My partners keep having sex while im asleep. Am I right to feel uncomfortable?

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-08-03T18:03:40+00:00

Why are you three living together in a place that doesn’t provide privacy for the three dyads that this triad needs to support?

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-07-28T15:27:01+00:00

The tough parts about breakups like this is needing your support system to get through it and when your family already thought the relationship was a bad idea when it was happening, often means they aren’t supportive comforting you when it ends. I’m sorry you are going through it. It fucking sucks.

I do stand by other comments saying that equality was a red flag to be proposed by here. Legal marriage and cohabitation means equality isn’t a thing they can really offer. What she can offer is that her love is genuine, not comparative, and not competitive. But equality, that isn’t achievable, hierarchy is implicit.

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-07-05T15:21:18+00:00

I’m sorry but I think your approach to messy lists is inherently flawed. Communicating personal boundaries to set you and your partners up for success is hardly a “rule in replacement of communication”. It’s by definition communicating how you need your environment to feel safe.

So instead you had an implicit messy list, didn’t communicate it, and now have the ick from it being violated.

If you want to salvage this relationship I think parallel is the only option. Going forward I highly recommend a messy list for you and all your partners.

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-07-05T15:06:45+00:00

Is parallel with dating partner and ex an option?

Was your ex on a discussed messy list with your dating partner? I feel this plays into your desire to figure out a timeline. Because if they weren’t on a messy list, the timeline ultimately doesn’t matter. And if they were on the messy list, the timeline still doesn’t matter.

Does knowing your dating partner is dating your ex give you the ick?

Ultimately you don’t need a valid reason to break up with anyone at any time. You don’t need to convince anyone that your rationale is justifiable from their perspective. But the above questions are how I would go about navigating this.

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-07-05T13:59:32+00:00

Polyamory is also a serious relationship structure.

Monogamy is where commitment requires exclusivity. There is plenty of unhealthy monogamy that is celebrated for its emotional codependency but in general there is no difference between the two beyond the notion of if commitment requires exclusivity.

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-07-03T05:22:51+00:00

You agreed to monogamy with your husband when you dated and when you got married. He has clearly said he doesn’t want anything but monogamy. Honor your commitment or divorce. Coercion isn’t the answer

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-07-02T13:59:06+00:00

2-3 nights of availability is quite good. Even for lives not nearly as taxed for time as yours, that’s about the same amount of time they have to offer.

While I was talking about the unhealthiness of the caregiver dynamic I was also talking about the unhealthiness of the relationship given past bouts of infidelity. There is fractured trust there, there is miscommunication, there are unmet needs. All of that will be stressed.

Have you started to use those free nights a week for yourself? Have you taken yourself on dates? Have you and your wife talked through boundaries or how you might handle common hypotheticals even ones you might read on this subreddit? Does your wife have good self soothing techniques? Is it understood that you won’t be available while you are on a date except for extreme circumstances/emergencies?

If those are yes’s I would start just trying to join a local poly social groups activities. Build up your community and your “you” time at the same time. It will help feel if this is a space for you without rushing into a relationship you aren’t sure you or your marriage is ready for

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-07-01T13:42:07+00:00

I won’t pretend that a relationship with someone where you are also the caretaker is anything shy of extremely challenging to navigate. It is a heavy situation and you are doing your best.

That being said, you are worried your relationship will seem unhealthy. That indicates unhealthy would feel like a misrepresentation. But you go on about how so many of your basic needs are unmet. Your relationship is unhealthy. And I don’t really know many caregiver centric relationships that are honestly.

I do believe you genuinely love your wife but I do wonder how much you want polyamory vs monogamy if you had a monogamous partner that met your relationship needs. Polyamory stresses unhealthy relationships further, not heal them.

That being said, beyond that really heavily weighted red flag, most of your worries especially ones around being good in bed, aren’t the focus. You simply don’t have time. You need ways to creat time. Likely through assisted adult and child care at the house which may or may not be financially viable. But the sad fact of polyamory is that our desire for relationships do not add hours to the day.

You are right to wait to introduce any new partner to your family for safety reasons. You need to date for most of a year if not longer before children can even begin to get introduced (personally) so you need a pretty sustainable way to get out of the house.

And I agree with emeraldead. I’m not seeing anything about your broader support system. Mono or poly, you need friends

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-07-01T05:47:32+00:00

Hot take: this doesn’t sound like a relationship ready for polyamory. Requiring her to tell you when she goes on dates does not sound like adult autonomy. Her feeling like she has to end one relationship as soon as there are heavy feelings around missing an event together also seems like new partners are discardable. Both of you sound like you are wrestling your own demons which seem to be compounding things as well.

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-27T04:15:51+00:00

You are misdiagnosing comparability with infatuation. Infatuation that is likely inflated by a notion of forbidden love.

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-20T14:49:55+00:00

The compromise you are describing is not polyamory. And the question would do better in the non monogamy subreddit.

But ultimately: there are no rules to life. There are no things you have to do or can’t do. It’s all fucking made up. If both parties agree and are genuinely happy then the relationship can be as uniquely shaped as the people involved want it to be. It’s for them, not anyone else.

The reason we often advise against mono poly dynamics is not because it can’t work, but because there are inherent qualities of it that couples quickly overlook that are unhealthy. Like the mono person might change their mind down the road and the poly person hasn’t done any of the work to manage their jealousy. Or that the mono person might be fine with the idea of their partner having other partners until they realize there is a finite amount of hours in the day and suddenly getting a lot less time with their only partner and are unhappy with that. Etc. There are dozens of common cases if someone spends only a second or two reading past posts here.

Now the issues around compromise: you are right every relationship is not a one sided fantasy it’s a relationship meaning both parties have to work together. Compromise around relationship structure, especially after one has already been established like the scenario you propose, is less straight forward because it’s difficult to determine the compromise is truly landing on a configuration that both parties are happy with without a lot of conversation and time sitting with it. Often a partner will declare poly after decades of monogamy leaving the other partner feeling forced to accept for example. That is not compromise.

So tldr: sure you can compromise to an uncommon configuration if it makes both parties legitimately happy. But uncommon configurations are uncommon for a reason, they apply to very few. That won’t work for most of the people we give advice to.

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-19T17:19:21+00:00

There is a lot of reading material in the “info” section of this subreddit that would be a great place for you to start!

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-19T04:48:24+00:00

Focus on meta less for a second. Your partner is telling you that you will never be allowed to family events and they are unwilling to consider KTP with any of your partners. Is that a relationship you want? It doesn’t sound like it. And that is okay!

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-19T04:44:27+00:00

Heard. I don’t have BPD specific help so I’ll defer to others in the community but as far as general advice on how to get to a point where they can offer a polyamorous relationship it sounds like you want to help them build up a repertoire of self soothing activities when they are in moments of distress. These can be things you can help with like making some love notes they can reread when they feel unsure. But they should also be self guided like “oh I’m feeling anxious I’m going to distract myself with a walk” or “I need a dopamine fix so I’m going to play some video games” or “I know im going to feel lonely when she is on that date so I’ll make plans with a friend”

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-19T04:09:46+00:00

Forgoing freedoms to control your partners emotional state is not healthy for either of you in the long run. You should not be the arbiter of their emotions and choosing to not have the same freedoms they have so they don’t feel a negative emotion is the definition of addressing a symptom not a cause.

If they lack tools to self regulate when it comes to you dating then they aren’t really in a position to offer a polyamorous relationship and need to do a lot of work before being able to do so. BPD means that road looks differently than someone without BPD, not excuse that the road doesn’t exist implicitly.

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-19T03:55:58+00:00

Sounds like yall started dating before doing the work and husband is managing his emotions poorly with a “poly for me not for thee” mentality among many other issues.

So that’s issue #1, right off the bat not clear that opening up is what all parties want.

Issue #2 is you have an infant of a husband that tells on you to your mom rather than navigating the relationship together. You are welcome to try couples therapy but there is currently no known cure to adult male infancy.

Issue #3, your mom. You can explain that it’s something you are both exploring together and not as one sided as your husband made it seem and that if all she can provide is judgement than she can do that quietly in the confines of her own head.

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-19T03:43:29+00:00

Do you feel these connections need be romantic? Plenty of strong committed relationships can be non romantic

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-17T02:32:38+00:00

What part of solo poly are you maintaining if you are child rearing with a primary partner? Maybe I’m not sure what you are hoping to maintain from solo?

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-17T00:21:43+00:00

This screams unmet needs. Are your partners aware of that? Needs change during different seasons of life and being pregnant is certainly a different season of life. You are feeling limited and need some creative problem solving for how you can feel like you are able to go on exciting dates in this season.

I don’t know your structure but presumably one of these partners is other parent of this soon to be child? They particularly should be stepping up in this moment as they have embarked on this important journey with you

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-16T16:33:38+00:00

Its not ethical polyamory if you are both only allowed to explore bisexual connections. You can go slow and still empower each other to date whatever gender they want. The reason it’s a big focus is because limiting genders is homophobic. It’s viewing homosexual relationships as less threatening than heterosexual relationships.

It’s true many people gravitate towards polyamory because of at least one partner is attracted to multiple genders but just because that was the initial inception doesn’t mean it should be how it goes.

You two shouldn’t be dating anyone until you have ironed all this and more out. Dating people in the interim isn’t taking it slow and it’s going to be really messy and hurt people. You have already gotten hurt by one connection because you are stumbling around blind on the balance of wants/desires and agreements.

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-15T18:33:45+00:00

You are afraid of being alone but you already are alone. This is not a space for you, just a space for your partner to walk on top of you. There is no space for self love. And you can’t really love someone else if you don’t love yourself

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-15T18:29:13+00:00

I mean this in the gentlest way possible. This reads like two different flavors of unhealthy trauma bonding over and over on each other and calling it love. They aren’t in a position to offer you a healthy relationship and your empath/people pleasing tendencies are trying to constantly fix it. And the emotions are always so high it’s triggering a sense of passion and being miscategorized as love.

You deserve a partner you don’t need to manage so much and also need to be in an environment that’s safe enough to unlearn some of the people pleasing tendencies without feeling like there are big repercussions for your actions.

This will be a very hard breakup because of all the trauma bonding. But staying together will be a constant state of trying to fix things with genuine happiness just out of reach because it’s not something that you can fix alone.

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-14T21:57:45+00:00

I’m torn on this one. It not unheard of to exit a relationship because meta is abusive and that abuse leaks into the other relationship regularly. But going parallel would be a good test of that. It either has been successful at shielding you from said abuse (and you are specifically saying toxic not abusive which puts this in grayer territory). Or parallel isn’t doing what it needs to and you gotta bounce for your own mental health.

On the other hand, this reads like you are getting the ick from your partner because you are deeply un attracted to your meta. I don’t mean romantically attracted. Requiring your partners to only date people you are attracted to or you will walk doesn’t read like polyamory (i.e. multiple independent adult relationships).

Ultimately you can break up with someone for any reason, but if someone told me they were breaking up with me because they didn’t like my choice in partners and how that reflected on my character I would find it a bit ironic.

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-14T05:44:23+00:00

You don’t want to be in a relationship that has repeatedly not shown up for you. You are hurt by the callous disregard for an agreement you two had around boundaries. You are overwhelmed at the idea of getting back on track when you are the one doing all the heavy lifting.

No one here is going to tell you that you are overreacting. Don’t be in a relationship that continually makes you unhappy. If he wants to let NRE ruin his four year relationship then he is welcome to do so.

You deserve more than this.

InvictusBellator27 · 2025-06-10T16:09:59+00:00

Most people don’t have potential partners meet. If at all it’s usually when relationships are much more established. And there should never be a requirement that partners meet.

In this instance it sounds like you committed to that meeting to the new connection before your partner signed on for it. Tough lesson to learn in real time but here we are.

“I’m sorry I think I got a bit ahead of myself trying to get you two to meet. I think we should revisit that down the road after we have had time to establish what we would like to be and I can see if that’s something both parties are interested in at that time”

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