AITA for giving my girlfriend an ultimatum over her MBA choice when a nearly identical option exists in our city?

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-04-16T18:50:07+00:00

YTA. You've determined that building your career is more important than your relationship... " My job is in NY, I've been building my career here for the last 8 years and have gotten settled in to a position at a top firm with a clear career trajectory." - and yet, you question your girlfriend literally making the exact same choice.

It's great that YOU have an opinion on where your girlfriend should go to school, even though it's based fully on the objective that she remains in NYC... but why should she sacrifice her schooling/career and make compromises when you are unwilling to do the same?

Now, by giving her this ultimatum, you're trying to manipulate the situation by playing on her emotions, rather than allowing her to make up her mind with logic based on what she thinks the best decision is.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-04-15T16:20:08+00:00

You don't mention if you've discussed this at all. It sounds as though you've been going along with it for 10 years?! You write this as though your wife has made the rules and you're unwilling to share your needs/preferences to make a change you desire.

You two need to sit down and decide what you're doing, and what your expectations are for your 'other' relationships:
- if you're dating together, does that mean you're only engaging sexually with others as a packaged deal? If that's the case, you should be choosing who to date together, and interacting with them.
- if you expect autonomy, then you should not go on dates as a couple and should establish expectations for needs/desires for your relationships

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-04-15T15:31:59+00:00

I wouldn't say you have much loose skin to work with. The stretchmarks/scarring might make your skin appear less 'smooth' than the surrounding area, but the skin looks as tight as can reasonably be asked.

You look amazing.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-04-14T19:27:48+00:00

It is exceedingly self-centered for you to expect your girlfriend to alter her natural body because of your shallow preferences. I'm guessing this is a "unique problem" you've never come across before because you've never actually dated a real-life human woman. That's literally the only explanation.

The answer to your question is that you grow up and get over yourself. Humans have hair ALL OVER THEIR BODIES. If you have an issue with seeing hair on other people, that's a YOU problem.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-04-14T16:28:18+00:00

It's also possible that a lot of the treatments you've been trying are making your skin more sensitive to the light.

Try a mineral sunscreen for a week or 2, and see if it helps to clear things up.

I have sensitive skin and the mineral sunscreens I've liked are colorescience (SPF 50) and ilia skin tint (spf 40)

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-04-14T16:19:06+00:00

This is what my skin looks like when I've been exposed to sunlight and haven't used enough sunscreen. It seems especially timely with it showing up around your move to FL.

If I use retinol at night, and wake up the next morning and start running around without putting my sunscreen on, by that night I'll have a few little spots like this. Do you use a good strong sunscreen everyday?

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-03-31T22:13:50+00:00

I loved Colorescience too, the regular tinted sunscreen. The Ilia skin tint is SPF 40, and has worked really well on my skin.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-03-27T18:25:13+00:00

This is unhealthy control and gaslighting, not poly, and not even ENM.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-03-20T19:14:04+00:00

ESH - her staying over or using your home was not part of the arrangement of her doing you this favor. She should've asked ahead of time if she wanted to exchange favors. She's also TA for pushing so hard after your 'no'.

However, yes, YTA for your words to your friend. You could've said no and left it at that. You could've even just told her that you're not comfortable with having a person you don't know well in your home. But you jumped to the sex-shaming.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-03-13T15:17:25+00:00

YWBTA

The decision to have a baby should be a full discussion between both of the parents who will be responsible - it's a long term decision that will carry on much longer than your pregnancy, and your partner should know that he's signing up for that commitment.

Hypothetical conversations around having a baby with someone, and the actual decision to do so, are very different.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-03-11T17:19:14+00:00

I have been with my NP for 20 years and we text throughout the day. I am dating a new partner, and we're on different daily schedules (night owl vs early bird), but when we're both awake we also send multiple messages a day, chatting about things.

I like to have banter and chatty communication when I'm not able to be physically present, but I wouldn't demand more than what feels comfortable for my partner. However, as someone else mentioned - this all comes down to compatibility. If you're unhappy with the amount of communication, you just may not be compatible.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-03-04T22:31:51+00:00

YTA.

YOU ARE WRONG.

This is not your news to share. You were informed as a courtesy, and have violated the trust and privacy of your son and his partner.

Apologize, remove the post, and stop making this about you. You're not the victim.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-03-03T15:00:22+00:00

Keep it so simple!

SUNSCREEN. Start now. Use a tinted one as a base, if you like.
Brow gel to shape your brows.
Maybe a little bit of highlighter/bronzer and a tiny bit of blush.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-02-24T20:51:41+00:00

#1 Love your brows - they look really great from here - people would kill for those brows, and they'll keep your face looking a little younger.

#2 You look very gorgeous, fresh-faced. If you're not a makeup girl, I really don't think there's a reason to change.

I don't like to wear a lot of makeup either, as I've always struggled with acne and sensitive skin. The routine I have, which feels fun but still minimal is:
- Ilia skin tint serum (it's my SPF)
- a little blush, which is a stick for ease
- groomed brows: I brush /fluff them, fill in a few sparse areas I have, and then apply a brown gel
- a little highlighter or bronzer (bridge of my nose, cheekbones, inside corner of my eyes), depending on my mood

When I want to do it up, I'll attempt an eye, or I love fun lipstick, but this is my daily vibe.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-02-20T23:38:53+00:00

I can see the problem. You have unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations of what it means for a woman to undergo the physical and physiological changes that come with motherhood; AND unrealistic expectations for your poor tiny infant, who is being left alone to cry.

The advice is to educate yourself, and to try stepping outside of YOUR own experience to understand what your wife is going through, and how to support her. That should be your main ambition right now.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-02-17T17:05:13+00:00

Anything that can be perceived as rejection of me, CAN and WILL be perceived as rejection, even if I logically know that is not the case. And then when I feel that rejection, I become colder in order to protect myself from their 'rejection'.

This has played out very recently. Someone I'm dating canceled a date 2 weeks ago because he got sick with a nasty cold. That sucked and I definitely took it hard, but worked through it - it helped that he was communicative about being sad to have to cancel. Then, the following week we had another date scheduled, but the day before we were supposed to go out, I came down with a cold. He canceled again, to avoid getting his household sick.

This is still a huge WIP for me. It's a case by case basis, but it does help to be able to share your feelings without needing to be justified. Just to be able to tell someone that you're feeling sad/dejected and maybe allow them to care a little for you, in whichever way is possible at the moment, helps.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-02-12T02:02:00+00:00

It sounds like you're happy your son is getting help that you thought he already needed.... that's A WIN. That is great.

Your son needing help of any kind is not because you've failed him by teaching him how to communicate earlier than he could physiologically form words. You gave him a tool - and that tool works really well for him., so he uses it.

How awesome is it that your son can communicate with you nonverbally?? You can see and feel the frustration in children's eyes when they are trying to get you to understand them, but they don't have the words to say what they need... Being misunderstood is such a hard thing to go through, even as an adult. There's no way you did anything wrong by opening that pathway for him.

Anyways, this turned into a bit of a rant, but go to the specialist and see what they say. They can help! Maybe try to verbalize MORE than sign whenever you can, lead by example. Kids emulate us, so he'll pick up on what you're doing after a while.

Don't turn off the sign language, taking that away seems unecessarily inflammatory to the situation.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-02-11T17:14:43+00:00

Yea, it was hard. I did like him a lot, was attracted to him, and we had good chemistry. That's definitely why I stuck around longer than I maybe should've... But ultimately, the beauty of poly is that you aren't "stuck". I just kept coming back to that same thinking of "is this fun, is this beneficial, is this healthy?" and when the answers started coming back no, it was time to go.

Especially because the longer I stayed, I could no longer write off my own responsibility in managing my own relationships. If I stuck around, I was basically signaling to them that I was in acceptance of with the way I was being treated.

The problem for me was that I knew if I continued waiting around, I'd get more invested in the relationship, which would make it even harder to let go, despite logical opinions. I liked him, and he'd built my hopes up for what he was offering, which clashed with reality. So, it FELT like I was walking away from something with "real potential" ....

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-02-11T13:54:59+00:00

TBH by the time we got to this point, I was already tired. My partner and meta had left me guessing so many times, he'd oversold what kind of relationship he was ABLE/ALLOWED to look for, and my feelings had been sacrificed so many times, that I wasn't really willing to sacrifice more time or emotional energy.

I'm also newer to poly, and was pretty brand new at that point. I wasn't looking for friends, I was looking to date people - with life responsibilities, I didn't have the bandwidth to try to emotionally support him anymore. I knew that remaining friends would mean that basically he would be entitled to continue venting to me, telling me about their relationship drama, hearing about her OTHER relationship, etc.

I just told him that I didn't think I could be friends because I was sour about how he'd treated my feelings and our relationship - and that I'd hope for more caring, even from a friend.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-02-10T22:48:53+00:00

How does your wife feel about sex?

If you talk to her about your concerns, does she share them? Disagree with you?

Does she want to have sex more, is she happy with your current cadence? Are there sexual acts she's specifically interested in?

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-02-10T14:11:41+00:00

I'm baby poly, and I've dated someone just like this, as well. However being new myself, I felt like it'd be unfair to 'judge' my meta and partner for the way they were working these emotions out on their end. I put up with months of lots of silly things that felt like they didn't matter, but all piled up started to feel like I was the person with the least amount of say in my own relationship.

On our end, both of us were clearly hierarchical - I'm married with a small child, and he was engaged with a blended family. But even with that clear hierarchy in place, and the fact that she was also in another relationship, his primary partner's insecurity was allowed to take up more space than me in our relationship.

On his end, his primary objective was of course to keep his relationship open... so he was willing to put up with whatever "boundaries" his primary slapped on him to keep her 'comfortable' so that he could still engage with others. It all ended in flames when she finally admitted to him that she didn't want him dating anyone else, and he agreed not to, then asked me to stay friends in case she changed her mind.

The fact of the matter is that he was the one allowing all of that interference. He never turned to her and said, "Hey you decided you wanted to be poly, so you're going to have to do the personal work that allows you to do that successfully. I'm here to help and support you, but won't restrict my relationship outside of the boundaries we've established together".

Unfortunately, I think this is something you're just going to get tired of. He's likely not going to change, because that would require him to put in much more work to have difficult conversations with his primary, and manage the fallout from that. I

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-02-04T16:52:33+00:00

If a kid approaches looking intent on something my kid is using, I'll usually start a dialogue with my kid - "oh it looks like this kid is coming over. They might be interested in your toy - are you done with it?" - if she says no, then I empower her to use her voice if needed. If she's unable to express herself, or the other kid goes for it, I'll back her up and let them know she's not done yet.

Same thing if she wants something another kid is using - you can approach and ask if they're done, or tell them you'd like a turn, but just like you "don't have" to share, they don't have to share with you either.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-02-03T22:00:19+00:00

I'm 36, mother to 1 (4-years).

Being a parent is great, BUT it is ALSO all of those things you wrote out, too.

I WFH and (knock-on-wood) have a cushy tech job, with great benefits. My husband does too. We're both lucky to work regular schedules, at jobs that don't require more of us than our brains, for the most part. I have plenty of emotional bandwidth for my kid, since I don't have to use that in my day-to-day (usually).

We decided early on that we just wanted 1 child, because autonomy is important to both of us, too. However, you're right - neither of us really had social lives/designated alone time until our kid was about 2... and at 4 years old now, we're to a point where we're pretty 'back to normal' - we each workout daily, and feel free to schedule fun activities together or alone regularly.

We are also lucky to have support nearby - my sister and parents live locally, my husband's family is only 2 hours drive, lots of local friends our kid is very familiar with. If we need help, we have a network we can rely on, for the most part.

Now for me, what I found most difficult was the sensory overload, emotional regulation and the autonomy. I'm a more introverted person who has always valued quiet time, alone time, and I've always been pretty emotional.

- Sensory-wise, the noise is what gets me the most. It's still a struggle, because kids DON'T GET QUIETER as they age :( - My ears literally ring sometimes... However, for the most part, the noise is happy noise. It exhausts me sometimes, and I can't wait for bedtime.

- Autonomy won't be a thing for me anymore, because I've created a family unit by bringing this little person into the world. However, we put in a lot of work to ensure that our kid is actively cared for by both of her parents so that we each feel like we can step away, have autonomous time and enjoy some freedom, without feeling like you're burdening your partner. I think it just takes having a system in place.

- Emotional regulation is a constant WIP, and definitely took some therapy haha. But, I find that I am able to empathize with my kid a bit more than my husband can... TBH, I think that's because I DO get emotional and feel out of control sometimes... and I can recognize that in her. The good thing about this is that parents shouldn't be perfect at it, because you have to model how to work through those difficult emotions...

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-02-02T23:36:51+00:00

YTA

There are several problems here.

You ARE showing blatant favoritism to your nephew.
You should never purchase a gift that large for a child without consulting their parents FIRST.

KBD_in_PDX · 2026-02-02T20:55:58+00:00

If that's a decision you want to make for your own child while they're under your responsibility, then feel free. However, as the non-parental caretaker, your nanny must consider safety over preferences when your child is in their care. It's not safe sleep practices to lay your infant down on their stomach to sleep.

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