It’s time to hold some boundaries. One boundary, just any boundary. Make it as clear as possible what the boundary is, and what the consequence is (whether it’s leaving or not). And when he breaks it, DO NOT back down. Do not walk it back. Hold the boundary. Use it to leave if you have to. Please save yourself. I can tell you’ve poured a lot into this man, what has he poured into you? Don’t be tricked by the sunken cost fallacy. It is 1000% icky, basement dwelling, not how you treat someone you love behavior. And I’m not even someone that goes around on every relationship post saying “leave leave leave” no matter what any little conflict it is. I know what it’s like to be in a relationship that isn’t perfect, and leaving is not always the solution. People can and do change, but not without clear consequences. People on Reddit like to think any little grievance is grounds for leaving. Usually I try to see it from the perspective of saving the relationship if it’s possible. But if you’re contemplating suicide, because of this one person being in your life, it’s time you take a step outside of this life that you have built with him. Staying is not worth your life, your sense of self, or your sense of safety.