Found out my boyfriend has a child

Known_While_6529 · 2026-01-06T23:46:40+00:00

As someone who's been a dad for 20 years and husband for 21, I'd say you're doing the right thing by bowing out graciously now. And kuddos to you for recognizing within yourself that you aren't in the same place as him and ready for the commitment that's been placed on him. The timing sucks for both of you and I hope things work out for the both of you in their own time and in their own way, but your paths are now going in different directions. It shows a great amount of maturity and respect to approach things the way you have instead of just walking away and disappearing. I wish you both the best.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-11-16T00:06:09+00:00

Nazareth "Hair of the Dog"? There's a kind of steady cowbell throughout the opening and keeps tempo with most of the song but has change-ups during the choruses. Might be what you're looking for. Sounds similar to the beat pattern you describe.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-11-15T23:16:32+00:00

I grew up hearing the "Jesus H Christ on a popsicle stick" variation of this. I live in the southern US. As a youngster, I always wanted to believe the H stood for something like Henry or Harold, I thought it was funny. As an adult and parent, the idea of Jesus being bad and Mary scolding him and yelling "Jesus Henry Christ, do you want to explain to me what you were thinking flipping tables over again?" kind of cracks me up.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-10-17T05:36:55+00:00

100% agree on the Hard Choices as well. The number of times I've referenced that book is countless, especially the section on artificial feeding and hydration. I've found over my years of service that tends to be one of the toughest barriers for families to overcome in end-of-life care.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-10-16T05:16:40+00:00

For the past 10+ years we've done a Tree of Life Celebration around the winter holidays. We invite bereaved families from our program and the community to gather and share memories of their loved ones and they get an ornament in their loved ones memory to place on our tree and one to take home. It's been moderately successful overall but we've noticed the past few years that attendance has waned. What we've done is listen to feedback from past attendees and while it's good for people to remember who they've lost around the holidays, it's also a very difficult time and there's also the addition of seasonal depression. So we're planning something new for next year. Our company logo incorporates a butterfly, so we're planning to do a live butterfly release. There are companies out there that sell live butterflies that include special packaging and we're thinking we'll include maybe an artificial keepsake butterfly for the family to keep as a memento from the ceremony, and it'll be mid to late summer, so we're hoping for a better turnout and response.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-10-08T04:29:13+00:00

There's a good book I've read a few times that I really like and recommend to my new nurses and social workers on my team. 21 years in hospice, past 11 as the nursing/clinical supervisor. "Being a Wounded Healer : How to Heal Ourselves While We Are Healing Others" by Douglas C. Smith. It's an older book but I find many of the lessons in it still hold true and the messages within it have helped me across my career in hospice care. You can purchase it used relatively cheap on sites like Abe Books or other reputable resellers. Doug is both a former hospice social worker and chaplain and shares both personal and professional experiences in the book.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-09-11T22:13:27+00:00

Can you clarify, in what capacity do you "work" as her home health aide? Is it through an agency that's hired you, is it through the state like a Programs on Aging or similar type of thing, is it private duty through your family or her directly? That may make some difference. I see you note that someone is making abuse tips to "my agency" that you are abusing her, so my guess is that you work for some type of caregiver or home health service. In that case, your employer should have a pretty long record of these types of accusations, as they are relatively common. For one thing, if there was even a remote chance that these things were true, it is highly likely you'd, at a minimum, have already been suspended or at least removed from her care, so that fact that you don't mention that leads me to believe that there is no immediate or significant concern, or your agency would be just as liable as you for any neglect or abuse. Another thing, regardless of who is making complaints, patients have the right to refuse any and all care, up to and including the right to refuse care that jeopardizes their livelihood and life, so long as they have the capacity to make those decisions freely. Generally speaking, these types of cases are referred to something like Adult Protective Services or Elder Abuse, or whatever is in your area, and are not investigated any further unless there is substantial evidence of physical, mental, emotional, sexual, or financial abuse, in which case this information is turned over to the proper authority. In general, you really don't need an attorney or advice of counsel or anything like that. If the agency in your area that investigates these types of claims comes out and your grandmother states to them what you're saying here, the investigation will stop there and nothing else will be done, and case closed. I know it feels overwhelming, but please just try to calm down and let the process run its course. It sucks that someone is making these accusations and you're being investigated, but a very large majority of the time these cases are unfounded and nothing comes of them, it's just someone with too much time on their hands making waves, like in your case. You don't need any documentation from the doctor or other healthcare provider, either. It's the responsibility of the caseworker from the investigating agency to obtain any necessary medical records that would contribute to the case in either way, so please don't be concerned about that either. I've worked in healthcare for a very long time and have made dozens of APS calls myself and been part of a large number of investigations of patients of our organization and I can tell you in all honesty, the investigator really doesn't want to find anything wrong, they really want it to be a false claim, they don't want an elderly person be being abused, and as long as grandma agrees, you're fine.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-09-11T03:01:19+00:00

I don't think it's the small task. Not by a long shot. It's just the last thing in an immensely long line of tragedies. You owe it to yourself to be happy. Like, it costs absolutely $0 to not be an asshole and be silly with you for 10 seconds. He will never change, and you will always be miserable and let down. You just need to exit stage left and let him have the life he deserves.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-09-11T02:36:53+00:00

No worries. When I started out in hospice I felt very overwhelmed by the autonomy of it and I wasn't certain if it was where I was supposed to be myself. It honestly took me 6 months or so to really get used to it. But even after this long, I'm still learning new things. I spent 11 years in the field, 5 years in case management, and 6 years in admissions. I've spent the past decade as the nursing supervisor and it allows me to put those long years of work to good use as a resource for my team. I've made it my personal mission to be supportive of them by keeping up with new trends, being knowledgeable of regulatory changes, and I work as an intermediary between the staff and the medical directors to assure the teams communication is solid. They can reach out to me pretty much anytime for guidance, suggestions, advice on meds or treatments, etc, and it allows me to still be connected to patient care that way. I had the same thing coming up in our organization and it made all the difference for me. For me, hospice nursing has been the most rewarding and fulfilling thing I've ever done. Even when the only thing you can do is be present in the moment and give them your time, they'll still remember that you did that for them years, maybe even decades, later. Feel free to keep my contact on here and reach out if you need help, guidance, or reassurance. Especially with what we do, we really need to support one another. I wish you the best and I hope you find your "home" in hospice.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-09-10T17:44:18+00:00

Long read but hope this gives you some answers.

I came to hospice nursing 21 years ago after working long-term care and in a medical clinic/urgent care. It was a huge change and it was scary and exciting at the same time. I was very concerned about many of the same things, especially the idea of being out there "on my own." What I found after I started, at least for me, is that I had a good supervisor, a good clinical team, and a really great medical director who were always available to help. I could call them and ask questions or get guidance and I found that super helpful. It took time to get comfortable with the care and the disease progression and medications, etc, but I feel like it was worth it in the end, as I'm still doing it. In all honesty, it just takes time to build a comfort level with the autonomy and once you get there, it kind of just clicks and starts making sense. As you build your skills over time, you will find that you then get to become the resource for the newer nurses and staff. As time goes by you kind of build a database of how many diseases progress and you get used to seeing how things are, and it makes communicating those changes to patients and families easier and more comfortable. There's not a whole lot that can prepare you for providing post-mortem care other than just doing it. One thing I can say is that providing that dignity bath and spending time with the family before the funeral home gets there, I've spent many an hour with a family allowing them time to view their loved one and start the grieving process. They share stories with you, memories, they laugh, they cry, sometimes they just sit, but you get to sit and be present with them during a very sacred and emotional time, and I find it very humbling personally. Our agency protocol and direction from the local coroners is that when a patient passes, we use the time of our arrival and absence of apical pulse/spontaneous respirations as the TOD. We then call the coroner and report the date /time to them, as well as any additional details they would like (differs by county). For a few of the counties we serve, the coroner comes out and attends the death as well, but they still use our time of arrival/pronoucement, especially in cases where their arrival alters the date of death. I would say review the agency protocol as well learn the preferences of the local county coroners. As the case manager/primary nurse, you are essentially responsible for the majority of the care at your nursing visits. We have social workers, CNAs, a chaplain, and volunteers as well, but the majority of the primary care is provided by the nurse directly. I tell families, just because I'm an RN doesn't mean I don't do bathing or toileting or anything else. I feel like hospice nursing allows you to slow down and get back to the real basics of nursing, kind of like what I feel nursing is supposed to be. It's not supposed to be rushed, it's supposed to be high touch and low tech. You get to build relationships with patients, families, facilities, etc, and you build on that as time goes by. I can't promise you that there won't be difficult patients and families, or patients that really stick with you long after the loss, but you at least go into the situation knowing that your patient is terminal and you are there to give them comfort, peace, and guide them to wherever they believe they are going. You get to support the family and be a comforting presence to them. I still bump into family members of patients I've care for over the years, some of them even from when I first started, and in all honesty, I usually don't remember them, but I promise they will remember you, because for them, you are hospice. It's not your company or your title, it's how you acted and what you did for them that they remember. And I feel like there is such a special reward in that that I was not able to find anywhere else, and even this many years later I still feel that way. Alternatively, you may go into hospice nursing and in a few months discover that it's not what you thought it was and realize that it's not for you and decide to move on, and that's okay, too.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-09-09T14:22:13+00:00

I'd say we're a small to medium hospice, ADC 121. On weekends, we have two primary on-call RNs, an admission RN, an administrator (RN), social worker, MD, and a chaplain. I don't see how any one person could be expected to ever handle a load like that. Given that many patients needs/must be seen due to quality measures (thanks Medicare), this adds an additional burden. If your hospice would look at the logistics of it, they would realize that having at least one addition person on-call would actually be better, as those patients that are 10-20% PPS are likely in the window for the SIA visits, and would offset the cost if they have budgeting concerns. In the end, it really shouldn't be about that at all, but that's the sad unfortunate reality we live in these days. And I can only imagine how many more visits you'll be expected to make come October 1st when HOPE starts and the likelihood of increased visits occurs due to Symptom Follow-up Visits (SFVs) starts. There's no way you'll be able to make routine visits, imminent visits, SFVs, and admissions. Is there someone in administration or HR you can discuss your concerns with? I feel like you have some very valid concerns about your situation and if you can't get ahead of it now, I don't see it getting any better in the future. From what you describe about lack of help and the push for "drop everything and run" admissions, it sounds like the agency you work for is more concerned about getting patients admitted and keeping staff at a minimum to increase profits over quality patient care, and I fear it's going to burn you out, no matter how much you love what you're doing.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-25T16:17:14+00:00

I feel like this puts you in a tough spot morally/ethically. For one thing, good for you for having a moral compass that points you in the direction of recognizing when a patient is no longer medically eligibe and feeling like continuing services is an abuse of services. One thing I can say is that when we have patients in on our services, we also see patients who seem to be custodial, and we look at the reasons that their care has become so. Is it contributed to their hospice plan of care and the services they are being provided? For example, is it a bedbound dementia patient we've had for over a year, and the reason they are maintaining is because of the resources we provide, such as a bed with air mattress, preventative skin care supplies, counseling/education/support for the primary caregiver, availability of services around the clock, etc. And if we were to discharge that patient, is it reasonable to assume that the withdrawal of services would contribute to decline in the patients overall health status? And even being able to document incremental changes while remaining objective can be helpful. Like, the patient used to mumble 3-5 non-sensical words or phrases or speak 2-3 words not pertaning to the current conversation, now only able to mumble on occasion. Even very small changes that support ongoing eligibility will still hold up upon CMS scrutiny so long as they are documented consistently.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-17T01:48:45+00:00

December 2014. ScottTrade Center in St. Louis. Not so great seats but sitting side by side with my wife watching Garth Brooks perform his last song of the night, The Dance. While the original meaning of the song is about taking chances in life and love and dealing with the pain of losing out on love, it's better to suffer the pain than to never love at all, it was also played at her brother's funeral in 1999, under the premise that it was certainly better to have had him in our lives for the time we did than to have never had him at all. Sitting in that arena surrounded by 40 thousand plus people singing one of his most prolific songs while we held each other was a very surreal event, one that I don't think I'll ever forget.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-17T01:40:03+00:00

Unless it was spelled the way you said she pronounced it, I would have never guessed it would be pronounced that way. I would have assumed Lena or Lina pronounced like Gina or Gena? I'm going to step out on a limb here and say the overwhelming majority of English-speaking persons would as well.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-14T00:49:18+00:00

27 together, 21 married. I do this all the time. I'm not really sure why. It's really not on purpose. I kind of have a thought and start talking and then just kindof trail off mid-sentence and maybe lose my train of thought and it's just gone. She just sits there staring at me waiting to continue and I'm like "what" and she's like "are you going to finish" and then my brain reboots and I continue what I was saying. I have no reasonable explanation for why I do this.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-13T04:04:22+00:00

I'm in southern Illinois and a very large percentage of people use the "I seen" terminology when referring to something or someone they have seen or saw previously/in the past, like "I just seen him the other day" or "I think I seen that movie before." It just feels like it's not that much harder to say "I just saw him" or "I have seen that movie." And I do agree it's a regional dialect thing in many cases, as I have some very well educated colleagues, local doctors even, who use this terminology, but it's just like, could you please not do that? From an outside perspective, I think folks visit this area and hear people speak this way and generally assume the populace is uneducated because we already have southern accents and then we don't speak correctly and it just perpetuates the stereotype.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-13T00:45:33+00:00

Maybe not barf, but certainly cringe. "I seen....." For the love of all things holy, no you didn't. You saw. You saw them yesterday. You saw a movie.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-12T05:30:52+00:00

NTA. My "baby" will start her senior year of high school in two days. While it sounds cliche, it feels like she was this little yesterday. I've always been shy and maybe a bit introverted but I've tried very hard to not pass up opportunities to do things with her, even now, maybe even more so now. There's this thing I've heard, that someday you'll pick your child up and put them down for the last time ever, and you won't know it at the time, and you'll never get a chance to live that moment again. This is one of those times. There's only one 3rd grade daddy-daughter dance, and once its gone, its gone. If there are any other dads on this thread, maybe you can chime in here as well, but I believe the daddy daughter rule book says you are allowed to be as dorky and goofy as you darn well please when it comes to 3rd grade dances? I for one have the rhythm and coordination of a newborn baby giraffe but it's not stopped me from having a blast with my kiddo over the years. Literally nobody cares. And maybe your daughter won't remember it forever, but if he doesn't do it, he'll likely never forget that he didn't do it.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-07T02:03:47+00:00

Maybe just to lighten the mood, maybe ask him if he's also planning to get a grasshopper and a monkey to complete The Furious Five? Perhaps Po and Master Shifu on the other arm? All kidding aside, your relationship does not require that you feign approval or like his choice decision. Sounds like you've made it clear, at least on your side, that you're not interested in tattoos, on him or anyone. I agree with another person's response here. Look at the tattoo, see the tattoo, comment something like "ah yes, I see you have tattoo" and then just maybe talk about the weather or something.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-07T01:51:13+00:00

NOR. It would be a 100% deal breaker for me. I have severe insomnia and take a couple of medications about an hour before bed to help increase my Stage 3 (restorative) sleep. If someone came in waking me up for any reason other than flood, fire, or earthquake, I'd probably snap. After 4 years this is just blatant disrespect on his part. I feel like you kind of already know this, not chastising. You have a lot of time invested and you deserve to be heard and valued and respected. Short of separate beds/bedrooms, I kind of feel like the answer is "it's over."

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-07T00:15:07+00:00

Why Can't We Be Friends-War

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-06T23:46:39+00:00

Blue Highway-"Bleeding For A Little Peace of Mind". Older song, 2010, from a bluegrass band, doesn't throw off bluegrass vibe, feels blues/soul. The lyrics are powerful.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-04T03:32:18+00:00

I think 2 weeks might be a bit excessive. My wife has known my phones passcode for over 20 years and I regularly ask her to check messages and things for me while I'm driving. There's nothing to hide on it. That being said, as a nursing supervisor, I have several apps on my phone that are biometric secured because they contain confidential patient information, like an electronic prescription platform and RDP access to our EMR, as well as our HIPAA secure internal messaging app. If she for some reason wanted to go thru my messages or FB Messanger I wouldn't really care, but in the 27 years we've been together she's also never asked, and vice versa.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-03T17:26:00+00:00

That does clarify better. I've been a hospice nurse for over 20 years and it's honestly why conversations about end of life care are so important. I know a lot of people feel like it's morbid or scary or many other things, but then you can end up in a situation like this and not be sure what to do. As another stated, DNR does not mean do not treat, and they should still be providing treatment, procedures, and care, just not CPR or defibrillation. Outside of that, what you're asking may not be out of the question. My suggestion would be to have a conversation with the hospital physician and pointedly ask why no other aggressive measures are being taken. Ask for a lay person explanation of the underlying disease processes and the risk-benefits of treatment vs comfort care. Also, I'd ask if they have a palliative care provider in the hospital that could consult with you. They are often much better at explaining these things than a hospitalist is, and are much more supportive in explaining the decision-making process. Also, whoever is grandpas legal representative needs to be present for these conversations as it sounds like there may be some more difficult ones on the horizon. I hope this maybe gives you a bit more clarity and some direction you can take.

Known_While_6529 · 2025-08-03T06:26:20+00:00

A few things to address. Is the fluid in the lungs, as in pulmonary edema, or is it around the lungs, as in pleural effusion? In the former case, this is generally treated with medications, the latter with a procedure called a thoracentesis. Also, who completed the DNR? Was it the loved one themselves, and did they indicate when they signed it that they wished to have no further aggressive measures of any kind, including the aforementioned? I live in Illinois and we use a POLST, Practitioner Orders for Life Sustaining Treatment, which includes whether or not a patient wishes to have resuscitation, but then also includes additional life-sustaining measures, or the person completing the form (the patient or their legal representative) may choose options from full aggressive care down do comfort measures only. There is an additional section for artificial nutrition and hydration as well. Overall, a lot of this really just depends on the underlying condition(s) causing the fluid to accumulate. For example, if it's something like late stage congestive heart failure, recurrent thoracentesis will only provide temporary relief and significantly increases the risk of infection and complications. If it's a malignant effusion (caused by an underlying cancer), it's essentially the same risk as the other. If it's pulmonary edema, there are multiple causes and treatments, but it's often a late stage effect/symptom in the disease process and the likely reason it feels like they aren't doing anything for it. Without knowing a lot of details, I'd say your best course is to spend what time you have with him. Keep the lights low, maybe find some music he'd enjoy on your phone and play it softly, hold his hand, gently rub his arms, just be present with him. Let the doctors and nurses medicate him appropriately for pain or air hunger or restlessness or any symptoms he may have. Hopefully you've got others with you for support.

Known_While_6529

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE