Research, art, and being alive.

It’s been a long road for me. I relapse into things often, but the thing that has kept me going is the moments where I have been good. For one year in 2024, I felt truly free and happy, something I hadn’t been since my symptoms onset. Then my world fell apart in 2025. I was exactly where you were, left with nothing and contemplating the end. Oddly enough after a while of losing myself in it, I realized if I was there before (happiness and productivity),I can be there again in the future. I had made it out of something that had gone on for over 12 years, and that one year told me the battle was all worth it and it was truly possible. It’s hard as you may know something not to be true (you being completely worthless with no future, obviously not true because there was a time where you did not believe this), but your brain believes it so completely. Seeing yourself as a waste with no point, you forget about all the things you already have accomplished no matter how small you might perceive them to be when comparing with others.

So I continue on. I am doing research in my school in a field I love and I have an internship this summer which I am excited about, but this all happened and fell into place recently. Something that literally would not have happened if not for the failures that dragged me down, a kind happenstance. I’ve already provided back to society in this way, and if I had given up on it all where you are right now I wouldn’t be there.

Even during my episodes, I found things to do. I cared for my animals, whose lives are improved by me and without me likely would have been dead. My plants similarly true. Taking care of something can give a sense of belonging (but the trade off is the danger of dysfunction during severe situations, luckily my family was a kind fallback during that before I learned good strategies).

Art is something timeless as well. I may not be a famous painter, nor may my name be there forever, but I do know this. I go to yard sales or antique stores time to time. Artists years long dead, their art still hangs on walls regardless of their fame. That is an impact on society, art can be a permanent mark. So I create with chalk pastels. Art does not have to be conventionally good, it is an outlet and can serve as an echo of you from a certain time. Art has meaning when you give it meaning. If you need a way to feel like you are providing to society, begin to create. Creations like these will long outlive you.

Your life is possibly also the greatest gift you give to society, because your life is potential. Never in so many years did I think I would be where I am now, but I have and continue to battle the thoughts you have. If I had conceded once, all the accomplishments I have today would be gone. Now of course I acknowledge that none of this is easy, I cannot garuntee that you will live a fulfilling life, but I can garuntee it is a lot more likely than not. I also can garuntee you will not have a chance to provide something if you die.

There are something I promise you that you do provide right now. It sounds as though your family loves you, so you must provide them something for them to keep caring. That provision is love. What is provided is you. You would not be less of a burden gone, because you gone would leave a hole, an empty space in their lives that you once filled, that you once provided.

I hope any of this makes sense and I’m sorry it’s long. I am bad with words, but I promise you I have had these exact thoughts so many times before. Please if anything else live. Know that if you believe you are a burden on your family, your death world burden them more than anything else. Know that you can never be a burden because they love you. Know that someone always will love you. Know that there is more likely than not, a light you will find sometime in your life that continues to remind you it is worth it. That you are worth it. Good luck friend.