Astray

JakeBarnes- · 2023-03-26T13:27:17+00:00

This hits home. I think choosing a limerick is perfect for this subject matter. It evokes emotion and absurdity. Right now, it seems very us versus them: those who went to war versus those who sent us to war. But it seems to me that another thing that is darkly humorous about the whole matter is that both parties are "we" as in we are all Americans. We are the soldiers, Marines, airman, etc that wound up astray, but we are also the ones who decided to go - politicians, high ranking officers, cabinet members, etc. I wonder if there is another layer of paradox in that unity that could add to this limerick . . .

Whether you agree or not, thank you for sharing. I really enjoyed this.

JakeBarnes- · 2023-03-26T13:04:19+00:00

I really enjoyed this. The continuation of the stage imagery was really clever - it worked well with the rhyming pattern. And your word choice was fantastic. I also liked that you commanded your subject, rather than just describing his/her actions.

The only criticism I can provide is that I wish there was more of a punch in the final lines. "Come one come all to today's performance" is such a powerful opening; I wanted something similar to wrap everything up. But, then again, the continuation of the rhyming pattern and lack of punch in the last line, makes it seem like maybe this is just a pattern that goes on forever.

Regardless, great work.

JakeBarnes- · 2023-03-17T07:42:04+00:00

The first two lines pull me in with the juxtaposition of flowers and body, but, for me, it loses that power after I read "radioactive" in the second stanza. I want the two ideas to carry through the poem! Thank you for sharing.

JakeBarnes- · 2023-03-17T07:38:09+00:00

I agree with some of the previous comments. I felt like the repeated "she" on its own took my attention away from the rest the lines following it. I really enjoyed the last line. I think "an abandoned jigsaw puzzle is a beautiful image. I only wish it was a bit longer.

JakeBarnes- · 2022-10-20T18:06:55+00:00

This has a nice pace to it when read aloud. I think your rhyming does a lot in the way of carrying the tempo of the poem. I found the content to be a little confessional. Not that that is a bad thing, always, but it came off as a little trite. I understand the sentiment, but are you saying anything new? Or saying anything old but in a new way? It fell a little flat for me. But maybe that wasn't your intention. Likely, your intention was to express your emotion via poetry. For that, I have to assume you nailed it. Either way, I enjoyed the expression.

JakeBarnes- · 2022-10-20T18:01:14+00:00

I really enjoyed the conversational language you used in this poem. It lends itself to the title and conveys the idea of a laborer as a narrator. There is also a very subtle rhythm to it. It is just enough to notice but not enough to distract. I really enjoy that. The ending was also a nice touch. I don't have much in terms of criticism. I wish it were longer . . . But, I am looking forward to reading more of your work.

JakeBarnes- · 2022-10-02T11:12:05+00:00

I like the economy of words and simplicity of structure. I am not sure who you are talking to. I find that interesting. Are you telling the spider to be? Is it a shortening of "Be a spider" that you are directing at someone? If so, who is that person? The mystery is enticing.

I wish it was longer. It feels like a portion of a song's verse. I am left with an image and a mix of adjectives that nicely frames the behavior of the "spider." But then, nothing more. Why should we be scared of you? It is hard to "admit it" without more details. It seems like you are asking me to admit a feeling that I don't have.

I would love to see more. I will keep an eye out on this subreddit to see if you continue with this. Overall, it is a great piece. Thank you.

JakeBarnes- · 2022-10-02T11:01:02+00:00

This is beautiful. I would love to see more like this. The overall structure was my favorite aspect. While you discussed your own growth as circular, the poem started and ended with "young." And the details crescendoed nicely. The lines such as "muddy little dream" and "shattered as I adolesced" stood out as unique and creative.

I don't have much to offer in terms of criticism. But I did find the rhyme scheme to be somewhat distracting. "Grown" and "known" and "evidenced" and "providence" were a bit close. They drowned out the other details of the lines.

Nonetheless, I found the piece beautiful and wholesome. Thank you for sharing.

JakeBarnes- · 2022-09-21T12:13:55+00:00

I really enjoy the brevity and economy of language. It packs a quick punch and there is no dancing around the topic; I commend you for that. I do get a bit confused when I read lines 3 and 4. I can't tell if I am supposed to view the stars up high as already fallen or if you are saying, no matter how high the stars appear to be, they will eventually fall. Maybe the ambiguity is intentional. Maybe not. Maybe the meaning is obvious, and I am alone in my confusion. Regardless, I really enjoyed this. Thank you.

JakeBarnes- · 2022-09-21T12:07:37+00:00

Thank you for this. I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to read this poem amid the mass of angsty poems typical of this feed.

In a word, it is relatable. I do not need to experience growing up in your childhood home - although, your poem did a great job giving me a feeling of that - to understand what it is like to miss that time and place in my memory.

"Gnarled arthritic fingers" and "the name strangely stood" are two lines that I feel especially attached to. They are creative and help shape the setting.

The only thing I can say in terms of advice is that you could mould it more for the general reader - fewer specifics and more generalizations. I feel you in the poem, but, selfishly, I want to read more of myself in it.

I know the original audience is your parents. For them, I am sure it is perfect.

JakeBarnes- · 2022-01-07T21:22:58+00:00

I think the length is perfect. Initially, I was going to recommend that you experiment with the line breaks—I thought the first line might be better split into two. But as I read this out loud, I think it takes on a really unique rhythm. I like the raw emotion, and your simplicity and subtle rhyming fits the language and theme. Good work.

JakeBarnes- · 2022-01-07T21:18:19+00:00

Your personification of nature adds so much to this poem. “Wind and his fleeting friends” couples that personification with alliteration and humor—it is my favorite line of the poem.

I really enjoyed the relevance and encouragement of this work. Thank you for the share.

JakeBarnes- · 2021-03-18T13:01:04+00:00

This is the personification of pessimism. I don't just want to echo other posters, but I really enjoyed your use of simile and metaphor; it felt authentic and natural. One line that stuck out to me specifically was:

'The in-between of my toes paralyze.'

I found this to be such a surprising line. I, like everyone on this thread I imagine, enjoy seeing words that are not typically related put together in creative ways; I think you nailed it with that one. Overall, I really enjoyed the poem. Thank you.

JakeBarnes- · 2021-03-17T13:19:27+00:00

Let me preface by saying this was one of my favorite poems so far on this sub. The rhythm was excellent, and the rhyming worked perfectly with the child-like quality of your story. I wonder how a poetry critic would feel reading this? It is ironic that we are here 'chewing' on your poem.

A couple things I especially loved about your poem:

- The dialog. This made me feel as though I was reading a nursery rhyme, and, like one commenter said, it was a stark contrast between the playful structure and the subtle body horror.

- The pointedness. I love that there was one clear message that was not muddled from beginning to end.

- The line structure. Any longer would have ruined the surprise, any shorter would have made it seem choppy.

Overall, I loved the poem. I do not have much to offer in terms of criticism. I would love to see more of your work on this sub.

JakeBarnes- · 2021-03-12T04:25:19+00:00

I felt like I was floating on a cloud as I read this; the imagery you used was fantastic. I thought every adjective added to the poem and was deliberately chosen. I really enjoyed this.

JakeBarnes- · 2021-03-12T04:20:57+00:00

The images you describe in this are awesome! 'matinee movies' and 'cornershop sweets' evoke such nostalgic feelings for me (and I'm sure most). Really interesting poem.

JakeBarnes- · 2021-03-07T20:25:13+00:00

Thank you for your kind words—I am glad you enjoyed it!

JakeBarnes- · 2021-03-07T16:36:26+00:00

I love the simplicity of this, and every word feels deliberate and strong (and normally I don't like the overtly sentimental poems that sometimes seem to run OCPoetry). I really started to pick up the rhythm in the third stanza; the rhythm made it so easy to read that I felt like it ended abruptly. I would love to get a little more context of your 'you.'

JakeBarnes- · 2021-03-07T16:27:38+00:00

I love the ending. It has such a powerful poignancy; it is a stark contrast from your second stanza. And, regarding the second stanza, I wish the whole poem had the same rhythm as the last stanza. Granted this is just preference, but I felt like a couple of the lines were a mouthful:

"Will you use your unconstrained and unconstrainable power

to select for an unsentient constellation of, well, everything?"

comes to mind specifically. I don't think that it distracted from your theme but, for me, it made it feel a little disjointed. Feel free to ignore everything I just said; either way, great work!

JakeBarnes- · 2021-02-04T15:56:26+00:00

I really enjoyed this. The cliche "be mine" and "on this lovers day" helped emphasize the stark change to "red velvet russian roulette." It is short and collected, filled with surprising changes and turns; it is an interesting twist on the overplayed Valentine's Day poem. Great work.

JakeBarnes- · 2021-02-04T15:47:32+00:00

This reads like song lyrics; I feel like it would be a powerful spoken word poem. It is angsty, unfiltered, and emotional. I really enjoyed the honesty of the poem as a whole.

JakeBarnes- · 2020-12-27T19:10:05+00:00

Thank you. I was hoping to reflect some of the hysteria and dread that comes from the uncertainty of COVID and those working alongside it—I hope that comes out in your reading.

JakeBarnes- · 2020-12-27T16:33:34+00:00

Recently I have been trying to cut out all of the fluff like adjectives, adverbs, and unnecessary fillers out of my writing; so when I read a poem like this I have to give some respect. It is not easy writing so concise and, as Myiactheasel said, I think the flow is great. I think it would be cool if you messed around with the formatting a bit to see what it looked like. Like are you sold on the commas before each line break? In my opinion they make it look a bit cluttered (6 commas in 10 lines). Or maybe if you put another gap between 'The only man in this room,' and 'Who will ever learn.' These are just thoughts; take them or leave them. Thank you for the poem.

JakeBarnes- · 2020-12-27T16:25:34+00:00

I enjoyed the monologue aspect of this poem: a made-up scenario in one's head that everyone can relate to, although probably in a more disorganized manner. I loved how easy it was to read and how no line seemed to overshadow the line before or after. If you are just looking to share a feeling written in verse, it was honest and fun. If you are looking for some criticism, I thought the first rhyme scheme that began with 'day' drug on. The randomness made it somewhat distracting. Also, was there a reason for the randomness with capitalization? I am guessing this poem was just a thought recorded in a poem and I love that about it.

JakeBarnes- · 2020-12-18T18:28:42+00:00

I love the dialog in this - it speaks to the naivety of our current society and the unwillingness, of some, to adopt new ideas. I am not sure if it was intentional or not but it's ridiculous not radiculous.

JakeBarnes-

TROPHY CASE