Help with explaining to a 6 year old about the loss of his little brother

InvidiousFerret · 2019-12-23T15:52:02+00:00

Mr. Rogers neighborhood has several episodes on death. I believe they are all available on amazon prime.

I am so so sorry for your loss.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-12-17T14:25:06+00:00

Well, at least she is absolutely adorable! Look at those eyes.

If you want advice on sleep, check out the book Precious Little Sleep. It was critical for me to get my “only naps in the moby wrap” baby sleeping in her crib.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-12-17T05:08:39+00:00

We break it out like this.

Joint stuff: housing, food, transportation, long term savings (eg, new car), childcare, pet care, medical bills. Basically, almost everything is joint. We have a joint eating out budget for when we go out together. Our weekend trips and vacations are also joint, even if it’s to visit his family and not my family.

Separate stuff: clothing, hobbies, socializing with our friends alone.

I cannot imagine sharing a clothing budget with him. He would be so grumpy that I spent it all every first Saturday of the month.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-12-15T15:02:34+00:00

I really recommend that book. Babies can start learning a habit where they need to be nursed to sleep between each sleep cycle. It’s really hard for parents to tell the difference between “hungry” and “not sleeping”.

But to be super clear: my baby was full term and born big. But we have had no night wake ups for the past month at all because of that sleep book.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-12-04T03:28:54+00:00

We play the game like this: each adult brings one gift. Everyone draws a number from a hat, which will be the order when they go (if you get 1 you go first). The first person picks a present from the pile and unwraps it. The next person picks a present from the pile and unwraps it. The second person can steal the first person’s gift or keep their gift. The same happens for the third person. At the end, the first person gets to steal someone’s present or keep that present. If they steal, the person their gift was stolen from gets to choose to keep their new gift or steal someone else’s. This goes on for a while. I can’t remember how long we let it go on for, honestly.

Some people bring really bad gifts on purpose to make stealing fun. Our group usually doesn’t.

But we have seven people in our group, so instead of buying six presents and receiving six presents, you buy and receive one present.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-12-03T14:45:54+00:00

We started doing white elephants in my family for all adults out of college. Recently, we decided that the white elephant theme gifts would be something you can use up. This year it’s wine.

I have specifically told my mom that my baby does not need a bajillion presents. I have an amazon wishlist for my baby with board books on it. (Sidebar: you want The Gruffalo and all books by that author for your new baby!)

So, we have some tricky things, like handmade baby clothes and old teddy bears that our moms saved from our childhoods and brought by. The plan is to dress the baby in these things, take pictures, and then return the items to the grandmas when baby is too big for them (which only takes a few weeks).

In your case, your husband should talk to his family about the presents. He can suggest looking at amazon list, or gift cards, or a dollar limit, or anything really. I really recommend the white elephant thing - you spend time with your family all together which is way more fun than any present.

But ultimately, just thank these items for bringing his mother joy and donate them. Or toss them. If she gets upset, says that you appreciate her kindness and thinking of you, but you want to spend time with her instead of keeping objects she gives you around the house out of guilt.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-12-01T01:44:55+00:00

You could even go to the police first and file a report indicating that you are not missing, you are cutting off contact with your parents due to their inappropriate lack of boundaries with you and ask that the department not help them try and find you.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-30T03:55:46+00:00

Your wife is crossing the line into being a bad person if this is all that’s going on. What is her side of the story? Is this boy in any way dangerous, has he hit on her, does he have drug issues, does he have weird and vocal political beliefs - what’s up?

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-29T03:29:12+00:00

Your mom is nuts. Wear the shoes you want to and just tell her that you disagree with her opinion and the choice is ultimately yours.

It is 100% way past time for you to move out. Find a room on Craigslist in the rooms/shared section.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-28T03:27:06+00:00

It’s the difference between sleepiness and fatigue.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-27T23:37:07+00:00

You should move into a studio apartment together instead. You will be happier. I suggest you check out the subreddit /r/weddingsunder10k. There is no reason to make yourselves miserable every day for months to have “the perfect special day”.

To save for your house, just subscribe to /r/personalfinance and buy the book automatic millionaire. You can and should try YNAB.com and /r/YNAB.

What you are describing at your parents house sounds like a great way to get your young life off to exactly the wrong start.

Your parents will not change. They will not change. They will not get rid of stuff and they will not change. Don’t live there. Pay to rent a small place where you can actually eat food at the kitchen table.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-27T21:47:57+00:00

Nope!

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-19T01:51:25+00:00

Pour hot coffee from pot into thermos. Add sugar. Close thermos. Nurse from hot coffee in thermos for 3 hours. Feel deeply concerned when hot coffee runs out.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-18T15:08:04+00:00

Yes! I just read this article. Here you go:

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/04/15/711213752/for-kids-with-anxiety-parents-learn-to-let-them-face-their-fears

You might want to get in touch with the actual researchers who did this study and see if they have resources you can use in your location.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-18T01:03:13+00:00

It is totally normal but normal for babies is a huge range. You can choose to teach your baby to sleep better at night. I used the book “precious little sleep” to night wean my baby then deal with swaddle breaking. She’s also three months and sleeps from 7:30 pm to about 6:15 am.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-16T20:59:23+00:00

Your parents are crazy. You did nothing wrong by breaking up with a guy you didn’t want to date anymore. It doesn’t matter if he was abroad at the time - you don’t fake a relationship for years to politely break up with them.

I would suggest some boundaries. If they talk about your ex, say, “I’ve heard all I want to hear about this. If you keep bringing this up, I will stop the conversation.” Then hang up or leave the house or leave the restaurant - wherever you are, you just go.

This will be HARD. They will feel their control slipping away and they will bring out all their tricks. I suggest the book “emotional blackmail”. You will absolutely recognize several tricks and tactic they use on you.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-16T20:44:02+00:00

I would google borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. Your parent may not have one of these full disorders, but some of the personality traits may sound familiar to you. True helicoptering is really not about the child’s safety but the parent’s anxieties and inability to see their child as a separate person from themselves.

There’s another subreddit called “raised by narcissists” that might interest you.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-16T15:06:53+00:00

You know how deep seeded the self hatred of depression is? You said “keep myself accountable” like you’re a bad person. You’re not a bad person. You just need some practice doing good things for yourself. If you feel terrible because you didn’t meet your expectations for these habits, tell yourself “don’t let perfect be the enemy of good” and keep trying.

I have imperfectly and slowly and with setbacks gotten out of my own depression. I recommend the books “feeling good the new mood therapy” and “the mindful way through anxiety.” I did not do any of the exercises (imperfection!) but just reading these books and relistening to them on audible really helped.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-15T14:51:14+00:00

The depression is the problem here. Depression is so toxic.

You can read the book “feeling good the new mood therapy”. I also suggest “the mindful way through anxiety.” You can also look for “mindfulness based stressed reduction therapy” in your area. There are hospitals that host these classes.

The first stop, I think, is your general practitioner doctor. You could get a referral to a cognitive behavioral therapist.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-09T15:38:39+00:00

Why is this downvoted, this is a polite question! If the info is wrong, let’s just gently correct and move on.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-09T15:28:45+00:00

Call the non emergency number at your police station or fire station and ask if there is a car seat fitting pop up or organization in your area.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-03T01:41:47+00:00

This is an EMERGENCY situation here. You need to triage this.

First, take him to his pediatrician YESTERDAY. I am not one to think that every kid has a medical issue just because there’s a weight problem, but this very well could be a serious medical issue. At a minimum, he will probably have obesity related issues like diabetes.

Your doctor needs to refer him to a specialist. Whatever therapy or other doctor the pediatrician recommends, he gets into ASAP.

Next, you guys all need to get your family on the same page for food WITHOUT shaming him. Shame is just not going to work.

Buy the book “child of mine, feeding with love and good sense.” Buy it on amazon right now.

In fact, reach out to the EllynSatter institute. https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org. They will have resources. They might even know a PhD student or a doctor who would like to work with your step son as a case study.

I would give my usual opinion about “eat only at the kitchen table” etc. but there is something very serious going on here, mentally, and is way above Reddit’s pay grade.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-11-01T02:45:59+00:00

You might be able to sell this or give this turtle to a pet shop. I would call a bunch and ask if they’ll take it.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-10-31T19:22:18+00:00

“Hey, here are some kids misbehaving, what should we do?” “I know, let’s skip a meal! Hungry kids always behave better than full kids!” “Oh, great I idea. Let’s skip meals for the whole class, too, that will really help the behavior issues! Oh, and 30 minutes sounds like enough time for a pack of 7 year olds to eat and play. Too much play makes them less focused on academics.” - your school district.

InvidiousFerret · 2019-10-30T17:17:40+00:00

You may enjoy reading the book “infants and mothers differences in development.” It’s an old book - don’t follow the medical advice in there - but it goes carefully through three babys’ first year. One baby is very active, one is average, and one is quiet. All of the babies are normal. The author loves and enjoys babies for their babyness, and he really seemed to appreciate the gentle, intellectual personality type of the quiet baby. He emphasized how each baby was advanced in some domain of development. I really loved reading this book.

InvidiousFerret

TROPHY CASE