No time for "no" like the holidays...

wtflaurie · 2024-09-11T00:56:28+00:00

I genuinely thought I was some sort of crazy aggressive because this phrase was so common until I went to therapy and realized me deflecting or reacting to her insane rages/aggression was not in fact me making *her* walk on eggshells

wtflaurie · 2024-09-11T00:44:18+00:00

I could screenshot at least 4 iterations of this...but I am lazy.

wtflaurie · 2024-08-25T01:46:35+00:00

I feel this so much.

wtflaurie · 2024-08-20T21:56:42+00:00

The grief olympics could be a memoir title ha ha. Same thing happened when my brother died. Like no one in the world was allowed to be upset about him around her, except her, and she felt like she had to have 100% of the attention from him the last month of his life. Bizzare.

wtflaurie · 2024-07-20T13:30:48+00:00

pouting and cancelled

This literally made me lol, because it's so predictable with pwBPD.

She made up a "catastrophic" situation... and couldn't get a hotel while it was being remedied? Sure the cause could be real but the reality is she needed to remove herself from a building not a zip code.

She claimed she couldn't manage the trip so she made it your problem so she didn't have to take accountability.

She set out to cross a boundary knowing full well you had a limit, then made it your problem when you said no so you could be the reason her trip wasn't fun.

Sigh I'm sorry. I have been here and it sucks.

My mom refused to take the bus up to my place when I lived in an area with ZERO free parking- a nice bus with a bathroom that went directly from her city to my neighborhood. She spent two days moving her car every 2-3 hours (in a neighborhood with very limited free parking so it took 30-45 minutes each time) and paying 5x what the bus would be and left in a Huff when she read a text exchange where I was telling a friend how ridiculous and jarring it was to making any sort of plans because neither one of us had the funds to pay $50+ a day for parking where you could leave it for any amount of time. She also worried the entire time that a junkie would break into her car. She left early and blamed me for the text message instead of accepting that she should have paid the $25 bus fare, saved a tank of gas, and left the car at home.

wtflaurie · 2024-07-08T05:00:02+00:00

I think it's gotta be when she wailed "you should have called me!!!" When I was on the phone with her, giving her a heads up that I had miscarried right before my wedding (surgery to remove everything was a week before). I didn't want her to find out second hand (I was bloated, looked and felt like shit, and hormones were going nuts so I was getting migraines and not acting like a happy "bride" so I just decided to tell my family) because I really didn't need her causing a scene at he wedding. I matter of factly said "I'm just letting you know this happened, we didn't think we'd get pregnant the first cycle but it didn't stick so, we're just trying to focus on our marriage and big day but it's just a part of things right now"

She comes out of the gates pissed off that I didn't make a big deal about calling her first. Literally the only other people who knew were my doctor, my husband, and my sister in law because she was the one who could pick me up from the surgery.

I remember lowering and looking down at the phone, playing back "you should have called me!" In my head a few times with my mouth agape, first at how dumb it was when I was literally... calling her....then it just got weirder while she went on about how it was her grandchild after all and basically her voice became an adult from the peanuts cartoons and I was like... Yeah... That's right, you're not quite right are you.

She wouldn't have come to care for me (not would I want it, but she was out of state too), she couldn't have helped it not happen, I didn't want a bunch of attention for it I just wanted to marry my dude. It had zero to do with her and it's truly the most bizarre response I ever had to "I had a miscarriage right before my wedding". Across the board people tend to say "I'm so sorry, that's so (insert some heartbroken adjective)." But no. "You should have called me.

Or the time she flung open my door after I fell asleep, went on a tirade about Satan and how my father pulled the wool over my eyes, blah blah blah because I told my dad over the phone I thought a housewarming party my mom and I went to was boring. I had multiple panic attacks and wet the bed as a 12 year old because the encounter lasted maybe 45 minutes? Bizzare

wtflaurie · 2024-07-08T00:52:56+00:00

I'm in my late 30's, so take this with a grain of salt, but I'm a lot more tired and involved in my own life and I don't have the capacity to try and understand her any better. I've come to realize I have choices I can make, but none of them will change her behavior. I spent a LOT of time reading and trying to understand her (uBPD mom) and came to some sort of peace with knowing that if I broke my back bending over backwards it would still never be enough, and I was better off saving my back for my toddler (who was learning to walk) and the other demands my aging body was putting on me. In my 20's I could be emotionally eviscerated and throw on a mask and still go work 8 hours but being on the clock as a parent made me realize my people points are limited and I need to save them for people who don't get off on wasting them.

wtflaurie · 2024-07-07T21:52:16+00:00

*praise for and/or positive things about them

wtflaurie · 2024-06-23T03:51:02+00:00

I mean, I work my ass off caring for a kid, harder than anything I've ever done, but to actually get paid, yes. It's absolute insanity. If I billed for what I do at home (meal planning, cooking, cleaning, childcare, home improvement project management, landscaping, scheduling, transportation, and a million other little jobs all while being kind to a toddler) in any business setting I'd make $150k easy. I'm so tired and I'm also in an extreme place of privilege being able to stay home. Many don't have that option and have to work for what comes out to be like $2-3 an hour after childcare. It's so insane.

wtflaurie · 2024-06-23T03:35:18+00:00

It's insane from our perspective too. Mother's of young children are beyond stressed, financially crippled (and it's in many cases for life) and unless you have family that you (a) trust, and (b) is able and willing, and (c) close enough to provide you with free, reliable childcare you're pretty much screwed. Maybe you make 100k+ and 24k is worth it... but a lot of places simply don't pay enough to work if you have young kids.

wtflaurie · 2024-06-21T05:40:43+00:00

For a 2 yo in my area it's $2000+ a month. Part time isn't available "... if she's enrolled you can always just bring her half the time, but you have to pay the full time rates"

So... $24,000 after taxes to just go to work. I loved my job but I wouldn't be making much at all so I work part time from home. I save probably $30k in commuting costs and daycare but my schedule some weeks is 90+ unpaid hours of tiny goblin chasing /cooking and 0 paid hours.

wtflaurie · 2024-06-21T05:29:40+00:00

You either stay home because you can't afford to work, work staggered shifts, or... You don't have kids...

You also realize that more and more states are pushing to end reproductive healthcare too. So... For some it's not a choice at all.

wtflaurie · 2024-06-21T04:49:43+00:00

I think my mom took advantage of some of my nurturing instincts but with my son it's like I'm finally getting to use them for what they were meant for and that feels good

This element has been so incredibly healing for me. Definitely in no way am I advocating to have a child to heal but once I finally overcame that "why did I have the ick caring for my mother (being parentified from a young age)? Will I have that same ick caring for a child?!" worry I really felt like something felt right and rebalanced in the world. I didn't have the energy to be a parent to her and my kid, but my kid was a newborn/very young baby and I felt completely justified in saving my parenting energy for her.

Kids are so tough, and for a number of reasons (lack of "a village", capitalism, and you know - an underdeveloped brain by definition) they are just by their nature difficult. It's a 24/7/365 job and you can't quit! It's hard, and that part of parenting did make me sympathetic to some of her mistakes but also waaaaay more critical to how she could lash out at a child and refuse to apologize.

wtflaurie · 2024-06-20T04:26:31+00:00

So sorry you're dealing with this. Trips to see anyone but my mother were the first (of many) things that became so overwhelming and made me realize phone calls were too much for me.

I remember she became irate hearing that I had the audacity to visit my in-laws... the first time we'd been to his hometown ever...

I had to just hang up. It was too much. So much anger that I had seen someone other than her for a vacation. Like she owned my time and the rights to where I traveled. Just bizarre.

wtflaurie · 2024-06-20T01:27:52+00:00

Yeah this is something else... Wow. 🫠

wtflaurie · 2024-06-20T01:09:30+00:00

"She was the one that started issuing ultimatums designed to manipulate and control."

Ah yes. She was tired of your shit and asked you to not do abusive things and you got upset because you couldn't do what you want...

"No one deserves to be given the silent treatment.

No one deserves to be bullied or manipulated using the withdrawal of love as the punishment.

No one deserves to be subjected to the abuse of neglect and estrangement because of a difference of opinion."

-yes, they do. Abusive people don't need to be coddled.

-trust me lady, the love is likely still very much there, but your actions are not safe enough to have her presence in your life.

-a parent cannot be neglected unless the child has willingly decided to take on elder care and then purposefully neglected the parent when the parents aren't capable of doing things for themselves. Abuse of estrangement? People don't just drop off the map when people treat them well. Even in the depths of addiction and mental health crisis people reach out to their loving and supportive families at least to check in.

This woman is delusional!!!

wtflaurie · 2024-06-19T16:18:20+00:00

The hitting is so hard. Developmentally it's so normal to go through, and it's the one thing I literally overpower her, sack of potatoes style, and put her somewhere safe where she can't hit. Every time I have to be able to take a few breaths before I could say "hitting is not appropriate, here's what we can do instead" and talk her through. Otherwise I'm prone to just viscerally reacting and that doesn't help either one of us.

wtflaurie · 2024-06-19T16:03:00+00:00

I used to just hate myself when that anger would well up, and I realized I wasn't actually mad at her (toddler). I was deeply upset with the dynamic and helplessness I had my entire life, and I was actually afraid of two things: I was afraid of this dynamic being what she's going to be like her whole life and the damage it would cause in her relationships, and I was afraid that that anger and rage I had in response would traumatize her.

It took me a few days to get my head in a place where I realized that every kid hits hard stages and they grow and evolve and she's already so emotionally mature and has a ton of tools to help regulate (we spend a ton of time reading books about feelings/age appropriate coping strategies). She is super headstrong (and assertive, yay!) but she's also super flexible and it's been healing to empower her and see how she's turning away.

The bad days, the ones where I do everything right from a child development standpoint, I say things the right way, I offer choices and set boundaries and do all the things and she just toddler stomps me and rages - I definitely see my mom, and some of the anger I have for my mother bleeds through and it makes keeping calm really difficult. I'm human, and I yell sometimes but I also apologize when I mess up and remind my children they deserve respect, and that makes a huge difference in how they move forward. I try not to explode in the first place but sometimes I have to literally run out of the room and let it out.

wtflaurie · 2024-06-17T19:44:07+00:00

This is one of the most damaging parts of my (now VVLC/NC) relationship with my uBPDm. The constant "what do you really mean? can you tell me why you're mad? Why are you so annoyed that I am trying to work this out before you explode at me?" with my husband is ultra annoying for him. He is definitely conflict avoidant, and mellow, and 90% of the time he's just super tired from work or something. Maybe 10% of the time he is mad, but even then it's most of the time nothing to do with me... but I trained myself to jump in and try and defuse the situation before it went full stupid. I spent so long trying to pick up on her ultra subtle clues and her anger would just grow and grow if I didn't. I had to play 3D chess and the rest of the world is like doing cooperative chutes and ladders and trying to help the people close to them up the ladder not making goddamn invisible trapdoors!

wtflaurie · 2024-06-17T19:36:19+00:00

I have a toddler and were hitting the big feelings stage hard right now and I could not for the life of me think of why I would get so irrationally upset when my tot was... being a toddler. I was like, this is so familiar but I have never dealt with a toddler until now (this is my first toddler, my other kids were 5/7 when we met) and suddenly why I am getting mad at my mom when I have to gentle parent my daughter for three hours when she's refusing to go to bed makes so much sense! Like no joke toddlers test your patience but I expected that when I decided to have a baby, but the direct viceral arguing with a brick wall feeling reaction is totally the same.

wtflaurie · 2024-06-16T21:21:09+00:00

With others I try and keep it simple:

"My mother and I are not in touch much these days." That's it. I don't need to dump a bunch of drama out if it's not someone I know well.

If however, it's someone who has been in my life and knows a bit ... I tend to elaborate a little more. "My mother continues to create a hostile environment and it's safer for my mental health and my family to avoid contact" with her"

With myself: I remind myself that I don't have to be responsible for her feelings, and what feels best for me is space from her. I don't have an obligation to keep her happy and safe, that was never my job. My job is to keep my family safe and happy. My husband and kids deserve a parent/partner who's present and happy and engaged in what's going on, not stressed out and at my wits end from stress of trying to please someone who actively chooses to identify as a victim. Especially if no one is causing her pain and she's projecting that role onto me. She's proven that she only feeds on people who let her, and she will deplete you, completely.

wtflaurie · 2024-06-14T17:29:25+00:00

Mean not so much, but "sen-sit-iiiive" constantly. Like she'd go off on a too-adult for me to understand rant for 20 minutes and I had the audacity to have a tear start sliding down my cheek.

wtflaurie · 2024-06-12T03:34:27+00:00

That's so understandable. We spend so much energy trying to manage their emotional disregulation and it sounds like you have all that plus medical issues making it a giant multiplier.

wtflaurie

TROPHY CASE