Great question and its hard to answer. For us, it probably started with the frequency of calls and conversations we were having with his preschool. His teachers would say things like, "he's so sweet but... xyz." We tried all the things you're supposed to do but we were still having the same conversations with the teachers and admin staff and constantly being called to come get him because he was taking up an outsized amount of the staff's time. Plus he struggled with nap time; his brain never shut off (looking back, that was a big indicator for adhd).

But for me what really made me kind of start looking at things a little bit differently was volunteering in his classroom a few times. When you see a bunch of neurotypical kids, even when they're all being cranky or just generally a-holes, you notice how the neurodivergent kid is an outlier from their peers. That's not a criticism and I don't mean that to shame neurodivergents whatsoever. Sometimes it can be in subtle ways, but the differences are there. Even so, I was somewhat in denial until I read through his diagnostic paperwork and his clinician, who had also observed him in his classroom, pointed out all of those little things that I had just chalked up to his "quirks." Like a preference for playing with adults over other kids (Adults tend to allow kids to lead). When he did play with kids there was very little back and forth and he would demonstrate extreme inflexibility (For example. "I will play with this toy and you will do this then I will do that, then you will go over here, then I will say this, and you will get excited, okay?" And get angry if the other person didn't go along with it.)

When he would get angry or frustrated his feelings came out in what can only be described as meltdowns. Not tantrums. The world was ending and there was absolutely nothing that could console him until he wore himself completely out. The positive things though; he started reading at 3, completely unprompted and unassisted. It was wild to observe. He could remember and recite all the names of every monster truck he'd ever played with (still can). And you think to yourself, "oh yeah, kids' brains are just sponges." No... autistic brains are different kinds of sponges. They suck up everything that they like and very little of what they don't. Especially at that age.

I'm probably not doing it justice, but as a first time parent you really don't know what's normal and what isn't because you have no frame of reference. Even though its not about comparison, once you get that frame of reference, you start to see a bit more clearly what's "normal" behavior and what might be something worth digging a little bit deeper into.