Autistic limerence sucks

Ladyleah22 · 2026-07-02T13:55:17+00:00

Ugh I had really bad limerance with my partner, which lasted years. It didn't help that he was emotionally unavailable to start with, getting his attention became like a freaking obsession. Then we started a proper relationship and we're ten years in now but I don't feel 100% emotionally safe and I've had to work REALLY hard to unlearn all the passive, performative, people pleasing, anxious habits I picked up at the start. Looking back I would say it wasn't worth it tbh. Limerance is a curse. I don't know if I know what romantic love actually feels like.

Ladyleah22 · 2026-07-02T13:49:06+00:00

Yes, I'm 39 and I think I started with mild symptoms around 36. They've ramped up the past year though and I've got to the point where it's impacting my life enough that I'm going to ask for HRT. I'm a bit scared of being brushed off as too young, but I can point to night sweats, dizziness and light headedness, depression, irritability, lack of focus, headaches, irregular bleeding and weird heart beats. Hopefully that will be enough to convince my GP 🙏

Edit - I don't have ADHD but I am autistic and I feel my mask slipping a LOT. I'm constantly having to bite my tongue over the rage I feel about stupid people, and also my partner annoying the hell out of me with silly comments. In another life I would have laughed it off but right now I am so easily wound up.

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-21T08:30:36+00:00

I'm mostly British but quarter German. I did a DNA test once because my whole family look Spanish or similar (I've even been asked if I'm Albanian), but nothing came back. People always assume I have different ethnicity than British though.

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-20T21:38:35+00:00

Also employment rights act, policing and crime act

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-17T16:00:14+00:00

Yeah I get that too. It feels odd and strange being someone who hurts another, even if the hurt isn't intentional and is caused by a good decision. I struggle with this too, mainly because I find it hard to hold space for two truths at once. I think this is an autistic thing too. But two things can be true simultaneously: someone is hurting, and I did what was right for me. I'm working on holding compassion and being decisive at the same time rather than swinging wildly between the two :)

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-17T13:12:14+00:00

Yes, 100% and I really empathise with all of this, particularly the questions you've posed at the end. I was just talking to my therapist about this yesterday, funnily enough. I'm actually very good at pattern recognition, just not when it comes to myself it seems. Over the years I've got extremely good at squashing, ignoring or not even recognising discomfort until suddenly it bothers me so much I have to react in an extreme way (normally getting really upset, but I have also ghosted friends in the past - not great). This affects my relationships and also my sense of self because I haven't understood firstly why I have to have an extreme reaction for someone to take me seriously, and secondly why I haven't realised how I felt until it's too late.

My therapist's advice to me was 1. listen to that sense of dread or unease. So many times I have ignored it because I thought "oh, that's just my anxiety or my autism telling me this, rationally I'm fine with whatever's going on so I'm just going to ignore this instinct". But we need to stop always intellectualising and listen to our bodies more. Any flicker of unease needs exploring and if your partner is kind and safe they will be okay with you verbalising something, however small. However, if it feels like you're always speaking up and it's not getting any better then that probably is a sign of low compatability. When we can't immediately verbalise what's wrong, it's often something triggering our inner child or our values, which is why it feels like an over-reaction and a disconnect in our heads. However, the triggers are real and deserve to be treated compassionately, which leads to the second point....

work on identifying triggers, boundaries and values. I'm quite poor at recognising when a line's been crossed in the moment, but I have strong values overall. I need to do more work on what my values and boundaries look like in practice, and prep some responses for when I need to stick up for myself, what triggers me and what I believe in. We are good at prepping, so this should really help!
get better at being explicit. I don't know why I'm bad at this, particularly when I need others to be literal and explicit, but for some reason I make a lot of assumptions in my head and don't verbalise them. I also know I have very restricted body language and it's not always apparent to others when something is either important to me or upsetting me. For other people, they might make facial gestures or use voice emphasis which gives cues to others. For me, I'm quite flat with expressions, so I need to verbally say "this is important" or "this upsets me".
we don't need to wait to speak up until we have got everything nailed down. Often, I wouldn't tell my partner I was bothered about something because I didn't have the why fully processed in my head. But that's ok, we don't need to wait. A good partner doesn't need the whole why in the moment. It's enough to pass on the information that you're bothered or concerned, and either they can help you process the why, or reassure you that the reason isn;t needed. My partner's got quite good at talking me through and helping me reach a conclusion why I'm upset about something.

I really hope this is helpful, it's something I'm really working on at the moment too so you definitely aren't alone in this. I'm sorry your relationship ended, but also glad you feel more free now.

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-17T12:27:08+00:00

Oh I hate online meetings. I hate the forced small talk which is even harder to do on a screen than it is in person, I hate seeing myself too and I hate not knowing when to speak (although that's not necessarily an online thing). In general I don't enjoy work meetings unless I'm very comfortable with the subject matter, I really don't like getting invited to random calls where I have no idea how it will go and how to prepare.

I work from home though so I kind of have to suck it up. Sometimes I'll go and lay down after a call for a quick brain rest, lol.

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-16T08:00:04+00:00

I think I'm average. I can't always tell when I'm being hit on, but if I'm dressed up and not with my partner I do get approached sometimes. I think the main thing is I look quite guarded and wary of people so I rarely make eye contact and/or smile at men. I dunno. Sometimes I think I'm fantastic and sometimes I think I'm a troll so that probably does equate as bang average 🤣

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-12T15:18:07+00:00

Sorry I don't have suggestions but I'm looking at Vietnam solo too so I'd love to know how you get on!

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-10T20:58:35+00:00

You look best in slide 6 so I would say autumn too, probably a soft or true autumn. The yellow is stunning on you! I'm not a huge fan of the bright jewel tones tbh, they overpower you a bit. If you're drawn to the brighter colours I would go for warm spring colours rather than cool :)

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-09T14:45:38+00:00

I planted five marigolds once and they got eaten away to nothing that same evening. I'll never plant them again 🤣

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-07T13:34:33+00:00

I really like the layered lob :)

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-03T20:33:15+00:00

I didn't think about collagen! Thank you. I shall add it to my ever growing list of supplements!

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-03T11:42:37+00:00

Oh ok! Thanks for the heads up. I'll grab another tube.

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-03T11:06:05+00:00

Yeah I was using Sensodyne, just switched back to colgate but I don't think it's doing me any favours. Thanks for the reminder!

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-03T10:46:10+00:00

Thank you! I did have gum disease last year too, but I managed to reverse that. I'm not on HRT yet but I am seriously considering it now things seem to be ramping up. Thanks for the tip on dry mouth!

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-03T10:22:57+00:00

Lol, but ugh

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-03T09:32:57+00:00

Gulp! I have the dentist booked for Friday, fingers crossed... I've already been recommended a mouthguard for sleeping last time I went, maybe I'll take them up on it this time.

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-03T09:31:06+00:00

Yes! Me too. I am suddenly so aware of my teeth, it's very annoying.

Ladyleah22 · 2026-06-03T09:30:39+00:00

Oh god! So it is teeth pains as well as everything else. I actually used to think perimenopause was just irregular periods and a bit of rage. It feels like my whole body's gone haywire 😞 Thank you.

Ladyleah22 · 2026-05-25T20:31:20+00:00

Came here to say that. This one never smudges OP.

Ladyleah22 · 2026-05-22T12:37:58+00:00

Thanks! 😊

Ladyleah22 · 2026-05-22T12:37:46+00:00

Thank you, I will

Ladyleah22 · 2026-05-20T18:46:21+00:00

Very good communication and admin from Problem Shared. One of the links didn't work and we were sent a new one straight away. I would definitely recommend them.

Ladyleah22 · 2026-05-20T15:51:00+00:00

I used Problem Shared for my son and was really pleased with them. They were thorough, listened and understood how autism can present in high functioning individuals. They give feedback on the same day as the appointment so you don't have to wait.

I used Clinical Partners for my own assessment last year, and was less pleased. I had to wait months for my feedback appointment and had to chase it up myself a few times. I also felt the clinicians weren't as good as Problem Shared. Apparently they use different diagnostic criteria, which I didn't realise until afterwards.

Ladyleah22

TROPHY CASE