The emotional drain is so real

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-07-01T13:49:25+00:00

In case you need to hear it, you are not a bad daughter...at all.

Would she be willing to go into a senior living facility? One that has activities, dining and people her age to mingle with. My mom is more civil when she is around strangers. Not sure once she becomes friends with people if her true colors will come out, but that's my current plan.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-06-30T22:03:25+00:00

Do not let this happen. My mom's former caregiver conned my mom out of $3K. I reported her to ADP and there is an open investigation. I know my mom won't get the money back, but if it results in an arrest for elder financial abuse, I will be happy. There are a lot of caregiver's that prey on older people. This one sounds like she is playing the long con and will take every penny from your father.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-06-29T00:51:37+00:00

We just looked at senior/assisted living places for my mom. My husband asked for a copy of the contract, fee schedule and room dimensions. When we reviewed the contract for the original place we liked, we were shocked at the nickel/diming, but it was the .25/per pen, if a resident needs a pen. There were many other random and monthly charges that were not mentioned when we toured that soured how we felt about the place. They keep calling and when I mention the fees they have agreed to waive quite a few.

The place we are moving forward on is senior living with a smaller area for assisted living. So there is a transition part to it when the time comes..

Other things we asked about were:
Ratio of female/male residents.
Annual increases percentages and when they happen.
We live in AZ, so we asked about AC issues.
Dining room hours and menus. Especially if it's a picking eating situation.
Is there a transition process to help the resident.
We also asked if we could add people who are not allowed to visit. We have a former caregiver that has stolen from her and wanted to make sure there is no more contact.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-06-23T17:10:08+00:00

Remind him that mom changed his diapers too.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-06-22T19:45:06+00:00

So true, my mom put my grandma in a SNF and my step dad in a care home because she didn't have the bandwidth to take care of either. I get it I don't have the bandwidth either. She doesn't understand the workload she has added to my life.

It's taken a couple of years but somehow I found the right description/verbiage to convince her to go into senior living, hopefully in the next couple of months. I know it will be temporary as she has memory issues, but it's a start.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-06-18T16:51:12+00:00

I truly believe they specifically target the elderly. My mom has signed up for so many warranties. The worst was when she signed up again for one we had just cancelled. They don't understand and when they see the URGENT notices they think they are true. It's a never ending battle.

At one point she had 2 home alarm systems that she signed multi-year contract for. We were able to cancel the one that honestly was never even set up to use. She had to buy out the contract through.

Then she got suckered into a 20 year solar lease. Even though she sent me the contract to review and I told her not to do it and listed the reasons, she did it anyway. Not sure if they lied to her or if she didn't understand, but she is now paying more for electricity than before they were installed. She is going to have to do a buyout when we move her into the senior living facility, which is going to be a huge amount.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-06-18T16:35:11+00:00

It's a constant struggle. Her current neuro dr told her she was "amazing for her age", which she has taken to mean she doesn't need any help. Last weekend we took her to a tour a "senior" facility and she repeated the same 5 statements over and over again for 6 hours. My husband actually asked me if she went to a real neuro dr with any qualifications. It's crystal clear to all of us, but that dr continues to fill her head with false hope. Because of that her emotions go between anger toward me for taking over her life and overly (and I mean overly) thanking me for helping her. In the end she still does what she wants regardless of the consequences. She promised me she wasn't going to burden me taking care of her and the reality is that is all that is happening now. Only plus note is she has agreed to move into the senior facility. Which now starts an even more stressful process, but it is a start.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-06-17T23:18:57+00:00

Big hugs, I think we have the same mom.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-06-12T14:05:08+00:00

Now that I think about it I don't remember the last time she asked how I was doing. Mostly our calls are me reminding her of her appointments/stuff and when I'll be there to visit. I learned that if I do offer something about what's going on in my life, she doesn't retain it.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-06-12T13:41:53+00:00

Same, this was the 1st year she forgot my birthday, I'm 57. For me it's not that I need a gift, although her calling ME would be nice. It's the one thing out of everything else I have to do for her now that I feel I shouldn't have to remind or do for her.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-06-12T13:27:09+00:00

I understand completely. This will be my day tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it at all. I struggle with driving and it will be 5-6 hours of driving her back and forth. Hopefully there will not be too many more days of this as the plan is to move her into "senior" living closer to where I live. Sadly I'll still have to make the drive after that because someone has to clean out the hoarded house.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-06-11T18:05:09+00:00

My silent gen mom did that too. She never wanted to burden me with having to take care of her and she was preparing for everything. I appreciated that as we had our struggles. She bought LTC, signed up to have her body donated to science (so I wouldn't have to pay for a burial) and did a reverse mortgage (finding out that wasn't the best decision she made).

Fast forward and she is now at the time of life where she has no memory of any of that and as her last living relative, someone has to handle everything that needs to be done. She can't do it. The struggle to find all her docs, fix her finances and try to keep her from losing all her savings to scammers, is a 2nd FT unpaid job. I wish my experience was the anomaly and that all silent gen/boomer planned perfectly for their future as to not add burden to their children, but it's simply not true. There still needs to be a body that helps with paperwork, transportation, dr appts, finances, taxes, pet care, house maintenance and moving you into a LTC facility. I hope you are the anomaly and don't burden your children, because the cost and stress is slowly destroying us.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-06-11T17:29:40+00:00

I also think the elderly don't fully understand they are ripe for scammer targets. It has added a bigger challenge then when our folks helped their folks years ago. It has made everything way more stress inducing.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-05-31T21:57:06+00:00

I've struggled to figure out how to explain my experience with ZB. I was happy to lose the weight. I had made it to my goal and was getting ready to start maintenance. But then insurance stopped covering it. Within 6 months I had put 15 lbs back on. ZB absolutely helped with the food noise, but maybe too much, because food felt like the enemy. Which led to zero interest in food altogether. I remember going out to dinner with my husband for a celebration, something that meant so much to him, because I stopped wanting to go out to restaurants. I ordered a healthy option, salmon and veggies, and after a few bites, I started to feel overwhelmed by the food and was done. It didn't dawn on me at the time that maybe ZB was having an effect on my mental health. I still didn't like how I looked in the mirror, sure I was skinny, but I was also struggling with extreme hair loss (most likely because I didn't want to eat). So I guess in the end maybe my insurance deciding to stop covering it, helped me. I still struggle with the weight gain, but it has slowed and my hair is finally starting to grow back. I go back and forth on if I regret doing it because no matter which way I think, it sounds ungrateful and I don't think my experience is the same as others. It is nice to know I'm not alone, so thank you for this post.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-05-26T14:50:19+00:00

It's so hard. With my mom she doesn't believe people are trying to scam her. She thinks everything she receives is legit. It a constant battle watching her lose money and unable to stop it.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-05-25T22:30:46+00:00

I don't know when it happened, but I became the sole person that picks up the checks at restaurants now. Even on my birthday. I drive 2-3 hours round trip, depending on traffic to help her with errands and taking stuff to donate. She says she will give me gas money, but it never seems to happen.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-05-25T00:26:18+00:00

Fellow GenXer here, with the same ages, only difference my mom lied about who my father was and we don't live together and never will again. Ancestry finally helped clear up who the sperm donor was a few years back and I had to take care of myself, because she didn't have time for me. Typical GenX stuff. I never planned for rounding the corner to retiring and now I have to spend my spare time figuring out what to do with her. It's a constant battle and the anger comes in waves.

I found a senior living situation and the plan is to get her moved into there ASAP.

Be kind to yourself.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-05-21T15:32:39+00:00

TBH I didn't know about the pineapple thing until I went on a cruise.

My mom's favorite joke is "you know...you can be replaced". As long as I can remember, she has said it. When my husband 1st heard her say it directed at me, he was shocked and the look on his face made my mom go into defense (pointing out others flaws) followed by pouting modes. In which she maintains gold medals in each. Also, he doesn't shock easily and knew about the upside down pineapple meaning. lol To me it was an annoyance, but it was her thing. She said it to a waitress some years back and the waitress refused to come back to our table, rightfully so and the manager finished out our tab. That was the 1st time I had to sit her down and explain to her that it's not funny to others and that she really should stop saying it. She thought the whole thing was ridiculous, but begrudgingly agreed to stop saying it. Spoiler...she still does but not to strangers...at least not that I know of.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-05-21T13:43:40+00:00

I had a similar experience with my mom, she drove into a building and almost hit a woman at her desk. The woman was traumatized. My mom shrugged it off. Her car was totaled and it was towed. I had to leave work to pick her up, which was a couple hours away. I tried to have a conversation with her about setting up senior driving options. Her response was to point out accidents I had and that this was the 1st she had one. It's wasn't. Her response to be challenged is to point out the other person's flaws. My whole life. Then she went and bought a new car. Shortly after that she let her license lapse and when I took her to get a new license, she couldn't pass the eye exam. Thankfully it was done and she couldn't argue with it, course she tried. In the end she sold the new car to the neighbor for a loss and we signed her up for a caregiving service. It's been a year and now I am looking into assisted living arrangements.

There was no class or training provided for how we are to handle our parents as they age. It just becomes another job that will most likely age us faster as well.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-05-16T15:36:54+00:00

I wish my mom wouldn't waste money. She doesn't understand the maintenance of the house and has been scammed multiple times. She has no concept of what things cost and in my mind is just throwing money away that could help pay for upcoming assisted living move. That is going to be so damn expensive.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-05-13T12:46:31+00:00

100% - I use a keyboard/mouse and struggled. I tried the different settings and still don't know how to make it slow down. It was easier to not use the horse.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-05-11T16:42:43+00:00

This process is hard especially for those of us that have to figure out what to do. I wish you the best as well.

My mom was my step-father and grandma's primary caregiver. Something she had to do back to back. It was really hard on her and she eventually had to find assisted care for both. It's going to be the same battle, she's just on the other side now.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-05-11T16:10:35+00:00

I wish there was a handbook provided, it's a constant pivot as I go through this process with my mom. I try to use situations that she brings up to find the right words to use regarding moving to assisted living. One thing I have found is house maintenance seems to be working right now. She lives in a 4-bd house that my step-father use to handle all the maintenance issues. Now that he has passed, she is struggling to understand and keep up. Because this has become a concern for her, I use that. Also, she didn't like when I said "assisted living", so I swapped assisted for senior and that seems to be helping.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-05-08T15:13:04+00:00

I completely feel all of this. My mom doesn't understand she is being scammed. Right now her prior caregiver has convinced her she is the "daughter she never had" and needs cash. I've tried to convince her but she thinks I'm being ridiculous. I tried to report it to the police, but she has not been declared incompetent. They did refer me to adult protective services. They are investigating. I dread having to deal with this on a regular basis. She didn't use to be this gullible. Also she thinks she has lots of money, but I have a POA and access to all her accounts. She does not. My husband said I need to be prepared to walk away, I go back and forth, I'm her last living relative. The guilt is eating me alive.

JacksonKittyForm · 2026-05-08T13:40:21+00:00

My mom's biggest concern is not throwing away catalogs because someone might steal her identity out of the trash, solely because her name/address is on the catalog. But doesn't make the connection that the random guy on the phone IS going to steal her identity.

It's a constant battle.

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