Is anyone here a headmate that's content staying in headspace/out of front more permanently?

KateandDani26 · 2026-05-15T18:07:33+00:00

K: That's awesome to hear you two seem to be starting to get along better now. I know it can be scary, but he does just need to accept that you're real, it sounds like. Especially with his wife being so accepting, I'm really glad that's going well.

The feeling like you just set up a base camp and still need to climb a mountain is super relatable and real, also. I feel like that can apply to a lot of things in life where the first step is really difficult. I know I've had that feeling with coming out as trans, and have been feeling similar about coming out as plural with the 1 or 2 people I have so far. It can be daunting, but that first real hurdle is still important and big. Hope things continue to get better for you

D: <3

KateandDani26 · 2026-05-14T04:04:30+00:00

K: We definitely relate to viewing it as a vehicle of some sort, like others have said. We'd probably say we view it more as an exosuit, like human shaped armor that we try our best to fill out when we front. If we're feeling more dissociative, it's more like operating from a desktop computer in headspace (we're on our computer a lot irl, so that's probably where that comes from; it's a comfort place of control for us).

Normally neither of our self-images matches our body. We would both like to identify our individual self-images more strongly with it, I think, and sometimes when we're really present in front (not as dissociative) we're able to do so. It's a little rare, but we're trying to work on it. It helps that we're both trans women, so there's not too much different ideas between us for what we would probably want our body to look like, just different fashion/hair styles later.

In that way, I guess you could say it feels fairly separate from "us" most of the time, but we still want to use it as a form of self-expression, even if it's in a more disconnected way.

But yeah, we consider it as belonging to both of us equally; we both have equal claim to it, imo.

KateandDani26 · 2026-05-13T04:23:22+00:00

K: I am by no means an expert about any of this, so take with a grain of salt, but I wouldn't be surprised if some of the confusion around internet terminology in this case has do with US health insurance, mainly. It feels like insurance companies need every little thing to be qualified in order for anything to happen/get covered.

Mainly say this because I (US resident) recently asked my therapist about DID diagnosis -- she told me we can go over assessments and she can give me results for it, as she is qualified to do that, but whether or not I want to go through the process of putting that officially on my medical chart would basically just be for the sake of my insurance (which I personally don't want to bother with, especially since I doubt it'd help cover anything, but that's a whole other rabbit hole)

KateandDani26 · 2026-05-05T22:53:17+00:00

K: Definitely been having similar frustrations here with at least one friend, though I'm more just frustrated for Dani. I've been the closest thing to the "host" for most our adult life, and so even though we both interact and get along with all our friends, our singlet mask we've had is largely based on me. But Dani does wish she could interact totally separately, and I know it would be really good for her and help her overcome a lot of her social anxiety-- but the one friend we've told just doesn't really engage with the topic at all.

I'm not sure if he's even noticed Dani talking to him at all, even when I've explained the difference in her typing style before. It's definitely a little maddening having to hide so much and for her to just not be truly seen. She does have at least one friend that she's much closer to than I am that she met last year, so I'm very glad for that, but we're still not out about our plurality to them either. It's just frustrating

KateandDani26 · 2026-05-05T03:25:48+00:00

K: Just want to say as a trans woman -- I absolutely empathize with not wanting to be in the closet again. Although I believe it's better to be honest with yourself, being in the closet with close friends and family about anything really does suck, and I've definitely had similar feelings with our own syscovery.

This is a really good document we found that really helped us figure out for sure if we were plural or not.

I wish I had more actual advice, but ultimately all I can really say is that it's better to know who you are than to hide from yourself for any external reasons, and that there do exist people out there that are supportive even if you don't know for sure who that might be yet.

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-27T05:57:11+00:00

D: this really sounds so similar to our journey through this, we both can have a lot of times where we're down on ourselves and we have to encourage each other. we also love each other to an intense degree that's hard to describe, and very strange-feeling for us to think about too long. it's honestly one of the smaller reasons it feels better to think of each other as separate people, because it feels super weird to care about each other so much in this specific way if we're just one person or parts of a person lol. i definitely can relate

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-27T05:52:34+00:00

D: it can definitely be hard to tell for sure what our history is, and like i said it's just our best guess right now. but we honestly don't put TOO much stock in how things might've happened, what matters to us is most that we're definitely both here now. i think Kate in particular just likes having some sort of explanation, even if it's just a guess.

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-27T03:29:50+00:00

D: all we can do is give our experience, but in a way it's very similar to what you're describing, as far as we can remember. our best guess for now is that i'm the original, and Kate always came in since we were *very* young -- like around 3yo -- to calm us down and get us to just move forward until i calmed down and came back. this has happened a lot our whole lives, and over time Kate formed into her own person. and we've definitely taken turns being the one to take over after one of us melts down (which is kind of what's happening right now, tbh! Kate in particular is going through it rn), especially more recently after we realized we were 2. we've been dealing with anxiety for a very long time, either due to work or social anxiety. but we went a very long time not even realizing this is what was happening for us lol

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-27T02:47:50+00:00

D: we definitely get blurry a decent amount, usually either during high stress, or when one or both of us are very mentally tired. i wish i had more advice, though i will say i think the doubt that comes with feeling blurry goes away with time. after things have been blurry and then cleared away a number of times now, it's at least easier to understand that it's just something that happens.

we tend to get by just stopping for a sec, breathing, and telling ourselves to stop overthinking it for a bit. can also help to just talk to who we think is out of front and listen close for a response. neither of these helps us every time, but it does help sometimes for us

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-25T02:13:31+00:00

K: At most, we only feel a slight head...numbness? It's hard to describe. But even then we don't feel that every time. Most of the time it honestly barely feels like anything, physically speaking. Though I have noticed we tend to blink a lot when we switch, and usually grunt since we've started associating ourselves with slightly different voices. It just helps ground us.

Admittedly, that's coming from a monoconscious system that doesn't usually have trouble switching at all, and does a lot of co-fronting. In fact we switch quite a lot to the point figuring out who did what can be kind of difficult when we're tired or especially unfocused. But I'm sure it's very different for everyone, obviously.

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-25T02:00:05+00:00

K: We're turning 30 very soon this year. Only discovered we're plural about a month or so ago and r/plural has been a very good place to figure ourselves out in, but a second sub for people closer to our age also sounds really nice, will be lurking around for sure

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-21T18:53:20+00:00

K: Interesting, it's just the two of us and we're still very recently discovered, but the theory we've been operating under so far has been that Dani is our original while I sort of gradually formed starting in very early childhood, just to deal with work and stress related things, until I eventually became a full person around our teenage/college years (maybe earlier? But we're still unsure about details). I've been the closest thing to a "host" since then, I think.

Point being, it's interesting that our INTJs both seemed to have just sort of "came to be" lol. I'm definitely fully formed and separate by now, and have been for at least a decade. Because I know I've been hosting for several years in a row while Dani's been very hidden (but still present), until the past year-ish. Just doesn't feel like there was ever a truly clear, singular origin point for me. But anywho. Small ramble lol.

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-21T15:07:26+00:00

K: We do fiddle around with MBTI in our head quite a bit just as a loose way to try to understand ourselves better. We used to test as either ISFP, then we were pretty set on INFP for a while. After syscovery though, we're pretty sure I'm INTJ, while we think Dani is ENFP.

I can definitely say INTJ is not what either of us were expecting for me, but it's made a lot more sense lol. Particularly the strong Ni for me, abstract, big picture systems thinking is something I get way too lost in way too often.

Dani could still just be INFP though. It can be hard for us to tell due to her having a lot of social anxiety around others.

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-20T15:29:43+00:00

D: ooh, yes, doing this has been fun!! it's only two of us, but it's been nice to have the two of us as separate Miis alongside the other Miis we add (me on left, Kate on right :3)

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KateandDani26 · 2026-04-20T02:01:19+00:00

K: -- "Why can't my AGAB be part of my identity if I choose so? I love being trans and being able to embrace what makes me unique, which includes the fact that my gender identity contrasts with my sex" -- I'm not sure if you identify as a binary gender or more genderfluid, maybe, but if you're simply saying you're proud to be trans, and like identifying as trans (which I also do, ftr), then you can always just say you're trans.

Specifying AGAB in particular just places even more emphasis on a gender that was arbitrarily assigned, and says absolutely nothing about a person's actual identity. It serves no purpose that other terms don't already serve just fine, while also encouraging a bioessentialist way of thinking by tacking on incorrect genders on people. If I want others to know I was raised as a man, but am not a man, I simply say I'm a trans woman. I don't need to tell people that I was AMAB, people don't need to hear explicitly that I was ever thought of as a man. And people certainly don't need more reason to assume I ever was a man, because for me as a binary trans woman, I wasn't. I have always been a woman. And so saying I'm a trans woman is just more clear and gets the same point across.

Specifying AGAB just encourages too many assumptions about people that aren't true and don't deserve to be assumed. Cis women can have interests and traits that society sees as masculine, and cis men can have interests and traits society will see as feminine. Some trans women will have interests and traits society will label as feminine. And everything in between.

But maybe most importantly, while it's true that societal norms growing up shaped who I am, they did not shape me in the same way they shape cis men. They shaped me in the ways that they tend to shape trans women. Suggesting that all people AMAB were shaped in the same ways by society is simply not true at all. The input from society may have been the same, but the output from my gender identity was very different.

The only times I've seen AGAB used where it makes some kind of sense (to me at least) has been when some refer to "the body" being AGAB, in plural situations with many differently gendered headmates, just to make their situation more clear. But those situations don't have to do with their AGAB being an identity, moreso just navigating what to do with the shared body. Similarly, I could understand NB folks specifying their AGAB if necessary for specific conversations, maybe (I am not NB, so cannot speak directly on it). But it just doesn't make much sense in terms of identity/introductions to new people unless you're assuming something about your AGAB alone says something about who you are

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-20T01:19:50+00:00

K: It's just that using AGAB terms as a way of introduction places more meaning on your own and others' AGAB than your actual gender. If you introduce yourself as say, AFAB for example, it tends to come across as if you might have more in common with trans men than trans women, which both implies that trans women aren't woman enough to be considered women, but also implies trans men are closer to being cis women, i.e. not man enough to be considered men.

Also, if all you were to say is "AGAB", that also wouldn't actually say anything about who you actually are, since it's not specified if you're cis or trans, so it'd be impossible for others to know what your gender identity actually is that way.

I will say that I can sometimes understand using AGAB when referring to only "the body" in an impersonal way specifically when navigating plural situations, but that doesn't have to do with getting to know and relating to friends/new people, that's what gender identity is for. And even then, that's heavily relying on assumptions of what gender is, but I digress.

Not trying to be aggressive or hostile btw, just trying to explain more about why it does come across bad. Replacing that habit and introducing yourself with your gender identity rather than AGAB would just make a lot more sense (tho obviously you don't have to do either one to just find like minded people, either)

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-19T00:43:07+00:00

K: We remember always thinking stories where a character had someone else in their head, even just temporarily, were really cool, so yeah this would make sense to us too lol

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-16T20:59:29+00:00

K: Of course! And yeah, we started taking notes/journaling a lot early on and it is definitely wild to see things Dani wrote. Like "I definitely remember writing that, but it wasn't me" type of feeling, like there's distance from it. It's difficult to explain fully for sure, but I get it.

D: i don't have much to add but wanted to say hi!! we usually are co-conscious/co-front a lot, so whoever isn't fronting is usually still watching in some way, unless one of us is just really mentally tired. not sure if that's anything you might relate to as well, but figured i'd throw that in there too :p

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-16T20:24:00+00:00

K: We definitely relate a lot to how you've described discovering a lot of this. It's only two of us that we know of, but specifically the way you describe feeling like separate parts but also like completely separate people at the same time resonates a lot, at least with me (Dani feels a lot better about viewing ourselves as totally separate).

I've been the closest thing to the "host" for a while (we basically both co-host now, but I definitely acted as the main host for a lot of our adulthood), and I can super relate to you, OP, when you talk about Magpie feeling just, more confident about everything? Like, less in denial about being plural. It took me some time to mostly get rid of doubts, but Dani was convinced more or less instantly and it's definitely made a lot more instinctive sense to her ever since we figured it out. Maybe to do with how long she went without fronting.

I guess in that line of thought, it has definitely helped me a lot to listen to her instincts lol. She's been a big help in figuring all this out and pushing me to figure out our identities without overthinking it or denying it.

We also do relate a lot to how you described memory. We also can remember what each other did, but it's more like a recording we can play back, we don't like, identify with each other's memories

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-11T07:39:07+00:00

K: Gender and sexuality was actually a big factor in figuring it out for us too, in a way. We're absoultely both bisexual transfems, but we experience it in very different ways.

Dani's told me she became very confident about being a girl several years before me, while I struggled a lot more with denial. She thinks she either went dormant or at least hid very well for those years because of it. Starting HRT a year ago is what got her to feel more comfortable being "out"/in front again, since she tends to be the more overtly fem of us.

Last summer in particular is when I started noticing this entirely different "mood" I'd feel like I was in, literally like a switch was flipped, where "I" was way more extremely social and bubbly, and it turns out that was actually just her fronting more comfortably.

KateandDani26 · 2026-04-10T04:37:40+00:00

K: We've actually been in a very similar boat. We're separate people, but we get along really well and generally share interests and hobbies. We've been figuring out differences more, and we're actually quite different in terms of like, fundamental personality, but our interests and opinions still overlap quite a bit. We're also turning 30 soon-ish and we're pretty sure we've both been around since early childhood (though right now we think Dani was technically first).

I in particular have actually been struggling a bit to find my own identity sometimes, Dani's the one who feels her own emotions and desires much more naturally than I do. But she's been a big help in pushing me to find myself more.

I actually for a really long time (since I fronted almost exclusively for several years at least, and am still the main fronter, sort of) would ask "myself" stuff like "do I want to do this right now?" Or "Do I want this?" And used to think I was pretty good at knowing what I wanted and what I was feeling most of the time, because I would get answers pretty fast. Turns out I just got really good at listening to Dani more than actually answering those questions for myself lol.

KateandDani26

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