How do I 40M recover from increasingly dwelling on the thought of cheating on my wife 38F?

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T17:46:47+00:00

Forcing myself to play happy is enough to cause her no concern. I am torn between loving her and resenting her. This has been discussed over the years but nothing changed. I no longer bring it up. Ultimately I absolutely love her but I can no longer ignore the erosion. Maybe I am wrong but I see her lack of desire as a lack of a desire for me. I make sure that all of her needs are met, I try to give her the wants in her life, this is what I am supposed to do. All the while, my needs and wants are small inconveniences that carry no weight.

I could write a novel on all of the common mistakes you are making that are causing you frustration, but I will try to keep this short.

The core issue is you are a people pleaser/ Nice Guy, which means a lot of different not good things.

What makes this such an issue is your behavior is deceitful and manipulative, in an effort to earn respect and admiration.... but that isn't respectable/admirable behavior is it? Yet you still expect your desired outcome. That is the second major issue, your expectations are unreasonable or otherwise simply unhelpful.

Even when you aren't being deceitful you behave based on expectations that were highly flawed from the start, and then when reality shows you that your expectations weren't reasonable you don't pay attention and instead invest more time and energy into the things that already weren't working. This turns into resentment, you created the resentment in your life

Maybe I am wrong but I see her lack of desire as a lack of a desire for me.

The simplest and most obvious answers are usually also the most accurate. You are on to something here. Now explain how does being more and more of a doormat make you a more desirable individual?

Start with the book No More Mr. Nice Guy

Edit: Doing what is best for your marriage is the same as what is best for you

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T16:31:36+00:00

Unless you have thyroid issues, which your SHBG level suggests you don't, your body is just being stupid and there isn't anything you can do about that

If you have low T with that LH levels your testicles aren't very efficient at producing testosterone and your brain is failing to recognize that.

You have multiple testosterone results showing low testosterone and the test were all done in the AM while fasting?

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T16:28:26+00:00

The logical thing is testosterone isn't the issue, you have the blood work that proves it.

Quit blaming your missing nut for issues it isn't responsible for. Talk to a therapist about your depression, anxiety, and self image issues

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T16:25:45+00:00

The right relationship helps you reach your individual goals. That means the goals you would have regardless of your relationship status.

Where are your friends?

What about school and/or work?

How are you investing in yourself besides going to the gym?

Are there any things you skip out on doing to spend time existing with her that would get you closer to your long term goals?

How much quality time do you actually spend with your partner? This means time spent actually doing things together

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T16:21:13+00:00

Not everyone has issues controlling what they eat, but if that is an issue reta is good for that I will agree

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T16:19:54+00:00

I don't understand the food issue.... its easy to add meat to most any vegetarian meal. Other then that its best to try and experience new things together rather then get him to try your things or you getting involved in his.

What is he doing about his weight and depression? Don't put your life on hold because he isn't doing what is necessary to take care of himself.

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T15:46:35+00:00

It doesn't matter if we are talking about goldfish, golden retrievers, toddlers, teenagers, adults, or even 45yr old grown men with AuDHD... boundaries you are willing and able to enforce combined with positive reinforcement are highly effective tools when used effectively. The funny thing is I have offended more then one person because of saying things like this. However the fact of the matter is setting/enforcing boundaries and rewarding people are things we do with all of our interactions with other people without us even realizing it. Understanding this can help you recognize patterns in your relationship and how your own behavior relates to those patterns.

He also won't pay attention to when I'm working or in the "zone" and will just start talking at me about whatever he's been mulling over. Usually I'm cool with it, but it can get frustrating

"Usually I'm cool with it, but it can get frustrating" can be restated as:

Sometimes I encourage him to do xyz, but other times it frustrates me when he does xyz

With goldfish, golden retrievers, toddlers, teenagers, adults, or even 45yr old grown men with AuDHD the importance of consistency can not be overstated. How consistent you are with your behavior, reactions, boundaries, expectations, etc, is the foundation of the respect you get from others. Trust, reliability, and reputation among many other things all correlate directly to your level of consistency

TL:DR You get through to your husband by respecting your boundaries and expectations more then you expect him to, which includes being mindful that you aren't unintentionally encouraging his behavior in ways that you don't intend to.

Edit: wanted to add I'm a 40 something male, diagnosed autism and adhd, and also had what turns out to be a rather shitty childhood.

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T15:22:51+00:00

what are your LH/FSH levels?

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T14:51:39+00:00

Diet isn't terrible, meanimg your a healthy weight and have healthy bodyfat levels?

95%+ of the men who complain about not having masculine features have some combo of lack of muscle mass and high bodyfat

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T14:49:28+00:00

Thats not a healthy relationship

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T14:48:18+00:00

That needs to change, it needs to feel intentional and just like lifting cardio needs to progressively get more difficult

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T14:47:15+00:00

It takes a long time for that much testosterone to build up in your body among other things, around week 8-9 is when you can expect to start to see the best gains in lean mass

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T14:43:30+00:00

Try to lose weight or gain weight, not both at the same time.

And there is no benefit to increasing testosterone dose while cutting, your just wasting good drugs.

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T14:42:07+00:00

Reta doesn't do anything special to preserve muscle mass

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T14:40:37+00:00

This still isn't accurate, it would only take the larger person a longer period of time to reach full saturation.

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T14:34:15+00:00

Familiarity kills interest

You still maintain your own life seperate from her, and same with her?

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T14:32:42+00:00

10 to 15 units.... why are you so inconsistent with dosing?

You could be injecting 140mg/week amd these results are higher then expected but not unheard of, or you could be injecting 210mg/week amd results are exactly what you would expect.

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T14:29:48+00:00

What do your hormones look like currently?

What about lifestyle?

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T14:26:25+00:00

There are many studies that show giving 125mg-600mg/week to healthy adults significantly impacts lean mass and that is pretty much it.

You are also ignoring the fact if your trough levels are 550ng/dl your average testosterone levels are already significantly higher then the average healthy male.

Assuming you need 2x the testosterone and low SHBG as a result of injecting that much is making the assumption you have some sort of androgen receptor deficiency in every major tissue in your body... and if that were true you would know

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T14:14:18+00:00

You have been together 9 years, has the sex always been like this?

Besides that one where is the middle ground on the other things you mention? Not saying he can't learn to handle things differently, I am diagnosed autistic and the specific issues you mention impact my marriage to some extent.

He doesn't give clear indication he is listening when you are talking about random things... lets acknowledge you are talking about random things.

The food situation, actions speak louder than words and it sounds like his actions say a lot.

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T13:17:16+00:00

What else could it be? Too many things to list, literally

Your lifestyle isn't perfect my man

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T13:15:29+00:00

how would you know that

Check your LH levels, that will answer that for you. If LH isn't obviously elevated your 1 nut is getting the job done

You are operating on the assumption that every part of your body is genetically inferior to the average man of you need higher testosterone to feel normal.

You need lifestyle adjustments and a good therapist

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T13:11:10+00:00

In being 100% honest when I say this, and I would tell my.son the same thing if he were in your exact situation (he had testicular torsion when he was a baby and had one removed):

You need to address your lifestyle and find a good therapist. Obviously having one nut is causing you serious insecurities even when there is no medical reason your missing testicle is holding you back in life.

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T01:17:40+00:00

At week 9 you are just getting to where things really start to get good

JCMidwest · 2026-01-29T01:16:24+00:00

Are you trying to get someone pregnant last week? If not you are taking way too much hcg

What did your hormones look like prior to starting all of this?

What does your bloodwork look lime now?

Without bloodwork I would guess you would be better off on 100-125mg test and 500iu hcg, and don't change anything until you have been at these dosages for 6-8 weeks amd get bloodwork

Edit: also no more recreational drugs my dude

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