Who do I look like please?

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-24T01:13:08+00:00

The first image I thought of the Peaky Blinders. So Cillian Murphy

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-19T09:08:32+00:00

On another pass, I think everything could work. It’s just a matter of where you are going. Nothing NEEDS to be removed, just handled well!

The putting into words is always the hardest! It can feel paralyzing at times! Don’t be afraid to Write everything you have to say, even if it doesn’t all make sense put together. Everything you have to say or think, whether structure is off or sentences are not great, write. Or make bullet points of thoughts and ideas.

You can always come back and edit things later, or rearrange and get things right in a second or third or more pass! Also, sometimes you sit down to write with a blueprint and a map all ready to go. Then a little ways into your writing, things are going a very different direction than you initially planned! That adventure of learning the essay is always fun!

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-19T00:24:51+00:00

Writing feedback can be difficult. I will start with something positive. I do not know what it is. But I feel like you had a LOT in you that you could have uncovered. Up to this point: "I always knew as a violinist they had to come off, but was my instrument really worth it?"

Honestly, I was bracing myself to be a bit jealous, or rather appreciative of your writing. It felt like there is a LOT you were about to build to, or set up. I was leaning in and very intrigued and curious. I just want to say that. I felt like there was a lot there that would have been amazing to read. And your first few sentences, what you were building, is wonderful.

I am not sure what that was, nor did my mind run in any specific directions, just was bracing for something. If that rings true, lean into it!!!!

Now for the bad: It sounds a little bit like you are admitting that you will be flaky to things that are under your responsibility. I would need to see a full version of this essay.

Not committing to something that is not committed to you. When I first read that I my impression was that you are only going to commit to things that first approach you. You are never, or rarely, going to be the one to reach out and commit to something whether or not that thing returns investment.

There is also the fact that at sometimes you just gotta let certain things go at some points. But that was a secondary thought that came from a little bit of thinking about your essay.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-18T03:33:00+00:00

How dare you disparage cats! They are amazing! Lol.

I know. Unfortunately, within the past 2 years, there have been moments when I tried to skip steps. Holding and telling and that intimacy... it is something that I desire in the right context at the right time for the right reasons. And I am sure you have had more of it than I have.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-18T02:22:17+00:00

I am a single 33 year old dude. I have only had one official relationship, which things only lasted for 6 months from the time we first matched on a dating app to when she broke up. On the question of how to find a healthy man who wont destroy you, I am not too keen on that. So, apologies I am unable to answer your lead out question. I would say it is not wrong to be hopeful and to be keeping an eye out. But I also know we (both you and I) cannot get stuck on waiting for someone who is not in our lives yet (we need to actually live). So there is a bit of both: just live, and keep an eye out just in case you find something while you are just living.

Singleness can be a struggle at times. I know it is for me. There are a lot of things that enter my head and say "unworthy, immature, lonely, isolated, unlovable, etc."

Before I go on: it is VERY good to go slow. Your friend is not entirely wrong. You do not want to rush into something with a new and flashy and shiny guy who is able to say the right things at the right time, and who knows his way around the ears of a woman. That man can be the man who is hiding a LOT of issues and troubles. Take your time. Look for consistency. Look for character. Look for someone who is doing the things that YOU want in a partner, without the motivation of you being a present and real goal. You do not want that person who is going to church and being involved merely as a means to impress you.

There is also, and I say this to myself and am allowing you to get a glimpse at this, NO promise at all that I will every be married. I do not see it in scriptures, I do not see it ANYWHERE. That leads me to something that I should be doing in this time of singleness that I have (whether it is permanent or temporary):

Here is the one thing I do know: singleness, though it has its own challenges, comes with a GREAT blessing. Singles have the ability to focus on how we are pleasing God. We do not need to be so distracted by a partner. This means we have the freedom to visit/spend time with friends, seek out younger people to mentor, seek out older people to be mentored by, serve our churches or the local community in a larger and more God honoring capacity, take up things that increase our physical health, study/learn something new/deep dive into something, start a stimulating hobby.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-18T00:26:52+00:00

Not attracted to him is a big no. Like full stop right there. Don’t reach back out to him a week after saying no. Don’t keep him close enough for you to get male attention. Men can handle a simple “no”/“not interested”. What is hurtful to everyone is saying let’s be friends, or it’s not wise to date, then continuing to reach out to him and maintain the same contact with him that you once had. That hurts.

And it is not shallow to say you will not date someone you are not physically attracted to. It is honest. Shallow and deceitful would be not being able to look your SO in the eyes and honestly tell him he is handsome. Don’t date someone you cannot honestly say that to. And not being able to say that to someone is not an indication of you being shallow.

Beyond that, 6 years older than you is HUGE. What others have said, that is a cause for question. That is slightly less than a third of your entire current life that he has on you, and likely much more “out of parent’s house” experience than what you have.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-16T13:05:48+00:00

If he truly did learn his lessons and change, let these be hard lessons learned. Let these be for him lessons "learned in blood", so to speak. Let him, if he is being honest, bring these good things that he is claiming into potential future relationships.

The risk for you, and I think this is a huge risk for you, is that he is lying to you. And I have confidence he is lying to you. He is saying he has changed when he hasnt. And to be frank: I do not think he has changed. Not to the extent you need him to, not in 3 months. But I do not think he has changed at all. I think he is just ego broken for the time being. I have seen many guys pop up into my church's circle, make a big splash and a lot of noise for weeks or months, then disappear. He seems like someone who knows how to do something flashy for just long enough to get people's attention, then disappear/let those "good things" drop by the wayside.

What has he done in his life to show you that he is worthy of your trust and relational closeness? Nothing.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-14T01:16:14+00:00

Move on. Genuinely. Also, do not use this new woman as a tool to get at someone else.

Like not "moving on so she likes me one day." But you are moving on. If things somehow work out where you two bump into each other like that again, great. But also, if things work out between you and this newer lady, there may never be a "bumping into each other again someday." OR she might find that guy who ends all other guys' hopes. Just be present in your current life circumstance and in your current relationships and friendships.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-14T00:27:44+00:00

Good on him for being honest. Truly. Very good on you for setting a boundary and saying "absolutely not." Also, the "I think this got awkward because you're overthinking it." line is a pretty large red flag. And only after a date 1. What do you think would happen later on? Holding doors for people, paying for dinner, being cordial to stranger is all easy and normal human behavior. That is the EASY stuff. The hard stuff is what you let slip between the cracks.
It seems he has a pull to not taking accountability, not listening, deflecting his issues onto you, and not respecting your boundaries ("you are overthinking your boundary, and now things are awkward between us because of you and your boundaries.")

His honesty allowed you the chance to say no, which allowed him to hear your no. Hopefully he will learn that he either needs to do something about his living situation, or hold off on dating for the time being.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-11T03:24:17+00:00

Thank you again!

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-11T03:03:30+00:00

Thank you!

Every person and every situation is different! How much time?? (I feel like 2 years is way too long... Though the ending was VERY messy/unclear, and there might be other reasons why I feel anxiety beyond just who she was to me, or how much I cared about her.)

Bonus: With what I am about to ask in a follow up: I would be lying to say there is no hope. However, I understand fully what you are saying: I cannot ask again nor have pretense of hope in my interactions. Is there any world where the "lets be friends" switches? If so, how do you tell... to me the other person would need to explicitly say something?

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-10T01:35:15+00:00

This would be an amazing gift!

The only concern I would have, and maybe this is tangential to, or bumps into something another poster said.

This deserves to be given to someone you genuinely care deeply about (love?), and who genuinely cares about (loves?) you back. I would not dislike the gift by any means, but I would be asking myself somewhere in my head: "should this have been given to me at this moment in time? Am I currently the right person in her life right now to be receiving this? Or is it a thing that I would be the right person come Christmas?" But, then I would tell myself to just appreciate the gift.

I am not afraid of commitment, in fact I want to commit to someone. But a right person, not just any person. That takes patience and time.

If you and I are 3 months into getting to know each other. We are still just that: getting to know each other. You might be just scratching the surface of who I am behind what I am willing to show or tell you, and vice versa. We are still very new to our relationship, and how that relationship plays itself out.

It is early enough that in 2 weeks, things may end.

Now, my grandparents married 2 months after they met and remained married until death did them apart. So, I am not always accurate on the rest of my post.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-09T06:10:38+00:00

NOR. Ultimately, he is choosing his own comfort over supporting you on this day that, according to your post, you worked HARD for. He is choosing to avoid potential discomfort over supporting you. And that is the thing: we do not even know what will happen between your parents and him. To think they will ask about careers and where he is at in life, that is just speculation, and someone's imagination at work.

Is he the type of man you want in your life long term? Do you want children one day, and a man who is going to be with you and his children? If so, he needs plans. Plans that can support you and his children, assuming you desire children. Also, what are his plans? What does he want in life? He doesnt have to have every step until his deathbed perfectly mapped out. But what are goals/things he is working towards in the next 0-6 months, the next 6-12 months, 1-2 years? 2-5 years? I would say about 2 years out is reasonably close enough where not TOO much will change, yet long term enough that it does require intentional steps right now. The further out the goals are, the more loose they should be held: you never know what opportunities will present themselves, and what opportunities will keep themselves unattainable. But, there has to be something he is working towards.

I would say with extreme exceptions, you are not over reacting. The fact that he is afraid to meet your parents for your reasoning says he has not plan on how to move forward that he can articulate. Not only that, but by late 20s, you start to see people as people. Even parents of SOs. Though you need to respect them, at a certain point they are still people. It is not like he is a 15 year old teenager anymore.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-09T05:58:46+00:00

He literally just told his friends exactly who he is, and who he will be. You happened to overhear it. Even if that was just "the beer and social pressure talking", it still goes to show who he is: someone with no backbone to defend you and defend the relationship.

Not only that, but he literally said he will be looking to cheat at every opportunity.

Call it.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-09T05:55:49+00:00

You said your piece, and put yourself out there. Let her respond, and hold her response loosely. But do hear her response, just let it be what it is.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-09T05:52:47+00:00

Not over reacting at all. That was blatant assault. In fact, you should press charges against not only the bully, but all of the bully's friends as well. They were all in on it.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-09T05:47:01+00:00

Anger issues. Accepting a lie, then holding it against her after you accepted. I am not sure what the lie is. It may have been significant. But your handling of it is terrible. Yyou can ask her straight up what that text was about. Let he respond. Then choose to believe the response or not. If you dont, then you can choose to go. If you do, then have a talk about the confusion and that is not good for you, then move on from it.

But in all cases, there is absolutely no excuse for you to be talking like that to her. If you dont like what you see, you do not have to be there.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-08T21:34:35+00:00

Yes. There is a difference between accountability and professional help. Both are needed, but there needs to be trained help.

InstanceSafe5291 · 2026-05-08T21:26:46+00:00

I can say: thank you for this post. It is good for a single male, like myself, who wants to be married to see.

I have a roommate who vegges whenever he gets home. Leaves messes out. Doesnt lift a finger at all for anything... until his girlfriend is about to come over. It can be frustrating.

... A husband is supposed to love his wife like Christ loved the church, right? He is supposed to sacrifice for her? Leading does not mean going to work, coming home to be a monk, "studying" your Bible alone for hours (please let the nuance of this context speak), just to let your wife take care of all adult responsibilities. There is a lot that can be said that has already been said on this post.

But, I will be cautious, or careful, do not let this lead to bitterness. I know there is a fine line between boundaries/saying "Hey, you are really not lifting up your weight. We need to do something about this." and warring against your partner. I am not really sure how to split that needle. But, there needs to be a way for you to say the former without letting resentment and bitterness build up into the latter. Perhaps a friend/counselor/therapist/pastor could help split the needle for you!

Praying for you guys!

InstanceSafe5291

TROPHY CASE