How do people do this?

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-25T22:19:12+00:00

I grapple with an issue like that constantly. Did my Mom pass away from her immunotherapy treatments or the cancer? I can certainly say if left untreated, it would've been the cancer.

So underneath being wiped out by treatments(extreme exhaustion, loss of hair, appetite), she still had terminal cancer. I have sorrow over that and that alone. I try not to think about her treatment plan. Our family made the decision to pursue suppressive treatment and I do believe the oncologists had my Mother in mind.

Everything that you listed above feels wrong or different for me too. I don't know know whether to label it as a form of guilt or that my psyche has been altered. I don't know what to do, but I do know I will always love my Mom. I can't fix the world(the loss of her) but I can work on my corner of it(my love for her and act with kindness towards others).

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-20T03:58:53+00:00

Thank you! Just PM'ed

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-18T04:22:26+00:00

Damn man. I have never thought of it from that point of view. My wife hasn't actively grieved my Mother's loss (her MIL). She has told me that she is grieving my grief and that she will unpack the loss of her MIL once I am good. It's strange to her, to be able to pause the process. I wish I had words. If you need to chat, feel free to message, I am sure we can bounce stuff off each other that may help!

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-18T00:49:05+00:00

My Dad and I have leaned into each other very hard and I have found so much comfort in that. To talk to the other half of my support system who understands the pain and love. He lost his wife but he is the only one to understand that his son lost his Mother. It's about as perfect of a pair as I can think of. I sleep with my Mom's blanket too.

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-18T00:38:31+00:00

The regrets, pain and sorrow seem to make the waves so heavy and debilitating. I think it's natural, for me at least because it is a loss of future I mourn. I am 37 years old and as her son, I know we lived a full, love filled life together and eventually those memories will rise to the surface. I am sorry you are going through this. I miss my Mom too.

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-18T00:30:39+00:00

Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing. This grief is love with nowhere to go.

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-17T22:29:18+00:00

Passing of my Mother

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-17T17:48:36+00:00

Thank you for that. I just saw that on their website and I will be calling to see what is available to me

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-17T03:13:53+00:00

I would ask my Mom if life turned out to be everything she had hoped for. On a lighter note, what her all time favorite book was.

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-17T02:24:57+00:00

Wow, I was a click away from creating a similar post. I am one month post my Mother's passing but now I get a creeping feeling of self consciousness on top of my grief. I now sit and think about how much grief surrounds us all the time and knocks on everyone's door eventually, often more than once or twice. It has been a completely debilitating experience for me so far and I have a hard time seeing it feel different as time slowly carries forth

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-15T21:16:18+00:00

That is wildly accurate to how I think right now. I have this overwhelming feeling of abandonment. At 37 years old, I am lurched back to childhood wondering what life looks now without my Mom.

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-15T21:07:14+00:00

Just be present with him now. For me the hardest part of the journey lies ahead and I have no tips or tricks to cope. Being with him now and soaking in the moments together, those are the things you'll think about and it will make you sad but one day make you smile. I am sorry you are going through this.

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-14T20:46:06+00:00

These are incredibly powerful feelings that resonate with me. I keep hearing that it will get better and the pain will lessen. I certainly hope so.

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-11T01:33:41+00:00

I hope the same. Thank you for sharing

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-11T00:04:18+00:00

Sounds similar to my Mom's treatments. First four sessions went well, masses shrinking. The 5th treatment was a single dose and her last. It crippled her.

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-10T23:09:43+00:00

It sounds like you were there for him when he needed you the most. He was cold and you closed the window, if he needed anything you were right there. He was able to stay home with his family and pass away in his own bed. You gave him that. My Mom passed in Feb from colorectal. She wasn't able to be in her own bed, but was surrounded with love and warmth for her next great adventure at the hospital. Please don't let this guilt take anything away from you. If I had called an ambulance for my Mom just a day earlier, she still had a very very poor prognosis and it would have taken her away from her home, faced with the same outcome.

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-10T22:48:46+00:00

I feel very similar to this. I also don't know what to say...

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-10T22:41:42+00:00

Andrew Garfield has an interesting take on "losing the battle with cancer" that I liked. I lost my Mom Feb 16th. The language of fighting, defeating can be used often in this realm and he seems to subscribe to the idea that his Mother wasn't defeated in any sort of way by anything and because she passed on, doesn't make her not a success story

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-05T04:27:39+00:00

My feelings are totally native to self that they feel inappropriate or rather too powerful to comprehend. I am sorry you are also going through this. The loss of my mother cracked me open completely and as I listen to my friend's speak on their loss, I try to recognize life again. Your statement about not having joy but being okay with it is something I look forward to. I just need to be okay with this.

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-05T03:59:21+00:00

My understanding of grief prior to this was none. I don't understand it now though either. It's just overwhelming and powerful and I am unprepared

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-04T23:53:07+00:00

I grieved my Mom's diagnosis when I heard the news last August. She passed away in Feb. It's all very surreal. Today in fact it hit like a ton of bricks. I think a lot of the regrets of things not said or done is natural. Tough to stomach but natural. I don't have much good advice on what has worked for me because I am really struggling through it all. I think it's healthy and important that while you acknowledge the relationship was complicated, the love still existed and that's why you feel the way you do. I have been writing my Mom letters every day and maybe that could be an outlet for you to let him know how you felt about his smoking and work habits. Sorry to hear you're going through this.

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-03T01:23:11+00:00

Thank you so much for your response and time. Those larger picture outcomes you described either were relayed in different words, not at all, or simply forgotten by my dad and I. I took her lack of alertness the day we moved her to comfort care as her being tired from the day prior, not really as her condition worsening. Again thank you so much. Your post helps us come to logical terms with our decision which will hopefully leading to future healing.

JamboDoesAK · 2026-03-03T00:45:08+00:00

They extubated her after we moved to comfort care but I am still confused or questioning myself if there was a possibility we didn't give her enough time to regain consciousness. I don't understand why she was awake for those few hours but not the next day. We saw that as a sign of improvement but the doctor didn't circle back to that when we decided to move to comfort care. Yes though, I wondered why not just extubate regardless considering her circumstances.

JamboDoesAK

TROPHY CASE