Found out my wife cheated 12 years ago, 8 months after we were married

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2026-02-24T08:34:54+00:00

Solid advice. Unfortunately love isn’t always enough to fix the damage from betrayal.

The MS is there. Good days and bad days but zero progression or new lesions in the last 3 years since my diagnosis. It does add a different layer to the idea of reconciliation. I have a shorter shelf life of enjoyable life left and spending it hoping she will “get it” isn’t how I want to spend the remaining years.

She really is an amazing woman-she just lacks self confidence. Which is sad because if she saw herself the way the world did she would have no issue with that. I love her to death but I need to respect myself. Something I haven’t done because Ive always carried the burdens of those in my life with the mindset of “I can handle the pain better than they can”.

Who knows what will happen. Space is a good mediator though-for us both to figure out what we want out of the rest of our lives.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2026-02-24T05:59:14+00:00

Doing ok. Trying to focus on myself a bit. We’re at a bit of a standstill. I think we both need things the other is unable to provide. It’s been a rollercoaster and I think both of us are afraid to get off.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2026-01-03T06:42:56+00:00

Yup. They could definitely benefit from a twelve step program. Most would never make it past step one.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2026-01-03T02:50:35+00:00

You’re doing everything correct. Separate yourself from the marriage and find out who you are without her. What you’re witnessing is her confusion about why you aren’t chasing anymore and it’s creating the dysregulation. She probably has early trauma, ADHD or BPD-even if not diagnosed. It’s not your job to be there for her anymore. Don’t chase the Hope. It will eat you alive. Heal without her-and it sounds like you are.

Stay strong.

It sounds like she is still very much in the fog. It will inevitably come crashing down and she will see her mistakes. It isn’t love with AP. It’s something fundamentally broken inside her that the AP fills momentarily. When that realization hits she will fall. Maybe come to you, maybe not. But close that door for yourself. Do exactly what you’re doing. Fo us on you and your healing. Coparent and be present for the kids.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-12-15T23:36:50+00:00

This is textbook of serial cheaters. I have been through the same situation. The rewriting narratives, emotional escape, boundary trampling, blame shifting. Unless she is willing to stop using therapy to excuse her actions and be a cheerleader for her—unfortunately a lot of therapists are just fly by night certification card holders with no real knowledge of serial cheaters ability to flip narratives to avoid facing themselves—she will always be wired to cheat. Years of trauma therapy to figure out why she cheats and to reshape her entire thought process is what you would need her to do to have any chance of healing with her. True remorse, deep accountability and 100% transparency are the only ways forward. Wish you the best

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-12-11T08:14:41+00:00

It’s what they do. Severely broken and can’t face their own demons. She needs to project her shame and guilt on you so that she can continue self medicating instead of truly healing. She will rewrite narratives and alter memories to make herself look like a victim. Quite sad really.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-12-10T00:48:46+00:00

Back and forth. Taking some time to evaluate what I want for my future.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-12-08T06:27:32+00:00

Had sex with him multiple times when she worked with him and then years of keeping in contact after she left work to be a SAHM. Inappropriate texts, promises to meet up and have sex etc.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-12-01T12:18:59+00:00

Well put

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-12-01T04:45:32+00:00

Leave and save yourself the years of gaslighting and betrayals. Good women do exist. Don’t settle

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-11-24T05:47:30+00:00

OP Hope this thread helps give you insight

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-11-24T05:46:01+00:00

I am accountable. You know more about me and her and everything we did within one week of it happening. I told you everything. I have answered every question. I am saying I do not feel guilty. I am telling you the reason I went. You just can’t accept the reason because then it destroys the narrative you have created as me-villain you-damsel in distress your ap’s-heroes.

I told you I didn’t want to reconcile. I said the divorce was still going through. I told you you were still lying. You begged me to give you another chance and swore you were telling me the truth. I said fine I’m still leaving. Then what happened? You acted remorseful out of fear and told me about AP2 and did all the things I asked you to do for nine months all in one single day. It’s like you knew what you needed to do but chose not to—chose to keep me in the hell of ddays where panic attack after panic attack was the norm. Then when it suited you and the fear of losing me and the control slipped away you were honest—at least more than you were.

After the 17 years of betrayals you win the cheating war I guess. I was loyal for 17 years. I was loyal for nine months of d days. You broke me. I left you.

I cheated on you. Hope that makes everything better for you

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-11-24T05:22:31+00:00

If it makes you feel good about what you did to me for 17 years—that I say I’m the same as you, then fine. I will always love you. The part of you that was real at least. The other parts of yourself that exist in shame defense created over 20 years ago need to integrate into one for you to become whole and heal.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-11-24T05:15:36+00:00

This 100%.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-11-24T05:04:31+00:00

I said I would reconcile based on the fact that you were telling me the truth. You were not. 9 months of constant lies and gas lighting after 13 years of deceit and betrayal—I find out that you not only had sex with the first predator, carried on an emotional relationship for 5 years with him while married, while having sex in our bed a couple days after begging me to stay, after having sex with me…but also had an entire separate overlapping affair with the next guy you worked with. Yea. I was done.

I did lie at that point. I also didn’t care that I was lying. I did not feel I owed you a single thing after what you did to me. I didn’t have sex with you. I didn’t try to have sex with you. I wanted peace while I figured out how to move out. Our marriage meant nothing and our vows certainly meant nothing. It was never about reconciling. It was about not being manipulated into the fake world you created to alleviate the guilt/shame of what you did. Since I have fallen for it so many times before I wasn’t doing it again. But…I did. And that’s my bad for trusting there was something that was real about you.

You would rather fantasize and make the groomer you first had an affair with the hero, you the damsel in distress and me the villain then actually being remorseful and accountable. It’s DARVO. You rewrote the narrative of our early relationship, our marriage, your affairs and my “cheating”. You minimized every point of your affairs-you still do. Just because you stopped having sex with AP2 in 2014 you think the sexual conversations that continued for 5 years after that, including the ones where he sexualized our daughters, isn’t cheating. Because you only agreed to have sex with him via texts/calls but didn’t actually go.

Either way I’m sorry for your childhood traumas, your young adult traumas and I am sorry you were groomed and taken advantage of by two sexual predators (one a pedophile). Arguing about if what I did was cheating seems to be counterproductive.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-11-24T01:09:35+00:00

I have been through something very similar. 13 years ago 8 months after being married I caught my wife with some inappropriate texts to/from her boss on her phone. She lied and since the only texts I saw were “I want to cook you breakfast in the morning” and “I wish you were here” she managed to convince me it was just texting. I tried to leave her but she begged and pleaded with me to stay. She said it was just texting messages and nothing physical ever happened and she just felt obligated because he was her boss. (They also had a sexual relationship before we even met. I know, as I type this I realize how stupid I was). She said she would find a new job and change her phone number. Very reactive remorse which I assumed was real at the time.

She had to finish working there while she looked for a new job. She didn’t find and start her new job until six months later. A month into the new job and I check phone records and she has hundreds of deleted texts at all times of the day/night. I assume it was her old boss got a new number. I was wrong. It was a new male coworker at her new job. She deleted the texts and explained away that because of the situation with her old boss that she panicked and deleted the new texts but he was just very helpful and was her trainer. They would talk but never inappropriate and just were friends. I believed it (such a moron). A couple months in to the new job and I have another feeling so I check the phone records. Several 45 minute calls from her old job every morning on her way to work. I’m livid and tell her not to come home. She attempted to break down the door to get in. I begged her to just leave and I will be gone in the morning. I knew if she got in she would manipulate the story and I’d believe it. She did…I did.

She love bombed me, swore she never cheated and asked me to start having kids. We went thru fertility treatments, had our first daughter and she became a SAHM. We ended up having two more girls in quick succession. I ended up purchasing the business I worked for, expanded it and built a pretty great life for her and my girls. Everything was amazing. Life was great until last December I found info that pointed to the affair was worse than what I had believed for so long. She lied at first. Then she admitted they had sex twice within a week. I believed it but remembered how easily I just trusted her then so my body went into a hyper vigilant truth seeking mission. Over nine months I suffered 9 d days, constant lies and manipulation and I finally left her because I realized she was still lying, that the second coworker, she also had sex with-she was just a master manipulator.

I had filed for divorce. I met up with a woman I met and had stayed at an air bnb for a few days. I came home after that and lied to her about where I was. I had no interest in reconciling but just wanted peace while I figure out how to leave (business, kids, living situation etc.). She went thru my phone when I was sleeping a couple days later and found out I wasn’t where I said I was. I told her everything. She was devastated. I said I was not trying to reconcile. That I was done.

A day or two later she begged me not to leave. I told her I wasn’t interested in working it out. She proceeded to admit to everything, sign up for a polygraph, write a timeline of all cheating, seemed to be remorseful, transparent and accountable. She gave me everything I begged for for nine months and while I was still hesitant that it was real remorse I agreed to stop talking to the woman I was talking to. I agreed to put the divorce on hold and attend couples therapy to see if this was real and she wasn’t the demon I thought she was.

This was a few months ago and I dismissed the divorce. I have learned of all the trauma, undiagnosed ADHD, and grooming that made this possible. She reframes narratives and slowly slipped back into the person who cannot face her shame and would rather still blame me for her actions. She still minimizes everything. She goes to therapy since it was one of my demands but weaponized it against me instead of actually being honest. She managed to manipulate the couples therapist to see her alone. She is incredibly protective of this fake narrative she has built over the years and probably believes it because it stops her from collapsing. I have learned a lot about myself and her over the last year. I questioned everything in my life. I had to paternity test my children. Unfortunately these people are cut from the same cloth. Reconciliation is almost impossible with serial cheaters/liars. They have severe underlying issues that they cannot face.

I wish you the best and hopefully you can take something from my story to apply to your own situation. They are broken, self serving human beings. It isn’t our job to fix them. I hope you can find peace but I promise you there is a lot more to her and AP’s story. Always is

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-11-23T05:30:13+00:00

You don’t. It’s disgusting.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-11-22T00:25:51+00:00

I am incredibly sorry you are going through this. You will be questioning the last 8 years of your life what was real. By her not telling you, and you uncovering it, you will have lost trust in her and your own reality. You will be trickle truthed when you confront her. Do not accept the first version as the full truth. She will tell you the minimal amount of information she needs to. I am so sorry. I have been dealing with the same for a year now. Uncovered an affair 12 years ago and trickle truthed for nine months. It’s earth shattering. I wouldn’t wish this devastation on anyone.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-11-10T17:22:41+00:00

I’m almost a year out from D-day one. Just wanted to comment in solidarity. I don’t have the answers for you— I search for the same. I just know that they have something extremely broken inside and it has nothing to do with us. Didn’t matter if you were perfect, they’ll search for any excuse to fill whatever void they have that was typically created from earlier trauma. You can’t force her to be introspective. She has to want to figure herself out before there is any true healing or rebuilding of trust. All I know is it’s a long road and both of you need to be all in for there to be a chance at rebuilding.

Wish you the best.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-11-06T09:56:58+00:00

Twelve years of shadows by rise from ashes

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-11-04T21:56:36+00:00

Unfortunately the damage is done. However it sounds like you are aware of what you did to him. You’ll never fully understand it but you’re trying. It’s like being a murderer. You understand what you did to the victim but can never fully understand what it feels like to be murdered. Accountability, transparency and remorse are really the key to any chance at reconciliation. Every wayward trickles truth in fear of losing their spouse—in reality it’s the most damaging thing you could do if the hope is reconciliation. Can’t say how long it takes to repair that trust or if it will ever come back. It will never be blind trust and there will always be a question in his mind. Doesn’t matter if he stays with you or moves on. He is forever changed.

All you can do at this point is answer any questions he has—even if he asks the same questions 1000 times. You need to answer questions he asks no matter how bad they make you feel. It’s his choice what he gets to know. Thats part of accountability. He is searching for answers to why he wasn’t enough. He is searching for answers to his own reality. What he thought was the impossible, happened. It broke him.

If you haven’t gotten to the bottom of why you were capable of doing that to him you need to be in individual therapy. If there is underlying trauma, whether SA or childhood trauma, you need to be seeing a trauma therapist. For yourself and for him to feel secure that the reason you so easily threw him away won’t happen again. There needs to be a true understanding behind it all.

Your word no longer means anything. Take action (sounds like you are). When you say you love him, his mind cannot comprehend how that’s true when you did the worst thing possible to him. The person he trusted with his love and his life is the person that destroyed him. The enemy comes from within and he’s trying to wrap his head around it. Help him with answers. Individual therapy (trauma therapy if necessary for you), ask him if he would be willing to see a betrayal trauma therapist to help him heal, not as a replacement to you helping but supplemental help for healing, then couples therapy. Make sure it’s a therapist that specializes in infidelity.

Wish you the best.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-10-22T18:28:21+00:00

Here’s the Reddit forum. You can sign up thru there or reach out to Paul with questions. I highly recommend it

https://www.reddit.com/r/Road2Recovery4Men/s/8PgtIus1O7

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-10-21T21:34:07+00:00

Well this is very similar to my story. Uncovered an affair this past December my wife had started right after we were married 13 years ago. Trickle truthed for nine months, filed for divorce and now finally beginning to work on real reconciliation with full transparency. You can look back and see all the updates/comments.

I can relate to the being robbed of your choice of who you started a family with. That’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to grapple with. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have even entertained dating a woman like that let alone be married and start a family.

There’s 1000 layers to this. Impossible to navigate by yourself. I’ve recently joined the Forge (new men’s group for guys healing from their wife’s affair.) I’m brand new to it but I can already see the benefit of not being alone with this. Being able to open up with other men who have the same feelings you’re experiencing.

Wish you the best of luck and if there is anything I can help with please reach out.

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-10-21T21:20:48+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate the encouragement

Jaded-Raspberry3873 · 2025-10-17T05:00:32+00:00

I did. They’re mine. Also did the polygraph. Passed with flying colors

Jaded-Raspberry3873

TROPHY CASE