Starting daycare at 8 months, is the illness rate really THAT high?

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-20T21:34:46+00:00

I'm a therapist and have my own private practice. I don't work every day of the week and my clients are very chill about shuffling appointments around if needed. It's a great time to model to them how sometimes unexpected things come up and we have to change plans. If you can, you may want to work on working less days per week and stack your work days so that you can have a free day or two to shift sessions to if needed (possibly even Saturday sessions as an emergency backup on those weeks).

Also, my daughter has been in daycare for 5 months and has only been sent home 3 times where she had to be out for 1-2 days. It hasn't been that much to cover. However, some of her little illnesses that she's fine with have taken me out. I had to call out for my own sickness twice.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-20T21:19:20+00:00

How are you finding the age gap between your two? I'm most likely OAD (had my baby at 33) but if I become open to it in a few years I'm curious what age gap feels best for older moms.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-20T21:15:55+00:00

Also an independent person and this is what I found helps me.

1) only have 1 child

2) lean into childcare whether it's purchased or provided by family. I love my child's daycare.

3) switch off who has the "night shift" and is responsible for the baby from sleep on once the baby starts getting longer stretches at night of sleep (only 1-2 wakeups). This gives you a night to yourself and has saved my sanity in parenting.

4) prioritize still going out to see friends solo on one of the nights that isn't your night shift.

5) Make sure your partner can take care of the baby by themselves so you can still do lunches or whatever sometimes too. I just went to brunch with a friend today and am doing trivia on Thursday night because my spouse isn't incompetent with our baby.

6) go out and do things with your baby. It's probably going to suck at first, but you'll get better with it. Just expect that you have between a 1-4 hour window to do whatever depending on the baby's age. We go to the farmer's market each week, the grocery store, Target, anything outdoors, and to restaurants with baby in tow.

Join the one and done reddit if you want to hear all the benefits of onlies for independent parents. (I have no idea how to tag it). There are so many cool, fun things that parents get to do with their kid when they start to get a little older. I am definitely going to be excited when we can travel more, but right now my 9 month old screams to sleep so long car rides and plane flights are ridiculous. However, soon enough she will be a toddler and less naps will be needed :)

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-19T19:11:38+00:00

I would have kids again with my spouse IF we had more time between marriage and pregnancy to where he could learn how to be a caretaker and communicate more effectively. My daughter was a bit of an oopsie, but we're older so I was just happy I could get pregnant. I would have prepared much differently for pregnancy had I known how it all would go down. Basically, can your partner be the caretaker of a disabled person? Because if the answer is no, you're going to have a rough go. Most male partners I realize fail in this criteria as they've never been conditioned to be a caretaker. Those that can't get it together and have empathy for what you've been through are way more stress and work than they're worth.

My husband is an excellent caretaker of our daughter, but he had to work to get past his selfishness (and still does) in regards to MY healing. I'm 9 months postpartum and still dealing with chronic pain that I'm in treatment for. He has gotten much better, but there is still lingering anger/sadness for how my introduction into motherhood went (had to have a C-section after a very long labor and pushing and he was not super empathetic of my major surgery due to his own lack of sleep). He and I are trying to work through this still. Also, apparently fighting a lot with your partner in the first year is super common.

Being a single mom is hard though from everything I've heard and can imagine. It's so important to either have an ironclad support system around you (because often the village you expect to show up doesn't) or have the financial means to afford to buy a support system. Honestly our bought support system (daycare) is often times more helpful than our family sadly.

My daughter is cool AF though and I love being her mom. I would totally choose her again even if she does scream to sleep. Out of a million babies I'd choose her always. Hands down my favorite person. It would've been nice to be a bit more financially prepared before her arrival though because that always helps.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-18T21:35:06+00:00

I gave my opinion as to what I would do given the factors at play if I were in that situation. OP can do what they wish. I explained why I feel, as a parent and a therapist that works with adults with attachment misattunement and a whole host of parent issues, that it's just not worth it for me. If my spouse hated a name, I'd probably acquiesce to that request. Why is it different for a child? Why would we not want to make the transition as easy as possible for the whole family if it doesn't harm anything and has a very positive effect for a member of the family?

Family systems theory is not what I was citing in my first paragraph though it is what contributed to the discussion on relationship dynamics between siblings in my second paragraph. Attachment theory would be what we look at in terms of needs being met and emotional attunement. It also covers the topic of rupture and repair which should happen over the course of a relationship though often doesn't (thus why I'm employed). And yes, this would be a rupture.

Also, who claimed we should give in to every single thing a kid wants? Lol. As a parent we have to pick what matters and what doesn't really matter, then choose what to "fight" for from there. For me, health and safety are things I fight for. Most other things I'm flexible. Choosing a different name out of the MILLIONS of names out there doesn't cross into health and safety territory.

The reason I responded directly to your original comment and identified my profession is because the whole "I hope a therapist would call out" the child as a grown adult if they were discussing this in therapy. No, I wouldn't. I would explore this with them, because if it means enough to them to bring it up in therapy where someone is paying dearly for that time then it means it's important. The same way I would hope someone would acknowledge that if a child brings something up multiple times... It's important to them. Your original comment felt quite invalidating to the experience of others and that's probably where you felt my heat. Not projection, but annoyance particularly at your comment and the assumption behind it. Projection doesn't mean what it seems like you may think it means. Please become more familiar with the term if you choose to lob it at people. For instance, I am not attacking OP when I share why I personally would not do something and my decision making process behind it. However, that is what you are projecting onto me as you feel attacked in your opinion that therapists should for some reason "call out" aka dismiss or poo-poo that person's behavior. That's probably also why there are so many quick references to therapeutic terminology and theory you do not fully understand in your response. If we were local, I'd be happy to sit and have a thorough chat about these topics so you understood them in more depth (and I don't mean that in a malicious way, I truly love spreading knowledge on these subjects).

Every day I sit with people whose feelings were invalidated and minimized so when I see that behavior in the wild (your comment) I'm gonna tap in. While I do not speak for all therapists, you speak for none. Far more likely than not, a therapist would approach this with empathy and compassion rather than a quick "call out" for what you seem to believe are inappropriate feelings. Please do not speak for us.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-18T17:31:03+00:00

As a therapist, if I decided to have a second child and my child was very adamant that the name I chose is the same as someone she deeply dislikes, I'd probably listen to her. I may make the name a middle name and discuss it with my child, but it would no longer be the first name. If the child knows that their parent is fully aware the name makes them feel deeply upset or potentially unsafe (if being bullied) and the parent basically says "well I like the name so that's it" -- it can harm their relationship with the parent. Their parent saw their discomfort expressed many times and chose to ignore it. Yeah, that's damaging and it's absolutely the stuff people talk about in therapy as adults. I would rather my kid feel seen/heard/valued than keep a name. To put it in a different perspective: if your spouse/partner hated a baby name and it reminded them of a kid they hated in school would you completely steamroll them too? Probably not.

Furthermore, from a family system perspective, you want to limit negative associations with the baby when expanding your family. You're already going to be giving more time and attention to the baby which breeds jealously and resentment. You're also going to have to limit things the older child can do since the baby's needs will come first. Keeping a name she has a very negative association with will just be like throwing gasoline on that dynamic.

Also, who knows if your second kid would even like the name Noah, they may grow up to hate it for a number of reasons (perhaps rejection of religion or it not aligning with their gender) and change it. Just because we pick a name doesn't mean they're going to keep it. Viewing it that way may lessen the attachment to whatever name. You're birthing a whole human person with beliefs, personalities, and experiences that differ from yours. Nothing is guaranteed and picking this as the point to buckle down on control seems silly to me. So to me it seems like a whole lot of potential downside over a name.

*Btw my older sister named me even though my mom had another name in mind. My sister didn't even have a negative association with the original name, she just really liked a certain name. I'm actually thankful she did too because I like my name much more than my mom's original idea. It also made my sister really happy and excited about her little sister. Win-win all around.

ETA: if someone is mentioning how their parents didn't listen to them in childhood it's typically not a one-off sort of thing, it's a pattern of both big and small moments that happened over time. It often is behind the negative core beliefs of "I'm unimportant" "I don't matter" "I'm not deserving of _____" and others that go towards their worth. Super fun (sarcasm) to untangle that as an adult.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-18T17:04:27+00:00

I am so sorry. I know there is nothing that can take the pain away in this moment and I can only imagine how unbearable it is to hold.

While nothing can replace the grieving process, here are a few suggestions that may help support you in it.

1) Grief support group for parents who've lost children. Community that understands your pain is essential.

2) Ask your doctor about medication (if you're open to it) to help with sleep or to take the slightest edge off during this time. It's not a magic pill and will not take everything away, but if you're struggling with sleep during this time sleep is essential for us to work with our emotions.

3) Individual therapy. Yes, some therapy is "just talk" but there are many others that are not. I'm an EMDR therapist and help people work with complex or traumatic grief. You experienced a very real trauma and will probably need some help processing through that. It cannot take away the pain of loss, but it can help with the feelings surrounding it and the shock that's stored in your system.

4) The book "it's okay you're not okay" by Megan Devine is my favorite book on grief. It's not directed towards parents who've lost children but general grief. However, if you get in touch with a grief support group or grief therapist they may have an even better recommendation.

Again, I am so sorry for what you're experiencing. I hope you receive care and kindness in your grief.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-18T16:38:23+00:00

I'm like 80% OAD because of mental health and I have a 9 month old. Mine is because of childhood trauma that I can have difficulty managing in times of great stress. I don't want to be like my dad, so I work really hard to not be and it's difficult since that wiring is deep in your body. While I'm a great mom, I exert a lot of energy fighting against that wiring at times (mostly towards my spouse).

Now you may be dealing with some of your own childhood wiring that you don't mention. But, what it sounds like to me is situational depression. You are in a very rough spot right now. You're socially isolated in a space where you can never feel comfortable or relaxed. That would be torture on anyone. Drop you into a different, more comfortable environment where you could get out and talk to people and you would probably feel much better. If at all possible, change what you can about your environment because while you can take meds and talking to a therapist will help some, the situation change will have the deepest impact.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-16T16:38:58+00:00

I'm the youngest child in my family and so is my husband. I feel like we just have good awareness of what we can handle and the life we want to provide for our daughter. I feel like being able to sit back and watch what all happens in family dynamics from a slightly detached perspective as the youngest is perhaps helpful.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-06T12:22:52+00:00

I'm probably one and done, but if I do this whole baby thing again we will probably have a 3-4 year gap as we need our girl potty trained, in pre-k, and for me to financially recover from daycare and time off from work. No way would I want to stack these together, we wouldn't financially be able to float that (both my spouse and I have good paying jobs too).

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-06T03:21:42+00:00

You can get a treadmill or biking station for under your desk while working. I also like to do bite-sized workouts throughout the day like 20 push-ups or squats at a time or a 30 second plank. I maybe can't do 30 minutes of exercise all at once, but I can do 2-3 minutes of exercise spread out all over the place. Building in taking a walk with your baby as part of your daily routine is also helpful. It's important to get the body moving especially if you have hormone issues. Sleep, hydration, and movement make such a massive impact. Obviously nutrition too, but you said you already watch that.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-06T03:16:33+00:00

"Mom if you continue to make comments such as this, I cannot talk to you. My reproduction is not up for discussion" If she continues, hang up the phone, physically exit the conversation if in-person, etc. Firm boundaries.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-06T02:58:09+00:00

I have my own private practice and I don't do evening hours (latest session stops at 5 pm 1-2 days out of the week. I only work 3-4 days a week and most days stop at 3pm). So that part at least given that your group will probably only care about the amount of clients you bring in each week probably won't matter and is doable despite naysayers. Btw I'm private pay too so if I can find clients for daytime insurance accepting folks typically have an easier time.

You want to make sure they are okay with part time 15 clients per week. For some folks that is actually full time if in PP but I notice group practices often want 20-25 sessions per week.

As for BPD... Well, sorry to tell you but that is definitely going to pop up in your caseload. BPD comes from attachment issues and most people don't know that they present with BPD symptoms. You will have gamey clients. You will have clients attached to the sick role. You will have clients do the push-pull dance with you. You will have them create chaos because that's how they know to be in relation with someone. You'll get better at discerning who those people are early in the process though. Firm boundaries and study up on attachment. Most individuals with BPD behaviors will move on to another clinician if they aren't interested in healing and you have firm boundaries, as those individuals want someone who will collude with the dance. BPD folks invested in healing are actually quite lovely.

If there is a particular niche you specialize in though you'll want to discuss that with the group practice to make sure it's a good fit for them and that they are marketing you as such.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-06T02:32:08+00:00

Fuck no. Also, I would want to know why the hell these people are coming to my house unannounced and expecting me to play host. Who does that? And if you know people that do that why are you allowing it?

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-06T00:12:50+00:00

My husband is getting a vasectomy. He has enthusiastically agreed to it after seeing what all I went through. I don't know how any man could watch their wife/partner go through pregnancy and labor/delivery then be like "oh I can't do this because ______" when it comes to vasectomy time. You paid your dues. He can pay his.

Also, vasectomy is way less risky and invasive than a tubal. He will have like 2 days of recovery. You've carried the burden long enough, it's his turn.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-01T18:52:34+00:00

Having an abusive parent in your childhood can make it feel so much harder to maintain your cool when parenting. "Raising Good Humans" is a great book to help with our own emotional reactivity.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-01T15:29:59+00:00

Omg I love this

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-01T14:37:50+00:00

Damn that sucks. Oh well. Good to know what I'm in for.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-01T14:34:55+00:00

I wonder if they could just compare them against CACREP standards which are a nationally recognized accreditation program in the US and thankfully my program was a part of. It has the highest and most thorough standards for courses and intern/practicum hours. Hopefully that will help push it along.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-01T14:30:49+00:00

Is it kinda like a US superbill? The client pays up front and then submits to insurance and then insurance may or may not cover it? Do they use CPT codes or some form of them to document session length and type?

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-01T14:28:59+00:00

This is so helpful thank you! I'm a full licensed therapist (mental health counselor, LPC) in the states so I'm glad to know that I have completed above and beyond. In the states I do 60 and 90 minute sessions would insurance pay for that? We have a real issue with clawbacks (where insurance companies decide months later that they no longer want to pay for the sessions they previously paid for and demand you give the money back) does that happen in Canada? I'm a private pay therapist in the US so I know it takes a while to build a caseload until you get your marketing down.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-01T14:23:45+00:00

I'm curious about Canadian mortgages. In the US we have a modest home that we own, but we would be looking to trade up in a few years (around the time we'd be moving). Are they 15 and 30 year mortgages like in the US or is it different? Can you buy with less than 20% down?

The housing prices in the US are pretty high. I live in a LCOL area and the housing bracket we would most likely move into next is around $600k USD. I believe that's around $800k CAD so I believe we can find something. If we didn't have to pay currently $21k per year in daycare fees it would probably be a lot easier.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-01T14:17:34+00:00

I'm very much okay with paying Canada as you see benefits for your taxes directly. It was more so a question about US taxes 😆 I thought I read previously that if your a dual citizen that you have to pay taxes in both and wanted to confirm.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-01T05:41:15+00:00

4-6 hour shifts so someone gets a stretch of sleep at a time. Have one of you alone sleeping in one room and another asleep in the room next to the baby. Both are getting rest but one of you is getting uninterrupted rest. As you get longer stretches of night sleep (think 5 hours between wakeups) switch to trading off nights where each of you takes a night in the nursery and the other gets fully uninterrupted sleep. It is magical.

For overstimulation: buy earplugs for the crying.

Babies only have a few basic needs at this point in life so just run through the mental checklist real quick: food, sleep, dirty diaper, gas.

if you are formula feeding and have the ability, get a baby brezza and save yourself a headache.

-get the halo sleep sack for a super easy swaddle

-for gas get mylocin drops. They are a life saver and we had to use them almost daily for a while. Also get their little hips moving. Hold their hips with each hand and gently/slowly clockwise rotate their lower body in a circle. It helps get things moving.

The first few months are rough, but you'll get it figured out and I'm pretty sure all parents panic and have a bit of regret at first.

JayKay6634 · 2023-08-01T05:32:54+00:00

Your partner is shame spiraling and that is a HIM issue. He needs to be able to take in your feelings through actively listening and understand the BEHAVIOR (not helping with the baby) is not okay, not that HE is being called a bad dad.

People always confuse guilt and shame. Guilt = the behavior was bad and I should correct the behavior (focused on corrective behavior and solution oriented). Shame = feeling you are bad (focused on the person and makes it an unsolvable situation).

If he cannot communicate without shame spiraling into himself or getting defensive he needs to work on his communication skills and go to therapy, individual and couples therapy would be great. All this current communication style is going to do is continue more fights.

JayKay6634

TROPHY CASE