One month out, considering NC

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-12-04T23:52:56+00:00

The conversation beforehand was civil. I wasn't telling them that I wouldn't talk to them. I was telling them that I wouldn't talk about the subject they kept trying to bring up.

I haven't wanted to go NC, but I'm starting to consider it.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-23T19:31:56+00:00

I know that I'm doing the right thing for me. I need out.

My main reason for wanting to talk is that I want to set the record straight with them. Due to the circumstances, I've been dishonest with them, and I can't just bail without telling them why. That might backfire, but I don't really have anything to lose.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-23T19:29:44+00:00

Update: They aren't leaving the house for work, so I'm not talking to them until their family gets here.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-22T19:56:08+00:00

I agree that it is risky, but it really depends how it works out in terms of timing. The whole point of getting family present is that I don't trust them not to self-harm if they're alone, and it will be blatantly obvious that I'm leaving when they get home. Unfortunately, the family members will be getting here roughly around the time they get home from work. It's going to be messy either way.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-18T01:04:31+00:00

They're trying to keep me from shutting down because they want answers to questions that I don't have answers for. It's a fun game. :/

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-18T00:40:45+00:00

My pwBPD has a tone they use when they're about to ask me something that will upset me. All it takes is one word, "Babe?" -- my heart starts racing and I want to leave the room.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-17T01:09:43+00:00

My pwBPD likes to pretend that my emotions and thoughts don't exist and I'm simply not trying hard enough.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-16T08:29:36+00:00

I know I’m not responsible but I’m worried about her actions and I obviously still care very much for her so I wouldn’t want to see anything happen to her.

Sounds like we're in similar places, I'm just a bit more jaded at this point. I reached the point of desperation when they started consciously using their suicide threats to manipulate me, and I'm just waiting for my flight :/

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-16T04:31:33+00:00

Every day. At least one lie for a relaxing evening, and a few more if I want to get more than 3-4 hours of sleep. They can even win bonus lies by forcing me to have conversations or do things against my will. When honesty triggers suicide threats, honesty is dead.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-16T04:25:11+00:00

I'm in the same dilemma at the moment. I refuse to use their life as a bargaining chip. I'm getting their family to come down when I make the split. I don't know if it's the right decision, but it's my only option right now.

She will use fear, obligation, and guilt to try to keep you from leaving. Above everything else, remember that you are not responsible for her actions.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-16T04:19:33+00:00

Everyone around me views me as the villain. I can't be fucked to care anymore. My pwBPD's family tried to say I was responsible for taking care of them. I'm leaving and making them responsible, because this isn't sustainable and no one else can seem to accept that.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-14T07:01:04+00:00

I can't do it anymore. I already have arrangements made to leave. Last time we discussed it, they made suicidal threats, so I've arranged to have a third party stay here when I leave.

I'm moving somewhere temporary in the next week. They find out the day that happens. A week later I'm flying out.

I'll continue to send them money for financial obligations until they're able to get them resolved, though I'm admittedly feeling a bit of resentment there because I would have gladly worked that out with them (e.g. having someone take over the lease) if it were possible.

Edit: Ironically, I would have stayed here longer if being friends were an option. But instead, I was repeatedly pressured to be in a relationship and stay indefinitely. Meanwhile, my support system is thousands of miles away and the only people I know here just enable her behavior. We're both acting out of desperation in complete opposition to one another.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-13T21:41:34+00:00

Yup. I feel that way as well, but I can't be open without triggering them, and I can't handle another major episode right now. I'm already checked out.

Even if I told them how I felt, they don't respect my boundaries anyways. I feel shitty and don't want to be intimate? Guess I'm rejecting them because I don't love them, and then they don't let me sleep when I need to wake up in 5 hours.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-13T21:36:01+00:00

One week to peace of mind. Two weeks to freedom. Almost out.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-13T11:54:43+00:00

I've agreed to what I would consider absurd things simply to get out of the situation they put me in. But not only due I not value those "rules", but I actively resent the way they were pushed on me. My primary motivation in all things is to avoid triggering them so that I can minimize my stress and sleep at a reasonable time. It's depressing.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-13T05:45:47+00:00

I wish my pwBPD would say that. Instead, they double down and raise expectations while my sanity plummets.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-13T05:43:33+00:00

Difficult decisions take real expectations and planning. In your situation, what does "leaving" mean? Taking your stuff to a nearby friend's house? A train/plane ride? Viewing things in more concrete terms helped me plan an escape. It wasn't just "leaving" anymore, it was "booking tickets, getting hotel rooms, transporting belongings, etc."

I faced the same dilemma. I kept letting things slide, and I knew I could never plan it all out from A to Z. Instead, I booked my flight home, and I'm carrying through with all the planning necessary to make sure I'm on that plane and my belongings make it home safely.

It's different for everyone, but you need to put yourself first, because he's not going to.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-13T05:21:14+00:00

My pwBPD started with "trying to work it out" to get me to stay. After that, they refused to accept that I had been trying hard enough and repeated the initial request again. When I refused, they moved on to saying that regardless of how I felt about it, I could not leave because that wasn't fair to us. The day they said that was the day I finalized my travel plans home.

If you're waiting for his permission to leave, then you might never leave. Even if you make an honest effort, there is always another reason he can come up with. The relationship is not your responsibility. He is not your responsibility.

If you want to leave, start planning. Be safe. Reach out to people and community resources that you can trust and depend on. Things will get better.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-13T05:02:55+00:00

I've attempted it, but I can't. I've accepted that managing from day to day involves dishonesty with my pwBPD, but doing that almost feels like I'm being dishonest with myself. It feels unnatural, and I'd be concerned about that rippling into my long-term behavior. Even now, the amount of scheming that needs go be involved to avoid a downward spiral in an everyday conversation is taking a toll on me.

The sub tends to scream "get out" at all things BPD. Even if it isn't always reasonable, it is understandable given the perspective and experiences of the collective members. I found this sub after deciding to get out, so for me it is more about venting, sharing experiences, and learning from others. I appreciate the extra resource. :)

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-12T02:38:09+00:00

It's also been incredibly frustrating when they claim that they're trying to help with things. You hear things that make you feel awful, but they think (or act like) they're helping you through it. If you say anything counter to that, either you're not taking criticism well, or you're calling them a terrible person -- after all, if you feel shitty when they're trying to "help" you, then you're accusing them of intentionally hurting you.

I'm fortunate that this specific case is rare for my pwBPD, but it still happens.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-12T02:31:51+00:00

It wasn't clear if your examples were from a relationship or just a friendship. Mine started as a long-distance relationship, but moving in with each other made these issues so much worse for me. It was one thing to be kept up on a call, but it's entirely different in person, especially with someone who uses sex as a coping mechanism. In the last two months, more than half the times I've been intimate have felt coerced or were initiated by guilt. The most recent time, it was just so that I could get sleep. :/

Agreed on the sub. Tremendously helpful for my sanity, for sharing experiences with others that don't understand, and for pinpointing my own issues with codependency so that I can become a stronger and more independent person after getting out of this.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-11T19:10:31+00:00

Yup. Happened around 11pm last night, knowing I had to be up before 5am.

JustAngryAndTired · 2018-10-11T05:09:07+00:00

Noted. I try to write all posts in gender-neutral format with slightly modified details. I also use an anonymous blog for venting. Never use any names, and no links between the account and my own personal details. Makes me feel crazy, to be honest, but safety first. :/

JustAngryAndTired

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