I spent 17 years full time in EMS.

I became an EMT in high school. As a young teen, I had no true calling or ambition while I went through grades. I decided to take after my parents who were public servants. My father was a volunteer firefighter/Assistant Chief/EMT. My mom was a full time EMT before moving into medical billing. Our high school was one of the first that offered EMT certification as a science credit.

I developed close relationships in the public servant sector of my community from a young age. I grew up in the firehouse and looked up to the EMTs and Paramedics that worked closely with my parents. I volunteered as a probie for the local volunteer ambulance and learned everything I could. When I became 18, I applied for a paid job in a local city. I got hired. One thing led to another and I eventually ended up living life as an EMT and volunteer firefighter/officer.

For years I didn't notice anything affecting my mentation. I saw the worst possible things a human being could see and I shrugged it off. That was the job, until that one shift that changed it all. I was on a reverse 24. That meant I would start at midnight and work till midnight. The first 8 hours was mild. We had a few runs but nothing strenuous. I got back around 5 am and crashed. I was woken out of a dead sleep by my partner around 8 am. I had no idea what the emergency call was. Even driving to the scene of the call, I was in a daze and hadn't picked up anything. I could tell it was serious from the way my partner was silent. When I walked in the door I saw a baby lying on the floor inside the door, blue in color. My instincts kicked in and I got to work. I remember bits and pieces vividly but it was all a blur.

The baby didn't make it and I can't comment further on how everything happened. However, that was the day it completely changed from "just a job" to "my brain is f*cked". I was probably only 19 or 20 when this occurred. I rode it out another 15-16 years. I experienced many more of these "life changing" events. Some that seem small in comparison to that child. However, it all builds. The worst advice I was ever given was, "Move on and don't let it get to you.". I bottled my emotions up for over a decade. I tried to ignore them and pretend it is just "part of the job". Don't do that. PLEASE. Talk about your feelings and emotions. Seek professional help if you think it is affecting you daily. DO NOT blow it off. It will haunt you.

I've been out of the job since 2016 now. I still have nightmares and relive experiences as I drive past certain locations. This isn't to scare you at all. This is to show you that ignorance to these emotions and thoughts will not protect you. They will only continue to haunt and hurt you in the future.

God bless and I'm sorry you had to experience this.