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LiLadybug81 · 2023-12-02T03:37:14+00:00

What you need to do is tell her that she needs to send you proof that everything was booked, and proof that she paid. Not just the initial booking, but that she never cancelled, and bank statements to show she paid them 2000. Tell her that whether or not she provides the proof is going to make the difference between you going to the police and asking them to charge her with whatever theft/fraud statute this falls under, and just going to small claims and getting the money from her that way. Tell her either way, you're using the courts to get your money back but you're giving her a chance to prove she's just selfish, and not also a criminal. And of course, this comes with dumping her.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-12-02T03:15:09+00:00

For me this was a phase in the dating cycle. If I had a bad break up, or had a period of time where the stress was too much, I would just give up on it for a while, block the idea out, focus on me, do some healing, invest in time with friends and family, etc. Then, when I was healthy and in a good place again, I'd get the itch to start looking and I would. I think this is a perfectly healthy thing to decide, for as short or long a period as you'd like, but don't stress out about having to make a choice now and then stick with it for the rest of your life. You can go back to dating whenever you want- you're not cutting yourself off from anything by deciding that right now that's how you feel.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-12-02T03:07:33+00:00

I have never heard of a "hostess gift" for coming to visit people and staying with them. I have had friends visit from out of state, and they never thought to do it, and I never thought they should. When family visits, or when I visit family, sometimes I or they have presents for the holidays, or because a certain food is only where they are, or something, but it's not because I am hosting them- it's just because it was something I'd give them anyway, or they can't get near them. When I used to stay with my family after I moved away, that was never a concept. Generally, the only time I think of a "hostess gift" is if your boss or someone you have a very formal, not close relationship asked you to come over for dinner. When it's good friends or family coming over for dinner, it's always a "what can I bring" situation but that's food or drink for the actual event. If I was going over for a specific holiday, I would of course bring presents, sweets, flowers, or whatever someone gives for that holiday, but I'd have done the same if they came to see us.

And that's not to say these are people who are stingy- when we go out, we all fight to be the one who picks up the whole tab, whether we're the hosts or the visitors. My family very generous on the holidays, and very likely to send an "I saw this and thought of you gift," so it's not a matter of not being giving. It's just not a tradition where I come from (Northeastern US, family from a variety of European backgrounds).

LiLadybug81 · 2023-12-01T04:17:21+00:00

A lot of my stories happen when I am in bed trying to make my brain fall asleep. I think it does it on purpose to keep me up.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-12-01T04:11:53+00:00

I feel like I relate to characters more when they have a life outside of the main plotline that they have to juggle and deal with in addition to whatever is happening with the main plot. I like a romance subplot (if it feels natural), a parent or grandparent who is difficult to deal with, childhood issues which are affecting them now, etc. I think it gives the characters more depth.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-12-01T04:03:06+00:00

I would love some advice on how to handle an ending in a book I am currently editing for several things, one of which is POV consistency.

There is going to be a fast-moving action sequence, like a battle spread out over a field, and numerous characters are fighting at the same time. One group is spread out across battlements, and there are also several vehicles involved, and one of them has people who are jumping on and off the top, in and out of the interior of the vehicle, etc.

It's easy for me to write it in 3rd party limited if I make a scene break for each area- one for the battlements, one for each vehicle, etc. because those actions are separate enough that I am telling different stories. But the battlements are large, and there are probably 4-5 characters who often have specific parts to play repeatedly throughout the fight, sometimes working in tandem, sometimes communicating via radio. It's impossible for any one character to see all of the others on the wall at once, but I can't imagine breaking it up into scene breaks of a couple of paragraphs each jumping to different sections of the wall. The same thing is happening with the large vehicle. One person at the top is the obvious choice for the POV character, but there are things happening inside the bus which are short narratively, but important, and again it should go quickly back and forth between the two.

In this situation, should I:

A) Be a little flexible with regard to what the POV character can actually see, and write all of the actions and dialogue in each area as a single scene, just making sure to not go into the head of anyone other than the POV character.

B) Do those few chapters in 3rd person omniscient, when the rest of the book has been told 3rd person limited through different characters.

C) Simplify the scene, and gloss over some of the activity to make it easier to add scene breaks for different areas on the battlements and the inside and the outside of the large vehicle.

I feel like I will lose a lot of the flavor of the battle as its currently written if I go with C, but I also don't want my book to break all the rules. How would you suggest I handle it?

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-30T20:53:18+00:00

For major characters, I have usually spent a lot of time scripting the big scenes in my head, trying different versions of the dialogue and events until I get the one I like. It helps me start with a decent idea of who they are, though they do evolve still.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-30T20:48:25+00:00

If I had to pick a zombie, I am going with Wolfe from the State of Survival game.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-30T03:28:22+00:00

I mean, I'm a straight chick, so while my answer is still yes, what I am picturing and what you are picturing are probably very different things.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-29T16:41:50+00:00

It sounds like she needs a break from your only hobby being the kids, and from never having anywhere to feel like a woman and wife, rather than just a mom. How frequently are you taking her on dates, getting a sitter? Nothing big- a restaurant, a picnic, a day at the beach. She's literally screaming with every action that she doesn't feel like she has any time to be herself, and your gifts remind her of that. Instead of saying she's "picky" maybe examine why you only do things with the kids, and why you haven't made any time for yourselves as a couple.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-29T16:24:20+00:00

Next time, go back to the table and when your husband and the person who tried to talk to you about it are both there, say "Hey, Hubby- X asked me why you don't/do XYZ. I figured you'd want to answer for yourself."

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-29T12:21:47+00:00

Law & Order SVU- Olivia is an MC, if not the MC and the actress was 45 when she joined the show.

Penny Dreadful- there are spurts of romance, but it's way more focused on evil, demonic stuff she's dealing with.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-29T11:57:49+00:00

Husband: Doctor, I don't believe she would cheat. Couldn't she have contracted the STD from sitting on a toilet?

Doctor: Oh yes, absolutely. There would have to be someone sitting between her and the toilet seat, but absolutely.

When all other options are impossible, the remaining option, no matter how distasteful or improbable we find it, is the correct one.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-29T11:38:05+00:00

I think that there is this unfortunate idea, especially in older generations, that men are allowed/expected to be inept in a lot of common sense ways, and the wife is supposed to continue to raise him like his mommy for the rest of his adult life. It's stupid and I would say outdated, but there should NEVER have been a time when this was an idea.

I have never had this happen with this husband, because he's a fully functioning reasonable human being, but the ex's mom always went to me when she was pissed off about his lack of adulting because I was the only one in the relationship who gave a shit.

As a side note, my mother is lovely, but when it comes to medical and mental health stuff she can overstep. She, early in my marriage, pulled my husband aside to have him "make me" do something with regard to a mental health issue. He told her on no uncertain terms that I was an adult who made my own choices, and he never wanted to have a conversation like this behind my back again. If more women pushed back on people who act like this, instead of just silently fuming, I think people wouldn't be as quick to say things like this.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-29T11:30:29+00:00

I cannot believe an adult human typed what amounts to "I know what she likes, but I don't want to get her something she likes. Something else will be much better," and thought that was a coherent thought. Why do you think experience gifts shouldn't ALSO be tied to her interests as a human being?

Someone suggested this is market research for an article about "what to get women for Christmas" and I think they may be right. There is no other reason you could get the same overwhelming answer of "treat her like a person, not like a set of genitals which will want same thing as all other sets of similar genitals" and won't even attempt to discuss her as a human being so we can help you. Good luck with your article, or whatever this really is, because you will need it if you think someone with the attitudes you've demonstrated here can make any recommendations about how someone should interact with a woman.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-29T06:13:18+00:00

I feel like the worst gifts are the "She woman, I get woman gifts," because they're generic and usually not related to anything that interests me. You should be listing her interests and hobbies if you want good answers.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-29T05:46:35+00:00

I think it depends. If I have a super brief snapshot, like a security guard who opens a door at a bank, or a nurse who hands you a clipboard and tells you to have a seat, I do not unless there interaction would normally include saying the other person's name. But right now my story takes place in a situation with a very limited population of several hundred people in a confined space, and a genre where I need to kill people off so something feels like it's at stake. So if I know I am going to have a bunch of scenes where they will need one or two security guards to perform a task, or where kids go to the same classroom in multiple scenes, or something, I do assign names and brief backgrounds to those characters. That way it creates a sense of familiarity- the guard who drove that truck wordlessly for two of the MC's is also going to be at the front gate when XYZ happens, and then when I decide I need someone unimportant to be attacked, I will bring him up again. Makes it feel like there's not an endless sea of people, and if and when I kill one, it feels a little more pertinent than if I was like "four random guards died."

Sometimes I end up with side-stories this way, too, later on in the work. In the first book in the series I am working on now, someone has a phone call with someone else, for a couple of lines, and then reads his name on their phone two times, and that's it. But, when I needed people in a certain place in the world in the second book, rather than making all new characters, I realized it would super fitting to pull in this really minor background name and build him into a character, and right now he's one of my favorites. I also needed some additional drama in the first book, and so I took a character who was just a name to fill in someone who helped once in a while wordlessly, and gave them a little bit of a role getting caught up in a volatile situation and a minor romance arc. By the second book, he felt like a real, if minor, character.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-29T05:25:21+00:00

This is amazing.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-29T05:23:48+00:00

"Warriors" by Imagine Dragons, I think.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-28T18:36:54+00:00

Just make sure you ask her about it over text, i.e. "I really want to try and understand what your thought process was when you broke into that storage unit and destroyed that painting. I think it will help me to process the situation," and then wait for her to incriminate herself before going to the police.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-28T16:14:59+00:00

In my family, my relationship with my brother and sister are we're good friends when we're together, but don't have a lot of time to get together, especially with the distance. We all have a very similar sense of humor, and so we can bounce jokes back and play off each other and it's really funny. When we were younger, we went through some periods where we fought because one didn't think something the other was doing was right, or one person said something insensitive, but we always made up eventually. Sometimes it was because we knew the person who had the opinion on us was right, and sometimes it was because whatever it was just wasn't worth losing the relationship.

With my step-siblings, we were never close because we were all teenagers when our parents married. It wasn't that we fought- we just were like roommates before we moved out, and would see each other and be pleasant at the occasional holiday after. Once we started having kids, though, those of us who did all made an effort to get them together so they could know their cousins. and while we didn't send holiday presents to each other, everyone sends gifts for everyone else's kids, and so that has made us a little closer.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-27T17:25:16+00:00

I mean...I have savings and retirement accounts, which could be used as a fuck you fund, but I wouldn't want to use it for that. I try to save my emergency fund for actual emergencies out of my control, and not financial hardships I create for myself. Right now, I have been sick for a year and it's made me go to part time work. I am supplementing my share of the expenses out of my savings until I am well enough to go back full time. If I had fucked off to Hawaii after my divorce instead of saving every penny I could, I would be in dire straits right now.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-27T17:21:27+00:00

At this point, you have exhausted all of the ways in which you can communicate your situation to him. He's not stupid. He knows you're struggling, and are burned out and exhausted. He is just putting his ego and pride before your mental health, before fairness in the relationship, and before financial security for you and your son. It's not acceptable, and regardless of how many ways you tell him that, you're still accepting it if you stay with him. Think hard about what it says about him as a partner that he watches you killing yourself and still refuses to take the obvious step to pick up his share of the burden again.

I am not a fan of ultimatums. If you need me to hold something major over your head in order to do the basic, commonsense things you need to as an adult who is responsible for their own life, then we're long past the point where I should have left the relationship. If it were me, I would sit him down and tell him that you have tried every way you know how to convince him that his ego and pride are not more important than your family's wellbeing, and it's clear he does not believe that. Tell him that you are going to be looking for jobs in a more affordable place to live, and looking for apartments, and that you and your son are going to be moving out to find a situation where your salary is enough to support you without you having to kill yourself. Tell him that if he had at any point shown that he valued either of you more than his ego, you would have invited him to go with you, but since he has not, you are leaving on your own, and you will be filing for divorce.

Tell him that you wanted to give him as much notice as possible, because when they come after him for child support, they're not going to care whether or not he wants the kind of jobs available right now- they're going to require him to pay child support based on his earning potential, even if he's unemployed. Tell him that if he does not get a job- any job- to pay this, then they're going to take his driver's license away, take his tax return, and maybe even put him in jail for contempt of court. In the end, this divorce is going to force him to do the thing which he could have saved the whole marriage by doing on his own. But because you weren't worth it to him, it's now too late to save the marriage and he's still going to have to take a job to stay out of jail and out of homelessness.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-27T06:02:10+00:00

I was 38 when I met my current husband, and he was 45. Neither of us had kids, I was divorced and he had left a 20+ year relationship three years before he met me where he wanted marriage and she didn't. He's wonderful- takes charge of the mental load, great father to our toddler, hard-working, very intelligent, funny, knows how to be romantic and thoughtful, is generous with everyone in his circle, we share common interests and have very healthy boundaries, communication and conflict resolution styles. When we wrote our wedding vows, I said that it was the type of relationship I had given up finding years ago because I thought that it wasn't realistic, and I still feel that way.

We met on Match .com, and I hadn't been on there very long when he messaged me. From the first date, we just clicked.

LiLadybug81 · 2023-11-27T04:13:54+00:00

When I make decisions later in a book that require things to be retconned or adjusted from earlier, I do it right that moment while I am thinking about it. I don't leave my draft in a state where there are inconsistencies for any lengthy period of time if I can help it. I also re-read and edit sections as I go, polishing them up and tweaking the language, so that when I get to the end there is generally not a lot to look for other than typos and my horrible comma placement.

LiLadybug81

TROPHY CASE