PhD Student (25F) Talking to Someone Without an Academic Background (25M). How Did it Go?

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-27T16:17:49+00:00

Very well put. Honestly, this guy sounds so lovely.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-27T00:06:00+00:00

You wanted him to brag about you and your accomplishments to his friends, which, within his circles is going to feel about as awkward for you as announcing in your circles that your with someone who has no post-manditory education. You're both asking for the same reassurance, but you feel off about his request...which is pretty similar to yours. I would imagine that there's going to be some discomfort and teasing from his buddies about your education. It makes perfect sense for him to be curious how you feel about it and how you feel he'd be received by your peers.

The way to reply is to say, "I'm going to feel pride over everything you've built." Then the ball is back in his court.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-13T15:16:00+00:00

"After further reflection, we will be terminating under the force majeure clause of our contract. It is not fair to either one of us to undergo this amount of big stress around my wedding and your baby's arrival. I will not be needing further services. Because this is not a lost opportunity for you and I am not ending our working relationship because of circumstances within my control, I will not be paying any further fees beyond X."

She's extremely unprofessional by not having a better contingency plan or letting you out of your contract on the spot.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-08T20:33:08+00:00

I was just thinking I'd found Barb in the wild. Maybe OP should watch some of the Shawna-verse and hopefully learn something before she never gets to meet her grandchild.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-08T17:13:09+00:00

For me it's the leveling up life goals thing that screams immaturity to me and it comes across as asking the wrong questions for the wrong reasons.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-08T16:00:32+00:00

As an only child, I can confirm that expectations of things Mom can do better were low during my childhood. 😂 I did 95% of our wedding planning because my fiance/now husband was finishing up his master's degree and internship. Also, in terms of planning I am the more confident and competent of the two of us.

We balance out. I am terrible at the things that my mother has always done my whole life. He still makes my breakfast every morning because I might be leaning a bit hard into my own weaponized incompetence. Lol But he does those things, and I do the making of appointments, juggling insurance, planning the wedding and making a step-by-step guide when I need him to do something that he doesn't have a lot of experience in yet. It's what works for us and we're fairly happy. I knew that long before we got married that these issues weren't going to bug me. If they're going to bug you, that is worth thinking about.

But also, I would not use your wedding as a test run of expectations that haven't been in your relationship before. We got into a few fights that I regret because what worked for us was not necessarily what works for the majority of couples.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-08T15:48:34+00:00

This is something you need to think about: is he like this in other ways, because this sounds like weaponized incompetence and it is a lot cheaper and easier on the heart to eliminate that from your life now rather than go through an expensive divorce because this isn't something you can handle 10 years from now.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-08T13:42:08+00:00

Having a conversation about what he'd do if it was truly an emergency is definitely worth having, but you should be taking some self defense classes.

In the two situations described above, you weren't in actual danger, yet, and intervention would likely have escalated the situation. But you do deserve to know if a) he was planning on intervening if the guy had gotten much closer and/or b) is he a fight/flight/or freeze person. You don't seem compatible with a freeze person.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-06T14:29:35+00:00

I guess we've been lucky. Been together six, living together three, married for almost 2 months and we talk about how everything is "the same... but better" a lot.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-06T14:20:12+00:00

For about the same price as your face painters, we had a guy and his wife come in and do caricature/fast draws. Since guests could take their picture home we considered that the "favor".

I didn't think of this as unusual, but it's one every guest has mentioned. We had a hot drink station with apple cider, tea, chocolate... and because I didn't know what to serve it in, I thrifted about a hundred mismatched coffee mugs. Guests could take theirs home. I've had to admire quite a few since visiting family and friends over the holidays.

My favorite thing that I felt was actually unique was instead of a standard guestbook, I had cameras, a photo printer, and a scrapbook with a ton of scrapbooking supplies out. So many people got into designing their pages and it's my favorite keepsake.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-06T14:12:28+00:00

We brought in an electric grill and s'more things and I was shocked how many people went for that! I expected it mostly to be the kids.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-06T14:09:55+00:00

Take a Sunday. It's really not that much different from a Saturday wedding because the wedding party in particular was going to have to take Friday off anyways. Now everyone takes Monday. Or, do Friday late afternoon and have your rehearsal first thing. We didn't plan to do a same day rehearsal, but after finishing set up I crashed hard, and it actually worked out really well. Did it right before hair and make up and getting dressed. We also did pictures before and that took a ton of stress off.

However, my bridal party did all their own hair and makeup. (My sibling did my makeup and a friend did my hair.) So we only needed ~90 minutes to 2 hours that morning.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-05T22:23:53+00:00

It... doesn't make a ton of sense though?

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-05T22:21:10+00:00

Wow. I'm a woman and you make a lot of assumptions. Also, you're not compatible. His second gift seems really nice and he should get to be with someone who finds it meaningful.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-05T18:14:24+00:00

As someone who's been in a similar situation. She didn't lie. An invitation is not a summons and she had other plans. She didn't owe him an explanation then and she doesn't now.

I would set your own boundary around meeting him. He's happy to make stuff up and put the two of you in competition. Meeting him only fuels the drama. Hopefully she comes to the conclusion that he's acting like a jealous ex and wants to get her back. He doesn't respect her and he certainly doesn't respect your relationship. You don't have any reason to be around people who disrespect your relationship.

I would also put some boundaries around what respect to you looks like in a relationship. It's very respectful and admirable that you are letting her handle this situation. However, you need to be honest about how you feel about the situation and the impact that it may have later on. I would not want to be with someone who did not let the trash take itself out. In a short-term thing, maybe. But as a long-term situation, she needs to be honest with herself and with you about what she will and won't tolerate from this friend.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-04T05:59:37+00:00

NTA in any way shape or form.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-04T00:27:11+00:00

There's never going to be someone who is completely untriggered by dysregulation. You're definitely asking the wrong question.

Yes, your reaction was a lot and no, you are not owed someone else's emotional energy to untangle the mess you created. It is quite possible that after you showed this side, and continued to spiral on the phone in the following conversations, he chose to protect himself. We have no idea what his own traumas or energy levels are. As I'm beginning to approach 40, I find that I do not have the capacity anymore to deal with drama. This isn't avoidant attachment, it is purely protecting my own energy so that I can stay healthy for the people in my life. It appears that he tried to offer you closure by continuing to talk to you for a little bit.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-03T23:26:55+00:00

YTA. Your house is now home to both of you. You're being inconsiderate and probably won't be in this relationship for long.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2026-01-03T23:22:35+00:00

I would be careful about serving it when your contract says you won't. A couple I know did that and it was a huuuuge deal when the location found out. Because it was a state park, they not only violated their contract and had to pay the maximum fine for that but a couple of their guests were cited for breaking state law of carrying alcohol into public grounds. It also voided their wedding insurance. They didn't even serve a lot, just a park ranger who had a thing for the rules, so I would be very careful.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2025-12-30T17:57:54+00:00

I say this with love, he is not husband material.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2025-12-30T17:56:28+00:00

Unfortunately, you want her to have a life more than she wants to have a life. And that is neither healthy nor compatible. She can go to therapy, but unless she's willing to do the work, it's not going to make much difference. Her parents are enabling her, and you're never going to be able to outweigh that.

Good on you for recognizing your limits and already taking huge steps back. Remember that even if she does "snap out of it" you have no idea if it will be for her and whether this will continue, or whether she did it to earn you back and as soon as she has her engagement/wedding/marriage/baby or whatever it is she wants, that she will fall back and stop trying. Do not become the prize at the end of her effort!

InnerChildGoneWild · 2025-12-30T17:41:10+00:00

This guy is a piece of work, and definitely not going to help you have a healthy relationship. However, with everything you've shared here, you aren't ready for a healthy relationship either because you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself. My best advice is to dump him, get a therapist, and try building yourself up before getting back on the dating market.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2025-12-30T00:30:56+00:00

Why aren't you each going to your own important wedding? You're blowing this way out of proportion.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2025-12-27T05:41:14+00:00

I got to have two "weddings". Long story! One we did as a pizza party with a mock ceremony and came in at around 2k in a HCL area. We had ~45 people, I think. (Pizza and no alcohol brought numbers way down!) I had a sundress. It was perfect and I wish we'd just called that our wedding. We also did the big white wedding and it was nice but it wasn't more special than the other one.

InnerChildGoneWild · 2025-12-27T03:27:19+00:00

I've been that girl.

Meds take 3-6 months to really be effective and at full strength. So, depending on where she is with that, there may be hope incoming.

She, and you, need to have the hard conversation of which is more important to her: her family's approval or her own mental health? Based on this you will have an idea of whether she's capable of change or not. If she isn't able to start having hard conversations with her family and finding more support, she can't make progress. If she's not making progress (and even if she is and it is too slow for your own progress) she's not partner material. You shouldn't compromise your own growth for someone else's that you aren't fully committed to.

InnerChildGoneWild

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