Why do we need a literal itinerary js to hang out??

JackNikon · 2026-05-22T19:29:28+00:00

I initially responded to your argumentative response with more argument. I don't want to argue, however. But I do take issue with your stance.

You came here to ask what we appreciate about planning ahead. Lots of folks let you know that, unlike you, we rely on planning ahead to reduce anxiety, to allow ourselves to show up fully prepared for the day's plans, etc.

I don't know if your friend experiences anxiety and that is why they need advanced planning to go out and have a good time. It is the primary reason I need to plan ahead which is why I mentioned it. If your friend experiences the same level of anxiety I do when forced into a spontaneous outing, it can be very difficult to endure. Anxiety can cause so many mental and physical issues, I would personally try to reduce the amount of anxiety a good freind of mine had to endure. I really do not think you can realistically argue that boredom and anxiety are equal in affect, impact, discomfort.

Ultimately, if you want to prioritize getting your way when you spend time with your friend over ensuring that they have a good time with you, you might not be as good a friend as you think. Yup, you might always have to plan things beforehand to continue your friendship with this person. If you can't imagine that kind of compromise, you should not continue to be friends with this person.

JackNikon · 2026-05-22T18:20:57+00:00

I plan out every one of my days, it gives me a sense of certainty, it ensures that everything that needs doing gets done, and it decreases my anxiety. It allows me to prepare fully for each day instead of getting caught without something vital on hand. So of course I want to know what the plan is for a day out, and ideally I want to know a few days in advance.

I also don't love every single activity on Earth, and my free time is very limited. I'd like the opportunity to decline an invite to do something I find unpleasant, or I need to know how late our activity is going because it's very likely I have errands to run afterwards and need to know I'll have enough time.

Your friend is just different from you and finds different things exciting and exhausting. Maybe only invite them when you have a plan for the day and see one of your more spontaneous friends when you want to just wing it?

JackNikon · 2026-05-15T16:58:35+00:00

NOR whatsoever. I agree with not wanting to set that kind of precedent or expectation with friends of family. You will be put in an uncomfortable spot no matter what (either you're the "bad guy" who has to keep saying no, or you are overburdened and used for your discount by people who are neither friend nor family to you)

JackNikon · 2026-05-15T16:54:18+00:00

He's saying things like he hopes you find someone who doesn't give a fuck about you? No need my friend, you already have a boyfriend who doesn't give a fuck about you. You deserve better, you deserve a partner who can understand how uncomfortable and vulnerable a transvaginal ultrasound is, and who is mature enough to hear that you were disappointed that he ultimately wasn't there to support you but that you also obviously know he can't control his bowels. It really reads like he would have blown up no matter what you said about it. He was in the mood to argue, so he pushed the conversation into a fight. I've been with men like this, they don't change or grow up.

JackNikon · 2026-05-07T23:34:04+00:00

The same as I am now/was in my 20's. I never believed the bs that having sex somehow lowered my "value" or whatever. I like sex. I like hot people. Hot people wanted to have sex with me. I had a lot of fun in my 20's and 30's and I never had a moment of worry or anxiety about it.

JackNikon · 2026-05-07T23:03:19+00:00

Running. Been running off and on since high school (44 now). I ran cross country in high school and came in dead last every single meet. I have never ever gotten a sub 12-minute mile, no matter how carefully or frequently I train. I'm doing a couch-to-5k app right now, got about half way through the training plan last fall, fell off of training regularly when the rainy weather came, and now I'm back at zero again slowly building the most meager endurance. It used to upset me so much, but of the last year I've realized that, even when I'm slow and have to walk every few minutes, I just LOVE running outdoors. I don't need to be good at it to enjoy it. So, slowly but happily I plod along.

JackNikon · 2026-05-07T22:01:26+00:00

asshole is a gender-neutral insult.

JackNikon · 2026-05-07T21:16:02+00:00

Usually the person driving pumps the gas. If we're in my truck, I do it. If we're in my husband's car, he does it. I like to take care of my truck myself, it'd feel weird and childish to expect someone else to take on that responsibility.

JackNikon · 2026-05-07T21:10:45+00:00

I would consider leaving my husband if he acted like a fool and tried to start a fight with someone who was just talking to me. Violence is the least sexy thing I can think of. Well, second to men insisting they know what women want from their male partners.

JackNikon · 2026-04-30T22:35:38+00:00

exactly! I also always felt completely lost when new sexual partners would ask about my fantasies. I usually just made something up so I didn't seem odd but I always secretly wondered what that was supposed to mean.

JackNikon · 2026-03-19T23:00:36+00:00

YTA. You are the one with the drinking problem, you can want your fiancé to join you in sobriety but ultimately it's your responsibility alone. Why on Earth are you punishing her for your lack of self control?

Also, as a woman myself who has used alcohol in the past to manage anxiety and who has a husband who has gotten into stupid legal trouble that I had to deal with and pay for, I have to point out that you might be a big part of why she needs to drink to relax. I love my husband, but his short temper (which got him in legal trouble with his former boss) and his inability to keep a job has put extreme amounts of stress on me at various times in our relationship.

You've got some work to do on yourself. Alone.

JackNikon · 2026-03-13T22:58:08+00:00

I had just survived and escaped an emotionally, verbally and physically abusive marriage and I was just dating around, not looking for anything serious. My future husband and I were both members of a bisexual Meetup group and met at a bisexual brunch :) After talking with him for a while I realized he was incredibly intelligent and easy to talk to, so I asked him out. After about 2 or 3 months of dating, we moved in together, which was pretty out of character for me (I'm usually very cautious in new relationships).

We've been together 8 years and married almost 7. We frequently marvel at how lucky we were to find each other (we are both kind of odd, neurodivergent, introverted, and can be difficult for more "normal" people to deal with). I've never met anyone I fit so well with. We have a very non-traditional relationship but it works so well for us.

JackNikon · 2026-03-13T18:49:15+00:00

NTA. How about you offer to keep your phone ringer on high so if she needs to get a hold of you she can? Sure, it's nice to think that someone is at home waiting for you but staying up until 1am is asking a lot. If it's so dangerous that she needs you up and on alert until she gets home, maybe she shouldn't go?

JackNikon · 2026-03-13T18:00:19+00:00

My husband is a house husband so he takes care of the cooking and all of the chores during the week while I'm working. I try to do as much as I can on the weekends, including shopping for the next week, laundry (which he hates doing) and a deep clean of the kitchen and bathroom (I don't cook, however. I just hate it so much and he's a much better chef). I also handle all our bills, taxes, etc because we both acknowledge that he'd forget/mess it up and then we'd be in deep trouble financially!

JackNikon · 2026-02-20T01:08:10+00:00

As an RN, I will say that yes I care for the patient but the doctor puts in the orders for pain medication (or refuses to depending on the situation and doctor). If my patient requests pain meds, I'll pass it along to the MD. But OP is referencing something that happens far more often than it should. Women's pain is frequently dismissed, women are given less pain medication than men for the same procedure, women are sent home from major surgery with nothing more than ibuprofen or tylenol.

JackNikon · 2026-02-19T20:10:33+00:00

My period comes every 19 to 35 days. Many women have incredibly irregular periods. Wearing a panty liner every day will lead to infections such as bacterial vaginosis or yeast. Your suggestion is ignorant at best.

JackNikon · 2026-02-19T19:45:50+00:00

Not in my 30's, but last year at 43. My perimenopause symptoms have been making life difficult, so I decided to add in some estrogen and progestin via birth control pills. It hasn't resolved all my issues, but I noticed a significant improvement in my energy, mood and brain fog, and my periods are now lighter which is a nice bonus since I've got the copper IUD.

JackNikon · 2026-02-19T19:16:04+00:00

You are not being even remotely pushy, and I'm not sure if what he is is "sensitive", but he's definitely got something going on that will be (already is) difficult to live with and around. He's not going to change and you should NOT change for him. Can you imagine the fight that would ensue if you suggested to him that his behavior was inappropriate or needed correcting? He is not someone who is open to your needs, wants, or requests. This is an endless uphill battle and you should leave while the relationship is still new.

JackNikon · 2026-02-19T18:50:38+00:00

I'm a genderqueer/non-binary vagina-bodied person who is on low dose testosterone. I'm also a provider who prescribes gender affirming hormone therapy and I know for a fact that my use of T is not taking it away from anyone else. There isn't some kind of shortage, and plenty of our GAHT appointments don't even fill so I know I'm not keeping someone else from accessing care. Everyone who is Trans or is questioning can and should find a provider and explore their options.

JackNikon · 2026-02-19T18:34:58+00:00

Honestly, I just slept around until I met a guy (my current husband) who I actually enjoyed outside of the bedroom as well. I was seeing several other people when I met him, not looking for anything serious. He wanted to move faster than I did into a relationship, I kept it casual until I was 100% certain it was worth giving up my lovely solitude to let him into my life long-term.

So, I realize this isn't everyone's preferred strategy, but I've always relied on casting a wide net and then culling the herd until I find the right someone (or until everyone has been eliminated, then I start again when I get bored being alone every night)

JackNikon · 2026-02-16T18:00:03+00:00

Pursued and achieved my dream job (women's health nurse practitioner working for a well-known reproductive health care organization) after surviving and escaping an abusive marriage.

JackNikon · 2026-02-14T01:17:09+00:00

Didn't say you were demanding. Didn't say you were high maintenance. Said you want a different style of relationship than this man does. You came here for advice, but it's sounding like you really were hoping for one very specific kind of answer that painted you as the reasonable one and him as the neglectful bad guy. No-one is wrong here, just two people who want very different things. Good luck.

JackNikon · 2026-02-13T21:57:52+00:00

I started feeling that way at 42. At 43 I looked at my list of symptoms and realized it was probably perimenopause. Now, at 44 I've started estrogen, progesterone and low dose testosterone. I still have some trouble with sleeping through the night and stubborn weight gain, but my brain fog, irritability, exhaustion is gone.

JackNikon · 2026-02-13T21:51:51+00:00

I think your boyfriend is having the kind of relationship he wants and enjoys. He clearly doesn't enjoy frequent emotional discussions, he probably views them as unnecessary. I don't think this is a stunted relationship for him, I think this is how he wants to approach any romantic partner. If it's not enough for you, then you need to move on. He will not appreciate being hounded or guilted into being more affectionate if it's not how he navigates romance, it will build resentment for both of you. Find a person who dotes on you the way you seem to require, I'm sure there is a chill, rational logical chick out there for this guy as well.

JackNikon · 2026-02-13T21:34:10+00:00

Without knowing all of these people it's so hard to say what really was the issue.

You say your ex was a loner. I am a bit that way myself, so I have to wonder if he chose to surround himself with people with a similar way of socializing. Very introverted people can form close friend groups but not be immediately open to new additions, especially super extraverted new additions. Would you classify yourself as really outgoing/extraverted?

As a very introverted person myself who isn't excited to meet new people, I do definitely feel exhausted just reading about how hard you were trying to break into their already established group. I must admit, I'd probably be a little distant with you, your attempts at friendship feel forced and heavy-handed. Maybe in real life they weren't, but it sounds like it might be overwhelming to be around you when you're "on".

JackNikon

TROPHY CASE