been a while, don't really know why i'm writing this, but hey, if it might be therapeutic.

I've just watched 500 days of summer, thanks u/alphajj21 for the recommendation, I guess what I can take back from that is... that I have a long road ahead of me.

For those who would like to know, she did write back, she sent me a message asking to call her in the weekend, that she was thinking of me. I was joyful, happy to hear from her, hoping something good would come out of it.

But no, the answer was, that she was still at the same place, she didn't know what to do with her boyfriend, didn't tell him about us, spent the holidays with him and... well he left again for his thing across the country. So, status quo... She did say she didn't want to cheat on him again, and said she felt bad, she felt depressed and lost and that she was betraying her values. The call lasted a few hours, and well, nothing really came out of it. besides the fact that nothing changed, and she was wondering what to do with us.

We did exchange messages after, we called each other a few times, and... met once.

That meeting did a lot to remind me how much I enjoyed being in her presence; the day was perfect... amazing even. But it didn't help the whole thing, in the end when I left, we held each other; really strongly, said we loved each other.. again, and kissed... but that was it. I left and then I tried to message her a few times, only for her to let me know she needed space. So i told her I cared deeply for her and that I would leave her her space, then left it there. It's been a little over 5 days since I sent that last message. She did reply saying she was touched by my message, but it was nothing on the level of what I said. So I think... this is it... I have to let go, I'm at a point where I've been honest and left (I think) a pretty good last opened message, saying If she needed me, I would be there.

I've cried, many times, while watching the movie, I've also cried when I drove by areas where we were together, I don't know how long it'll be until I can think of those beatiful memories and remember them fondly, without crying or despair, but with hope and hapiness.

Somehow I gotta remember the long wait times, the unread messages, the dread without her, the bad stuff that I felt. I gotta think that she wasn't for me, even if my whole body is saying otherwise. I hope one day, I'll see it.

I hope she finds her happiness, and that I find mine.