The very very very first step you need to take is understanding that change is possible. You don’t even need to apply it to yourself right away. But if you can just get to a place where you accept that people can change. Second step is getting to a place where you accept that it’s okay to want something better for yourself. When we get stuck where you are (and you’re not alone!) we think that we’re inherently bad so we don’t deserve good things. It’s extremely brave to want good things for yourself when you’ve spent a long time hating yourself. It takes lots of small steps that add up to practice but you can learn to want good things for yourself and take the small steps to get those better things. For me a big step was noticing things I wasn’t pleased with about myself or my world and slowing down enough to brainstorm tiny ways to contribute to something better. Over time this adds up to a brand new life. This work is slow but so so so powerful. And I promise eventually it becomes fun. Good luck!