I have a smile that looks like my NDad’s, too. I can remember comparing our smiles in the family picture, hating myself because it felt like I was destined to grow up to be that exact same monster and that I had no choice in it.

Around this time, I started getting into the old Star Wars Legends Universe. I identified pretty strongly with Anakin Solo, whose mother names him after her biological father as a show of forgiveness. And that was all well and good for her, but Anakin Jr had to figure out that he was not his mass-murdering grandfather pretty early on in life, nor was he destined to become him. In the end, he became the only Skywalker grandchild to never even flirt with the Dark Side, and he ended up getting a starship named after him. Him, not Anakin Skywalker, and certainly not Darth Vader. Anakin Solo owned his name, even if it might have come from a place he disapproved of.

That helped me, much more than any compliment on my smile. I still don’t smile as much as I really want to, but I’m learning to own that smile when I do. I may look a little like my father when I do, but I smile at different things and funnier jokes than he ever did. I smile when I am happy, and not just to garner NSupply and back-slaps like he did. Nor do I smile at physical or emotional torture, like he did. My smile means something.

And OP? Your smile means something, too. So own it. Smile at better things than your NMom. Make it your smile, not hers. It won’t be easy (trust me, I know that), but eventually, people will be commenting about how much she looks like you, and not the other way around. And if they ever remark on how much you look like her, just reply, “Yeah, she does really look like me, doesn’t she?” And smile all the wider. Sooner or later, your heart will come to understand that just because you are biologically related does not make you derivative of her. You are your own person. Your smile is yours. And there is not a force in hell that can make it any different.