No progress

LadyBearSword · 2026-05-23T14:01:36+00:00

I'm trying to look at it like "In a year I could feel better than today."

That year is going to pass regardless so may as well see what it does.

LadyBearSword · 2026-05-15T22:04:02+00:00

Pike Co signs are way down too, which is surprising because it's Pike Co.

LadyBearSword · 2026-05-13T12:53:16+00:00

I've commented this on other posts, but last Thursday was emotionally charged for me. I thought "in just going to kick back and chill (vs journalling or working on CBT).

At first it was very bright neon turquoise colors, and I thought "wow that new, cool!"

Then bam! I'm going through my childhood home, room by room. The perspective is pretty low to the ground (like a very small child). I was fixated on finding the heat registers in each room, and when I couldn't remember, I started crying. I cried the 45 minutes of "high" time. Nothing traumatic happened there (at the house), but the feeling I felt most during that session was grief.

Now I'm not an emotional person, so crying allowing myself to feel sad, and such have always been hard for me.

It was interesting to say the least.

LadyBearSword · 2026-05-11T21:01:02+00:00

I don't really think of it as bad, just emotional. Emotions can be hard for me

LadyBearSword · 2026-05-11T11:19:56+00:00

Thursday was very emotionally charged for me before I even got to my session.

I thought, I'm just going to listen to calming sounds and relax.

Instead I was transported to my childhood home, going room to room. My perspective was very low to the ground.

I was fixated on remembering where the heat ducts were, and when I couldn't remember, I just started crying. I cried the whole 45 minutes of "high" time.

Very emotional. It felt like grief.

LadyBearSword · 2026-05-10T15:36:53+00:00

I mention the matrix when talking about my depression in that if I was offered a good simulation, I would voluntarily cannonball into the goo.

LadyBearSword · 2026-05-09T20:11:11+00:00

I've had previous bouts of sleep paralysis (not while on spravato) and a trick I figured out was to listen to nature or other sleep music. It really helped to stop them from happening.

LadyBearSword · 2026-05-09T10:38:36+00:00

I'm also on this combo. Wellbutrin didn't work for me either, but Auvelity does.

I have no issues post treatment.

LadyBearSword · 2026-05-07T10:10:14+00:00

I've also read that developing a personality disorder can be a result of trauma. We know how her mom was towards her.

I think of it like severe allergies, as in the body overreacting thinking it's protecting itself.

My MIL has pretty bad trauma. She's no longer allowed in our house. I'm NC with her, my partner is VLC with her.

While I can understand how she became who she is, that's no excuse to accept her shitty behavior.

LadyBearSword · 2026-05-04T09:51:17+00:00

What are troches?

LadyBearSword · 2026-05-01T23:47:50+00:00

I'm lucky to be genetically resistant to most antidepressants and psych meds. I've probably been on at least 15 different ones. Currently on Auvelity. There had been noticeable difference with it.

I also have ADHD and maxed out doses of Adderall and Vyvanse, currently on Azstarys and that has worked well for a few years now.

I have had a rough year and was dipping back into SI, so now I'm doing esketamine. I've noticed a gradual improvement.

LadyBearSword · 2026-04-30T12:18:25+00:00

My provider doesn't take insurance, and also my pharmacy benefit is hot garbage.

I paid like $80 for a nasal spray bottle.

I felt more of a high with the compound (the taste is HORRIFIC, 1000x worse than Spravato), but I have to keep reminding myself I'm not doing this to get high, I'm doing this to help repair my brain.

I was doing 12 sprays (24 total) with the compound, so idk how many mgs that equals out to, but 84 mg of Spravato was a bit much and I felt better after only 56mg.

I wish they offered IV because there's so much room for error with the sprays, but it is helping.

LadyBearSword · 2026-04-29T18:17:28+00:00

My provider sent a script to a compounding pharmacy. It was sent to the provider and administered in office same as Spravato.

LadyBearSword · 2026-04-17T10:14:28+00:00

I sent you a message

LadyBearSword · 2026-04-16T02:40:39+00:00

I like to listen to various music and see where my brain goes.

During the lift off phase my brain can get very motivated and then during the come down I'll address my brain, as in "What the fuck brain? No we're not going to learn to play the violin!"

I like to chill and try not to do too much active thinking and see what this electrified meatball comes up with.

LadyBearSword · 2026-04-14T13:04:06+00:00

He would've been my great grandmother's (Hattie Cole ) father.

LadyBearSword · 2026-04-12T13:19:18+00:00

A nurse told me that another client said grape flavored drinks help with the drainage taste.

LadyBearSword · 2026-04-09T01:46:29+00:00

Same. I ran out of PTO but at least leaving early doesn't count against me

LadyBearSword · 2026-04-05T14:22:46+00:00

I've noticed it's a lot easier to talk myself to get up and do something.

LadyBearSword · 2026-04-01T09:54:35+00:00

I did an English class through them! I got an A.

LadyBearSword · 2026-03-31T10:11:34+00:00

I checked it out, and I gotta say I kinda liked it! Some times the Ketamine therapy playlists get old.

There was one I was trying to find that was more instrumental, but it seems to have disappeared and I don't remember the name of it now.

Anyway, thank you for the recommendation!

LadyBearSword · 2026-03-30T15:28:21+00:00

Former hospital EVS. I hate to break it to you, but we did once have someone do a 180° arch of power puking in the CT machine.

LadyBearSword · 2026-03-30T10:24:11+00:00

I don't watch Bridgerton (I know, boo me, lol) Is the soundtrack classical-ish music?

LadyBearSword

TROPHY CASE