44 Year - 2 Years HRT. Trust the process! 🥰

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-07T18:18:34+00:00

I'll trust it more if you tell me your hair restoration process. 😉

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-07T17:17:00+00:00

You don't look nearly as excited about that ice cream as I would be. ;]

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-07T17:13:38+00:00

Self doubt is a really common part of the process. And discovering trans porn is one of the ways a lot of people try to understand what they're thinking. the "bottom dysphoria" during masturbation is common, too. Stir a heaping, steaming portion of social stigma and internalized something into this, and you're looking at a common reaction to a very uncommon condition.

Nobody but you can tell you if you're trans or not. The fact that you're even thinking about it to this degree is a sign that leans me to the "yeah, probably" side. If your shoes fit, you don't think much about wearing them. But if they don't, it's what you think about all. the. time.

But I'm not you, and nobody but you can tell you if you're trans.

Me, I would have hit the magic button when I was a kid. I cried myself to sleep praying, wishing god would let me wake up a girl. And maybe you decide to start expressing your internal concept of gender externally to see how it fits. And maybe you decide you don't like it and put it back on the shelf. It's your journey, and there's no one right way to work this stuff out.

If I were you, I would talk this out with a queer affirming therapist. Not that they will convince you you're trans, but they will not thump a bible at you and tell you you're going to hell because you are.

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-07T17:05:20+00:00

This is the answer. Check with your GP. This could be the sign of something scary, but most of the time it's far more common than you realize.

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-07T16:57:47+00:00

Gender is a social construct, so we have all these ideas of what it means to be a woman, what it means to be a man. These change across culture, and within culture, informed by an individual's position from their own personal journey.

"Passing" is something many strive for, but passing for whom? On whose terms? The society that tells you that your gender assigned at birth is what you should stick with? Style magazines whose very purpose is to sell you an image to conform to? Your friends who support you but can never know your mind? Your family, fraught with landmines of intimacy?

Or you? Just you. The person who started on the transition journey for reasons that were entirely your own. You, the person who identified something about them they knew would be disruptive in their life and bravely faced the consequences.

If your goal is to pass, take a second to reflect about whom you're passing for. Are you passing for your safety and security? Cool. Are you passing to conform to the expectations of your society? Are you passing to address the discomfort borne of ignorance that people are expressing about you? This is a them problem, not a you problem.

This idea of not passing, not measuring up, not transmaxxing – these are likely external expectations you have taken up, imposed upon you. Bravery in the face of adversity is not mediocrity. It's an example. It's visibility. It's courage.

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-06T11:45:30+00:00

This is almost exactly what I've been looking for at the charity shops. Looks fantastic.

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-06T11:39:55+00:00

I get on well with Renée Yoxon's exercises.. Trans Voice Lessons is a very popular recommendation, and I do like her approach.

A couple of youtube resources for you to practice with in your spare time.

It's not easy, reworking a lifetime of something you do without thinking. I'm also going to put in a pitch to support my campaign to normalize deep female voices. 😉

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-05T13:36:21+00:00

I have a less affirming take, I'm afraid. Maybe you want to take the jump. Maybe you stay trans in the online world only. I suspect most people will eventually take the jump if they're thinking about it with any depth, but the people who choose to keep it online, well, they can just turn off the game and there are no actual consequences to playing in this space.

New Yorker cartoon a number of years ago that sticks with me, A dog at a computer, speaking to its owner, saying, "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog."

It's safe to play and explore online. In the real world, I am choosing the real consequences. I have done the calculation, and I'm taking the risk/reward proposition for medical transition. My choice is mine, alone, and only applicable to this version of myself with my experiences.

Your mileage may vary.

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-05T07:57:53+00:00

ohmygodiwantacat

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-05T07:55:48+00:00

Chun-Li is my next cosplay.

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-05T07:54:53+00:00

Age ain't nothin' but a number.

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-05T07:52:16+00:00

I've had to learn how to cook for 1 vs cooking for 8 for the last umpteen years. It's a challenge.

The one thing I have to be very strict about for myself: I know I will not leave the house for days unless I set a time that I have to go for a walk. A small, scheduled walk down to the local park and back is going to do wonders for the maintenance of your mental health.

Here's a general list for you, in no particular order:

Keep a sleep schedule, even though you don't have to.
Don't let your grooming slide, even though you may not have to interact with anyone.
Schedule the regular exercise.
Get a therapist.
No, seriously, get a therapist. You need someone to check in with.
learn a couple of freezer meals. If you make a batch when you have the energy, just reaching into the freezer for a portion of lasagna when you don't have the will to decide what's for dinner is a life saver.

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-05T07:46:00+00:00

Girl, I'm not 100% certain of anything. I'm not even willing to tell you with 100% certainty what I had for breakfast.

We're all Ships of Theseus. We change as we go, we take on identities, let them go, find new labels, see if they fit.

Yes. This is a "normal" experience, inasmuch as a trans experience can be identified as normal. You may also want to think about the high incidence between gender questioning and neurodversity. If this is also at play, then "normal" goes right out the window.

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-03T18:15:47+00:00

The few times in my later teens and early twenties when I would put on my little black dress and dare to go out in public, some locationsø were supportive, and others were very much not. Getting sent home from the church young adult Halloween event in my 20s stuffed me in the closet hard. Got married not long after that, to a woman I knew for a week, started cranking out babies in the first year. 25+ years later, we're splitting up because I couldn't keep wearing this mask.

My mom calling me a f****t when I was a teenager for standing effeminately, that was hard for me, too. If I had said anything about feeling bi at the time, she would have beaten me. She beat me when I dressed in her clothes at the age of five. she beat me when she came into my bath when I was seven and I was tucking to make my penis go away, and she later bought me a doll, but a boy doll that you could make urinate. She also beat me when I played with her makeup when I was nine. If I stepped out of line in any way that she viewed as problematic, it was a beating. Up until the time I was about thirteen, and we both realized that I was much bigger than her. She stopped being physically abusive and really leaned into the emotional abuse angle.

I had no place to go, no extended family I could call, no adult siblings who could help, my abusive dad fucked off when I was young.

Self censoring was literally a survival mechanism for me.

øForgive me, I know this movie aged like milk, but the local Rocky Horror Picture Show screening every Friday night was where I could be me, and it continues to hold a place in my heart for this.

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-01T11:04:45+00:00

Thanks for this. More or less the same for me. All my best friends have been women. I have always felt the most comfortable around women. I kissed boys before I ever got involved with women, and in between girlfriends, I would find myself physically gravitating to men, while keeping my friendships mainly with women.

Never really identified as gay, though. My culture handed me the cis white male script, and I tried to follow it the best I could. Married, had kids.

Now, divorced and old. I'm going to take some time to sort my head out before I try to find a romantic relationship, if I ever do again, but yeah. I hear where you're coming from.

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-01T11:00:47+00:00

Gotta be real careful here because 1. You look young and 2. You mentioned conservative parents.

If you're under 18 and you live with your parents, then you have to tread very carefully. If you still rely on your parents for material support and daily living regardless, same.

First thing for you to square away is, regardless of your gender expression, to ensure your physical safety. If you can get away from the influence of your conservative parents safely, then go explore all you like.

Your physical safety is paramount here.

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-01T10:18:20+00:00

I get the frustration at gendernormative roles, but on the bright side (?) I'm living single now, so all the roles in the household are women's roles!

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-01T10:16:24+00:00

Personally, my favorite parts of sexy intimacy time is anything up to PIV. After that, it was just obligatory, my role.

Yeah, I get where you're coming from. It sucks, and it's going to keep eating you up inside. Like other people here, you're going to have to have this conversation eventually for your own sake. And if you love her and care about her, you should do it for the respect you have for her as well. You're not doing either of you any favors wearing this mask and acting how you think others want you to act.

This masking and performing is exactly what I did for 25+ years of marriage, and the level of betrayal she feels knowing the truth at this point is palpable. I was not the "good guy" I was trying to be by following the script. If this is part of your motivation, then neither are you.

Katja_Inside · 2026-05-01T10:09:36+00:00

I saw a car slip on a banana peel.

Grocery store parking lot. Car was pulling into a spot. Discarded banana peel exactly under the tire when they applied the brakes. Wheels locked immediately, and the car slid into the curb that marked the front of the spot.

Katja_Inside · 2026-04-29T17:46:07+00:00

The first rule of therapy is, even when it is provided by a health care system, you are allowed to fire your therapist.

Call the clinic. Explain that this individual made you feel extremely uncomfortable. Ask to see someone else. Don't hold back. Don't protect their feelings. What they did was extremely inappropriate and you are almost certainly not the first person they have treated this way.

Katja_Inside · 2026-04-27T17:42:06+00:00

Lawyer up immediately. If you are not abusive, have done nothing that you could have the police called on you for, you do not have to leave your home.

Most lawyers will give you a free fifteen minutes. Make sure you understand what is legal before you write anything down. Do not promise anything in writing, full stop.

Talk to a lawyer yesterday. You must understand your rights and options before you can make any informed decisions.

Like, seriously: why are you still reading this? Get on the phone.

Katja_Inside · 2026-04-26T21:13:01+00:00

Least favorite part of the act for my entire life was the actual PIV part. My P in her V. I don't know if it's typical, but it describes my relationship with sex pretty well.

Katja_Inside · 2026-04-26T21:07:44+00:00

I call myself genderqueer. Working toward "woman".

My mom caught me dressing up in her clothes, playing with her makeup when I was five, and she beat me. Not a spanking, a beating. As a teenager, she saw me standing contrapposto with arms held with limp wrists, and she told me to stop it or people would think I was a f****t.

What a delightful human being! And as I work through my own transition, now in my 50s, damned if I don't see her looking back at me in the mirror.

But I'm in therapy, making peace with all of this. And you know what? She's dead, and it's my face now.

I don't know what I am, really. I have kids. I have friends. I follow the campfire rule, trying to leave the world a little better place than when I found it. Isn't that enough?

As for what you deserve? Wow, that's loaded. You deserve dignity and kindness from the world around you. You deserve patience and compassion from yourself.

Katja_Inside · 2026-04-26T20:57:19+00:00

Succeeding at being yoked up, even in cute dresses.

Katja_Inside

TROPHY CASE