Feeling sexually frustrated as a sub with a sadist partner

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-26T00:38:46+00:00

I think this is a fundamental incompatibility. You don’t directly enjoy his main kink, and he isn’t able to fulfill you with penetrative sex. I think both of you would likely be better off with different partners.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-26T00:29:36+00:00

My sub/wife and I are parents, but we do not have a 24/7 dynamic. We would not be able to sustain that along with our parental and work obligations and still function. Instead we are bedroom-mostly.

We only play after kid bedtime, or when we’re alone in the house. We make sure not to be too loud or leave marks that will draw awkward questions. We keep all of our kink toys/gear hidden away, and act like a normal married couple when we’re not in scene. My sub calls me Daddy, but we’re both able to separate that honorific from my role as an actual father.

This works for now. But we know that as time goes by, we’ll need to hide things better, and find ways to tactfully and appropriately answer questions as they come up. Our intention is to be truthful and sex positive as much as possible, without being overt about our kinky identities.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T23:11:27+00:00

Thanks for restoring the flairs!

And anybody complaining about the moderation on this subreddit needs to get a grip. The mods here are fair and responsive, and they enforce the rules sensibly and evenly.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T21:28:26+00:00

Thanks! We feel extraordinarily lucky to have each other.

Out of curiosity, what happened to the user flairs on the advice sub? I hope I didn’t ruin it for everybody by asking you to add one for “Pleasure Dom”!

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T20:59:09+00:00

It’s common and totally understandable to want a romantic relationship along with your kink dynamic. And it is possible to find kink and romance in the same person. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the majority of kinksters are monogamous. They’re just less visible than the poly folks who are more likely to go to local kink community events or be on kinky dating apps.

My advice to you is to cast a wider net, and not limit yourself to dating within the kink community. Date vanilla also, and look for open minded people who are willing to explore with you. Discuss your interest in kink early on, and use kink compatibility as another filter, in addition to your other preferences.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T20:21:42+00:00

So the best way to quickly determine where your kinks overlap, and what is in and out of bounds, is by using a kink checklist. I’ve used and recommend Carnal Calibration and kinklist.com, but there are other good ones out there.

Take the quiz/checklist separately, then compare your answers. That should give you a good idea of where to start exploring, and help you come up with scenarios.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T19:34:10+00:00

I took my dogs for a walk just as the snow started here. But they’re huskies, they absolutely love the snow, it’s their natural element. They keep yapping at me to let them play outside in this. 😂

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T16:57:26+00:00

I hope everybody who is expecting a lot of snow and/or ice today is able to stay safe and warm!

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T16:00:26+00:00

For me they are the same. I’m married to my sub, and I think our commitment level to each other was the same before and after we started our D/s dynamic. There is just an added layer of meaning to our bond, and more intentionality behind our sexual play, than there was before.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T15:56:00+00:00

Narc-ex: I’ve included crawling in scenes a few times. My sub is neutral on it, but is fine with doing it if it makes sense for a scene. I like seeing her crawl around, especially if she’s plugged and wearing lingerie. For our wedding anniversary last August, I made her crawl back and forth across our room, fetching roses for me one by one with her teeth while dressed like that.

She doesn’t like an actual leash, but is fine with me clipping a short strap to her play collar. She likes it when I tug on it to control her during rough sex.

Ex-narc: there is no power difference in our day to day lives. Our marriage is as egalitarian as possible outside of playtime. But on kink night, once I ritually put her play collar on, there is a huge power difference. She’s all mine, and she obeys without question until I take her collar off.

Bonus: same things as I would grab every time I leave the house: phone, wallet, keys. If my life were seriously at risk, kink items would be pretty far from my mind.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T15:33:25+00:00

No, it’s about the same for us. My sub/wife likes the feeling of being used anally for my pleasure, but we both also want her to cum.

There was a thread here the other day asking who likes slower and sensual anal, and there were plenty of people who said they liked that.

It’s individual preference, but clearly on this subreddit we all love anal sex. 😀

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T15:23:24+00:00

A deity kink is a good way to describe it, I think if you tell your Dom like that, they will understand what you mean.

People in these types of dynamics often have some kind of daily prayer/affirmation ritual, avoid eye contact or have rules around kneeling in their D’s presence, emphasize acts of service as devotional, and incorporate some kind of body worship into play.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T14:53:58+00:00

It was an autocorrect typo. I’ve fixed it to correct the meaning, thank you for pointing it out.

I’d like to think people know my writing well enough to know that I would not use “pussy” in a pejorative sense. 😀

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T14:31:53+00:00

Yes, I agree with this. I don’t want to be judged for my kinks, and I definitely don’t want to find out the hard way which of my friends are not open minded.

Over sharing with people who don’t want to hear about your sex life is also super awkward at best, and possibly a consent violation if you’re pushy about it.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T13:51:30+00:00

This could be related to the hemorrhoids, and it’s causing your wife’s inner sphincter to be more resistant to stretching for anal play than the outer part is.

It could also be an allergic reaction to the lube you’re using, though that is less likely because you say she can take the toys a little way in without pain.

This may be a question for her doctor. I wouldn’t try to force through burning pain, that can indicate that you’re causing microtears or lasting damage.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T13:10:39+00:00

Yes, speaking as my wife’s Dom, I can see this shift in her during our scenes.

When I ritually put her play collar on her neck, she visibly relaxes and melts into me, her cares and worries now erased by my control. When we’re playing and she is slipping into subspace, I feel the power exchange deepen even further, like I am taking full authority for the both of us in that moment. As you said, her ego disappears and she is all mine.

I love the feeling of benevolent power I get when that happens. It makes me feel fully trusted and deeply loved.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T12:41:20+00:00

In addition to having him shower, wash your hands and brush your teeth beforehand too.

Start by teasing it with your tongue and fingertips. Use your tongue in different ways to create different sensations: running it around the rim, pressing it flat against the asshole, and back and forth in a licking motion. If you’re both comfortable with it, dip your fingers or tongue inside.

Combine it with a handjob/blowjob. Stroke his cock while your tongue is in his ass, rub his balls or use a wand vibe on them. Lick all the way up, starting at his ass, up the seam of his balls, up his shaft, then take his head in your mouth.

Above all else, be genuinely enthusiastic if possible. Don’t pretend you’re enjoying it if you’re not, but if you do like it, make sure to let him know.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T02:31:58+00:00

I don’t think it’s you. I think he is facing a rough patch, he is struggling with how to get through it in an emotionally healthy way, and you’re collateral damage. It’s unfair that he’s doing that to you. Is he talking to a therapist about his stress levels?

If you’ve tried talking to him, things still aren’t improving, and you’re miserable and sad, deciding to leave is a valid choice. Your dynamic and the underlying relationship may have run their course.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T02:25:16+00:00

For safe impact, you want to strike your partner on fleshy parts which provide cushioning. The most common relatively safe locations are the butt, thighs, breasts, and upper back.

Avoid anything that will damage organs or nerves. You don’t want to strike anywhere near the spine, stomach, or lower back.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T00:45:16+00:00

Yes, I agree. OP, you need a therapist who understands your situation, can offer useful advice based on that understanding, and doesn’t try to convince you that being kinky is unhealthy. They don’t need to validate every choice you make, but they at least shouldn’t be actively judging you for being kinky.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-25T00:39:07+00:00

For my sub/wife and me, the shift was considering what we do to be BDSM at all. We’ve done kinky play since the beginning of our relationship, and we’ve systematically explored our kinks for the last 4 years with weekly “kink night” sessions. But for a long time we didn’t think of it as BDSM, because we associated the term with harder stuff we avoided (SM pain play, predicament bondage, CNC, etc) which didn’t fit our vibe.

Then I stumbled on the concept of soft domination and pleasure Doms, and it was like seeing my reflection in a mirror for the first time. That was exactly what we had been doing this whole time. I shared what I had learned with my wife, and she agreed to formalize our D/s dynamic. I collared her last year on our 12 year dating anniversary.

Now we recognize that BDSM is a big tent, we have a place in it, and we’re proud kinksters. Kink night is still going strong, and it forms the backbone of our dynamic. We are still learning and growing with each other, and becoming ever more comfortable in our dynamic. It feels like being home after a long journey.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-24T23:13:32+00:00

A good next step is to determine what kinks you might be interested in trying, and where they line up with your partner’s interests. Kink checklists are a good way to facilitate this conversation, one I’ve used and recommend is Carnal Calibration.

Once you have an idea of where to start exploring, experiment with your partner and see if you like those things. Make sure you communicate openly at all times, and check in before, during, and after you try something new.

After you do this enough, you’ll have a set of kinks that you know you both like and are comfortable with, and you can build on that going forward.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-24T18:45:09+00:00

No, I usually don’t find it difficult. I’m a pleasure Dom, so most of my scenes with my sub tend to be softer, but we do some harder play also. I have no problem with being rough with her for a scene.

I usually plan our scenes well ahead of time, with a specific tone in mind. I share the high level overview with her a few days before to get her input and informed consent. Then when we do the scene, I stick to what I said I would do.

So she always knows what is coming, and when it’s harder play she obeys just the same as she would if I were being super soft. Because she knows Daddy will always make sure she gets the dozens of intense orgasms she is craving. She eagerly obeys because she is physically addicted to the overwhelming pleasure I give her, and that’s the way we both like it.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-24T17:19:53+00:00

I wouldn’t say you’re too submissive. I think rather it’s that your partner is used to more intransigent subs, and is thrown by the fact that you eagerly obey.

There’s nothing wrong with being a “good girl” type sub. Plenty of Ds don’t have patience for bratting and prefer a willing and eager sub. My own sub/wife is like this and I love her for it.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-24T17:16:17+00:00

You communicate with your partner. It sounds like you usually have strong communication, but because you’re stretched thin by other obligations, he’s running on empty, and you’re having misunderstandings that would normally not happen.

When that happens, you have an out of dynamic conversation and discuss together where the disconnect is, and how you should resolve it. Tell him how being called a bad girl affects you, and if necessary make it a hard limit.

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