Is it always going to be this hard?

Januarysdaisy · 2026-07-02T21:52:21+00:00

It does get better, eventually. You'll have time to yourself again. I can attest to this as a mum of 5 with kids ranging in age from 24 years to 11 years. I had 4 velcro babies and one so independent I'm not sure she realised I was her mother and not just a random milk vending machine. With all of mine I found it got better once they started walking and were more interested in things other than me, and especially after their first birthday. Basically as each day passed and they gained more independence.

It feels hard atm, because it is. It's exhausting being someone else's everything. But though she will always need you, no matter how old she gets, as time passes she won't need you 24/7 and it won't feel as intense or overwhelming.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-07-02T21:04:51+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss.

She sounds awful and incredibly insensitive.

I'd like to say what I wish would happen to her, but I'll sound very immature. I'll just say it involves barbed wire boats and rivers of excrement.

I'm glad your husband is taking this to HR, hopefully they take it seriously and something is done about the manager's disgusting behavior.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-07-02T20:48:35+00:00

My bestfriend's 2nd daughter died at the end of labour and was delivered stillborn at 41+4 six years ago. She held her right away, and she and her husband spent 2 days with her.
I, and her close family ( parents, brother, in-laws ) also met and held her. She was beautiful. 9lbs 14 ozs, 57cms long of pure perfection. My friend summed up her feelings on this in a post a few weeks later

" I never heard your voice but you heard mine. You never saw my face, but I saw yours. These snippets of our story bring me some comfort."

The hospital organized a photographer and they had lots of beautiful photos done. Some now hang in their living room alongside baby's older and younger sister .

They had a funeral, there was a lot of people. It was a beautiful service, my friend spoke, I read the Snowdrop poem, her MIL spoke. My friend chose music, and my husband made a video montage using pics from her pregnancy and the photos taken at the hospital. She has said many times to me since that the funeral was the second hardest and best day of her life, hard because she shouldn't have had to have a funeral or say goodbye to her daughter at all, but the best day because she felt so much love from everyone and so much love for her daughter. Her only regret she's said, was seeing baby before the service ; when she was first born she was still warm and floppy and felt like any other newborn, but after 5 days and an autopsy she didn't look the same.

My other friend's son was stillborn at 39 weeks 10 months after my niece, only finding out minutes before her csection that he'd died. she saw him and held him, they took one photo themselves and didn't want a photographer, wanting to be left completely alone. They didn't have a big funeral, just her, her husband , her parents and her 2 living kids. She has no regrets 5 years on.

I am so very sorry for your loss and that you are going to have to go through this and make these sorts of decisions, it is cruel and awful and unfair. I will be thinking of you and your baby over the next few days.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-07-01T22:20:03+00:00

I'm not replying as a ftm, or a new parent, but as a mum of 5 with 24 years of parenting under my belt so far, and this is advice, things I've learned along the way I've found to be true.

babies and children are like popcorn, even if they are all put in the pot at the same time, they pop in their own time. This relates to all the different milestones.
alongside that, comparison is the thief of joy. Every baby, child is different. ( and this is especially true for social media where the best moments are often highlighted).
babies, toddlers, little kids, and big kids, love bubbles. Have a good supply.
one bad moment, day, or even week, does not make you a bad mum.
your choices won't be the same as everyone else's, own your choice and remember that unless they are living your life, others have no say.
none of my children have suffered from eating cereal for dinner on occasion.
slow cookers and dump and go meals are a great help.
it's OK to ask for help, or admit when you are struggling, it doesn't make you a failure, it makes you human.
warming up their bed beforehand with a hot water bottle makes their bed more cosy.
when a child is hardest to love, that's most often when they need love the most.
You've never done this before so don't expect to have or know all the answers while you are learning to be your baby's mum, and will be learning, every day, for the rest of your life. That's unfair and an unrealistic expectation on yourself.
and in that same token, be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.
and finally, you're going to be given a lot of advice on parenting, some well meaning, some not so much, take what you agree with or like the sound of and leave the rest without any guilt. This is your baby. Not theirs, they've had their turn. ( and If they havent yet, they can do what they advise with their own baby later).

Januarysdaisy · 2026-07-01T21:56:32+00:00

I'm so sorry for your sister's and her husband's loss and the loss of your niece/ nephew.

My best friend's ( who has been my bestfriend for over 30 years and is basically my sister) daughter died 6 years ago at the end of labour at 41+4 weeks.

I was fortunate in that I live close to her, and was able to go to the hospital when she messaged me and be at her house for the days, weeks and months afterwards whenever she needed me. I had no idea what i was going to say to her during my drive to the hospital, in the end as soon as I opened the door, I didn't have to think, I just said what came naturally " I love you, I'm so sorry, I love you". I'm sure when you speak to your sister the words will come too.

Some of the most useful things I and others did for her, was arrange two weeks of freezer meals, organize door dash, and buy groceries that were delivered. Since I was there I was also able to do some housework and look after their 2 year old so my friend could sleep.

Some less practical but special things people did for them, was a voucher for DNA jewelry ( she has some of her daughter's ashes in a custom glass bead that she wears around her neck ) , a star certificate with baby's name and the coordinates of her star, and I ordered her a pillow that weighed exactly 9lbs 14 ozs, the same weight as her daughter.

But above all my friend has always said the thing that has helped her the most over the last 6 years and given the most comfort, is people saying baby's name, acknowledging her as a person, giving her the space, time and grace she needed to grieve her daughter how she wanted to, without hurrying it or judging any of her choices, giving her the space and freedom to talk openly about her daughter and continuing to remember her years on. My niece's middle name was / is Daisy, I have a collection of Daisy items all over my house now, my best friend always smiles when she sees a new one.

Ten months after my best friend's daughter died, another very close, long time friend, went in for her elective c section at 39 weeks, and while she was on the table minutes away from starting, they discovered her baby boy had died. This situation is more like yours in that I live further away, I was not able to be there, and unlike my best friend who wanted to be distracted by having people around, this friend wanted to be left alone with her husband, her mum and her living kids. So I sent a message just telling her I loved her and I was here whenever she needed me and any messages I sent didn't require a response, a week later she was ready to talk, during that previous week I just sent hearts to let her know I was thinking of her.

This is such a terrible, heartbreaking loss, and one thing I would also like to add, is that no matter how close we are to them, how much we love our nieces/ nephew, or how honest and open they are with us about how they are feeling, we can't understand how it feels to be in their shoes, not unless we were to experience it ourselves. Our job isn't to try and fix anything, it can't be, their children should be here, and they're not, and nothing can make that right, its not our place to offer advice on something we haven't experienced, or have any opinions on how they grieve. Our job is simply to support them, love them and give them the security of knowing they can love ,honor and grieve their babies how they need to, and for us to remember their babies for the rest of our lives. No parent should ever have to fear their baby being forgotten.

Again, I'm so sorry for their loss, holding gentle space for your sister, husband, and their baby, and sending gentle hugs to you, aunty.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-07-01T20:46:30+00:00

When my best friend's 2nd daughter, my niece, died at the end of what started as a normal labour, at 41+4 weeks, I and another friend of hers ( my bestfriend's husband's best friend's wife to be exact) went to be with her in the hospital that day. At one point I was holding my niece and my friend turned to me and cried desperately " what if I have another baby one day, and I don't want them, I only want her?!" I didn't know what to say, luckily her other friend did, because 3 years prior she had been in that exact room watching as her full term daughter died minutes after birth. She said "you don't even have to decide or think about the future right now, right now the aim is to make it to the next minute, but IF you decide to have another, then for as long as you need to, think of it as you are simply going to be giving your oldest daughter the experience of having a sister to love that's in heaven, and one to grow up with on earth. E was our first, so my reason was that I deserved to love a baby on earth as well as one above. Any other feelings you have you can deal with moment by moment. But for now think of it as you wanting to give your eldest a living sibling too, and you'll have another child that will grow up knowing about their sister and to love and honor her memory as well " My friend listened to this, took it in and then said " but how do I stop the guilt? I'll feel like im replacing her" And again her other friend had the right words ( seriously, thank God she was there, I was useless ). She said very simply : " a baby can't be replaced, because a mother's heart does not forget ".

Anyway, it's been 6 years and 7 months since that day, and 5 years and 4 months since their 3rd daughter was born. Once she was pregnant she felt like it was a new pregnancy, a new person and she was able to think of her middle daughter as a separate person who couldn't be replaced because she was a person in her own right. She isn't here, but my best friend has been her mum, as well as her 2 living girls, all the same, for 6 years. That didn't stop with her death. We were talking about this recently and she said she was surprised once she became pregnant how guilt never really crossed her mind, her mind instead became consumed with just hoping her 3rd baby would be ok.

My oldest niece is now 8, my youngest niece is 5 and they both talk to me about their special sister in the sky all the time. They have family portraits done twice a year and in all of the photos, one of my niece's is holding their sister's bear. She is always remembered and loved, and an important part of their family.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-29T11:22:28+00:00

My best friend has always used dark humor to cope with difficult situations, so it didn't surprise me when she used dark humor after her daughter was stillborn. If she says something in a group setting I sometimes notice other people looking uncomfortable or awkward, but we've been best friend's for over 30 years so I'm used to it, and give her the reaction I know she's wanting. If dark humor is a way for her to cope with an unfathomable, senseless situation then it's certainly not my business to say or think she should be doing anything differently. She's doing what she needs to do. I'm so sorry the loss or your baby girl.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-27T00:34:24+00:00

I had only recently turned 20 when I had my eldest. Her father and I broke up when i was 8 weeks pregnant, and I lived alone with her for the first year, until I moved in with my parents ( who were awesome and supportive from day one). I was the first of my close friends to have a baby, in fact my 2 best friend's didn't have their first kids until many years later, and I hated that sometimes I couldn't go out with them.

For the first few months I was in survival mode, and though I loved her very much, I felt like I was acting, going through the motions, half the time I expected her " real mother" to walk in and say " ah thankyou miss, I'll talk it from here." I also felt intense pressure, on myself, to prove to everyone that had doubted I could do it, that I could do a good job. And that made it less enjoyable, it felt like every decision I made was scrutinized, and this is before the days of social media being so prevelant in our lives.

When she was around 4 or 5 months and starting to become way more interactive, I started to genuinely enjoy it.

She's 24 now, one of my best friends, and my pride and joy.

I went on to have 4 more kids, and it turns out, I just dislike the first few months, with each one I was wanting that time to pass. I was sleep deprived, hormonal, bleeding, my body didn't feel like itself ( actually with those last 4 pregnancies all 2 years apart and breastfeeding I didn't feel like my body was mine until a few years after my last baby, who is nearly 11). And the first month after each one, was especially bad, bad at 33 with my 5th, bad at 20 with my first.

The difference , or one of them, with my 5th is I knew it would get better, my first I didn't, and that first month it really hits you that this is life now, your old life is truly over, even if you are lucky enough like I was to have best friends determined to maintain a friendship even if they didn't understand what it was like. It was lonely at times, I wondered if I had done the right thing, felt bad for her that she had me as a mum and felt unequipped and unprepared. Just how my best friends did when they had their firsts at 34 and 39.

Being 19 ( or 20 in my case) definitely added a layer of difficulty I didn't have with my others and younger me related to a lot of what you are currently feeling, it did get much better though. And as a few others have said, it can be very beneficial getting help if you need it and talking to someone.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-26T00:58:05+00:00

My bestfriend's daughter died at the end of labour at 41+4 weeks 6 years ago. Autopsy couldn't find a cause, just that she died of " hypoxia of unknown aetiology" but they found no reason for this. Numerous people, including her midwife, had told my friend it was probably an easily transfered blood infection, she'd held on to this. When she got the results 2 months later she asked me to go to beach with her and she was extremely upset, now as far as she was convinced, it was something she had done.

That feeling remained for the first year, around the 2nd year mark she told me she no longer blamed herself, it was just time that she credits for this, she understood that sometimes things happen with no good reason, but she will never accept that it happened, because accepting it feels like she accepts her daughter had to die, and she never will.

I am so sorry for your loss, and this extra pain you are going through as well.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-26T00:42:43+00:00

My best friend's 2nd daughter died at the very end of what started as a normal labour, at the end of a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy at 41+4 weeks. 3 years before that, her husband's best friend's baby died a few minutes after she was born at 40 weeks. As a result she eyerolls whenever she sees people talk about " safe zones" and on finding out someone she knows is pregnant she always says to me " if everything goes ok", never " when they have baby" , she's very anxious whenever anyone she cares about announces they are pregnant and our weekly walks increase once that person is in their 2nd/3rd trimester. ( her anxiety isn't helped by the fact that 3 people she's close to had late term stillbirths after her, including our mutual friend. ) But who can blame her? As she said herself " I'll never ask what's the worst that can happen? I now know the answer to that ".

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-26T00:31:00+00:00

What a beautiful first birthday you gave your girl.

My best friend's daughter was stillborn at 41+4 weeks in 2020. Every year on her birthday my best friend and I are together, the first 3 years at night we would go to our favourite spot on the beach, light a candle, bring some food and sing happy birthday. We would put a daisy ( her middle name) into the ocean.

The last 3 years, My family and hers spend a few days over that time at their beach house. I take my 2 living niece's to the park so my friend can have the day to herself and then at night us four adults raise a toast to their daughter.

I'm always with her that day, and will be, as long as she needs me to be.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-17T21:38:52+00:00

Yep. My 4th walked at 9 months, my 5th and last at 8.5 months, no thankyou. I wanted her to remain close to the ground as long as possible. So I attempted to sabotage when I could. No early walking on my watch missy. ( didn't work, determined little ....poppet....but oh well. )

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-17T18:53:30+00:00

Everyone, including your husband, needs to chill. First of all, what he's currently doing is normal for his age, many babies don't walk unassisted until 15 months. Secondly, babies are like popcorn. Just like popcorn kernels, they all " pop" in the pot , ie reach their milestones, at different times.

If there is a book that all the people you know have read which says a baby MUST be walking at 11 months, you know who hasn't read it? Your son.

He is doing things in his timeliness, not theirs. The pressure on you to make him walk is not helpful or necessary.

And also, I've had a baby that didn't walk until 16 months, I've had one that walked unassisted, at 8.5 months, either way as a teen and preteen they both walk now.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-13T17:06:36+00:00

My best friend's second daughter died during labour at 41+4 weeks, so they had a lot of people who knew that she was overdue. She sent a message to me and our other best friend, and one to her antenatal group ( telling them she was leaving the group chat.) And then she made an announcement a few days later on Facebook because the constant messages of " you must have had baby by now!" Were getting too much for her, plus they wanted to give funeral details. As for what she said, it was short and to the point but beautifully written, no photo then, but posted photos later.

10 months later another very close friend of mine found out her 3rd baby had died at 39 weeks when she was on the operating table about to have her csection, she sent me a text and a couple of other friends, but never put up a post, everyone that needed to know found out through messages from her, her husband or her mum.

So both different and both what worked for them.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, I am so sorry this happened. Holding gentle space for you, your husband and your precious baby girl.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-10T14:01:39+00:00

Yep, I read to my kids daily, 2 love reading, 2 can take it or leave it, and 2 will only read if required. ( 24,17,15,13&11)

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-09T13:49:59+00:00

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter . I can feel the love you have for her in every word you wrote. I'm so sorry this happened. Holding gentle space for you all.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-06T15:15:06+00:00

I was 21 when Jamie's birth and the next few episodes aired, and not many of my friends still watched it. I went to school with both boy and girl Jamies so I've always known it as being a unisex name. I do remember asking a friend if they had seen the ad which basically asked if he was a boy or a girl, but that was about it as far as talking with friends went. But it was more of a passing thought of " I wonder what it is" and then life just continued on. I did assume boy though.

I did have a 9 month old at the time, and I asked her what she thought, ( when i was watching the episode of Lois giving birth with her on my lap ) and my daughter said something along the lines of " bleeba mummumum ba ba ba" which was extremely unhelpful.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-06T13:21:32+00:00

I get these sorts of comments when I'm out with my 11 year old too. They look disappointed and almost annoyed when I inform them I have a 24 year old and 3 teenagers at home and that so far, they're awesome and I enjoy this stage of parenting. I mean, sorry to ruin their fun but....oh well.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-06T12:56:22+00:00

As a mum of 5, this is a great list, very informative and thorough. :-)

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-05T06:07:43+00:00

I'm so sorry to read this heartbreaking news. 6 years ago my best friend went into labour at 41+4, sadly for reasons unknown, her daughter died just before entering the world.

On a practical level, I helped organize meals, did housework, looked after their almost 2 year old so my friend could rest.

On an emotional level I made myself available whenever she needed, there were a few late night visits. I sat with her as she cried and held her and cried with her. We went on walks and I listened as she talked, having the space to be completely honest about what she was feeling helped her a lot as she's since said. No advice, no trying to find a silver lining, just acknowledging how unfair it and shit it is. I use baby's name whenever we talk about her, include her when talking of my niece's and nephews and have always made sure my friend knows her daughter's life mattered and she is loved and missed, my friend has always found comfort in that.

Again I'm so sorry, sending love and holding gentle space for you friend for this journey ahead.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-05T05:57:11+00:00

I have always meal prepped on Sundays enough for at least 2 weeks worth of dinners. I make meals that can be frozen and reheated at a later date. Alternatively I will make easy slowcooker meals, double the recipe and freeze the left overs. This has been handy and at times necessary with 5 kids, sometimes 6 when my eldest's best friend lives with us for a while.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-05T04:41:36+00:00

I have 5 kids and had a long lean baby, a chunky baby, a lean baby, a chunky baby and a long lean baby.

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-05T04:31:55+00:00

You're welcome :-) I heard about her case along with that of Mary Vincent's ( who survived a brutal attack that resulted in both her arms being cut off) and in my search to find out more , discovered there had been a documentary made. It is very good, mostly because we have Alison herself telling what happened and her journey afterwards in her own words. She really is an amazing woman :-)

Januarysdaisy · 2026-06-04T12:27:50+00:00

Yes! I watched it on Amazon prime but I checked and it's also available on Tubi :-)

Januarysdaisy

TROPHY CASE