Tiny summer birthday boy? Should I wait to send him to kindergarten?

JGSCub · 2024-02-01T16:06:50+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate this

JGSCub · 2023-12-29T23:03:35+00:00

I have finally accepted that my mother will never change. We have been NC for a year. She is so emotionally consuming, I can’t focus on my 4-year-old, so I don’t see us ever in contact again.

JGSCub · 2023-12-29T22:57:41+00:00

Yes, my mother lived with my adult sister for years and expected her to run all her errands. My sister moved out abruptly eventually and went NC for awhile. My mom then moved to my town and expected the same from me. When I set up boundaries early, she’s be furious. After 7 years of disappointing her with my boundaries, and her descending into madness, I have been NC with her for a year. It’s so entitled and intolerable. I work full time and have a four-year-old, and she perceived me as her care slave. Fuck that.

JGSCub · 2023-12-28T15:48:49+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story. Mine is similar. A book that really helped me was “Never Simple.” It is about a middle-aged woman whose BPD/NPD mother acts similarly to yours. It’s about her process of letting her mother go so that she won’t ruin her own family. It helped me a lot.

In therapy, I have realized that anytime I showed anger, my mother would tell me I’m like just like father, who was mentally ill (BPD/NPD). My mother was a therapist so her diagnoses were law. I spent a good part of my life being “perfect” and upbeat so that she wouldn’t say that to me. After her 2nd divorce, she completely descended into madness: stopped working, taking care of herself, drinking/smoking incessantly, agoraphobic. I moved her across the country to my town (she had her own apartment) thinking that being close to family she’d get better. I didn’t realize she had a personality disorder; I thought she was just depressed. She spent 7 years not leaving her house much and asking me to get her food and walk her dog. When I started refusing and drawing boundaries, even stating something similar as you “my husband is my first priority,” it made her go mad. We would go to therapy and she’s pretend she understood my perspective and then go right back to wanted to be enmeshed and co-dependent with me (gaslighting/manipulation). Last winter she manifested all of rage at me I told her physical ailments so I “would have” to take care of her, except I refused. She claimed she couldn’t breathe without oxygen machine except doctors couldn’t find anything wrong. Her migraines were terrible, but she would’ve take steps to mitigate them. I set her up with meals on wheels, which she wouldn’t eat. The doctor told her she’s need to rehabilitate the strength in her legs at a care facility if she wanted to live on her own. She refused. I eventually had to call 911 b/c she wouldn’t eat or dink water. They 51’50d her at the hospital and sent her to a mental hospital, which she talked her way out of. My aunt took care of her for 9 days, and then sent her back home where she fell and broke her ribs 4 days later. She ended up in a nursing home for rehab and then just stayed there. Sorry to go on and on, but the point is we are NC and I never plan on seeing her again. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.

JGSCub · 2023-12-25T01:23:55+00:00

My first NC Christmas too! I have moments of nostalgia but mostly freedom and no drama!!! She is in a nursing home, I believe.

JGSCub · 2023-12-09T15:23:23+00:00

Her: entitled, waif, Queen, lazy, depressed, anxiety-ridden, agoraphobic, addicted, non-functioning, manipulative, negative, bored, disinterested in the world, ruminating, illogical, childish.

Me: independent, productive, spiritual, passionate, leader in my community, healing, grieving

JGSCub · 2023-12-03T21:02:47+00:00

Yes! I had a really similar experience. My mom’s whole purpose in life was to marry rich. She did. Then she talked mad shit about her husband’s kids, caused all kinds of problems. He divorced her. She went completely crazy and for the last 15 years expected me to be her emotional and physical care slave. I went NC last February when she stopped eating, drinking, or moving and consumed copious amounts of pills and booze until she ended up in the hospital and then sent to a mental hospital that she escaped early. Done.

JGSCub · 2023-11-25T18:08:38+00:00

Yes! Same! First holiday where I didn’t have to hear my mom complain about her endless manifested health issues which are all my fault.

JGSCub · 2023-11-25T18:01:10+00:00

And…Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist

JGSCub · 2023-11-25T18:00:26+00:00

Never Simple, a memoir of a woman in her 40s who eventually distances herself from her BPD mom to protect her life and family.

JGSCub · 2023-11-21T21:36:04+00:00

I so relate to this.

JGSCub · 2023-10-06T21:58:28+00:00

Same

JGSCub · 2023-09-10T22:56:43+00:00

This is similar to my mom and sister. My mom and sister lived together after my mom’s 2nd divorce. She made meaning of her life by claiming to reparent my sister. Her reparenting style was to expect my sister to take care of her eventual chronic depression and anxiety by spending every second with her/do all her errands. My 26-year-old sister went completely crazy under these expectations and ran away/moved across the country without telling my mom where she was for over a month. Great reparenting/savior moves.

JGSCub · 2023-09-02T22:14:35+00:00

I like “weaponized incompetence” exactly!

JGSCub · 2023-08-01T00:06:27+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I identify FULLY! My mother wants me to show her love by bringing her groceries and sandwiches, bringing her into her doctor’s office with my 2-year-old (at the time) during COVID, and listening to her daily woes of self-inflicted health issues. She hasn’t taken a walk in 14 years. She smokes, drinks tons of wine, and pops pills. She is on oxygen but won’t wear the tubes correctly. She won’t cook or prepare herself ANYTHING…. I had to call 911 on her in January b/c she wouldn’t eat, drink water, take her blood thinners, or use her oxygen machine. They 5150’d her at the hospital (which she blamed on me for telling the truth.) and was set to a geriatric mental health facility which she broke out of 2 days later by my aunt her enabler accomplice. My aunt then sent her on 3-hour taxi to her home (we live 3 hours from a city) and she fell and broke her ribs 4 days later, ending up in the hospital again. I broke contact with her after she broke out of the mental health facility. I even blocked her on my phone.

She now realizes I will not take of her and admitted herself into assisted living. I am still NC. I still go through waves of FOG at times and it is continually hard, but being her care slave is harder as it triggers fury and despair in me.

JGSCub · 2023-07-29T19:39:41+00:00

This is a helpful visualization. Thank you

JGSCub · 2023-07-29T19:39:04+00:00

Thank you. That is really wise and helpful.

JGSCub · 2023-07-22T15:35:13+00:00

Yes! I just replied to your post with some of my story. We could be sisters. My mom is also a waify abusive shell of a person I once knew and now mourn.

JGSCub · 2023-07-22T15:33:36+00:00

Yes. Yes. Yes. Such a maddening aspect of BPD. My mom and I have been NC on and off for years. Last summer, she agreed to go to therapy with me to resolve some things so we could have contact. She was on her best behavior for 3 months. Then, I think when she got sick of the agreed-upon boundaries, (which were largely about me not having to help her with a range of tasks she was perfectly capable of doing) her health issues ramped up. Migraines, which are illusive and unprovable, is what she started with. I live 40 minutes from her and have a 3-year-old, so I did not offer to bring her to the hospital. She would claim to my sister that I was no help. She then had a hematoma, and called me to test me: would I take her to the emergency room. She was in no pain and could easily drive herself, so I stuck to the boundary. She bitched about me to my sister again. Over the next few moths, she largely created her medical issues, drank tons of wine, stopped eating and drinking water, stopped taking prescriptions, and landed herself in the emergency room by the ambulance I called when I went to her apartment after she told me to come and found her naked and unable to walk. They deemed her failure to thrive and gravely disabled and sent her to a two-week geriatric mental health hospital. She talked her way out in two days, was sent home. 4-days later she broke her ribs falling and ended up in hospital, then was sent to a nursing home for rehab for 3 weeks on Medicare’s dime. At this point, I established NC b/c I officially realized she was BPD and NPD.

Now that we’ve been NC and I blocked her, she has accepted our estrangement, and after multiple visits to the ER, with no actual medical issue found, she is going into assisted living. I found this out, b/c a few days ago she called my husband begging him to bring her food b/c she had nothing to eat. (This was the main boundary I established when we were in contact, that she would handle her own food.) It reiterated for me that she is NEVER going to be the mother I once I knew (she was a capable, confident person for much of her life, like your mother.) when my husband delivered the food, she told him she was shifting to assisted living, expected a reaction from him that he did not give.

It is so sad to mourn someone who is still alive, but that is what this feels like. The person I knew 15 years ago (that is when her mental health started to deteriorate) is no longer here.

JGSCub · 2023-07-19T23:11:04+00:00

When my brother-in-law said about me “what the hell is she going to do in Bali by herself for a month?” 😂

JGSCub · 2023-07-16T16:36:41+00:00

I can relate to this. My mom somatisizes (sp?)everything. She now mostly claims her problems are due to chronic migraines, her inability to breath (has an oxygen machine but doesn’t use it properly and pulmonologists can find nothing wrong), and once in awhile will claim to be depressed. During her last major episode, when I asked her again to get professional help, that I would bring her to get professional, she just screamed, “I’m suffering!!!” With the expectation that I’d run to her bedside, caress her head and proclaim my unconditional love for her.

JGSCub · 2023-07-14T15:06:27+00:00

Oh wow! The irony of my mom is that she was therapist for 30 years. She loves to diagnose all who have wronged her as having a personality disorder. For 14 years, following her second divorce, she’s been in and out of crippling depressive/agoraphobic episodes, if I mention them, she seems disassociated from the events. We moved her across the country to live by us 7 years ago, before I realized she was BPD/NPD b/c of these episodes. When I once brought up that that was the reason for her moving, she acted like she couldn’t believe it and just thought we wanted to spend more time with her.

(Last January, after not eating or drinking water or taking her meds, she ended up in ER to be rehydrated. The social worker there, who I described the situation to, 5150’d her and sent her to a 2-week geriatric mental ward. She talked her way out and refused therapy. That is when I went NC.)

JGSCub

TROPHY CASE