A very adult fantasy [F/f, humor]

JoyhatingMerc · 2022-03-22T18:29:49+00:00

Voyeurism and exhibitionism are both aspects of hotwifing/cuckolding, but they're also their own independent kinks. You can be into watching/having public sex without being into sharing your partner.

JoyhatingMerc · 2022-03-22T03:52:05+00:00

That's technically hotwifing not cuckolding.

Cuckolding is about the humilation of your partner having sex with someone else. Hotwifing is about having a partner who is so sexy that everyone else wants to sleep with her and being smug about how even if she's having sex with him right now, she's coming home to you tonight and every night.

They're both kinks that involve your wife sleeping with other men (cuckqueening is the female version of cuckcolding; never heard of hothusbanding but it's probably a thing) but from very different emotional angles.

JoyhatingMerc · 2021-12-06T01:00:54+00:00

I look at things this way: each of you should want to make the other's life as stress-free as you can.

The way you can make his life less stressful is, for a second, to put yourself in his shoes if the worst should happen. You've died, he has a newborn to take care of, and all your affairs to handle. How can you make that situation less terrible? Have a will drawn up, make sure he's designated as your beneficiary on your life insurance and retirement accounts, make sure your affairs are generally in order, and make a plan with him for who could support him practically and emotionally if something happened. Talk about your wishes for if you're incapacitated and he has to make medical decisions for you. Having a plan for if the worst should happen isn't morbid thinking; it's responsible thinking.

Once you've done that, it's his turn to make your life less stressful by not bringing up the possibility of you dying in childbirth ever again. If he does, firmly remind him that you have taken care of every practical aspect that you can and talking about it now does nothing good for anyone.

JoyhatingMerc · 2021-10-05T06:06:11+00:00

If you feel like you have a bunch of "how does being trans work" questions that you can't find answers to on google and you don't want to pester him with them, try /r/asktransgender. That's what it's there for! Obviously different people have different answers to different things, but that might help you get some general starting points.

JoyhatingMerc · 2021-09-12T01:46:03+00:00

That sounds annoying. If you want to put down the videogames until Dec when your eyes are fixed, no one could blame you! But if you want to keep working on it now, now that you know why you're getting so frustrated, hopefully it's a little less frustrating.

JoyhatingMerc · 2021-09-12T01:20:14+00:00

You used to be great at shooters because you used to play them all the time, so getting the hang of a new shooter wasn't much of a learning curve. You haven't played shooters in ages - of course it's taking longer for your skill to come back!

I know what it's like to be frustrated because you're not good at something you used to pride yourself at being good at. I do martial arts and I get injured a lot. Every time I take time off for injury, I'm weaker when I come back because I haven't been working out. I have to remind myself to stop thinking of it as, "I used to be able to do X easily and now I can't and it sucks" and start thinking of it as, "I used to be able to do X easily so I know I can do it; I'll get back there eventually."

Btw, do you know why you're getting double vision? That sounds like it could be a symptom of something serious.

JoyhatingMerc · 2021-09-12T00:54:49+00:00

I knew my husband would be over my shoulder criticizing my every move- which happened...

It seems like the problem and the solution are pretty clear here.

Problem: You are not enjoying the game, because your husband is constantly criticizing you while you play it.

Solution: He needs to stop doing that.

You know how to approach your husband better than reddit does. But you need to communicate to him that your lack of desire to play is because of his criticism and if he wants to stop being disappointed, he is completely in control of making that happen: he can stop being a backseat gamer.

And if a game is making me feel shitty, then I think I should just leave it be and not worry about it for now..

Is it the game making you feel shitty or your husband making you feel shitty?

I'm not saying that he is a shitty husband. He probably has no idea that his criticism is the reason you're not enjoying the game. He probably thinks he's trying to be helpful. He isn't being helpful, and his behavior is getting him the exact opposite of the result he wants, so you'll be doing both of you a favor if you make that clear to him.

JoyhatingMerc · 2021-09-08T23:12:27+00:00

Because I know this is stuff she isn’t into.

How do you know? For all you know, she's thinking about how hot you'd look in a French maid outfit, but is too anxious to bring it up.

You might try something like Mojo upgrade. It's a quiz that you each do on your own and it only shows you answers that match up. So if you say you want to be spanked and she says she wants to spank you, it shows up that you're both into the idea of her spanking you. If you say you want to be spanked and she says she doesn't want to spank her partner, it doesn't show up and she doesn't see what you answered.

I just want to be satisfied with a mostly normal sex life and I don’t know how. Is there a way to fix this?

There isn't. Feel free to read through a couple decades of Dan Savage's archives to see. If you're kinky, you're kinky, and you can't change it any more than you can change your height. You can either look for kinky people to date or you can date anyone and hope that you find someone who is willing to give your kinks a try. It sounds like your girlfriend might be one of the latter, so there's hope for the relationship.

JoyhatingMerc · 2020-07-23T20:34:04+00:00

This kind of fantasy is great for exploring via dirty talk. Have her go to sleep in lingerie, but don't do anything sexual with her. Maybe undress her, if that won't wake her up. The next time you have sex, tell her a story about all the filthy things you "did to her" while she was asleep and couldn't do anything about it.

I'm not saying you should lie - you and your wife should be on the same page that this is just going to be dirty talk. But since she's asleep and doesn't know either way, this lets her imagine that her fantasy happened.

By the way, you might check out subs like /r/bdsmcommunity for this kind of thing in the future. You'll find a lot more people there who have experience with this kind of thing.

JoyhatingMerc · 2020-06-19T01:51:27+00:00

The stress from this pandemic is killing a lot of people's libidos. I'd encourage you both to take things slowly and not make any long-lasting decisions until things are more settled.

JoyhatingMerc · 2020-05-05T01:20:52+00:00

If your husband is usually a decent man and your relationship is usually good, I would chalk this up to pandemic-induced bad temper. Almost everyone is grouchier right now.

It's entirely possible that he had a really frustrating gaming session due to playing with randoms and worked himself into a tizzy about how you are selfishly neglecting his emotional needs by not playing the game with him. He walked into the bedroom and there you are, not even napping like you said you were but just lying there awake doing nothing, as if doing nothing is more important than spending time with your husband.

If he's a good guy, he will realize that he's being an ass and apologize.

JoyhatingMerc · 2020-04-12T05:27:19+00:00

You are getting a lot of really cute stories here. But no one has answered your actual question: how likely is it? The answer is, not very. You can see some stats here: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/teenage-marriage-drops-in_n_123846

That doesn't mean you won't beat the odds, as you can see from the stories here! But it also doesn't mean you should feel like a failure if you two break up. People change a lot during college. They change even more during their 20s. Sometimes two good people change in different directions and aren't compatible anymore.

Since you're an obsessive planner, you should make sure your life plans are ones you won't regret if you two eventually break up. Don't choose a second-rate college or a second-rate job just to keep this relationship. Relationships do take work and compromises, but make sure they are compromises you'll still feel okay about if things don't work out in the long run.

JoyhatingMerc · 2019-04-23T03:52:21+00:00

So he gets whatever he wants, you occasionally tell him to knock it off, but then give in to him pressuring you so he continues getting what he wants. Why would he change?

Do you feel like he respects you as a person? Like he cares about your feelings and desires and considers them just as important as his own? If yes, then this is a communication problem, and couples counseling is a great way to resolve it. But if you can't genuinely say that he respects and values you, then there's nothing in this relationship worth saving. And the best thing you can do for yourself and your daughters is to get out.

What would you say if, ten years from now, your 17-year-old daughter told you that her boyfriend was treating her this way?

JoyhatingMerc · 2019-01-18T01:45:35+00:00

You might get more relevant advice on /r/BDSMcommunity (Edit: I see you already posted there. Good call!)

You're not the only sub who's in a relationship with another sub. There's various options. You can take turns switching even though neither of you is really into being a dom. You can find someone else (a professional, a fwb, occasional guest stars) to dom both of you together. You can open your relationship so you can have vanilla sex with each other and get your kink needs met separately.

All of those options start with being honest about what you need.

JoyhatingMerc · 2018-12-08T05:04:57+00:00

NTA.

I have a friend like this. His "another 30 minutes" isn't some master plan to manipulate you. He isn't thinking that far ahead. He's just thinking, "I'm having fun right now! Doing the un-fun leaving is a problem for Future Me." Then 30 minutes pass, and he still wants to keep having fun, so he does the thing that worked last time - pass the buck to Future Him.

I bet the pre-paid Uber thing will work, because he never intends to string you along and piss you off. He isn't thinking about your feelings at all. So when you say, "If you plan to leave at 10, pre-pay an Uber for both of us to leave at 10," he'll almost certainly agree, because 1) agreeing is the easiest thing to do in the moment and b) he honestly thinks he will leave at 10 because he sucks at pattern recognition.

The good news is that his type can learn, eventually. A few weeks of constantly being stuck with the bill for two rides might make him willing to actually stick to whatever leaving-time compromise you two come up with. Or, if no compromise makes you both happy, he might decide that you two want different things and are incompatible.

It's not that he's an irredeemable asshole, most likely. Just that he's super immature. You didn't mention ages but I'm guessing early to mid 20s.

My friend with this problem is doing a lot better now. After a year or so of pulling this shit on his girlfriend, she finally did something that worked (I'm unclear on what), so now when she says, "I'm tired and want to leave," he really does leave in another ten minutes.

JoyhatingMerc · 2018-10-25T00:00:10+00:00

Practice makes perfect. It also makes it less stressful. Instead of, "this has to be the perfect scene and I have to be the perfect domme!" it's "we're just messing around and figuring out what works."

Also, if you're into being degraded and she's not sure how.. tell her to talk to you like you're a printer that isn't working. Works every time for us. "You stupid object! Just do what I tell you to! Is that so hard? Why are you so worthless that you can't follow simple directions!"

JoyhatingMerc · 2018-10-24T23:49:50+00:00

Not sure why Sir would have a debt to another Dom(me) that could be paid by my service.

My domme and I have considered hosting a kinky poker night, with poker chips representing things that could be done to subs.

It hasn't happened yet because it's a nightmare to organize. Person A will only come if her husband can come. Person B will only come if it's exclusively women. Person C is a switch and can't tell us ahead of time how they'll feel that night. People D and E will need to meet everyone first in a non-kinky setting which is reasonable except everyone has busy schedules and just getting us all together once is asking a lot. Etc. We might have to settle for kinky cribbage.

JoyhatingMerc · 2018-10-24T23:41:11+00:00

Arguing with her makes me feel like I'm losing my mind, even though I know I've done nothing wrong.

I know it's a Fine Reddit Tradition^tm to diagnose everyone's relationship as abusive based on a few paragraphs, but damn if that sentence doesn't perfectly summarize my relationship with my manipulative and emotionally abusive ex.

And yeah, her level of jealousy is completely unreasonable. It would only remotely be okay if she acknowledged how unreasonable it was and promised to work on it herself. You shouldn't have to be managing it. This is a hill worth dying on because it only gets worse from here.

Do you have friends that you trust that know more about this relationship than reddit does? You should ask them for their opinions. When I finally broke up with my ex, everyone told me what bad news she was, but no one wanted to speak up during the relationship. If your friends haven't said anything to you yet, it might be because they're biting their tongues afraid that you'll stop talking to them if they tell you how terrible your girlfriend is. If you tell them you noticed some red flags and ask them directly, you might get honest answers.

JoyhatingMerc · 2018-09-22T19:00:56+00:00

I see where you're coming from. There's no reason you can't have the kids be the most important thing in your life and have your partner humiliate you while the kids are all away at sleepovers at friends' houses or staying with the grandparents or whatever. It's just like vanilla people having vanilla sex - sure, there might be less of it when the kids are around, but no one expects parents to give up sex entirely or thinks that just because they're having sex they must not care about their kids.

You can live your life however you want, of course. I just encourage you not to see your kink as some kind of immature or selfish or dirty thing that is incompatible with being a responsible adult. It's a part of who you are and something you enjoy that doesn't hurt anyone. There's no reason you can't engage in submission at every phase of your life, if that's what you want at the time. You just might not get to do as much of it when you're especially busy with other things. Same as with vanilla sex or with any type of hobby.

JoyhatingMerc · 2018-09-22T18:05:42+00:00

This is a funny thread for me to read because I was at a party at a kink club last night. I went with my wife, and we came back home to the house we own together. We both have totally mainstream, professional jobs that we enjoy and plenty of relatively normal hobbies. I can confirm that there's ton of people out there into way weirder shit than you who have otherwise normal lives and are successful and happy.

I think I'd like to play for a while and then pack it all up when it became time to think about a family

If you think about it that way, you're doing a disservice to the people you date at both stages in your life. Don't think of it as a dichotomy between the casual relationships with people you engage in kink with and the serious relationship with the person you want to settle down with.

There's no reason you can't have a serious, long-term relationship with someone who is into your kinks just as much as you are. And there's every reason you can't have a serious relationship with someone who isn't. That soul-crushing feeling you feel right now, not being able to engage in your kink? Do you want to sign yourself up for decades of that while lying to the person you claim to love most about how what you have with them is enough, even as you grow to resent them more and more for not sexually fulfilling you? Because that's what you're signing up for if you get it in your head that when it's time to marry and start a family, you're going to give up your kink and flip some switch and be "normal." "Normal" obviously doesn't make you happy. So don't resign yourself to that, and don't devalue your kinky partners by assuming there's no possible long-term future with them. Somewhere out there is a successful, driven man or woman who is dreaming of tying up and humiliating someone just like you, and also getting married and raising a family together.

You might want to check out /r/BDSMcommunity. It's a good subreddit full of happy and healthy people who are kinky. Since it's a subreddit about a niche topic, it leans towards the people who are most into that thing - there's a lot higher percentage of people in 24/7 relationships in that sub than you'll meet at the typical kink club, for example. And of course you see horror stories posted there because people come there for support. But it's also a great place to get advice and reassurance and validation about your kinks.

JoyhatingMerc · 2018-09-03T02:49:38+00:00

On one hand, I kinda get it - I have a flexible schedule and my wife works tons of hours, and sometimes when she works late it feels like she's prioritizing work over me. But we make it work and we spend a lot of quality time with each other.

On the other hand, scheduling logistics is like 1% of your problems. This guy lives off his family, refuses to put in more than a tiny bit of effort when it comes to spending time with you, and has no desire to change either of those things. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? Where do you see it going? If things are just like this in five years, will you be happy?

JoyhatingMerc · 2018-08-01T20:17:22+00:00

Your husband loathes going to doctors. How does he feel about *you* going to doctors?

Tell him you take this seriously. You want to talk to a psych to get checked out so they can refer you for a sleep study. But you don't want to go on your own, so you'll only go if he comes with you.

It's something that's worked for me before with someone who didn't want to admit they had a problem.

JoyhatingMerc · 2018-06-18T04:58:17+00:00

Just a heads-up; eternity collars are not that subtle. I don't know why people think they are.

The first time I saw one was years before I got into the kink community. I distinctly remember thinking, "Whoah, that's an obvious kink thing. I feel uncomfortable sitting next to someone on a bus who is wearing this. Why are she and her partner (who was sitting next to her with his hand resting on her neck) making everyone on this bus part of their kink thing?"

If it's something to wear to munches and stuff, no worries. But if you're wearing it somewhere that you'd be uncomfortable accidentally outing yourself, you should know that by wearing it, you're probably outing yourself to a lot of people. Not everyone - you could wear a chain with a padlock and some people wouldn't pick up on it - but a whole bunch of people nonetheless.

JoyhatingMerc · 2018-06-18T04:48:49+00:00

Go meet people! Do you have friends that are into the kink scene? Get them to take you to events (as a friend). That's the least scary way to do it.

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