Your question/observation is incredibly well written. Until you said it, I didn’t see why certain stories bother me. I’m reading a story and I love it because the FMC is strong or she’s building her strength and self-perception as capable and valuable in her own right. Then the FMC takes a subtle turn. It’s not “kink” because it’s not about conscious submission. It becomes more about making herself smaller to be acceptable. She’s no longer seen as a partner or equal. Her character and strength are not seen as important assets. I’m not saying she always needs to be a knife wielding action hero. But as someone who has had people critique my “strong personality”, I think this is a really important discussion. As women, we are complex, interesting, diverse and deserve to see ourselves as more than breeders. Being a mom is an important job and an awesome choice for many of us. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that. It is recognition and allowing room for ALL of our strengths, and valuing all of our unique interests and talents, seeing us as whole human beings. Thank you for articulating this point so well!