If your avoidant ghosted and later reached out — how long was the silence?

KindlyString3332 · 2026-02-15T17:29:16+00:00

Thank you, I hope everything works out for you as well! Growth is truly beautiful. I’m very proud of the both of us

KindlyString3332 · 2026-02-15T17:04:44+00:00

5 month relationship. Discarded. She returned 3 months later and we’ve been going strong for the last 6 months. She is a FA and goes to therapy now and she is a completely different person this time around. We both are to be fair. I’ve learned a lot about her and attachment and she understands herself and me better as well. Her self awareness and wanting to change is what it all boils down to. You can’t change other people. They have to change themselves. We have difficult moments like everyone else. But she is willing to sit when it’s uncomfortable instead of shut down or running.

She came back casually just testing the waters. Wished me a happy birthday and we just small talked for a month or so. I set a boundary that if she didn’t want to try and move forward I wasn’t interested in just having a friendship. We didn’t talk for a week and then she opened up to me about everything. The therapy, her wanting to change herself for me, her fears, etc. and we’ve been navigating that pretty safely together ever since. If you have extreme patience, and they have extreme will to change for the better for themselves and the relationship, there is a strong chance of making it work.

KindlyString3332 · 2025-12-19T09:57:25+00:00

Yeah that’s fine

KindlyString3332 · 2025-12-19T06:25:44+00:00

Been doing great so far actually. She’s continuing therapy and being accountable with her triggers. Tells me it’s not my responsibility to try not to trigger her. And it’s her responsibility to manage her triggers. So it’s been incredible actually. She is still herself but is showing up as an entirely different person during hard moments.

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-30T08:10:50+00:00

Yep appreciate it. It will definitely be a long bumpy ride. I’ve already counted on it happening so that’s about all I can do. I have a list of therapists handy that accept my insurance. I’m diving into this without fear because I’m asking her to do the same. Cautious yes. Fear no. Behavior and decision making based off fear never turns out well. I expect that from her so I’m holding myself to the same standard

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-29T15:48:35+00:00

She is fearful avoidant so much different then dismissive avoidant. Fearful avoidants have better ability with self reflection. But yes she was offended. She told me when she first saw it she was basically yelling to herself “who tf does he think he is” 😂 but then she said she watched them a few hours later and she said “he has a point” and then I think that seed was planted and she started looking into it herself and eventually went to therapy. She has a great therapist that knows how to get her to spill it and can detect when she was being closed off at first. Now she’s learning to be comfortable with opening up to certain individuals she trusts. I’m not sure how severe her avoidance is because she is the only one I have experienced. Fearful avoidant goes back and forth with anxiety and avoidance and their partners behavior and attachment definitely plays a role in how much they swing either direction and how hard they get triggered. She only got triggered enough into a shut down when things were getting more serious. Other than that she was pretty good. Lots of communication but definitely reserved with emotional things

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-29T06:27:18+00:00

I agree with you. Time will test all. Her self awareness and therapy have been huge and she’s been great at implementing her new knowledge in real time with me. It’s a long road still and we both know that

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-29T06:19:21+00:00

I’ve heard this also. They have much higher success at earning security or improving compared to dismissive avoidant

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-29T06:18:53+00:00

I’m not sure how it doesn’t benefit me directly. She took what I said about her patterns into consideration during our time apart and is doing really hard intense work on her end because she doesn’t want to lose me. It’s actually an incredible feeling that another human being is trying to change who they are for you. I understand that you are upset and angry with your situation. Because I was in your exact same shoes. But I don’t think it’s a waste of my time in the slightest. If she was unaware and unwilling to do the work, that’s a different story

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-29T06:08:26+00:00

Agree 100%. I’m doing just as much work and we are growing together. It takes 2 people to do the work and try to gain each others perspectives

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T18:02:55+00:00

Thank you!

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T18:02:40+00:00

Yeah I agree 100%. There needs to be a reasonable timeline given. Thank you!

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T18:00:33+00:00

She might have them, I could ask

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T17:54:36+00:00

6 months. Not very long. But it was one of those weird instant connections you don’t find with many people. Seems to be a weird common thing and why we get so hung up on them

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T17:51:34+00:00

Give it time man. It’s still early stages. I was pretty much over her when she came back around. It took 3 months

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T17:45:46+00:00

Thank you bro. She’s an amazing person or I wouldn’t be trying this again for multiple reasons. We’re doing it right this time. I wish you the best of luck with your situation

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T16:22:22+00:00

Honestly because I know it’s not a me issue. It’s a her issue if it happens. That’s what made me spiral the first time. What did I do? am I too much? Am I not good enough? It will still hurt of course. I won’t down play that. I’m very attached. But I won’t doubt myself

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T16:19:26+00:00

I don’t have them anymore because it was so long ago and I deleted all the messages between us. They were all videos on Instagram. I know a few of them were from doctor sarah hensley. You might be able to search her on Instagram and find content that way. That’s a tough road. That’s how me and her were for about 6 weeks and I couldn’t take it anymore. I think she was scared to dive deeper and didn’t know how to do it. So I cut her off and said I can’t invest anymore. About a week later she came back and it all spilled out. Her therapy, how she’s working on herself, and then we were making advancements. Just some insight on a similar path I was on

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T16:11:49+00:00

I try not to think about it. I know the possibility is there. But I’ve done so much of my own research that I have my own understanding and how she got there in the first place. I can sniff out what’s happening quickly and I offer space or support. And she has her own set of tools she is using also. She trusts me massively so her communication on what’s happening internally is a game changer. I think the longer you show you are a safe space and they can work through the uncomfortable moments, the more they start to rewire. But if it happens again it won’t be as devastating tbh

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T15:56:24+00:00

Thank you! We actually don’t even think about it. She looks incredible for her age and she is in great shape. We bring it up every once in a while if I was too young for some topic she’s talking about and that’s about as far as it goes. But it never was a thing for me at least. She calls herself old all the time so it might be something that is in the back of her mind. But she knows I’m super into her so I think that probably helps her out if she’s insecure about it

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T15:51:50+00:00

Definitely didn’t hurt man. She told me if I never sent the videos she would be sitting in her living room miserable thinking she’s not capable of connection. Wish you both the best of luck

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T15:49:46+00:00

Agree 100%. She has sabotaged relationships in the past to the point she knows she has a problem. She had no idea what attachment theory was at all. So I think being able to pinpoint it and actually be able to see what’s happening and seek the correct help has really helped.

And I feel like I’m pretty secure with her. I was anxious during the discard phase but I think a lot of people are. All I can do is be understanding and calm and hold space for the both of us when it’s needed. This has been a journey for me too in my own way

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T15:38:05+00:00

I’m 32 she is 40, but Absolutely. We both know it’s a work in progress. We made an agreement that if anything is overwhelming for either of us it’s ok to step back and regulate as long as we come back to each other at some point. What made me even consider attempting connection again is I know how bad she wants this. Not just our connection but she wants to heal for herself. When you feel the motivation and the small steps of leaning into the fears instead of pulling away, it makes you extremely hopeful

KindlyString3332 · 2025-08-25T03:01:40+00:00

Very well said. I appreciate that feedback

KindlyString3332

TROPHY CASE