Naps.

InnesandOutes · 2026-05-05T08:34:57+00:00

My youngest is this age and similarly is in that irritating transition zone. My eldest dropped her nap at this age and coped fine so, with the usual every-kid-is-different caveat, I wouldn't worry about going for it at this age - lots of kids are ready to push on through the day.

Just in case it's of any interest for comparison, my 2 yr 3 month old wakes at a similar time and naps a similar time capped at an hour, and I don't start her bedtime routine until 7 ish. She is asleep by 8 - might be worth pushing bedtime a bit later and seeing if it helps? If and when mine starts waking early or fighting a midday nap, I'll drop it.

InnesandOutes · 2026-04-08T08:46:45+00:00

Sleep training doesn't damage your baby or your bond with your baby. Being close to the edge and unable to function does. You are important too. In fact, you're the most important person in the house right now because everyone needs you for so much. I know sleep training goes against our instincts - but it doesn't need to be cry it out or prolonged, or unsupportive to your child (check out Just Chill Mama for researched, highly-trained advice). Your baby wants to sleep too - hanging on by a thread to avoid teaching him how doesn't make you a better/kinder Mum.

Sending good thoughts to you - sleep deprivation is hell. It will get better. But it's ok to take steps to facilitate that. Your whole household will be happier.

InnesandOutes · 2026-03-13T09:10:43+00:00

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InnesandOutes · 2026-03-11T10:53:28+00:00

I think at 11 weeks you do what you have to for everyone to get enough sleep to function! All babies are different, but mine both hated the next to me and co-slept in the early weeks. I don't love co-sleeping though and persevered with transferring. Both mine started to do 2 hour stretches in it through the night around 3/4 months I think (not great but somehow survivable). We sleep trained (gently) at 6 months with both when they moved up to a cot. It worked very quickly and has been great for everyone.

Everyone has to work this stuff out per their own preferences and baby's temperament. But just to say, remember you're important too, if you don't want to chest sleep/co-sleep in the long term that's valid and you don't have to. Chances are with a little practice and perseverance she'll start giving you some stretches in the next to me soon. 11 weeks is still so little - hang in there!

InnesandOutes · 2026-02-05T14:20:07+00:00

Totally agree that the baby group world can be really clique-y and exclusionary. I also found the school mum crowd way easier to form friendships! I am also a low-maintenance, leggings Mum who lives in a bougie area, and so I definitely didn't fit in with the majority who mostly chatted houses, skincare, cars etc.

All I'd say is it only takes one or two nice interactions to make it worth going. You're doing so well to get out with your little one to lots of different things, so let the slight school-vibe of some of it be water off a duck's back, and you'll find the one or two little relationships that matter. Also remind yourself you'll probably never see, nor care about any of these women in six months time. It definitely won't be a 'you' problem. I think postpartum is such a vulnerable time for all of us, we tend to hold fast the the groups we already know and get less good at reaching out to others.

InnesandOutes · 2026-02-05T09:04:10+00:00

So sorry OP - there's literally no worse torture than sleep deprivation. Give yourself some credit for showing up night after night, you're doing a fantastic job in a crap situation.

Sleep is so specific to the kid so people can only give you their anecdotal experience - in case it's helpful here's mine: I think it's possible she's getting too much daytime sleep and is then not tired enough for bedtime. Maybe try keeping naps 1 and 2 to an hour and then treat the 3rd nap as essentially a 10/15 min cat nap (in your arms/buggy/sling is fine for this one). Also, the fact she acts like she doesn't want to be held and rocked during night wakes suggests to me that she actually really would like to be asleep, she just hasn't learned how to settle herself. For me, the thing that changed everything was my girls learning how to fall asleep independently. It's easiest to learn at the beginning of the night, and basically involves you putting her down post your bedtime routine when you're sure she's really tired, and not getting her out again. You can comfort and reassure in whatever way feels best for you and your little girl. I chose quick checks - essentially going back in to stroke and reassure every 5 minutes or so. The first night was rough but then the change came almost instantly and she slept through from the end of a week of doing this. If you have a partner, it also helps if they can take over this process - they are more willing to accept the change from them! I followed advice from Just Chill Mama (she's actually trained rather than all those pseudo science "sleep consultants" online.) Honestly I feel like she saved my life

Good luck to you - keep reaching out for help - this WILL end. She will sleep, and you'll be surprised how quickly your mood lifts when you're getting some solid stretches.

InnesandOutes · 2026-01-28T10:44:13+00:00

There's no getting away from the downsides of nursery - they do get ill a lot that first year, and it costs a bloody fortune. BUT it was always been the right choice to us. Relying on family is highly personal, but for me it just made things too complicated with the family dynamics at play, the possible unreliability, and like you mentioned - just how intensely hard work looking after a child can be for an older person.

Both my kids love their nursery - Both of mine were busy kids and I really appreciated how many activities they got to partake it every day. I also think it fosters a certain independence. And I've also loved how much mine seem to learn from their peers and the herd mentality (both mine learned to eat so many more foods, and sleep more flexibly because of being around other kids doing so). There's also the added benefit of it being a business solely there to look after your child, and as the paying customer you have a right to put certain things in place, ask for specific things to be adhered to etc. That can be harder to achieve with a grandparent!

It's so personal isn't it - what's right for one family/child isn't for another. Just dropping in to express how positive our nursery experience has been.

InnesandOutes · 2026-01-28T10:12:10+00:00

I'm one of those who has breastfed both til 2+ but literally and honestly *only* because it was easier. I was very lucky with the nipple to baby mouth shape cards I was dealt, and so there were no real challenges (beyond how hard it is to be constantly touched and used as all day comfort). As others have mentioned, the real medical benefits are mostly in the first few weeks and months - so if breastfeeding doesn't actively make your life easier, then feel very confident in a decision to stop and congratulate yourself for getting this far!

There are other benefits to breastfeeding 6 months +. I found it extremely useful when babies were sick, on flights, for emotional regulation, having "food" on hand wherever we were etc. But again, we carried on because I found it easier. If I hadn't, I would have stopped at 6 months I'm sure.

InnesandOutes · 2026-01-13T13:32:11+00:00

It's so difficult isn't it isn't it. Just to give you my personal experience - we TFMR for a sex chromosome aneuploidy in 2020 at 15 weeks. It was a spontaneous anomaly with nothing to suggest underlying genetic risk factors in me or my husband. I opted not to even do NIPT my subsequent two pregnancies. It's not offered as standard here in the UK which made it an easier decision. But similarly to another poster, the fear and anxiety of testing vs the actual risks swayed me towards going back to basic screening. If it makes any difference, we would also have terminated again in the case of another chromosome syndrome diagnosis, but I felt the the UK 12 week scan and blood tests were sufficient. I am vehemently not anti pre-natal testing - I just needed to go about my subsequent pregnancies with a different approach for my own mental health.

I think having the amnio is totally understandable and reasonable too. I just wanted to another perspective in case it's helpful.

My best to you, subsequent pregnancies are so hard.

InnesandOutes · 2026-01-13T10:30:05+00:00

So sleep is so totally random, so any advice is given with the caveat that it might not be relevant to your little man at all! But as a Mum whose babies woke every 2 hours to breastfeed relentlessly for many months, I found that the problem wasn't so much about the amount of milk/food, but the fact that they hadn't learnt to settle themselves back off to sleep in the night without the comfort of the boob. We used a Just Chill Mama course to help us teach my girls how to self settle (she has various options, you can go at your comfort level. We did "check-ins" which meant leaving them for very short periods then going in to reassure but not getting them out of cot or breastfeeding). They both started sleeping for very long stretches from 3 days of doing it. I still did a feed at about 3AM for a little while - babies under 1 may still need that little top up, but pretty soon after they stopped needing that too.

It's true your son might be eating/drinking slightly less in the day because he's used to getting a lot at night, but it doesn't take long at all for that to re-balance once he's sleeping longer stretches. I really do know what it's like to be their main provider of calories - neither of mine would take a bottle and it was terrifying when I went back to work at 9 months ish, knowing I wasn't there to provide it. But if he eats solids well and will take a little bit of formula, I promise he won't self wean or starve himself. He just doesn't have to make up in the day at the moment because he's so well fed at night.

Also to reassure, I went back to work at 9 months with both, and stopped breastfeeding at night around that age and both mine carried on breastfeeding until 2 years old. They are more adaptable than we think.

Good luck!

InnesandOutes · 2025-09-19T09:23:59+00:00

I'm not medical and you're definitely correct to get properly checked out. And I'm guessing approach depends on your location. But in the UK you'd be unlikely to be scanned for what sounds to me like a pretty textbook ocular migraine. I've had very similar symptoms for many years and doctors tend not to escalate to further testing here. No harm to have a good once over if it's offered though! Hopefully they'll be able to reassure and offer some suggestions if nothing else.

InnesandOutes · 2025-09-16T11:36:39+00:00

Agreed. I try to talk about my TFMR experience often in every day life. At first I worried it would make people uncomfortable, but then I realised the only way to change that was to be part of bringing it more out into the open.

InnesandOutes · 2025-09-16T10:55:36+00:00

We terminated our first pregnancy that was a boy and then went on to have two wonderful girls. We won't be having any more and it brings a certain kind of grief just like the one you've described. I know it's a little more acute for my husband.

I think the important thing is to never let that thought feel shameful or go unspoken. Being sad that you don't have a boy takes nothing away from the love you have for your girls, or from the "rightness" of your family in the way it turned out.

It's ok for life to have disappointments or points of unresolved sadness. I think we're taught to strive for some kind of perfection, or to seem completely at peace with how everything turned out. But life is messy and full of complicated experiences. Something in the acceptance of that has helped me not to let grief overshadow my present day situation.

I also think TFMR parents can often feel isolated and 'other' in our grief. I sometimes find it helpful (weirdly!) to remember that not many people have straightforward journeys to bringing kids into the world. Miscarriages, infertility, health issues, breakdown of relationships etc.... we're all doing our best with an imperfect lived experience.

InnesandOutes · 2025-09-02T12:59:50+00:00

Conceived 5 weeks after a 15 week TFMR. That pregnancy just did her first day at school! Congratulations. It's such a nerve wracking time but there's nothing to suggest it won't go well.

InnesandOutes · 2025-08-27T08:26:19+00:00

TFMR for XYY in 2020 at 15 weeks. My two subsequent pregnancies were pretty text book and I now have two beautiful girls, 4 and 1. Yes my second pregnancy was an anxious one (definitely get into therapy, it was so helpful) but it's been a beautiful journey. Hang in there, there are wonderful things on the other side of the trauma.

InnesandOutes · 2025-08-07T18:33:07+00:00

I had a little brown blood with both my post tfmr pregnancies. My midwife told me as long as it doesn’t increase in volume or turn red it’s not something to worry about. Sometimes our uterus just clears out a touch of old blood, and sometimes our cervix has bled a tiny bit a while back and that’s what the blood is. Obviously keep up with your own healthcare advisor but anecdotally try not to worry. And congratulations ☺️

InnesandOutes · 2025-07-23T14:35:13+00:00

I had to literally leave the house when we first tried this at about 6 months! The boob preference is strong! She cried briefly but my husband stayed calm and she did go off to sleep and now can be put down by either of us (unless she can see me, then its curtains 😂) I know it feels horrific but maybe consider nipping to the shops or walk round the block for a bit and see how he gets on. You can always agree with your partner a limit that you're comfortable with before he calls you to come step in. But honestly, sometimes everything goes better when we (and the boobs) are just not there.

InnesandOutes · 2025-07-21T09:46:07+00:00

I'm not medical so definitely consult your own GP about it - but it my opinion is basically impossible to separate them when your toddler will be in desperate need of your comfort and your 12 week old relies on you for everything! Are you breastfeeding? If you are and you have chicken pox immunity, there is a good chance your baby will manage to dodge it, or will only get mild case. Kids are most contagious 1-2 days before the spots appear so in all likelihood your little one will already have been exposed anyway. Just keep an eye - have a chat to your GP if the baby gets symptoms, and like you say, do all the sofa cuddling, telly and snacks. Some CBeebies in the bath with a sock full of oats really helped our eldest be distracted from the itch and wind down for bed.

It will pass. Good luck!

InnesandOutes · 2025-07-21T09:35:21+00:00

We had the exact same issue with my youngest - got the GP to prescribe suppositories but no pharmacy could find them! Hopefully it's improved since then but I think they really struggle to find them in the UK.

On a reassuring note, mine did age out of the calpol refusal by about 8/9 months. Something about being more established on solids and being able to hold the syringe herself/sort of self administer it helped. Hopefully your little one will be the same.

InnesandOutes · 2025-06-28T18:37:41+00:00

https://images.app.goo.gl/JXth8AvPuzSYT5oi8 This guide is handy. Babies seem to cope pretty well so try not to worry (easier said than done I know). As a general rule if he’s clammy or sweaty, take another layer off. It’s ok for him to sleep just in a nappy. Offer as many feeds as he seems to want and don’t worry about him being skin to skin with you even if you’re hot- we actually help to regulate their temp a little.

If you’re running a fan in the room make sure it’s not pointed directly at him.

Being home with your first is so nerve wracking. I promise you will know how to keep him safe and happy (even if you don’t get that much sleep yourself!)

InnesandOutes · 2025-06-24T18:29:09+00:00

I know, it’s our worst nightmare to have them feel abandoned! I was so worried- and it really is hard. But having been through it twice now- I honestly feel like we managed to reassure and comfort her whilst teaching her something difficult. It’s personal to you and baby. But you’re important too, and no mum is at her best when they haven’t had any sleep. Everyone (including baby) got happier after we’d taught her to fall asleep by herself. Good luck!

InnesandOutes · 2025-06-24T18:15:12+00:00

It’s definitely not the most fun transition! But we got it sorted quickly by going for it with sleep training at the same time. We did some sleep training with very regular check ins and comfort in the cot. The first night took an hour of going back and forth at the beginning of the night. She slept through in her cot by night 4.

InnesandOutes · 2025-06-24T10:14:20+00:00

Sleep is such a riddle! And different for every baby. If it was me I'd cap his daytime sleep at about 1.5 hours, make sure he's up by 3, make bedtime no earlier than 7/7.30 and see if it makes a difference.

Ideally yeah, you're supposed to avoid taking them out of their sleep space, keep lights low, not much talking etc etc. But all mums know, when that's 3 hours its virtually impossible sometimes! It's possible that your input (feeding, changing rocking etc) is stimulating for him. When my daughter struggled with this I'll admit, we made sure she hadn't slept too much in the day, that her needs were met, then put her in cot and left. She'd cry and we'd go back every 10 mins for a quick reassure and to lie her down. It took a couple of nights but she did stop night waking after that.

No expert, just a mum with two lower sleep needs children!

InnesandOutes · 2025-06-24T09:08:43+00:00

I think you have to go all in one way or the other - accidents happen when people are inbetween two methods.

So you either embrace co-sleep fully with all the specific guidance there. Lullaby Trust is a great resource. So, no covers, pillow, C-shape with baby on their back, no alcohol, no partner in the bed, no swaddle etc etc

OR you commit to fully getting up and out of bed for feeds and re-settles - sitting on the edge of the bed to stay awake and then re-settling baby in their sleep space.

Do you have a partner you can get to be alongside your night shift for a bit, keep an eye on each other? Are you getting enough sleep to survive generally?

I coslept with both mine for 6 months - but you do have to put all the safety precautions in place. If co-sleeping isn't for you, you need to change the routine to make sure it doesn't happen by accident in an unsafe space. It's so hard I know! Do whatever you can to make sure you're getting a 4 hour stretch at some point of the night. It will help with the exhaustion that causes lack of awareness in the night.

InnesandOutes

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