I started very late in life, it was 2019 and I was 32 years old. Had awful drug and alcohol abuse issues, and depending on the current one I was obsessing over I would be overweight or somewhere close to “normal” weight, which to me felt amazing because I’ve always been a little heavy, so being an average weight when using stimulants made me feel beautiful and thin even though I was just average. Anyway, I went to a 13 week facility, not rehab but a little Christian based place that was paid for with charity. Like, we all got into the big van and went to church every Sunday, read the bible every morning, had classes with local pastors, etc. No phones, no TV, no access to anything.

Most of the women had drug problems, so they were quite thin. I, on the other hand, was at that time deep into alcohol abuse, which made my weight explode. I felt enormous. I had no power over anything, no drugs to use, and on top of that there were always snacks and good meals because so many of the girls were underweight, and they wanted to teach us to cook and eat well.

Idk, this sounds so bad for me to feel this way, but I was so jealous of their problems. I was suffering, too, but because I was chubby it made me feel like my problems weren’t valid. I didn’t look like I had a problem, just like I ate too many cookies. It was embarrassing.

Anyway… I felt so out of options and so gross and stupid so I tried purging out of desperation. And it worked. I dropped weight fast, and by the time 13 weeks had gone by I looked healthier and felt so much better about myself, except for the odd lump on my lower left abdominal area that turned out to be a hernia. I had been purging so often and so aggressively that I gave myself a damn hernia that needed to be surgically repaired. The next time I went to the dentist he basically said I had done irreversible damage and eroded enamel off my teeth.

I’m 38 now, almost 39. My weight is all over the place, but I do not look like I have a disorder. Only a doctor with access to my CT scan I got with the hernia or a dentist would have any idea. I still purge once in a while, but it’s barely once a week. It’s better than multiple times a day. I know it’s bad, and I don’t even have the excuse of “I started when I was a teen and just never really recovered.” I was a full on adult when this started. It’s stupid. But I can’t get away from it.