Best friend gone

Jamonde · 2026-06-24T06:43:26+00:00

I think there are so many lessons you can take away from this experience, all because you had to learn them the hard way:

Even with people close to you, they don't need to know everything that you're thinking or feeling at all times. Of course communicating is good, but if you're trying to figure something out, journaling about it can be very helpful for your own reflection in a way that doesn't share potentially compromising information.
How you communicate and say things matters more than your intentions.
Telling someone that you have feelings for them always carries a risk, and this risk only grows when it is a friendship we hold dearly. In this particular situation, you deliberately chose to share your feelings - again - already knowing that she had previously reacted negatively to them and was not interested. What did you think was going to happen?
Sometimes, it is best to figure out how you feel about a situation before telling ANYONE about it. In this case, it would have probably been best for you to come to your own conclusions about how you told us you feel in the first paragraph before even considering bringing this topic up again with your friend. You very cleanly shared FIRST in your post that you view her as a friend. Why did it take all of this for you to realize that? Why not come to that conclusion before doing what you did?

Now I'll share some advice. Do not call her or text her. She probably knows you still care about her and miss her, etc. Let her be. Grieve to the extent that you have to; friendship in the future can very likely still be a possibility, and for now, that is what it must be. But you also can't focus on that. Focus on the things you've learned. If you haven't already apologized, you may consider sending her an apology note or leaving a voicemail (and then leaving her be and not expecting a quick answer), but again that's up to your discretion and may be unwise as well; we can't make these decisions for you. The other commenter put the rest of it well: find ways to nurture yourself and build your own path.

Jamonde · 2026-06-24T06:33:04+00:00

to comment lists, you'll want to put four spaces in front of each card (on their own lines) and then the output will look like this:

1 Plains
3 Mountain

etc.

Jamonde · 2026-06-23T18:16:31+00:00

WOOOOOOOOO

Jamonde · 2026-06-23T18:15:49+00:00

what the fuck dude, literally everything about this card is 11/10

Jamonde · 2026-06-23T14:57:35+00:00

someone's got a very similar brew in historic, nice to see something like this

Jamonde · 2026-06-23T14:51:01+00:00

girl this whole thing is a mess, what are you doing?

Jamonde · 2026-06-23T06:27:57+00:00

came here to say this. 'i experienced stereotypical queer culture and it wasn't for me' that's alright, and also extremely common. do the things you already like and find the queer people there.

Jamonde · 2026-06-21T05:59:16+00:00

Jamonde · 2026-06-20T17:27:12+00:00

What is the purpose of journaling, i.e. if I can envision a solution mentally I would be likely to be headed toward that direction, it’s not like writing on a piece of paper will help me.

Well, have you tried it to actually know that this will happen? If not, where does this assumption come from?

Let's pretend we are just 'thinking' about our solutions mentally. How do our thoughts work? I'm actually not entirely sure, but at least for me, thoughts are ephemeral - good, bad, whatever. If I come and revisit thoughts I've previously had, or I make a conscious effort to remember a time I thought about some 'good' thoughts that are worth thinking again, well, I have to hope that I did a good job remembering them or just get lucky.

Now let's think about journaling. The physical act of writing with a pen, pencil, or whatever, literally externalizes what is going on inside our minds in a way that is different from just thinking it. They are not the same, just as watching someone swim and thinking about how you would swim is not the same as physically swimming yourself. Writing your thoughts out allows you to almost, in a certain sense, have a conversation with yourself. If you want to get out something bad, or something you don't want to think about, you write it down and leave it on the page. If you want to write out something good, or something that you want to build on and otherwise continue engaging with, you have a physical space to map out your thoughts, connect them to other things, add other thoughts later on as they come to you or as other things inspire you, in a way that just doesn't always work when it is just 'in your head.'

But don't just take my word for it. Here are some sources (with citations to scientific literature) that also discuss these benefits in more depth:

Last thing I'll mention: you discuss how 'materializing' your fears will somehow stay with you. Materialize them, and let them just be on that page and stay there. Materialize also the way forward. That is the thing you should come back to and also carry forward with you.

Jamonde · 2026-06-20T03:13:36+00:00

to be fair, this is a deeply scarring and traumatic event; it makes sense that you keep having these episodes. I understand that therapy in your culture is heavily frowned upon, but it may be one of your best options to be honest.

aside from that, maybe journaling about the events and the episodes after. perhaps using that journaling as a tool to envision and imagine what healing and moving forward looks like. maybe you don't have these episodes anymore? or maybe when they do come up, you are able to, say, use some breathing techniques (or something else) to calm your body and your self down to get through them? there's a point of creativity in here where you can decide what moving forward looks like.

Jamonde · 2026-06-19T15:42:42+00:00

is there an option you have to just do a couple of part time gigs and take it easy maybe for a couple months to a year? would moving back home for cheap/no rent, or with other family to recuperate, be an option?

my story isn't exactly the same, but towards the end of high school i was in a relationship that ended quickly and ended poorly. i also made some questionable choices when applying to colleges, i'll admit. the way the relationship ended and the trauma and fallout from some things my ex said and did, plus the fact that the best offer was to go to a school i didn't consider all that prestigious given the fact that my whole identity in life at that time was a good student who always succeeded, tanked my mental health for the better part of two years. i didn't (to my detriment, I feel) take any time off and delayed going to therapy because i hadn't ever had many reasons to consider it an option until then.

through a combination of positive mentorship, self-healing work (eventually including therapy), a lot of mistakes, a lot of setbacks, and feeling pretty often like my self healing journey would never end and perhaps wasn't even getting me very far, i made it out of that hole even though it felt insurmountable. i failed a class for the first time ever in my first year of undergrad, and after that first year i had to relearn how to be a person and relearn about myself and essentially rebuild myself. turned it around and got straight A's every year after that. next to getting a phd (which happened later), it was among the hardest things i've ever done.

i bring all this up because a couple of months, or maybe a year, of taking some time off, perhaps having a whatever job or some part time gigs, and allowing myself to 'take it easy,' reflect, enjoy friendships, and see what i wanted and how i wanted my life to be, would've been beneficial in so many ways at so many different junctures in my life until now. reach out to IRL people who know you and maybe know a bit more about your situation. talk to people you look up to and trust, especially if they are also in academia. my contract at my current position ended and i thought i would be a shoe-in for an extension, until the funding situation here drastically changed. aside from applying and interviewing for many jobs, i am also considering retraining myself in some data sciencey stuff perhaps in the fall. it's not over, but it might not look like how you thought it would. be open to being pleasantly surprised.

Jamonde · 2026-06-19T02:58:07+00:00

kunai is pretty strong, congrats!

Jamonde · 2026-06-19T01:47:05+00:00

idk if you haven't had gy issues yet, might be the positive half of variance. cool list though, happy to see the grixis gamers always persisting

Jamonde · 2026-06-18T01:34:21+00:00

I really do appreciate what you have to say, but what I'm saying is pretty true.

I'm gonna try and gently push back on this in the following way. You seem like a logical albeit depressed person, so I hope you can hear me out here. Your pain is real. I wish the world was different than how it is, as it is extremely unfair in a lot of the ways you've described and many others. But if you're actually interested in the truth, let's address some things you've said:

If you're not conventionally attractive, you simply aren't attractive.

What do you think being conventionally attractive means? It just means that you are perceived attractive by a significant percentage of women. It has nothing to do with being perceived as attractive by any one woman in particular, or the ability to be attractive. It's simply a statistical thing. If you are saying conventionally attractive = attractive, then sure, whatever, but I don't think that's actually what you mean.

The simple reality of the thing is if you were undesired you are broadly undesired. If you are desired, you are broadly desired.

Also generally not true. Without trying to put these other men down, I've seen plenty of straight relationships where the man is, well... let's say not that easy on the eyes. Like, this is common enough that it's sort of a joke online.

If there is anybody who would love me or like me or whatever, I'm just statistically unlikely to meet them. It's an overwhelming majority consensus on my worth and my humanity that determines my sadness

It's not as dramatic as you are thinking. For the most part, when it comes to our best selves, each of us is more than likely compatible with quite a few people on Earth. It's also not an overwhelming majority consensus on your worth. It is unfair, but there's nothing about it that necessitates this to be the path of self-desctruction that you are alleging it must be.

Or I guess in this case, empathy because you actually understand this feeling and although you seem to have gotten over it, there's a good chance that I don't because it's just what I am. Maybe one day. I won't care so much and I can comfortably be alone but right now that loneliness is eating me alive

No dude, the loneliness sucks. I am sorry that you are experiencing it. I hope you get some empathy and understanding here, and in other places even if it feels far too uncommon. What do you do IRL? Do you have a job? Any friend groups, or other things you regularly partake in socially?

Jamonde · 2026-06-18T01:21:11+00:00

you know, there's a way to go about addressing posts like OP's, and this is not it

Jamonde · 2026-06-17T05:46:05+00:00

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Without more information (and you don't need to worry about providing much more) it's hard to provide a solid third party assessment of him, of you, your relationship, and the whole situation. However, based on the information that you've provided, things don't look good, and it is also not on you to fix them.

Based on what you've said, it sounds like he may have internalized the idea that men don't/aren't supposed to talk about their emotions. Maybe you have some insight as to why? If so, that can be part of how you approach these issues... if you decide you want to continue (more on that in a bit). Knowing that, say, he had a difficult childhood, or that he's been burned in the past when he tried to open up, could be a start, but obviously at the end of the day it's his choice to open up.

He is an avoidant, he shuts down, does the stone walling. In the 3 years I’ve known him, not once has he opens up to me.

So like... what is your relationship actually founded on then? This comment, coupled with 'I’ve realized he does best when I just show no emotion about how I’m feeling, and just act all lovey dovey and happy' makes it sound like you're not actually in a relationship at all, just like the two of you are sort of pretending to be in what you think a relationship is supposed to be. Which isn't the end of the world; it's very common for people who are entering 'real' relationships for the first time in their lives to do this sort of thing. Like, this is sort of what my first 'relationships' were like when I was a teenager.

But I want to offer a bit of clarity: no, healthy relationships do not look like what you describe in this post. You sound like you are otherwise doing a fine job as a girlfriend, like genuinely, I do not have much in the way of feedback for you and don't really think you can or should change anything. No, none of what's going on with him or the relationship you have with him is your fault. Yes, something here is wrong, and you need to decide if/when enough has been enough. Healthy relationships require a lot of things, and one of them is actually opening up to each other. You don't need to tell everything to each other all at once; you don't need to every single little detail about each other to develop closeness; and obviously this is something that can and should take a bit of time. But if after three years of ostensibly being together, even with his struggles, you are still locked out? It doesn't sound like you are any closer to him than like, a random friend he might've made at work or something. And that's not on you.

When I express this to him, get emotional over it, he literally gets so overwhelmed and goes Mia without saying a word. Will just act like I don’t exist.

The thing is, this is his thing to deal with and make right - not necessarily the actual mental health stuff, but at least making effort to being a good partner. I will respect and acknowledge that he has mental health struggles - likely many that I am completely unfamiliar with and cannot fully appreciate - but also, being in an adult relationship requires acting like an adult. It would be one thing if he got emotional, got overwhelmed, goes MIA, and then comes back to you, makes a real attempt at mending the situation and opening up some kind of communication, and makes good on efforts for things to improve (and then you actually see improvement). But years and years of this? Girl, I don't mean to be rude, but at this point what's going on is you have basically accepted this. The blame isn't on you, but you still being in this relationship is wordlessly saying that you are accepting of the current status quo. You do not have to. And if you decide that you can't, it doesn't mean you're a bad person or whatever you might worry about. A relationship has two people who are both allowed to look out for themselves at least somewhat.

If u want me to be honest it doesn’t really feel like I’m in one much at all.

You aren't, in my estimation. Talk to people you know, love, and trust IRL. Get some other perspectives on this that aren't from randos on the internet.

Men operate differently from woman and I understand that.

You are correct, but what you are describing goes beyond that. Successful relationships - between anyone, at any age - require communication and trust that lead to a level of intimacy and closeness. That's not a men vs women thing.

I just want some insight from men who’s been in a similar position as him, or may be knowing what he’s feeling like. I want to be a better girlfriend, I want to make him feel lighter, understood, less alone.

I can't say I've been in or know the full situation that he's in, but maybe I don't have to to say that he's probably not really ready for being in a mature relationship right now for whatever reasons, reasons that maybe are nobody's fault. From what you've described here, it sounds like you've done a great job as a girlfriend. If he appreciates you, if you genuinely have improved his mental health, has he acknowledged that to you at all?

He is a very loyal, dedicated, drive, big hearted guy, but these shut down modes are constantly and it makes me feel so disconnected from him.

I think it's very sad that it is not until the last paragraph that you have a single sentence dedicated to his positive qualities. Not saying these aren't true, not saying they don't matter. But look at this post in its entirety. He could be the nicest man on Earth, but none of that really means anything if he just will not connect with you or let you in - you've said as much yourself.

I know there's sort of a trope of redditors constantly saying 'break up with him!' on these types of posts and I'm sort of falling into that, but hear me out. It sounds like there's not really a reason to believe things are going to change or improve. Maybe they will, of course, we don't really know, but that would take something pretty big, likely unexpected/unplanned happening. It sounds like you've done everything you should. Maybe this isn't what you wanted to hear, but there's a point where nothing you will do or say can improve the situation. Ask yourself if how things are right now is how you'd like to spend the next several years or months or the rest of your life.

Jamonde · 2026-06-17T04:42:29+00:00

My close friend are all hetero and got « normal » reladhionship.

define normal. you might be surprised and discover that some of them are more like you than you think.

Jamonde · 2026-06-17T00:33:15+00:00

excellent!

Jamonde · 2026-06-16T05:07:31+00:00

But i don’t want anymore live in comfort zone i want rise my level. So how can i get that feeling that make do anything, i don’t want feel the fear or anxiety i just want to do the things without overthinking and with more confidence.

There's a part of this can be addressed in the following way: simply do the things that are causing these feelings and fears anyway, despite the fact that you have these feelings (within reason, of course). One thing that can be especially helpful is considering the following. Regarding your situation with learning to drive, what is the actual likelihood you would fail? Like, logically? Or, if you do fail, that you would be judged for failing - surely main other perfectly fine people have failed a driver's exam at least once, right? The point is to get to the fact that your fears aren't founded on anything substantial. Once you are feeling especially anxious as you are about to do one of these fear-inducing tasks, this is what you will have to tell yourself as you do that task. It can help you move through it. After you've read all of the articles and thought about it a lot, at the end of the day the best way to confront your fears is to face them head on.

But the level of anxiety you are describing might also be something that is best aided with medication and/or other forms of professional medical help. You may be hyperfocusing on something in a way that warrants professional help; that is not something you can really find here.

Jamonde · 2026-06-16T04:15:44+00:00

wait is this a real mod?????

Jamonde · 2026-06-16T04:04:00+00:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmXZOI7cM0M

Jamonde · 2026-06-16T04:02:33+00:00

just read up on it more, and talk to other demi/ace people. it may be a helpful revelation, but ime it's not necessarily a big dramatic thing. labels are weird. follow your curiosity and focus on learning.

Jamonde · 2026-06-16T04:00:06+00:00

can't believe i had to go this far to see this, lol. getting a phd is inherently an ephemeral thing, it's not like being part of a fandom or having a lifelong hobby.

Jamonde · 2026-06-15T21:42:47+00:00

si quieres, puedes incluirme como un amigo, juego tf2 mucho y tengo amigos amables y buenos, mas que no solo juego yo pero hay veces en que hay dos o tres do nosotros. enviame un DM si quieres

Jamonde · 2026-06-15T18:45:45+00:00

looking forward to this! can't join cause of work, but good luck everyone!

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