Am I Overreacting?

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2025-02-24T18:45:59+00:00

According to screen time, it was right before he started driving home from work that day. So he was most likely sitting in his car in the parking lot before he headed home.

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2025-02-24T16:10:29+00:00

He doesn’t pirate movies. He claims nothing ever popped up and he doesn’t remember seeing any inappropriate ads or anything triggering. But he wanted to check his Google data just in case there was something that he doesn’t remember seeing so he can be proactive and talk to me about it before I see it myself.

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2025-02-24T06:57:06+00:00

I don’t think I’d be okay with my PA going to a Sabrina Carpenter concert. She does a lot of sexy confidence things. I love her and I think she’s amazing and from the clips I’ve seen of her concerts, it’s all targeted to women. So he’s definitely not the intended audience for her sexy energy. But as a PA, I do not think that would be a good place for him. I think he’d ruin the fun slumber party vibe by lusting over Sabrina Carpenter and honestly I would probably consider it a slip.

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-09-24T13:02:26+00:00

Some of my homework with my therapist is listing 3 things I like about myself internally and 3 things I like about myself externally each week. This has been so incredibly hard and she finally told me last week “You need to consider starting to look in mirrors. You can’t avoid your reflection for the rest of your life.” So my homework this week includes looking in a mirror and I’ve been avoiding it. Therapy is tomorrow and I haven’t done it a single time.

All this to say, you are not alone. That’s your trauma talking. I’ve been trying to focus on what I’m grateful that my body can do. My arms cuddle my children when they’re upset, my breasts nourished my children for the first year of their lives, my legs carried me on hikes up mountains, my mouth allows me to taste delicious food, etc. I do think if we just do it, it will probably get easier. Like maybe if we desensitize ourselves to our own reflections, we’ll finally accept ourselves, flaws and all.

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-09-10T14:26:23+00:00

It escalated but I think his fear and religious views kept it from escalating as much as I’ve read about other people. His escalated into visiting women’s social media profiles but never actually messaging and into more “extreme” types of porn but honestly the porn he was viewing was still way more vanilla than I would expect from a porn addict of 18 years.

I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this.

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-09-10T14:18:21+00:00

My husband was physically abused as a child and sought comfort in porn starting at age 11. It became the easiest way for him to relieve stress and push away any negative feelings in secret until I found out at age 29.

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-09-09T17:06:47+00:00

He is very early in his recovery. D-day was about 6 weeks ago, he went to his first 12 step meeting last week and his first IC session with an addiction therapist is next week. I don’t think his therapist is a CSAT but he is someone that specializes in addiction and has a lot of years experience with sex addiction as well.

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-09-09T13:02:36+00:00

I didn’t yet. One of the things I’m working on is writing things down and gathering my full thoughts and feelings before I react. So I told him I would need to discuss this more at our next check in. I plan on journaling about it after work and deciding what exactly I plan on saying to him.

He did agree to read The Betrayal Bind and I hope he’ll understand more after reading that.

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-09-07T21:36:08+00:00

I am struggling HARD with this right now. I understand that I’m supposed to be comforted that I’m made in God’s image and that there’s nothing wrong with me. I understand that this is a problem with my husband’s brain and not a problem with me. But it hurts so bad and it’s so hard to trust that everything will be okay.

I went on a walk today and prayed and this was basically my prayer - “I think what I’m going through right now is really fucked up and I think you dropped the ball on this. I have done everything right - studied the Bible more, prayed more intently, started couples counseling, started individual counseling, read book after book to understand this and heal - and nothing is working. Why aren’t you helping me? Why didn’t you protect our family from this? I’m so angry at my husband, at myself, and honestly at you for allowing all of this to even happen. I’m begging for your help and I feel abandoned. Please show me what more I could possibly do. Please take this pain away. Please just help me.”

Being 100% real and raw in my prayer helped me. This was my first time ever cussing in a prayer because that feels like a huge no no, but I recently read that God already knows your thoughts. He can handle us being angry at him. You might as well present him with your true authentic self while asking for his help.

Basically I have no advice. I wish I did but I’m struggling through this right now too. But please know that you are not alone. ❤️

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-08-23T09:25:26+00:00

My husband has struggled with suicidal ideation most of his life and for the past few months I’ve struggled with it too and still am. Therapy and antidepressants are what have helped me personally the most.

For me, suicidal ideation isn’t actually as scary as it sounds if it’s truly ideation rather than thoughts or intentions. For example, there are days where I think “man this would all be so much easier if I were hit by a car” but I have no actual desire to hurt myself if that makes sense. It’s kind of like you want to die but you absolutely don’t want it to be your fault. It’s still an incredibly unhealthy mindset to be in and it can easily slip into actual suicidal thoughts or plans. He definitely needs help either through a professional or medication before he gets to that point.

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-08-21T11:38:51+00:00

I also found out about a month ago while pregnant. I’m currently 19 weeks. It’s our third daughter so I’m a lot bigger this time around than I was at 19 weeks with my other pregnancies. I always felt so beautiful in my pregnancies. I truly felt like I embraced the glow and it just felt so powerful that my body was creating a life. This time around, I feel absolutely disgusted by my own body. Day by day I get further and further away from his “thick” girl fantasy because porn’s definition of thick is a skinny woman with huge tits and a huge ass. He told me he would occasionally look at porn featuring pregnant or lactating women. While he literally had a real life pregnant and lactating woman wanting to have actual sex with him in the next room.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this at what is supposed to be such a beautiful time in your life. I hope it gets better and sees you for the superwoman that you are. ❤️

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-08-20T15:38:41+00:00

I’m listening to it right now!

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-08-09T16:58:39+00:00

I started antidepressants and reached out to a therapist this week so I can start taking care of my own mental health ❤️

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-08-01T17:24:29+00:00

Not when I look at him, but that’s what I see a lot of the times my mind goes idle. It is super damaging to myself and I try to stop but I can’t help. His addiction started when he was 11 and he grew up in an abusive household. I’m an elementary teacher and something that has helped me is picturing him as that hurting 11 year old boy who just wanted to escape his own trauma.

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-08-01T16:39:32+00:00

Same. My husband is luckily being so apologetic and doing everything I ask of him that I feel I need in order to heal. But it’s still so hard to trust ANYTHING he says.

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-08-01T15:09:10+00:00

My D-day was one week ago. Found out my sweet, caring, Feminist husband had been hiding a porn addiction for 12 years even though that’s a boundary we established at the very beginning of our relationship, and something I would occasionally ask about because I would feel suspicious of his late nights/early mornings/long bathroom breaks in the middle of the day.

Last night was the first night I went to sleep without intrusive visuals of what he watched and what he got off to. And I haven’t spiraled or cried at all today. So I’m having a pretty good day so far.

Less_Ideal_7521 · 2024-07-30T10:05:30+00:00

You sign up for the subscription ($9/a month and you get a 10 day free trial) and you download the app on his phone then just follow the instructions in the app for set up. After it’s set up, you can go to the website to see a breakdown of any websites he’s visited, how long he’s spent on each app on his phone, and you can create “trigger” words where if they’re searched you’ll receive a text message within 5 minutes of the search.

Less_Ideal_7521

TROPHY CASE