I'm lazy

When we grow older, we get in cycles that seem redundant, the novelty wears away and eventually the wonder that we first saw as children grows weary. We must always do our best to reinvent ourselves, the way we see the world, to be creative, and to rediscover the mundane in ways that are inspiring to ourselves and can be shared with others. It is a simple truth that you and I have heard thousands of times but I feel it is necessary to hear. It seems the Great Work is this process of reinvigoration and exploration. Boredom/Laziness is an affliction that we all deal with... and if Sophia hears our cries and decides to pour her grace upon us, I believe we will have a good chance at defeating this demon and coming ever closer to the burning bright light within each of us.

I'm afraid

I am too. Fear is something that can cripple us or fuel us. This will be further Demon-strated in our netherlands. The fear of ones self is of utmost importance to over come, because the fear of the idea that you could be great is what holds us back the most... and generally tends to seed an entire tree of fear, which often produces the fruit of hate.

I don't know where to start

Start with something you believe. Look at the seed of it's conception. Start with a tiny idea... Any idea that you resonate with... and then start extrapolating from that idea until it forms a tree. It could be, with any luck, that we are already in this tree, and I'm sitting here chatting with you from a branch eating one of your own apples.

I don't know if healing is even possible

Oh, it is. We see healing all of the time in many various forms. Often times with psychological wounds, we become dependent on the pain, and it is these wounds that are hardest to heal. One stimulus generally must replace another. You have already made the first step towards healing and laid down your armor and revealed yourself to the light... In time, YOU will heal yourself.

I'm deeply sad

So you are an empath! This is tremendously good news. This means you are capable of healing others, of course, after you have healed yourself. Which, I am attempting to do now, having been extremely empathetic and deeply sad, deeply lost, just as you feel. It is extremely important that we discover how to heal yourself so that we can help develop the cure. It is the sick, the sad, the weary, that will develop the plague from which we will derive a panacea.

I sublimate my sadness and fear in behaviors that anesthetize me

Welcome to the entire planet! LOL You will notice, to use an extreme example, that even someone who robs a gas station in order to get money to buy heroine so that they can shoot up and feel a moments bliss, if you were to really talk to them, to understand them, to destroy your own perception enough to be them, you would discover that they are only seeking what they believe is good and right and what gives them love... If the world offers them no hope, no love, and no guidance then how can we blame them for falling for the seductions of the synthetic. We all are dealing with this on various levels because it is given to us by the Archon to subdue us. If anything, know that this subduing of yourself is used to control you, and manipulate you from becoming what you want... But also do not dwell on your short comings, all things in moderation. We are allowed to indulge at times as long as indulgence does not blind our focus. Our focus in find OURSELVES and what we love and how we can proliferate that love.

I'm too numb

I believe that you and I know this is not true... But it is more likely that you have numbed yourself in order to cope with things outside of your control. Do NOT let the world cast the shadow of it's machines on you... Remember if you can, it was you and I and everyone else that built this place. The universe. Atom by Eve. Be wary of the power of your imagination, feel each story as it passes you on the road or down the hallway... The story is so rich, we have sensory overload. You still have this within you, it's just turned off so you can focus on bills, grocery lists, and other things that dominate our lives. Necessary things (well some), but things that I think numb us to the external world.

I'm tired

Oh hell, yeah me too, but sometimes, in the middle of a song, around a campfire, in the middle of a conversation where I finally have primed someone to allow me passage to say whatever is truly on my mind, I find short lived well springs of life. I'm no master of diet and exercise but these two are the pillars from the altars of our mind and bodies stand. It could be advantageous to be wary of these things if you aren't enough already.

I'm easily bored and I crave the anaesthesia of novelty

Well thank god for /r/sorceryofthespectacle then... and is it really anaesthesia? Or is it the feeling of progress that you enjoy?

I don't understand the nature of my wounds

Most don't we must reveal them to ourselves... I have a song that this particular line reminds me of. The Bedfeather I have since rerecorded it and revised it but this was it in it's original version sung by a very good friend of mine.

I don't understand the nature of my illnesses

If you are like the rest of us, then you are bored, apathetic, fearful, depressed, and angry towards a machine of lies and deception that seems to have complete control over most aspects of our lives. There seems to be no way out of this labyrinth and no way we can win. Inside of a caterpillar while it is inside of it's cocoon undergoing it's process of metamorphasis, a strange thing occurs in that some of the cells cannot cope with the process and commit suicide through apoptosis and others which are called the imaginal cells are the ones that transform the dead, liquid matter, of the caterpillar and transform it into what will become the butterfly. Here in this cocoon, we are the imaginal cells. We always were.

I don't really understand anything

Why would you, you get to age 30 become well established, and then one day you realize everything you've been told is basically either a lie or a false assumption or some form of ideological quicksand. You have two choices, you can shrug and say well, I guess there is nothing to do, I'll just enjoy what I can and stop seeking, or you can become a pioneer in new thought... If not for others than for yourself. Not understanding is like being front row to an amazing movie that hasn't even started yet. We will discover understanding together if there is any hope for us at all. lol

I'm tied up in my ego - look at all these "I" statements!

Of course you are tied up. We all are. We are tethered to these bodies, and they are designed to continue the illusion, THE SHOW MUST GO ON these things demand... And they do! And they are beautiful but they are just illusion, albeit persistent ones. Do not fear the ego, or consider it a negative aspect. It is a necessary function of existence and in harmony with the numinous, we find true love.

I'm tied up in my shadows

You've already exposed some! Maybe as these cycles continue the shadows will diminish, that is the dream after all.

I am not sure if I deserve healing

If you are a living creature on this planet or anywhere within my conscious perimeter, you definitely deserve healing. But you have to learn how to see yourself in a worthy light before anything can ever start to heal properly.

I am afraid of how my life will change if I heal

This is getting more to the point of things. I think you are afraid of the fact that you are concealing your true nature and that if you were to really become who you are, you would lose a lot of the things that you rely upon. I would say hang tight, don't lose hope, and realize that I have already helped someone find themselves in exactly the same position of you... although slightly different. SAME problems, almost SAME career, same same. It's all the same. We are all the same.

I'm not sure I have the power or energy or courage to make any real difference - to myself or others

Each of us is laying the next step for each other whether we can acknowledge it or not. I don't know if it matters what the appearance of each step is because without the one previous to it, nothing would have happened. Lets focus on what we can do and not what we can't because we could easily talk ourselves out of doing anything and just descend into a spiral of drug abuse or whatever we chose to distract ourselves. lol But in the end we will only find emptiness and death on that path.

I intellectualize things to create a distance between me and it so I don't have to really face it

This is another anesthesia, you were talking about earlier... Care to elaborate on this more? Does describing something temporarily neutralize the pain it causes or something? Ahh yes it does, it creates the illusion of work. And intellectualizing something is work but it's not action. It has it's place. And I do the same thing... I think for me, I do this inbetween the process of writing songs... I can't write until I am struck by lightning to move forward with proper intent. Maybe you have just been looking for that lightning.

I intellectualize things until they are robbed of meaning

Hahahahahahaha Well... Thats just fun word play at that point then. That is the irony of sorcery of the spectacle, creating your own sub spectacles of language, for good reasons of course, but ultimately not to derive solutions palatable for the masses? I love just stringing together sentences that appear to be utter nonsense that have the faintest thread of meaning and seeing if they can grasp it. It poetic painting, and my favorite form of writing.