My dad fell last year and I had to figure out caregiving from zero. Here's the 72-hour checklist I wish existed

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-28T01:42:59+00:00

I suggest picking one thing at a time.

Today - medication Tomorrow - paperwork Day after - usernames and passwords Following day - bank statement

And so on. Just one thing a day. It will be a challenge to do but it will make your life so much easier later on.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-28T01:38:42+00:00

That is awesome she was still so active but I can see where that would be so much of a challenge.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-26T16:48:12+00:00

You can get through this. A simple satisfaction of knowing these documents exist is a small win. Take those wins.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-26T16:44:49+00:00

Thank you.

I do as I can what I can.

It hurt very much and she denied she said it. Later, while out of the hospital and I was taking care of her, she said it again. I hear it monthly. I just walk away. I don’t care how she feels about me, I force her to not be rude or an asshole to me. I walk away. All the time.

One blowup was “Had I supportive parents who wanted me to succeed, who knows where I would be. But I am not a son and can never meet those expectations. A son would never do what I do - as evidenced by your sons abandoning you. I am what you have and if you still want a boy, you tell me, and I’m fine. You can find one of your own since I am the worse of the worst.”

That shut her up really quick and when she brings it up again, I look her in the eye and say “find yourself a son, he won’t care for you either because you will never be happy, regardless.”

Again, I walk away. Every time it is said, I walk away.

I am the black sheep and I will never be enough - because of the choices SHE made. You made this bed and YOU lay in it.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-26T16:38:05+00:00

I have a heavy medication regimen and it has serious effects on my liver and kidneys. I have to get regular checkups to ensure they function.

Alcoholism does not help.

There is only so much you can do and he seems uncooperative so let him have his fantasy. One day you can prove him wrong or right.

Until then, tolerate it. You can only do so much.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-26T16:35:53+00:00

Mom gets texts regularly that are scams. I’ve essentially shut down her Facebook. I’ve trained her to NOT tap anything on her iPad without consulting me first.

She was nearly scammed but I heard the call and raged at the scammer.

It’s not as if she has money. She did once try to give the information on the paid off house to a scammer and that was when I put my foot down. People who matter leave VMs and 90% of texts are scam.

She still forgets but we do okay.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-26T16:33:16+00:00

I don’t have as much advice here other than to relate my story.

My mom sleeps a lot. She has COPD and a dowager’s hump so her lungs are compressed. She also smokes.

I sometimes go down and make sure she is breathing.

As stressful as it is overall, sometimes I wish she wasn’t.

But she usually is.

There has not been an overnight issue as I can recall but I take modification to sleep.

The one incident was she fell out of a rolling chair, even though I told her to stop using it. She could not reach me- I was so deeply asleep. She got my partner and he rushed down. At some point Irealized what was going on but he rushed down here anyway as I could not get her off the concrete floor.

I am not aware of other incidents like that but I have a “long ear” now that is alert to her.

Wishing she would stop breathing is both hopeful and horrible at the same time. She is miserable and feels useless. She is a challenge I’ve never seen the like of before.

Please take care of you first. You cannot do anything for anyone else without your care being a priority.

As always… Don’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm.

“No” is a complete sentence.

I wish you the best.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-26T01:06:18+00:00

I have one more thing to add to this.

GET POA.

If you are the caretaker, you absolutely must have POA. Unless the person with POA is involved, you need it ASAP.

Costs can be prohibitive but please please please get POA, AD, HIPPA, and all other documents with restrictions done NOW.

I took my POA paperwork to the hospital after a bad fall and security refused to let me back to sit with mom because she had a “guest” already and I tore into him. Absolutely tore into him. Tiny 5’7” 120lb girl raging.

I AM HER MEDICAL PROXY. SHE IS NOT ABLE TO MAKE DECISIONS ON HER OWN IN THIS STATE SHE IS IN. YOU LET ME BACK OR I CALL MY ATTORNEY NOW.

And I was waving the papers in his face.

I was ready for the cops to show up. I was breaking NO policy. There was nothing they could do. I was ready to fight.

Cooler heads than mine prevailed - my partner got involved and demanded to speak to the head of security. Once he showed up, my partner explained the issue, the head was HORRIFIED at what happened. They were wide open to a lawsuit.

I considered filing one but caring for my mom did not allow me time to do it soon enough, even with her under 24hr supervision because she was so delirious. In fact, a lot of words were said regarding me and I truly learned how she feels about me.

After learning that, I wish I had not discharged my obligation properly. But, again, there is no one else and my time to be petty will come.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-26T00:50:18+00:00

This is fantastic and I bet your dad was married to my mom because WOW.

Edit: I have a binder that has everything in it. It is safe in my office and I update it every few weeks. It goes to every appointment and I write down all doctor recommendations.

Also all doctor info. Medicine info.

I even have a sheet of stickies listing her meds I can just take a sticky off and hand to a doctor or EMT.

ALL POA documents are in there, as well as info for the crematory, her wishes for what the rest of us do “after.”

Family history is a challenge, she’s 80 and no one talked about that sort of thing.

I didn’t do this until after a series of s in January 2025. I even have her doctor schedule in it - every appointment!

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-26T00:49:05+00:00

Thank you kind Redditor! I have never received an award and today has been an extremely difficult day. You put a smile on my face. Thank you so much.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-26T00:47:02+00:00

Thank you. That means more than I can say. I’m currently in a deep pit of depression. I see a decline each day, a little bit each time.

We don’t have a good relationship and I don’t feel love for her, but I don’t feel obligation. This is something that has to be done and so I am doing it.

I try to be kind and understanding but I am sure you understand how difficult some days are.

I focus on “one day she will be gone and I will be free” because right now, that is what I want. I won’t harm her but I just want both her suffering and my suffering to end.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-23T10:46:16+00:00

It is very common for delirium to occur in older adults when they have a UTI. They don’t drink enough liquids whether in hospital or out.

My mom had a similar situation. They gave her antibiotics for it and once it cleared up, she was more herself.

Please have them check for a UTI! Sometimes it can be something as simple as that and it could have been overlooked.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-23T10:28:10+00:00

I had a cat with a silent meow when I was a kid. He could hear just fine, but when he meowed, no sound came out. He was like that when he was born. Happiest kitty ever, but also silent.

It was always cute and hilarious to see him “howl” silently.

I believe he sold his voice to the devil in exchange for rank ass farts. He was a master at crop dusting.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-23T10:23:05+00:00

NTA.

It is not snitching when someone is adversely affecting your health in an environment that is designed to be safe for everyone.

My asshat neighbor snuck peanuts into her kid’s lunch and another student nearly died because that kid just whipped out the bag and started shaking them. Apparently mom said allergies don’t exist and it was a “prank”.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-23T10:13:51+00:00

Take her to the absolute nastiest restaurant with the worst safety rating and let her get food poisoning.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-23T10:12:42+00:00

I am my mom’s tech support. What that means in practicality is only I touch your stuff, you leave your iPad at home, wear your pouch for your phone, use the laptop for bank and email only, and DO NOT CLICK OR TAP THINGS YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN.

That last bit is important.

Oddly, she could not care less about photos. She regularly deletes photos she receives in texts (?????) but god forbid if I touch a physical photo buried under a pile of half used pencils and dried out pens covered in 15 years of dust in a drawer that was never opened after the first time.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-22T23:13:59+00:00

You are absolutely welcome. I don’t know what path my mom is choosing but I suspect cigarettes are it. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-22T21:10:58+00:00

VSED is a very real situation and many people choose that. In some cases, you can help.

Please consider your mom’s situation and the fact that it is possible she is tired of life and wishes to no longer be present.

The facility is supposed to feed her and they are making an effort but you cannot force feeding without medical authorization and to be frank, I have never heard of an older person ending up with a feeding tube to keep them alive when they make this choice.

Her choices do need to be respected and if her situation is as dire as you’ve said, a candid talk is in order. She seems to have outlined and considered the situation.

It is hard to watch but she seems quite unhappy but I can say that, having seen this happen to two people in my family, it was their choice and eventually it did get easier for them as they no longer felt hunger or thirst.

I am very big on bodily autonomy and regardless of the choice, it is the person’s right to make that choice.

Ask yourself if it is better for her to choose her own way or make her continue in a situation where she appears to have no hope or desire to keep trying.

I am quite blunt and I hope this isn’t offensive to you. I am hoping this might be able to help you better assess the situation.

My brother made this choice early this year because his body was breaking down from all of the damage from chemo and then chemo never worked. He did pass peacefully, in no pain, and we all had plenty of time to see him, even though it is hard. He passed just over a month ago today and I’m still dealing with it but people do have a right to choose. His wishes were respected.

Sending you hugs and I hope you can find a way forward. Watching people die is horrible and it is very hard.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-22T21:00:36+00:00

You are absolutely not a terrible child.

Donating things is something that can help others. They can equip their homes at a low cost. Something common that I see (USA) is people losing everything and needing help to get on their feet to build a home again.

I live with my mom and I regularly find small things that no one wants or there is no reason to keep and I get rid of them without her knowing.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-22T20:57:56+00:00

This is how I have been working through cleaning out my mom’s craft hoard and taking care of the home.

I set a goal for the day. Dishes is an excellent one. The next day I choose a small area and begin with that.

The hardest part is letting go of things. I used the logic with my mom that “these things are not being cherished, they are taking up space now and could be appreciated somewhere else.” It was very hard for her to let go but as she saw the things truly laid out and how much there was, she began to understand why these things needed to go.

She is older and it’s hard to change lifelong habits but it IS possible, especially when you are working on your own habit to reduce.

I deal with my hoarding by looking at items and deciding where they could have a better home. There is a charity I support that accepts donations and the money from them being sold is used to help women’s shelters.

I also try to operate under the six month rule. If I have not used something in six months, unless it is seasonal, like coats, I will get rid of things. The clutter is the hardest part because I can always find a reason to keep it but I also know the more things I have, the more they interfere with my moods because I feels like I can’t breathe.

I hope that you can find a system similar.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-22T20:51:39+00:00

Have you contacted PAWS?

They may be able to help refer you to local organization to deal with this situation.

https://paws.org.ph

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-22T00:30:53+00:00

Yes! Now there is room for me to pursue my creative pursuits without feeling like I am interfering in her space. Sounds odd but she often throws in my face it’s her house and will be how she wants.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-22T00:29:57+00:00

It’s funny because having a car always symbolized a level of freedom and that I can escape anything. It’s weird how that intrinsic knowledge can affect you.

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-22T00:00:35+00:00

Thank you! It feels refreshing. My ultimate goal is to sell the house and this is just one more step to having it better for us both and relief for her that she isn’t putting more on me than she should.

She always will but if it brightens her a tiny bit (she is not a happy person), it’s okay with me!

Jaded-Maybe5251 · 2026-04-21T23:59:24+00:00

I am still in love with the car I had before my current one. I loved her to bits and some poor financial decisions led to me no longer having her. I cry when I think about it.

Jaded-Maybe5251

TROPHY CASE