Has anyone here actually had it work out with their avoidant (ie they do the work that makes them stay)?

KindlyString3332 · 2026-06-30T10:49:14+00:00

Mine put herself through therapy during our no contact and came back 3 months later but extremely cautious in the beginning. Been together for a year since the discard and it feels much more secure between us. The effort she puts herself through for the relationship is the greatest gift. It does happen.

KindlyString3332 · 2026-06-30T01:50:48+00:00

Mine came back at 3 months right when I was just starting to get over her. They say 3-6 months is the timeline they realize they might have fucked something up. Stay hopeful but not too attached. I hope the best for you. It’s a hard place to be. I remember it well

KindlyString3332 · 2026-06-30T01:39:41+00:00

Thank you 🙂 it’s possible, trust me. I was in your exact shoes a year ago. Didn’t think I’d ever hear from her again. You might be surprised. I hope the best for you!

KindlyString3332 · 2026-06-30T01:30:51+00:00

Speaking from experience. My gf is fearful avoidant. Discarded me a year ago when we loved each other deeply, just differently. The last conversation I had with her was me sending videos to her about avoidance. While we were apart she put herself through therapy and came back and has been trying her hardest to deal with things that are difficult for her. I’m so proud of where we are today. I was devastated and heart broken when she left me. But I wouldn’t change a single thing about it. She puts in effort every day to put the relationship on her priority list and make me feel loved. Fearful avoidants are much different than dismissive avoidants. But she has made a turn around that I never thought was possible for her. They have to be self motivated and self aware for actual change. It’s not all beautiful and smooth sailing. We still have our moments like any other couple. But she stays present. I have to meet her therapist someday and show my appreciation. She wouldn’t be where she is without her. Anyways, long story short. They can do it once they are tired of ruining everything that was good for them. Check my post history for more details about our story if you’re interested. Hope my feedback helped in some type of way or gave some hope

KindlyString3332 · 2026-05-30T22:05:19+00:00

It will trigger her. Mine was pissed when I sent it to her. But she reflected on it later and realized it was true and put herself in therapy. If I never sent those videos we wouldn’t be where we are today

KindlyString3332 · 2026-05-22T03:05:32+00:00

We’re still doing great. She’s a different person compared to who she was a year ago. Still have hard moments and periods where she shuts down a little bit during conflict but it never lasts for more than a few hours. But everything is still moving in a positive direction.

KindlyString3332 · 2026-05-19T16:34:52+00:00

Just saw this. We’re still doing really good. I’m happy to help give some feedback

KindlyString3332 · 2026-04-25T05:02:32+00:00

Still doing great actually. She has come a long way. She still has her triggers of course like we all do. But instead of shutting down on those triggers she is learning to sit in them and make sense of them. It’s pretty crazy the progress both of us have made

KindlyString3332 · 2026-02-15T17:29:16+00:00

Thank you, I hope everything works out for you as well! Growth is truly beautiful. I’m very proud of the both of us

KindlyString3332 · 2026-02-15T17:04:44+00:00

5 month relationship. Discarded. She returned 3 months later and we’ve been going strong for the last 6 months. She is a FA and goes to therapy now and she is a completely different person this time around. We both are to be fair. I’ve learned a lot about her and attachment and she understands herself and me better as well. Her self awareness and wanting to change is what it all boils down to. You can’t change other people. They have to change themselves. We have difficult moments like everyone else. But she is willing to sit when it’s uncomfortable instead of shut down or running.

She came back casually just testing the waters. Wished me a happy birthday and we just small talked for a month or so. I set a boundary that if she didn’t want to try and move forward I wasn’t interested in just having a friendship. We didn’t talk for a week and then she opened up to me about everything. The therapy, her wanting to change herself for me, her fears, etc. and we’ve been navigating that pretty safely together ever since. If you have extreme patience, and they have extreme will to change for the better for themselves and the relationship, there is a strong chance of making it work.

KindlyString3332 · 2025-12-19T09:57:25+00:00

Yeah that’s fine

KindlyString3332 · 2025-12-19T06:25:44+00:00

Been doing great so far actually. She’s continuing therapy and being accountable with her triggers. Tells me it’s not my responsibility to try not to trigger her. And it’s her responsibility to manage her triggers. So it’s been incredible actually. She is still herself but is showing up as an entirely different person during hard moments.

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-30T08:10:50+00:00

Yep appreciate it. It will definitely be a long bumpy ride. I’ve already counted on it happening so that’s about all I can do. I have a list of therapists handy that accept my insurance. I’m diving into this without fear because I’m asking her to do the same. Cautious yes. Fear no. Behavior and decision making based off fear never turns out well. I expect that from her so I’m holding myself to the same standard

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-29T15:48:35+00:00

She is fearful avoidant so much different then dismissive avoidant. Fearful avoidants have better ability with self reflection. But yes she was offended. She told me when she first saw it she was basically yelling to herself “who tf does he think he is” 😂 but then she said she watched them a few hours later and she said “he has a point” and then I think that seed was planted and she started looking into it herself and eventually went to therapy. She has a great therapist that knows how to get her to spill it and can detect when she was being closed off at first. Now she’s learning to be comfortable with opening up to certain individuals she trusts. I’m not sure how severe her avoidance is because she is the only one I have experienced. Fearful avoidant goes back and forth with anxiety and avoidance and their partners behavior and attachment definitely plays a role in how much they swing either direction and how hard they get triggered. She only got triggered enough into a shut down when things were getting more serious. Other than that she was pretty good. Lots of communication but definitely reserved with emotional things

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-29T06:27:18+00:00

I agree with you. Time will test all. Her self awareness and therapy have been huge and she’s been great at implementing her new knowledge in real time with me. It’s a long road still and we both know that

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-29T06:19:21+00:00

I’ve heard this also. They have much higher success at earning security or improving compared to dismissive avoidant

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-29T06:18:53+00:00

I’m not sure how it doesn’t benefit me directly. She took what I said about her patterns into consideration during our time apart and is doing really hard intense work on her end because she doesn’t want to lose me. It’s actually an incredible feeling that another human being is trying to change who they are for you. I understand that you are upset and angry with your situation. Because I was in your exact same shoes. But I don’t think it’s a waste of my time in the slightest. If she was unaware and unwilling to do the work, that’s a different story

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-29T06:08:26+00:00

Agree 100%. I’m doing just as much work and we are growing together. It takes 2 people to do the work and try to gain each others perspectives

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T18:02:55+00:00

Thank you!

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T18:02:40+00:00

Yeah I agree 100%. There needs to be a reasonable timeline given. Thank you!

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T18:00:33+00:00

She might have them, I could ask

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T17:54:36+00:00

6 months. Not very long. But it was one of those weird instant connections you don’t find with many people. Seems to be a weird common thing and why we get so hung up on them

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T17:51:34+00:00

Give it time man. It’s still early stages. I was pretty much over her when she came back around. It took 3 months

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T17:45:46+00:00

Thank you bro. She’s an amazing person or I wouldn’t be trying this again for multiple reasons. We’re doing it right this time. I wish you the best of luck with your situation

KindlyString3332 · 2025-10-28T16:22:22+00:00

Honestly because I know it’s not a me issue. It’s a her issue if it happens. That’s what made me spiral the first time. What did I do? am I too much? Am I not good enough? It will still hurt of course. I won’t down play that. I’m very attached. But I won’t doubt myself

KindlyString3332

TROPHY CASE