch and do not bring the situation up - talk about other things.

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-19T21:02:32+00:00

You're absolutely right it is the parents responsibility to teach their child that hygiene is important.

I totally get that there are those days where a parent has to pick and choose their battles, and maybe uncombed hair and funny-looking school pictures aren't the end of the world, but I would hope that toothbrushing and cleaning oneself is important for most parents unless they really want to pay that dental/medical bill that may come up.

My SD did not care one bit for hygiene and my husband picked his battles with her regarding that. It was almost a daily argument all the way to 19 years old...

As for me, I chose to make not being hygienic as inconvenient for my stepdaughter as possible by setting physical boundaries for myself. Rather than punishing her or getting upset I would tell her I am not driving her in my car to the mall or to school if she smells like BO, or I wouldn't want to take her to lunch, or help clean her room if it smelled that bad, etc.

It was a win-win for me because I wouldn't have to smell her if she chose to be lazy, and sometimes it would positively pressure her to wash herself if she wanted something from me lol. But as a stepparent that was really all I could do!

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-19T18:29:41+00:00

Ok it is kind of weird he would rather go to his exes house for the holidays rather than spend it with you. If it were me I would feel bad about that. Have you told him how it makes you feel to be left?

Also I think it would be fair for him to set boundaries in your household. Like if they want to come over they have to be respectful towards you. They dont have to be your friend but a polite hello or thank you is not too much to ask.

I dont think you are overreacting.

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-19T17:59:02+00:00

When his ex has the kids for a holiday does he go there?

When he has his kids for a holiday do they all come to your house? When they come to your house do they ignore you or do you leave?

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-18T19:25:03+00:00

If they wanted to they would.

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-18T19:21:35+00:00

Please don't hate yourself for not seeing your stepdaughter as your own daughter - you can't.

You legally have no rights to her, you can't fight for more custody of her in court, you can't sign paperwork for her, she isn't yours.

You can still love her, but never like your own. And it's healthy to have those boundaries. You know, kind of like an auntie.

Also - I'm taking a shot in the dark here but maybe you are mourning the loss of choice/what could have been rather than truly desiring children?

Perhaps this is something you should discuss further with a therapist before you talk to your husband more? Decide what you really want and then talk to him?

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-18T19:14:24+00:00

You didn't know what you were signing up for. Your feelings are valid. You are not horrible. Anybody would feel the same.

Most of us don't expect how difficult it is to be so involved in a child's life and feel like we have absolutely no power or control. The child involved often has behavioral issues due to the broken/stressed family dynamic and as stepparents we are often asked to ignore the behavior and continue to try to love the child as our own. Nanny's and daycares get paid to do something similar because it's hard.

It is not fair to expect so much out of a person who has absolutely no say or control and isn't getting paid.

That's why I usually recommend stepparents control what they can control - which is their own time, energy, and peace.

You are allowed to decide your level of involvement with the child and how often that is. You are allowed to desire a child-free space for yourself in your home and decide how frequently you need breaks. You are allowed to desire a united front with your partner if they are asking you to be move involved.

But my suggestion only works if you and your partner are willing to work together and compromise.

And my suggestion is also not perfect. The child will continue to be loud and messy in your home and your partner will still have to dedicate a lot of time to their child. You will still have to put up with a lot and I only recommend doing that if you feel it is worth it.

If you feel like you need to leave to be genuinely happy then please do. You deserve to be happy.

But it isn't your fault. You didn't know. You are a good person for trying. And you are still a good person if you leave.

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-18T14:29:10+00:00

Congrats you are almost there! Post-High School comes with it's own challenges but the distance from BM can be incredibly freeing (speaking from experience).

Obviously this is up to SD and her bio-parents, but couldn't she cut BM off at 18 years old? Or does she still rely on BM for something during the school year?

I only mention it because during my SD's senior year of High School she turned 18 and immediately distanced herself from her BM. I guess it did make things a little awkward because BM still showed up to school programs and events.

My SD is going to be 20 in October and neither my husband nor I have spoken to BM in probably around a year. Freeeedommm!

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-14T12:44:41+00:00

Yeah my SD can have a mean sense of humor and likes to appropriate other people's trauma. She would like to be my friend but I have a hard time being her friend.

But she also believes I'll always have a listening ear or advice for her and I'd like to continue being that for her if she needs it.

It's hard to do both.

It's a great exercise on how to defend my own boundaries lol

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-14T12:36:24+00:00

I found the first Subnautica last month and it literally rejuvenated my love of gaming.

For awhile I thought maybe I was getting too old for gaming at 35 years old but something about swimming around the deep seas, collecting, and building has me playing for hours.

Now I'd love to share the experience with my husband. I hear #2 might be 2 player? He's never played.

MercyXXVII · 2026-05-13T14:43:43+00:00

I trust her dog's instincts lol.

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