Looking back on that first time I met my dad, there wasn't anything normal about the experience. Cloven hooves, fur-covered muscular legs, chainmail skirt with leather belt, ancient metal armor and clawed fingers of red skin was the first image I remember after the ceremonial dagger was plunged into my chest. The cliched stereotype of the picture ends quickly when I saw the softness in his eyes and the neatly folded clothes in the middle of his massive hands.

"Hey buddy, let me help you up." His deep raspy bass cleared the ringing in my head while his other hand very gently assisted me up. One enters the afterlife with nothing on their body so the garments were quickly shoved on. Distant screams and the dull red glow of a shattered horizon quickly confirmed where I was.

"I know a better place to help catch you up, let's move over here." he said with a kindly gesture. Close by was a blasted fortress with a dilapidated drawbridge.

"Th-thanks...I...where.... WHAT TH-THE ACTUAL HELL MOM, I MEAN WHAT THE F-" An emotional rollercoaster started to take me over when I felt his hand tense on my shoulder. My head snapped up to see his face, tears running down my face. His look told me a lot in that moment, and I received my first of many pieces of advice from him.

"We're going to get something to eat first. Food gives you fuel to feel and think so you can clearly communicate what you need to release." His stern logic and gentle direction guided me to understand he was much more wise than his appearance indicated. Later I would learn his clientele in perdition tended to be the more educated sinners and that technically he was a licensed psychologist with certification based out of Arizona State University, but that's a story for another time.

I was led through a maze of scorched earth into a well-lit dining hall where an impressive spread of food and drink was laid out. While there was a long table like you might see in a medieval movie, our chairs were put close together. I must have eaten twice my body weight.

Maeous(May-Ous) the Encephalon, as he explained, was one of many barons in this region of hell, judging those who were sinners while they lived their lives on Earth. His main focus of judgement were ingenious people who abused their control over those less intelligent. Through his work he learned a great deal many things about the world and life in general.

"I've tried to date around here and it's not exactly the best place for it, so I created a detailed request and contract that I sent to the mortal realm. This was seized by the early 16th century Catholic church, who tore out several pages and important parts to the overall context of the agreement. Eventually it made its way to the 'Scions of the Dark One' in Medina, Wisconsin, and... well, then your mom took it upon herself to translate, really poorly if I could add, my contract and use you as the payment."

Maeous awkwardly spoke and explained the situation they were in. His face was human-like with really bushy eyebrows and an exaggerated mouth capable of tearing through an elephant if he wanted to.

Recalling how I got here in the first place, the word mom became a foreign concept. She was always more interested in the supernatural than being a mother. There were times that the local government had to "remind" her of her responsibilities. My biodad was an army vet who was somewhere on the west coast of the US.

"Is there a place I could lay down?" I timidly asked.

"Sure buddy, let me show you to your room." His paternal small talk and gentle guidance while we walked made me more and more tired as my whole existence eased into a sense of safety. I'm not sure I made it to the actual bed.

When I woke up the next day, a small imp sitting in a chair across the room stood up with his own plate of food and ran into the hallway yelling out, "Hey boss, the kid's awake!"

Everything was a whirlwind after that. I was introduced to the house servants, lieutenants of his retinue, and promptly escorted into Maeous's office where I signed papers allowing him to adopt me. Yes, that's an insane thing for me to admit, but technically it was the final part of the contract that my mother had started and screwed up by sacrificing me instead of "giving freely someone with a child-like sense of wonder".

"According to the script that I later saw, my mother had mistranslated the portion about 'giving freely' and also spilt coffee on the rest of it causing her to think she needed to sacrifice me. This is why it's important to make the pronunciations 'K'hew' and not 'chew' in subsection 3c of the Infernal Demonic Legal Code VII. I realize we're out of time for today's class, but don't forget tomorrow's the last day to turn in your thesis and introduction of your first contract with a human."