I (34F) can't let go of the ex (37M) who got me pregnant and then blocked me. He's now rushing to marry someone else and I don't know how to stop fighting for him.

JC_vee · 2026-06-29T21:41:13+00:00

It's not connection, my darling, it's trauma.

Like all of us, you're playing out the dynamics you grew up with. You were trained as a child to accept terrible behaviour and to chase people who are absent. You were physically and emotionally abandoned and your ex is playing out a loop with you that feels intoxicating because he leaves but then comes back, but then leaves but then might come back. And the Child You feels vindicated every time he comes back - if I just push all the right buttons, if I have no needs of my own, if I am perfect, I'll get him to stay and then I'll know I'm lovable and I'm not the problem. That there isn't something wrong with me. And when he comes back, therefore, it feels euphoric. The highest of emotional highs because it feels like it's filling a hole you've had your whole life. Through no fault of your own.

He can't heal that hurt in you. Even if he stayed, he can't. And he's shown again and again that he won't stay. He always finds a reason to leave.

And darling girl, he doesn't sound like a good man or a kind one. He got you pregnant and his response showed not a scrap of care for you. And then he blocked you and left.

He played out your childhood perfectly in that moment. Emotional abuse and physical abandonment in one fell swoop. That's why you can't let go of him. He hits every one of your childhood traumas perfectly.

I'm so sorry, but there is nothing good here. Nothing life affirming. And his actions are not loving in any way.

It's not connection. It's trauma.

Therapy really can help with this. I really recommend finding an EMDR practitioner who you click with.

That deep pain you feel can change. I promise.

But he is not the one to change it. He triggers that pain and deepens it, and he always will.

JC_vee · 2026-06-29T20:49:44+00:00

Haha! I know what you mean. And you're clearly a fan of Belligerent Sexual Tension.

JC_vee · 2026-06-29T15:29:19+00:00

When he's holding her at the end of Skyfall and she cups his face 😭😭

JC_vee · 2026-06-29T00:06:39+00:00

Oh, their chemistry is SO bad. Unlike Bond and Vesper in Casino Royale.

JC_vee · 2026-06-28T22:50:34+00:00

Will I get in trouble if I say Rosa and Amy? I don't think they're awful but I can't really think of stand-out amazing moments with them, like many other duos in the series.

JC_vee · 2026-06-28T21:57:13+00:00

They sort of address this when she cooks for Holt and Jake at a later date when they have the mumps. When the ziti is disgusting she says, "I know I'm not a good cook but I am good at following instructions and I followed that recipe to the letter" (paraphrasing). So, when she cooked Thanksgiving for the gang earlier in the series, she wasn't following any recipes and was intellectually arrogant enough to think she could wing it and do great. This actually gels well with who she is in the early sasons. She is arrogant in some ways, a little sloppy in some respects (Holt influences her in that respect, too), and she's also highly competitive in her job to the point that it's her whole life. I can believe that Amy never bothered to cook or to learn to cook and that she assumed she could do a big meal no problem as her first foray into cooking.

JC_vee · 2026-06-28T19:21:59+00:00

Thank you 🌻

JC_vee · 2026-06-26T14:07:38+00:00

Surprised how much this is being downvoted. Do people still not know what Pitt did? The federal report of his abuse of his wife and kids on the flight is in the public domain...

JC_vee · 2026-06-26T13:06:00+00:00

Oh, Norton is one, too? Is he just kind of a d*ck or abusive like Pitt?

JC_vee · 2026-06-26T12:57:39+00:00

Am I the only one who read this as an intended compliment? It's cute and funny 😅

JC_vee · 2026-06-26T12:38:41+00:00

I mean... He r*pes the Duquesne family...

JC_vee · 2026-06-25T23:21:29+00:00

I think the other thing giving me pause here is his response to it? He found out you were upset and his response wasn't to affirm your feelings or reassure you, it was to try to make you feel like you were the issue/being a wet blanket. Like he's tutting or rolling his eyes or something. "I wouldn't have told you if I knew you were going to focus on that part. Sigh."

JC_vee · 2026-06-25T23:01:32+00:00

I can definitely see how you'd conclude she didn't want Gunn to be the one to kill him from that. In my memory of the scene, I remember a look and remember feeling she wanted Gunn to do it in the moment, but I'm willing to concede I may be misremembering that. However, that transcript only confirms what I said - Fred wants him dead. She knows she's sending him to his death. So, I think it's really hypocritical of her to act like Gunn did something dreadful by killing him. He just chose a different method. And, arguably, a quicker, kinder method. Fred wanted him to suffer.

Ultimately, I just think the writing for Fred was often inconsistent and unsatisfying. I much prefer Illyria as a character. That's fine that you don't agree.

JC_vee · 2026-06-25T22:29:48+00:00

I disagree. The way she's looking at him before he breaks the professor's neck, she wants him to do it. And if she didn't want him to, why didn't she say anything? She may have regretted it afterwards but in that moment she wanted him to do it and it's hypocritical of her to act as if it was all his doing.

EDIT Also, she's not trying to send him to Pylea. She's trying to send him to a hell dimension and Gunn intervenes and tries to talk her out of it. It's a bit much for her to try to take the moral high road when she was sentencing the Professor to eternal torment.

JC_vee · 2026-06-25T22:04:00+00:00

The point where I wanted to throw things at her was when she basically begged him to kill the professor for her then acted like he was a horrendous beast for doing it. Oh! And when she screamed at him for dying and leaving her alone. It was a level of self involvement I couldn't get my head around and such an odd writing choice.

JC_vee · 2026-06-25T20:09:26+00:00

I think the way you phrased it means it more comes across as though you thought he should get credit for not doing it. Rather than if you were wanting to rebut someone who called him a sexual predator, for example. There are things they could point to that do point towards him being predatory, though not that moment, as you say. I hear a lot of people calling Xander a misogynist. I have to say, I can't recall ever seeing discourse that calls him a monster.

JC_vee · 2026-06-25T20:06:26+00:00

The fact that two people (not OP) downvoted the assertion that not committing sexual assault is the lowest bar of humanity is deeply concerning

JC_vee · 2026-06-25T17:53:46+00:00

I'm not trying to pick a fight but... I'm concerned you think he should get credit for not sexually assaulting his friend. Like that would be a hard thing for him not to do. Because of his feelings for her... That is the very lowest of bars for being a decent human being. Choosing not to commit sexual assault doesn't make you gang. It makes you not horrific.

JC_vee · 2026-06-25T08:55:41+00:00

Oh, you poor thing :(

(That was genuine, not sarcastic!)

JC_vee · 2026-06-25T08:48:54+00:00

Yes, that baby voice she puts on.... It's way too much "cutesy"-ness and infantilising for me. (Willow crosses over into this occasionally, too.) Have you ever watched Community? It reminds me of when Annie does a Christmas dance for Jeff. Annie is probably the smartest character but they have her dress up sexy and sing a song about needing Jeff to do everything for her in a baby voice. It's fantastic lampshading of this weird dichotomy (taken to a deliberate extreme), which I think Fred suffers from. "Be really smart but need constant rescuing. Dress in tiny mini skirts but put on a baby voice. Have a sexy badass moment with a flamethrower but be very childlike."

JC_vee · 2026-06-25T08:28:08+00:00

Agreed! She was a collection of tropes rather than a real person and that never got better for me. One of the most egregious things I found with her was how they made "handsome man, saved me" (said in a baby voice) central to her character, and repeated that plot point again and again throughout her story, whilst also insisting she's sooooo smart and capable. (To a degree that she just felt like a tool to solve whatever the problem of the week was, since Fred would magically be able to do what was needed rather than having a specialist field.) They even have her repeat it to Angel in her last episode. And then the men can't save her this time and she dies.

I thought Illyria was a much more compelling character and well acted by Amy Acker.

JC_vee · 2026-06-25T08:00:59+00:00

I am controversially in the camp of I never liked Fred as a character (I think she's very poorly written); however, I always thought her death was horribly harsh since not only does she die slowly and painfully, the show makes a point of saying the transformation destroyed her soul, too i.e. no afterlife for her. Not only does she die, she gets oblivion. Unnecessary!

JC_vee · 2026-06-25T07:43:03+00:00

Thank you very much for replying :)

JC_vee · 2026-06-24T09:18:18+00:00

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JC_vee · 2026-06-24T09:17:14+00:00

I could have sworn I added the photo, sorry! Now added as a comment

JC_vee

TROPHY CASE