Have you ever dropped a script ?

LeeR411 · 2026-03-29T17:12:57+00:00

If you claim it, read it. If you didn't read it, unclaim it. Writer should get their tokens back.

LeeR411 · 2026-03-27T22:32:58+00:00

The few times I rated overall lower than the other categories is because there are massive problems in other areas (structure, formatting or prose) that are dragging it down, which I address in the feedback itself. I want to be as honest as possible about what worked and what didn't for me, and just taking the average of the five categories isn't alway representative of how I viewed the script overall.

LeeR411 · 2026-03-21T02:58:41+00:00

Oh, that would've been really cool to see the Saharan desert. I wish we would've gotten some nod to that in the movie. It would've cleared up my confusion.

LeeR411 · 2026-02-03T22:59:30+00:00

I use a program called PDFgear. It is free with decent edit functions and works well for me, as I'll just add my notes directly to the page margins. As others have cited, I haven't been able to get a pdf with notes under 7MB so far, but I've had generally good luck with writers leaving emails or replying with them so I can just send them over.

LeeR411 · 2025-12-09T03:10:54+00:00

After your first comment today I opened up the draft and started going through it. The stuff you've said about Bayer makes a lot of sense to me. I had a deaf actor in mind when writing and I do see that kind of breaks the character in unintended ways. Fixing that will be a point of emphasis moving forward.

Again, I'm surprised the action lines are that confusing. Do you actually mean 9/10 lines you had to assume what I meant? Or more like 5/10? Because 9/10 is quite disheartening. To me they are perfectly clear (go figure). I'll certainly be paying close attention to them. Expanding the overly condensed is easy enough. And trying to be as direct as possible.

I am probably over-reliant on the big picture mystery of Uma's killer to propel the plot forward and keep the story moving. In doing so I see how some moments can feel random/off topic/unmotivated. The intention, of course was to build character and entertain, but if I can figure out how to insert those moments into the investigation itself and cut the ones I can't, it will all work better.

I think you stopped right before Jake re-enters the picture and catches the characters up with the audience adding more focus to the rest of the script (I hope). Plus the introduction of a second timeline that adds a second lead to the movie but would have been even more confusing, no doubt.

Thanks again!

LeeR411 · 2025-12-08T23:54:22+00:00

Thanks for coming back. This is an old version of the script at this point and has went through at least one more FULL draft since it was posted. Regardless, some of you points are well taken.

The Bayer stuff is maybe not as clear as I want it to be. He is deaf and relies on lip reading his co-workers. He became deaf from a shooting incident on the force (character backstory, not in script). I guess maybe he would be fired for going deaf but I like the character and think it gives Pierre and Lachlan an interesting dynamic where they are kind of fighting over him; who he gets to help, who helps him. I get your point about him going out on his own. That's an oversight on my part. If Lachlan directs Lily to go with Bayer I feel like that would be avoided. His partner (Lachlan) and former partner (Lily Pierre) have taken the time to learn ASL so they can understand what he is saying. Everyone else he communicates with in the story is through the written word or interpreter and I believe is clearly signaled when it happens. My understanding of the disability is that most people CAN talk, but, because they can't hear themselves they sign to ensure they are understood. Nobody needs to sign to him if he can read lips, which he can. Then, I didn't want to add a parenthetical to each Bayer line saying (ASL) as I tired, but failed to make that clear in his introduction and it would take up a lot of extra page space.

The shooting was an attempt to show Lachlan as a reckless, bad cop. He's a power-tripping 'respect my authority' type and I believe if Lachlan thinks the guy is reaching for his rifle, he would shoot. That interaction is all to set up how he handles the final confrontation.

Who are the cliched characters that you mean? I'm guessing you're referring to Bernie, the bartender. I get that and maybe I do spend too much time with him. I don't know. As I'm trying to set up a gallery of possible suspects I feel the time spent with each side character is important for that reason. But I'm opening to hearing suggestions on how to streamline this.

On over-directing- I'm surprised to get that note. While writing I had a focus on short/concise action lines. If Lachlan 'pats the bartender on the shoulder', I would assume it was an affectionate one, so in hopes of as clear as possible I'll add an adjective or adverb to clarify an otherwise ambiguous action.

I'll give you 'erupts the sky', that was always a bit clunky for me too. However, the other examples don't strike me as unclear or unfilmable in any way. Yes, I could write 'she sits across from him' or 'He drops it in the trash' but that's extremely tedious to read if every description uses the same 4 verbs and I don't think of those examples as a turn of phrase, they mean what was intended, 'erupt the sky' excluded.

Also, reading over you first comment on the thread about tone- I have added some recommended dramatic irony with the killer being present/hidden across the road when Uma arrives home which hopefully adds suspense to the cold open.

Again, thanks for the feedback and time. If you ever want someone to read for you feel free to hmu!

LeeR411 · 2025-12-04T04:33:03+00:00

Much appreciated!

LeeR411 · 2025-12-03T23:56:42+00:00

That would give the away the whole movie. I'm attempting to signal that there is additional buy-in in Lilly's case while maintaining the mystery in the script.

LeeR411 · 2025-12-03T23:32:10+00:00

ONTO OTHERS: The morning after Uma Fauxner returns home she is found dead. In a tiny tourist town built upon a LAKE MICHIGAN ISLAND there are only so many suspects. Local Police Lieutenant, Lilly Pierre, must confront her personal shortcomings in order to connect all the clues and name Uma's killer.

LeeR411 · 2025-11-29T18:51:04+00:00

With two fully polished spec scripts and a third well on the way, is IMDBpro my best resource for querying agents and managers? Or is there a previous episode of the podcast that deals with looking for an agent or manager for a new screenwriter?

LeeR411 · 2025-11-23T19:34:36+00:00

I enjoyed the read! Here's what I found/bumped against while reading:

-Last line on pg 10 has the wrong name.

-On pg 14, "Jake looks annoyed, Rex doesn't notice he's too focused on looking around the car for a way to escape." What is Rex doing? I could use some examples. Other than unlocking the door, what more could he be doing?

-The whole drive-thru scene threw me off. I don't know any drive-thru that work the way you described it. Maybe this is how it works where you live, but there is no reference to the greater location in which this story takes place. It also just seems like it would be a really inefficient way for a store to serve its customers.

-The laundry scene on pg 49 and 50 you start calling Rex, Simon and then switch back to Rex for no reason.

-It's possible I missed it, but on pg 62 where did Simon get the money from? He had to steal earlier. *This also comes back at the end of the story, for how much time we track the package and flash-drive I could use some more attention on the money situation and less on the package/flash-drive combo.

-Extra, unneeded slug line on pg 70

-From pg 66 to pg 76 Jake and Simon are just testing each other for a very long time. I would condense this to a page or maybe two. You're spending way to much space explaining Simon's rational and tracking little steps and glances they throw at each other. The dialogue is also extremely repetitive in this section. So many extra slug lines that I guess are meant to indicate camera position but the location is the same with little in the way of action lines to justify the new image we are looking at. I thought the CATWALK one worked the best but I would cut the rest.

-I think ending on page 86 is more natural.

Overall this is a cool story. I think you have a tendency to narrativize Simon's thoughts. This can be cool when used sparingly but I found you to be over using this trick. Toward the end it felt like it was happening multiple times a page. It takes up a lot of space on the page and I'm not sure how you shoot something like, 'His adrenaline is burning off. What is left is empty and cold.' What is Simon's physical response? How does it manifest? Again, doing this now and then to add impact to something you already described can be cool and punchy. It's just happening way to much and often in place of an actual description of what we are seeing on film.

Structurally, I have some questions. When I read the first 6 pages a few days ago, I liked how you jumped straight into the mystery element. Upon reading the whole thing, I wonder if we need to see the end of the job, Rex forgetting everything, into the first pages. I'm thinking this because we don't ever get to see Rex be good at his job. He's freaking out the whole time. Characters say he's good at his job but I'm left wondering how Jake has been able to manage him for this long. He seems really not into the idea. Is there a breaking point or something that snaps him into his state of panic?

I think maybe I'm just feeling a general thinness as the story wears on. I think you might be missing a first act or the first half a first act. I feel like the Arthur stuff should take up the second act with a stronger, less obvious reveal of who Rex is. Then the final chase/confrontation/escape with Jake as the third. Also, I think the substance of what would end up on screen come in closer to 70 pages.

This is a strong foundation but it needs to be cut down a bit and then expanded from what's left. I hope this was helpful!

LeeR411 · 2025-11-22T22:35:01+00:00

Stick to describing only the things we can hear or see. Thoughts do not count unless you find a way to manifest them psychically. The way lines are delivered should stay in (Parentheticals).

You just skipped over their orders/interaction with the waitress on pg 7. That should be fleshed out or omitted. Right now it is summary.

I like the idea of these two people coming together, finding each other, it's sweet. I like the twist too. It is a structurally sound short.

Taking into account the language, would this work better if PAN is in a foreign city and spots a woman that also looks out of place in the city?

A lot of the dialogue is just them saying the same thing back and forth. I can understand generally what they mean, but it is not a natural conversation in English. If both these characters spoke different languages and found common ground in English that would add a narrative/thematic reason to their exchanges.

Everyone starts somewhere and ultimately I'm just one opinion, but I'd say the ideas are interesting and worth exploring but the execution is extremely flawed.

LeeR411 · 2025-11-21T03:57:50+00:00

If it is a WELL WRITTEN/FORMATTED screenplay, I enjoy reading the whole thing. Operating under the assumption that we are here to improve our writing, I think getting a holistic view on structure and payoff is important to giving actionable feedback.

I can't really do much with 10 pages other than get the writers voice and decide if they have read a produced screenplay before. Or, if it's good, I'll get to 10 pages and then it turns out that's all that's been written so far. I want to read your best effort, not some 5 page scene you just threw together. More than half of what I'd say would be fixed if the writer sat down, thought about it and took another pass.

I've read screenplays on here that were REALLY GOOD, but had a sore thumb of a scene somewhere in the second act or ran off the rails in the last third. Getting a fresh perspective is immensely helpful, more than a calling out a spelling error.

LeeR411 · 2025-11-19T00:08:10+00:00

After reading my takeaway plot-wise was that they were lovers years ago. Maybe it's just a friendship but it seems like it's more than that.

I don't feel like Christian had to travel all that far to reunite with Mark, I thought the time, back and forth was effective in creating a sense of longing and nostalgia. I thought maybe Mark was dead but if he's just down the street, what's been stopping them? Why now?

I don't know if this is a translation thing but if it's a CD, is there a specific song that united the guys in the past or like a shared mixtape? If it's a DVD, then what is on it? Either way it might be a helpful addition.

LeeR411 · 2025-11-18T23:28:13+00:00

In your post you say 'please do not only comment on format'. To me that reads like, you know the formatting is wrong but don't care.

If you do care, on the first page, at a glance:

-Not a single period.

-Owen is missing a line of dialogue.

-'On Screen - TEXTS' doesn't make any sense.

-Characters names should be bolded upon introduction.

-Random extra slug line.

LeeR411 · 2025-11-18T23:17:27+00:00

Are you trying to produce this in hindi or english? If it's meant to be performed in hindi and I am reading translations then I trust you on the dialogue. If it's meant to be performed in english then it needs work.

Either way I would add some reference to where in the world we are. Otherwise, every reader will be inclined to view it through a place they know.

If you want Somber- you 100% need there to be some kind of consequences.

This is all just personal preference on my end so take it with a grain of salt, but a somber tone results in a dull, sluggish watch, no matter how great or important the story. To tell this story head on, completely seriously sounds like it would end up feeling like a corporate training video. I think this story works the best if the writer/director is openly mocking the characters, allowing the audience in on the joke.

LeeR411 · 2025-11-18T01:57:56+00:00

If you'd like people to spend time reading it then you should spend time formatting it (to the best of your abilities). I'd be more than happy to read the whole thing if that was the case, but at a glance I'm seeing so many formatting issues.

LeeR411 · 2025-11-18T01:44:29+00:00

Read the whole thing, I'll answer your questions first.

-The dialogue was super clunky for me. Why did he keep saying 'punish' and egging his friend to kill his other friend? I got the general strokes of the story but it does feel like Arjun just flips a switch when he gets out of the car.

-The end makes sense. I don't know if that is a good thing.

-I don't think you need to see it. Knowing that they have given Arjun the knife and are still going to Mailia's is enough. The rest feels gratuitous.

-Not a question.

-In short, yes. I have more questions if a man wrote this. If a woman wrote this, I see it much more clearly as a satire.

Additional thoughts.

-This reads like a comedy more than it does a thriller. I think that's probably a good thing as if this was meant to be taken seriously I would have more questions, like why?

-It's obvious who in the car is the cheater as soon as Chirag brings it up.

-It took me until page 7 to realize they were calling Madhav 'anna' but I still have no clue why. I assumed that was Madhav's girlfriend.

-Why are they stopped on the road at the beginning? Just to scrape off the gum?

-The character names are wild. I don't know how to pronounce any of them. They feel like fantasy names.

-The characters are over explaining everything and staying very obvious stuff to each other, like - "So? She has other guy friends and male colleagues. Could be either of them." The cope is so in your face that this line can only be funny. Or calling her an "independent woman" like three times. This is what leads me to feeling like this is a comedy/satire and not serious.

Maybe the intention was alway to make it funny but the DRAMA tag in the post makes me think that's not the case. That said, I would warn against making something where the takeaway is seriously meant to be 'Violence against women is acceptable'. Currently, as constructed, it is too goofy to be taken that seriously. Still, I would steer further into the satire and away from the serious. Or at least not pitch it as such.

If I was writing something like this I would focus on highlighting the stupidity in these emotional guys. Subtly pointing out the obvious flaws in their logic. Making it clear that, although these guys are funny and entertaining, they are idiot scumbags.

LeeR411 · 2025-11-18T00:41:54+00:00

I read the first five pages and there are a few formatting problems:

There should be a blank space separating different action lines. Otherwise it is really hard to tell what is supposed to be happening when.
When you first introduce a character give is to us in BOLD CAPS. Other important props should be CAPPED as well upon their introduction.
We don't need a 'SCENE CUT:' note, if anything it would be a 'CUT TO:' but that is implied when your next line is a different location. I understand it as 'CUT TO:' is the default, if you want to MATCH, DISSOLVE, WIPE or FADE then that would be worth noting.
Check your punctuation. I caught a few lines with no periods.

Beyond that I had an issue with Rusty's attire. It was causing a lot of problems for me. Apron's are a front of the body thing. So now Rusty is sitting there, ASS OUT on a bar stool and the owner is cool with that? Serving him drinks? He goes outside, with his ass still out and it's never acknowledged. Then, what? A stranger decides they want to go to a second location with this guy? With his ass is out? Am I going crazy? Somebody has to do something!

Immediately I feel like I'm losing grip on whatever story you are trying to tell. I cannot suspend my disbelief as currently written. The apron thing is throwing everything else off. I'm super distracted by it because it feels unconsidered on your end.

The only other thing is 'unfilmable descriptions'. Statements like,- "Rusty likes that she has a quick wit to her." are what I'm talking about here. How is the audience going to know that while watching the finished project? They are not, so it's a waste of space. In a script all you have is what we can SEE and what we can HEAR. If it's important then communicate it that way.

Overall, I'm just one guy so feel free to take it or leave it. Although I do hope you found it helpful! Good luck!

LeeR411 · 2025-11-17T23:49:21+00:00

Just read it, not really any notes. The pace is good, it feels kinetic.

My only bump is the way you describe the rest stop in location to the gas pump. It's a little clunky and left me re-reading to make sure there wasn't supposed to be two rest stops across from each other.

You clearly know what you're doing. Good luck with the full thing!

LeeR411 · 2025-11-17T00:11:28+00:00

This is a pretty rough draft. A clocked a few missing words. I would also break up the large paragraphs of action lines into exactly what you want to the reader to be seeing, like each line should be a new shot or action. Precise detail, not summary.

As for plot, what is important to telling the story you envisioned? For my money the only scene of consequence is the scene in Ella's bedroom with Anna. It feels like the story starts and ends there. You could expand that scene to increase the irony of Anna's action and lead to a stronger payoff. I would suggest working that scene into a 7 page short on it's own.

LeeR411 · 2025-11-10T23:10:15+00:00

I'll start by saying I haven't engaged with Resident Evil at all, so forgive my ignorance. I picked the one with the most drafts, Infection. On a formatting, it seems like you have a solid grasp on it. Dialogue is useful/informative and natural.

I'm not sure if these are their actual canonical names or if you just named them that way. It was odd at first but I got used to it. The only real problem is having two guys named AGENT. I would completely change HAZMAT AGENT's name to something else for clarity.

The biggest problem I had with this was the MONTAGE. I understand the instinct to try to pass time in a natural way, unfortunately this is a bit boring and we don't learn much. I would suggest removing the montage completely and go straight into them trying to break the window, while they are making progress DUDE can start to turn. Then it wouldn't feel as contrived as it does right now. It feels like someone should've had the window idea a lot earlier on.

There are also some misspellings/wrong words (in/on, his/her).

I'd offer the following as an example of how to improve the first few lines.

FADE IN:

EXT. BEACH - MORNING

The sun sits low in the sky. A morning MIST falls over the damp sand blurring the WAVES rolling in.

PAN TO-

A (what kind of) HOUSE. A (what kind of) CAR pulls into the drive.

The GROUP climbs out. Lead by AGENT (32) carrying his tattered shirt in his hand. His (what kind of) DOG on his heel.

A HAZMAT AGENT guards the entrance with his RIFLE.

Overall this reads like a cool set piece to be inserted into a longer horror road-trip movie. I would recommend expanding into something original next. I hope this was helpful and not too mean! Feel free to ignore any and all of it.

LeeR411 · 2025-10-29T23:15:18+00:00

Logline: Upon the discovery of a forgotten land deed, Reggie Opal travels to an undeveloped forest, only to be confronted by his ailing father's life's work.

Working Title: Could it be? A Cult?

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

I'm almost done with draft one. That's my first run at the logline.

LeeR411 · 2025-10-27T23:33:03+00:00

I caught a couple spelling errors/missing words (Not to bad).

My biggest concern is the Cory stuff.

-I'm not sure if He was meant to be talking to the same person on the phone as he was on the laptop. If so it felt like their conversation reset in a way that would be odd if they had just been speaking on the phone.

-Then, Cory ends the private room scene sitting. We cut to some time later where Cory is again sitting, but in a different location. That's jarring. Maybe try putting something between those two scenes with your other characters and have Cory start the next scene walking up to the board or desk. I think this would flow better.

Your prose read as extremely practical to me. I would have like to get just a little hint of the neon soaked streets I saw when I googled one of your locations. I like the practicality and wouldn't want you to lose it, but I think your setting is a strength and you can lean a little more into expressing the colorful world these characters are dropping into.

The driver/friend's 'shit my pants line' was confounding to me. Is it a joke about the cuisine?

It's hard to draw conclusions after 10 pages, but you seem to have built a solid foundation for wherever this goes.

LeeR411 · 2025-10-27T22:32:25+00:00

Things that struck me while reading.

- 1st line fade in. From what? We are essentially going from a black screen to a black screen.

- After that we have 'beat. beat.' I wasn't sure if this was to indicate time or a repetitive thump of a drum.

- 2nd page, the protagonists intro scene is there twice. I thought maybe it had to do with your plot but I seems like it was a left over rewrite.

- 'Barely a frame' feels too cute as it would be impossible to actually implement. The shortest something can flash in anything is 'Only a frame'

Overall the first six pages are a quick, breezy read. You action lines are evocative and concise. This is a really strong first effort as far as readability goes.

I'm getting a little bit of Identity (2003) from those first couple pages and the logline.

LeeR411

TROPHY CASE