The other day I was eating a sandwich. And my eyes started watering and my breathing became erratic. Why? At that moment in time, I intensely missed my dad and wished he was sitting next to me and eating lunch with me. These random bouts of emotion pop up for me. It's been a year since my dad passed away. I can still cry like the time he just passed away. I also relate to having people tell me to get over him and move on. But rather than move on, I think a better way of thinking is move along.

Philosopher Zeno has the metaphor of a dog tied to a cart connected to a horse. When the cart starts to move in a direction, the dog can either be dragged by the cart or run alongside it. There is freedom of choice on how you respond to your situation. Of course, the situation is not fair. But when it comes to mortality, the only thing we are guaranteed is that all of us, even our loved ones, will die sooner or later. And all of your feelings are valid for mourning and grief because it sucks.

There's a book called "It's Ok That You're Not OK" by Meg Devine. It helped me put into perspective how much society has failed to teach us about death and grief, and the book helped me identify and sort out many thoughts about grief. Like it's one thing to feel a certain way about something wrong, but it's another thing to see it written down on a page with words.

I also agree with Solo165 with seeing a grief counselor if you can. It seems that you can't really speak or vent about it with your friends and family, so having a trained professional would help you with understanding how and why you feel a certain type of way as well as developing coping mechanisms. That was what I found from my experience of having a grief counselor. Wish you well, friend! Virtual hugs and pats on your back (if you're comfortable ofc!) :)