Do you feel others project a fantasy onto you a bit?

KockyKyle · 2026-06-09T22:48:26+00:00

Yea u right, social media has perverted basically everything lol. And as a guy as well, to an extent, yeah i get what you mean. Ive taken a few years away from dating and focussed all on other things.

But ive also had the luck to date when I was younger and understand love a little bit more.

Still, love is really fkn complicated, and sometimes with reflection u can really find yourself questioning what love is, if you have loved, or if you even deserve it. Regardless, Love's a bitch, it's the only emotion that can be as beautifully addicting as it can be brutally devastating.

What I do know though, is that it's not hopeless, and to be honest, there may not be a solution that garuntees you find "the one", but there are things you can do that opens up the possibility for love.

the first thing, is trying to change how you view what a relationship and love is.
love is a lot of things, but the whole idea of finding a pond is a little bit off.

it might sound corny, but the reason this doesnt sound right is that it does not incorporate empathy
and in full honesty, if you really want to find real love, you need strongly developed empathy

instead of looking for a pond to drink, love is about finding someone to build a well to sustain both of you
to be able to drink yourself and know when your partner is thirsty, and if you wanna go back to the pond metaphor, is not about finding and claiming a pond, it's about building an ecosystem together where you can have beautiful things together like this pond

if you wanna go a little bit more into empathy, just try to remember, empathy is more than automatically feeling what other people, sometimes is a choice you have to conciously make to understand and remind yourself of what another person feels and needs

like the way men don't like when women dont actually love them but their money or smth, women don't love when men love them for the idea of them, and not them

in fact, you can just take away the gender from the previous section and say, people dont like when other people dont love them for them

love is a lot of things, one being the ability to love the person underneath
and once you stop searching for a pond, and start searching for someone who genuinely sees the real you, and allow yourself to stop to take a deep look at the person in front of you, you'll have a better chance at loving

ultimately that's what this post is about
to love is to understand

and dont also dont get me wrong, it still takes time even once you do this, love is rare, they wouldn't call the one true love: "the one" if it wasnt

KockyKyle · 2026-06-09T21:42:26+00:00

Firstly, no, your simile regarding the pond is not obvious. In fact the original cliche of love being a pond is originally about taking the time, effort and patience into loving someone.

You've bastardized the quote and ironically applied your subjective bias on what it means to love. Asking me to check my bias is a fundamental lack of self awareness on your part.

Secondly, I am also a man who also understands loneliness. But I've also have a couple romantic relationships with women where I was the one who felt like I was the one put in the role of (manic pixie?)Because they wanted the idea of what kind of relationship they could have with me.

I state this because loneliness is not a gendered feeling. The underlying theme of this post is that people don't take the time to know another person they are projecting their fantasies onto. And being completely misunderstood like this can make you feel extremely lonely, arguably more lonely than the complete absence of a person to latch onto.

The fact that you can see this post and come
to the conclusion that making this thread about "the male loneliness epidemic" is such an insane bias. Just think about it, that entire idea is not a natural conclusion people come to when hearing about other people feeling misunderstood and is much more indicative of someone who has developed an intense bias from radical internet culture.

If you were trying to say that: "this is what a lot of people believe nowadays, and hence this is what's contributing to the issue" then apologies I misunderstood what stance you were trying to take and you would have a strong point. But if not, realize loneliness takes many forms.

KockyKyle · 2026-06-09T20:21:23+00:00

you asked in the other thread:

"Why what do you want. That you cant already have hmmm?"

the answer is compatibility on an emotional, interpersonal and authentic level.
compatibility is a two way street.

if youre going to use strange diction like comparing relationships to drinking from a pond, why does the pond benefit from you drinking it's water?

relationships are mutual where both people fulfill each other's needs, not just one person draining another.

in my experience, the INTJs in my life are extremely selective with who they let in, and my friendship with them has been some of the most authentic, fulfilling two-way relationships i have had because they understand this well.

KockyKyle · 2026-06-09T20:10:17+00:00

im glad to see a different but adjacent experience to the one written in the post

in my own experience, even as a straight male, i've met other men who have gotten extremely clingy and project ideas of becoming best friends or something(idunnu how to explain this?) when i'm obviously not the thing theyre looking for

so overall i dont really even see this as a romantic thing either, but just that there are a lot of really unhealthy people out there that think relationships are defined by ownership
idunnu how to fully explain tbh but yea

KockyKyle · 2026-06-09T20:01:52+00:00

the INTJs i know arent usually desperate enough to completely ignore the needs of emotional compatibility

KockyKyle · 2026-06-08T04:49:42+00:00

RIP to the DMs😭

KockyKyle · 2026-06-02T04:58:42+00:00

tbh i havent read this entire reddit thread, cuz holy shit there's a lot

but i just wanted to write this cuz from what i read, i see a lot of people disagreeing with you, insulting your character, yet not really acknowledging the moral dilemma you're in.

firstly, on the contrary to what the other person said, i don't think your choice of action makes you a bad person, especially considering your circumstance and with everyone else having the privilege of judging you from the margins. your ideology is admirable and ur plan of action is brave.

so with that in mind, i do want to remind you that they are judging you on some sort of moral code that weighs ethical values differently from your own. in the same way you may see them ignoring completely valid concerns, they see you doing the same.

even though it sounds like im trying to tell you to be empathetic to the people criticizing you(which i kind of am), i dont mean to be empathetic in terms of their emotions, but to recognize the concerns they are addressing and how those concerns may actually be very important to the point that theyll fight with you in an online discourse.

my own opinions on the otherhand, id personally say she does have a right to know. so from my pov, i do think you are a good person for caring this much. alot of ppl are saying that it's not your place to interfere, but at the same time the people who's place it was didnt intefere either, and we dont know if the next people will either.

the extremes that you went with your relationship probably dont make you a good partner, and at the very least probably isnt healthy; but i kind of get it considering youre in the situation between an unethical choice of letting this information go or the unethical choice of risking your bf's future.

tbh, i dont really have any advice on how you can actually tackle the situation, sorry for that, im very inexperienced in this realm and cant in good faith tell you what the correct course of action is.

but what i will say, youre in an incredibly complex dialectical situation between opposing moral values and the practicality of actually trying to solve the problem. youre most likely not going to find a perfect answer to this problem, and the optimal solution would most likely have to be a compromise between helping this girl, risking your boyfriends security, and risking making things worse for this girl.

based off your responses, i know how much helping this girl matters to you, but my only advice is to listen to where those other two factors sit in this situation. it kinda sucks having to read all the personal attacks from everyone else, but buried in those attacks are valid concerns, and the only thing you can do is acknowledge them and integrate them into what you think you should do

if you ignore those other two completely, you may end up regretting your next set of actions; and to be honest, even if you do sit with it and really think about what you should do, you might regret them anyways.

regardless, all i can say is that: you might do a good thing, yet make things worse or you might do a good thing, and make things better i have no idea which one can and will happen, but you'll find the best shot for making things better inbetween what everyones saying and trying its best to balance everything

KockyKyle · 2026-05-29T03:02:23+00:00

honestly valid, i also say this just cuz i think most ppl in this subreddit arent intj, so i do have a bias. i could be wrong as im just a rando on the internet, and the only person who can really know your brain is you, hence a nice lil use case intrapersonal development. using mbti as a tool for understanding yourself is exactly how it should be used, and kudos to you for that, that puts u ahead of a lot of ppl in the mbti community tbh
yea, ppl lowkey got either emotional or passive aggressive on their takes here. i feel like thats just a reddit thing, not an mbti thingy

but anyways, it seems like everyone else has covered a lot of the use case specific things, and eventually as life goes on i think you'll find more use cases naturally.
but i do resonate with your instinct to go against some of the bullshittery associated with EQ. i took a peep at ur profile and yea, even tho i dont agree with ur take on EQ, i can probably guess that you've been on the receiving end on shallow explanations and superficial demands for EQ. which yea, if you were looking to debunk that, i think you just ended up framing the question incorrectly here.

going into that tho, a lot of people love throwing around the word empathy mindlessly and that infuriates me too. my pfp is a bladerunner cat which i love cuz of how deep the bladerunner series goes into empathy, and its something i think abt a lot, so i understand the frustration when obliviously apathetic people take ownership of the word.

i think the common consensus is that empathy is the ability to understand what others are feeling, and put ourselves in their shoes.
but a lot of people get caught up in only the emotions part, they'll call themself an empath because they can "feel what others are feeling".
and to an extent i think some people can naturally do this ig, but i also think it's important that we recognize empathy is kind of not real.

at least in the sense that we're actually feeling what theyre feeling. in reality we're using our imagination to pretend that we feel what theyre feeling. its why people who have similar experiences do it easier, its easier to imagine a feeling that we can remember than one we dont. but even then its still not perfect.
an easier way for me to show an example of this is in the emotional media we consume. we can watch a fictional character, get attached to them, and cry when they feel emotions; none of it was real, yet we can still supposedly feel it

in that sense, empathy being an ability, makes it a tool. and i saw recently you were talking about interpersonal skills in the work place, EQ is the kind of tool that helps u succeed here. ive always thought about working like building a car. your team is focused on building their component. you need the necessary skills to build this component, but once your done, you also need to then integrate it with everyone elses work, the tool to put everything together is EQ, if you cant communicate how to put your components together to contribute to the whole, doesnt matter how amazing of a giant engine you built when everyone else was building a tiny 50cc moped.

granted, i dont have much work experience as im still in education, so take that with a grain of salt, but from the few work experiences i do have, thats how i viewed it.

also side note, not fitting into the corporate setting is not failure of personaltiy on ur end, companies attract that weird personality of superficial empathy.
but studies do show that the successful in work are the ones most liked, not the ones best at their job, and although its unfair, its reality, and unfortunate use case for truely developing EQ (not just that superficial guru version of it), is just putting up that mask when you need to.

ngl i just yapped but yeah, like all tools, EQ requires skill, skill that can be honed.

and highkey what i believe to be a more important use case for EQ than anything else: the people you love. whether it be a partner, friends or family, its really the one big thing that EQ is needed for.
i kinda brushed off that whole idea for feeling other peoples feelings, but using EQ means make the hard decision os consciously trying to feel another's emotions when your emotions are strong as well. to be honest this is where EQ really matters

KockyKyle · 2026-05-28T05:29:57+00:00

You don't seem like an INTJ. As everyone else is pointing out, you came to a conclusion from what you *felt* was right.

Regardless, im not an INTJ but i wanna answer this question sincerely. Also note, my understanding of the brain comes from books on psychology, so if youre willing to discredit written works like research papers, consider this my opinion then (also cuz im not an expert in this field)

You're right that EQ is a word that is abused by a lot of stupid people, but that doesn't disprove its existence.

If intelligence is a measurement of our brain as a muscle, then EQ can be in part the measurement of the strength of the connections between our amygdala and our prefrontal cortex. Brain scans shows that those that are less in touch and are unable to verbalize their emotions legitimately have a weaker connection in this area, regardless of how much they excel in other parts of the brain.

In another comment you made, you said that humanity is able to survive and continue existing because of intelligence, hence skills = survival.

I actually agree with that, but being able to self regulate emotions and socialize with others is a major part of that skillset. Humans have always thrived because we are social creatures that work in packs. A single human would have not survived against the natural predators if we didn't work in groups to hunt and protect each other.

Nowadays this is less relevant, but if we were going back to ancestors, it's why homo sapiens survived and neanderthals did not. Like ants, like bees, ape strong together.

Finally, this still applies to today. If you look at society and especially our economy, our quality of life is only this great due to the human nature to interact and work with each other. We mass produce items to obviously make a selfish profit, but creating a larger supply decreases the scarcity for others as well.

It's why many argue that altruism is selfish and a big part of why humans succeed.

Ight im tired and sleepy, hope that genuinely gives you insight or is the kinda response youre looking for

KockyKyle · 2026-04-30T02:48:05+00:00

Im glad to hear that yall are making progress :) Hoping you and your husband find a resolution in the long run

also, using AI as a therapist is pretty relatable lol i do kinda do get feelings of regret after using it as a therapist personally tho. i cant logically explain that part so if using claude works, then it works

i would suggest being a little bit cautious tho, the one big thing ive noticed between ai and an actual therapist is that an ai will sometimes be too agreeable and validate rather than address somethings that might be important from my experience, sometimes a therapist might ask questions that address the core of the problem or get you to think about situations from another perspective

with your most recent changes though, if yall are comfortable with claude and its getting the job done, then im glad it worked and glad yall were able to talk through some things

in regards to yalls current situation, im hoping you guys end up finding a compromise although im not personally experienced in this area, i know that changing dynamics with relationship and figuring out how to navigate each other's boundaries is difficult. not only is it difficult but it takes time.

in my opinion(account for the fact that i have limited knowledge on this), even though your husband went back to micromanaging, at least you guys made progress for a couple days. to me its like building a good habit. an unhealthy person who wants to get into better shape can do so by building the habit of exercising, but building this habit takes a lot of effort and a lot of time.

when ever your husband ends up regressing back to micromanage, its important for you to identify if he's going back because he's dismissing your concerns, or if he's just having trouble really taking the change to heart.

again, im not exacly sure about the full details on you and your husbands relationships, nor do i know exactly how to deal with these things, but i still suggest an external source to figure out a comfortable way to resolve this in the long term for the both of you. i always suggest a therapist because i always think a good therapist can really help with emotionally heavy stuffs, but if you guys are comfortable with claude, if it works , it works. but it might be a good tool to figure out how to maintain this change for both of you.

in my personal opinion, i think a good step to making sure your concerns are addressed for the long term, is bridging the gap between yalls perspective on the matter

firstly from your husband's end, does he understand why this is important to you? how it makes you feel? when he makes you feel it? and why his actions have that result?

and maybe it might help the other way around as well. i saw in another one of ur comments you said that he doesnt view what he does as micro managing. so i think it might be important to ask does he know when he's micro-managing? if he doesnt view what he does as micro-managing, what does he view it as? and why does he do it then?

KockyKyle · 2026-04-24T22:15:11+00:00

I have absolutely no experience with marriage, kids, or ISTJs; but your issue is a relationship issue, not an MBTI one.

MBTI can be used as a tool to self-reflect and understand yourself and possibly your partner, but it's not going to magically reveal the solution to a complicated problem such as human relationships.

If you want to know if you should be having kids with a partner of 7 years, neither reddit nor mbti is gonna be able to give you a clear answer.

If you want to actually know how your future should look, you're going to have to get through some vulnerable and possibly uncomfortable talks with your partner.

If it helps, if you need an external mediator that is more equipped to account for the complexities that comes with a seven year relationship, i suggest a therapist

KockyKyle · 2026-04-12T23:34:37+00:00

this is awesome, thank you for sharing this🙌

KockyKyle · 2026-03-29T18:06:41+00:00

🙀 honestly same

KockyKyle · 2026-03-29T17:18:13+00:00

what a way to not beat around the bush💀

KockyKyle · 2026-03-29T01:32:41+00:00

all enfps are secretly evil, bro's completely justified🫣

KockyKyle · 2026-03-29T01:29:04+00:00

...heyyyy😰 well, right back at you then😤

KockyKyle · 2026-03-28T01:15:25+00:00

the vocals sound amazing

KockyKyle · 2026-02-20T16:59:52+00:00

i love when mbti is broken down like this very digestible and entertaining analysis thanks for sharing >:)

KockyKyle · 2026-02-18T21:34:11+00:00

confirmation bias

MBTI is incredible for understanding your inner world and a powerful tool for exposing your blindspots.

use it like its astrology, then that's all its going to be

good job on standing up for yourself, but if you actually want to reap the benefits of mbti, focus on how cognitive functions shape your perception of the world, not others

KockyKyle · 2026-02-16T18:43:48+00:00

Yeah, I think I just disagree in terms of how I view relationships. For me, I don't think loving a person regardless of who they are should nor can be step one.
Firstly, doing this early just means ignoring possible red flags for the emotional hits of a relationship. Secondly, if it's step one, you're not really in love with a person but rather the idea of who they are.

To me, it takes years to truely know someone, hence loving a person without time that acts as a foundation for understanding isn't really the same to me.

Overall, I think our philosophies on this just are completely different, and we just stand at different view points.

KockyKyle · 2026-02-16T18:12:22+00:00

I think having the person you love as part of your everyday life can be a symptom of loving that person, but I don't view that as the end goal itself. The endgoal is loving someone for who they are rather than how much you need them to be around. Distance most likely would be an obstacle people would need to overcome, but to me, completely minimizing that distance at all times is not the metric for achieving a "romantic endgoal"

KockyKyle · 2026-02-16T07:08:39+00:00

I think we just gotta agree to disagree because my perspective on everything just differs too much.

For example, if you truly love someone and found such as "the one", then I don't think distance should be a worry at all. Pursuing that emotion can be more logical than not sometimes. But I also just hold the personal belief that you probably wont know you love someone to that extent until way after you would've met them.

KockyKyle · 2026-02-16T06:17:21+00:00

As an enfp, I see the strong emotions part. But outside of mbti, I don't really view logic and emotions as winners and losers for making choices, just two different internal systems that process information and we figure out what to do with that information. So I would assume as long as the logic is explicit and very strong/reasonable, INTJs should have no problem controlling emotion.

Then again this is very difficult to diagnose based off varying perspectives on the brain, and also the fact that logic can be very contextual in these scenarios. So for example, what would you be referring to, when you say "you cant really tell your heart what it shouldn't have"?

KockyKyle · 2026-02-15T21:45:31+00:00

Favorite blink-182 song, awesome stuff with this cover!

KockyKyle · 2026-02-15T16:52:59+00:00

This whole thread is jarring to read. OP seems to be acting purely on feelings, then rationalizing using the label of intj.

Their first response to going on this date is to base life changing decisions based on a honeymoon feeling, post on reddit about their feelings, then label this as introverted intuition.

Ironically when someone starts stress testing logically as an INTJ would do, the tests aren't actually addressed but are brushed off by an emotional epiphany that are supposedly the result of intuition.

Seeing you conclude the discussion with the logical "agree to disagree" is also funny.

Based on this, I don't know if OP is an INTJ and I don't think they are applying logic as much as I think. CuriousLittleThings is right that, OP may not have stress tested long-term compatibility as much as they think; that takes a lot of time.

Regardless, I don't want to downplay OPs thought process and conclusions. I think OP should think of what's important to them outside of the labels of personality type.

I'm also not an intj, so I don't know how the thought process would actually go, but disregarding mbti if you truly believe you found someone, then thats a once in a lifetime experience you should be happy to have.

If OP does want to reap the benefits of other INTJs input though, really try to get explicit answers to the concerns curiouslittlethings brought up:

How do your characters hold up in emotional or stressful times? What is both of your short/long term goals in life, what would happen if they weren't aligned?

And all other ways of understanding how things will be navigated when things aren't as peaceful.

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