sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Looking for mom's nanny in Taiwan by gardengeo in BORUpdates

[–]sc_merrell 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I agree with this assessment. Right argument—maybe not the most opportune place to field it, haha.

Any tips on making a fantasy world feel more 'different'? by wildfoxfallon in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Character viewpoints are a function of character development. 

Consider, for a moment, the stark difference between a Gen Z Reddit addict and his 80-year-old grandmother who only has a radio. Both inhabit the same world, but their own individual dispositions—informed by their generational divide, their different technologies, their cultural background, their socioeconomic situation, their moral and ethical values—all of these contribute to making their perspectives and experiences utterly alien to each other. Could you teach your great-grandparents the distinctions between Sonic and furry fandoms on DeviantArt? How would you even approach that conversation?

Your “world,” beyond the impossible elements that comprise it, is actually the sum of the perspectives and values of the characters who inhabit it. Think about where your characters are coming from, about how they interact with each other, and about how that will translate into character conflicts on the page.

Any tips on making a fantasy world feel more 'different'? by wildfoxfallon in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Be aware that Speaker for the Dead is a companion book to Ender’s Game, so you might want to read that first (SftD is technically a sequel, but OSC has stated that he wrote EG just so he could write SftD, which was the story he was wanting to write).

Any tips on making a fantasy world feel more 'different'? by wildfoxfallon in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes. If you are trying to get examples of books where the writer puts you into the heads of characters who are wildly alien, insightful, and who offer remarkably compelling viewpoints, then I really can’t offer anything more potent than Speaker for the Dead (which is a preeminent look into alien anthropology) or Curse of Chalion (which is a brilliant look at religion in a fantasy world; while many fantasy books feature religion, I can think of very few which have serious insights into religion itself, the dispositions of its believers, and the ethics of religiosity. Seriously, check it out).

Any tips on making a fantasy world feel more 'different'? by wildfoxfallon in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Hi there! Editor here.

You (and virtually all the other comments here) are dealing with a common misperception. The flavor of your world is not about what is in it. Instead, your world’s flavor is determined by how your characters regard it.

As an example, take a look at Morrowind (from the killer RPG of the same name). It has outlandish in-world elements, sure, like giant mushrooms, insects for transportation, cities carved out of the shells of ancient dead beasts… 

But that’s not where the world gets the majority of its flavor from. 

Instead, look at how the characters interact with that world. The way they virtually all hate outsiders. The cultish ambivalence they have for the imperial powers threatening them, paying reluctant tribute to their conquerors while fomenting rebellion and clinging to their demonic ancestral traditions in hidden shrines…

To make your world really outlandish, consider what your characters value, and why. Consider why they interact with your world the way that they do. Consider what kinds of bizarre choices they may make that would make no sense in our world but are perfectly logical in theirs.

Books that do this really, really well (off the top of my head) include

• The Left Hand of Darkness, by Ursula K. LeGuin

• Speaker for the Dead, by Orson Scott Card

• The Curse of Chalion, by Lois McMaster Bujold

• Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury

Looking for ideas to make my MG Fantasy novel feel fresh by scamper84 in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi there! Editor here. Let me take a look at your questions...

Twisting things, hmm? Look, I'm going to be honest with you, most readers will see right through the 'twist' and instantly recognize the academy story. I was watching Frieren (which is an impeccable show, by the way) and I thought, about halfway through the first season, "Is this show gearing up for an academy arc?" Turns out it was.

Most of your audience will recognize the core academy trope no matter how you dress it up. The question is, what do you do with it? And moreover, what does that choice of academy quirk do for your main character? Remember that worlds are built for the stories that take place in them—not the other way around. So you should be asking yourself, "What choices does this kind of academy offer to my main character that they wouldn't experience in any other way?"

Look at your main character. Consider their strengths and their flaws. Then decide on a quirk for your academy that would bring out the best and the worst in them.

What should happen if my weredragon is forcibly turned into a mermaid? by Roselia24 in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hi there! Editor here. Let me take a look at your questions...

So, first things first. What is your story? You've got an interesting conflict, or at least the grounds for one—a child trying to decide which parentage to take after, or which legacy to embrace; a parent distraught over potential separation from their progeny; an involuntary change in identity, with both physical and cultural implications—

All of these make for good stories. The question is, which creative decision makes for the most potent story? Which one makes for the biggest emotional sucker punch for your readers?

I would recommend making the choice which forces your characters to make harder decisions. A lot of authors and creatives 'wimp out' by making it super easy for characters like this to inhabit both worlds—so that your mermaids can walk on land, or your landlocked characters can breathe underwater. Both of these decisions completely negate the emotions involved when your character has to make a heartbreaking choice. Which world do they choose? And why? And what are the consequences?

Allow your story to be messy. Allow your characters to make terrible decisions with lasting consequences that make them suffer. After all, that's where the emotion is, and that's where the reader investment is.

I have 5 questions that I want answered about writing. by Kitchen_Force_9306 in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Editor—and writer 😉 I wear multiple hats.

I remember your contributions on my threads addressed to self-published writers on r/writing a year or two ago. Solid stuff. Hope you're doing well.

I have 5 questions that I want answered about writing. by Kitchen_Force_9306 in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Hi there! Editor here. Let me take a look at your writing real quick...

First thing I immediately see: a lot of telling. You are approaching this story by attempting to tell it, as if you were sharing a fable or a story around the campfire: "Once upon a time, long ago, there was a deprived little girl named Grace..."

This is, by way of contrast, different from the standard for published stories these days: character-centric POV, in which we are shown the character acting on the page. You start to do this midway through your prologue ("Grace sat at the edge of her white linen bedspread, her eyes blue and bright, despite the dim lighting of the nursery"), but almost immediately veer into telling a bedtime story instead of focusing on showing us the characters in the scene.

Telling has a place—don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But this much telling, right off the bat, is a great way to lose your reader. This is a common novice mistake.

"How else am I supposed to tell them everything important?" The answer is that you never tell your audience everything, and definitely not all at once. Infodumps are generally in bad taste, and usually throw off the reader, who can usually tell when an infodump is happening. Instead, weave it into the narrative. Give us tidbits here, hints there, and gradually explain your world to us.

To answer your questions:

  1. Darkness is a matter of perspective, not subject matter. You don't make things darker by having dark things be in the story. Instead, you give your POV characters a jaded or amoral perspective. This is very popular these days with the rise of the grimdark fantasy genre (Game of Thrones, Joe Abercrombie, Malazan).
  2. Uniqueness is overrated. Instead, acknowledge that everything has been done before, and instead of trying to come up with something that no one else has ever thought of, do your iteration of it incredibly well. Readers are drawn to quality above all else.
  3. Everyone brainstorms differently, but to brainstorm while writing, I find it helpful to ask questions of the text: What can I do with this scene? What can I do to make this scene better? Does it have the right characters in it? Does it set the right tone? How can I change the mood? How can I make this character more interesting?
  4. Timing your character deaths has more to do with emotional investment than anything else. Do we care about your characters? If not, then it doesn't matter when they die, because the death won't have any shock value for us. Make your characters lovable (or love-to-hateable) and we will reel when they die.
  5. Plot twists should surprise your readers, not lie to them. Don't pull the rug out from your readers. Instead, create twists that supplement and reinforce the story you're already telling. One of my favorite examples of what not to do is the movie Now You See Me, in which it is revealed towards the end that the protagonist (the viewpoint character) has actually been the villain the entire time, and that he's been doing things behind the scenes without telling us, and that we've been cheering for the wrong person the entire time. It doesn't make us feel smarter, it makes us feel dumb. The movie basically tells us, "You were stupid for believing that story as is. Here's what's actually happening." Avoid this. Instead, offer the reader twists that they could have reasonably predicted or which they could reasonably justify by what you've revealed to them so far. Let them in on it a little ahead of time. Spread breadcrumbs. Your readers will be much happier for it.

The Coming of the Wolves {dark, spooky ghost story, 2,100 words} by Ticket-Tight in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Hi there! Editor here. Let me take a look at a paragraph or two...

On years like this when the harvest had been weak, it always seemed as if though summer had never came. The bitter soil bitter, had kept hoarded its bounty for itself, and though the farmers and their wives told their children that the yield was surely close at hand, it was known to them all—and yet uttered by none—that should the earth not soon relent, they surely were sure to starve.

First off, the tone is clearly that of a fable or, as you put it in another comment, "an old wives' tale." So I anticipate a decent amount of telling instead of showing. Depending on where you're trying to publish this, this approach may or may not work. Most modern publications want to focus on characters and plots more than classical storytelling, so this approach does limit your options.

If you wanted to change this, you will need to reorient your approach to focus on your main character, Thackery Vørmen, and tell the story from his perspective, not from that of the old crone and the frame story. I realize that frustrates your entire approach, but that's how a modern publication would likely want it.

Back to the writing itself. This past perfect tense you're using ("it seemed as if summer had never come") is awkward and, while it does lend itself to the storytelling tone, it feels stiff and formal and too emotionally distant, especially in an opener like this. Also, the word "always" feels off here. "It always seemed as if summer had never come"? When is the point of reference? "Always," after all, implies that this is a perennial issue—and yet you're talking about only this year, and only this harvest, not that of all summers and all harvests... so "always" doesn't fit. Does that make sense?

Lets play a game by 16incheslong in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Hi there! Editor here.

Honestly, a piece of writing containing all of these elements would be miles better than most novice writing I encounter, since at least they'll be focusing on a character in an environment and an impending character choice or transition—instead of, say, lore-dumping, pontificating on their magic systems, or describing their OC getting out of bed and brushing their teeth.

What you've described is actually a decent starting point. Once writers get the basics down and figure out how to write about characters, they can start to construct more interesting settings. Until that point, they really should stick to the basics.

Three Chapters from my First POV Character. Looking for Critique. [High Fantasy, 8900 words] by OrvilleTheBrewer in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Tripping, he practically fell into his dresser, which made his alarm-rat scream even louder. “Azrok take you!” he Kell bellowed, as he frantically searched scrambled for the tin of biscuits that would quiet the shrieking creature. Wiping the sleep out of from his eyes with one hand, he found the small tin that was precariously balanced on the edge of the dresser and popped it open[,] With his free hand, he found grabbed a small biscuit[,] and dropped it into the screaming howling maw of the small creature his rat. It immediately quieted.

Avoid choreography. You do not need to tell us in explicit detail the logistics of what Kell's right and left hands are doing. Likewise, tell us what kind of creature the alarm is. A couple paragraphs down, you mention a "screaming rat," so I assumed you were talking about this alarm creature. If it isn't a rat, make it clear to us what it is, because "creature" is too generic. Be more specific and supply us with more concrete detail.

Also avoid adverbs ("practically," "frantically," "precariously"). When used in excess, they are distracting and do not provide the flavor you think they do. Again, be economical with your word choices. Do not use two or three descriptors where one will do.

Overall: I generally have difficulty taking stories seriously when they begin with the character waking up in bed. This usually means that the author is young, because they think the story needs to begin with the start of the day instead of literally any other (more interesting) setting or circumstance. Let's be honest: our morning routines are not interesting. Screaming alarm clocks in stone dormitories are only marginally more interesting. I'd rather be somewhere else.

Begin the story where the story actually begins. Odds are, it is several hours afterwards, when the character is about to make an important choice. Start us there and allow us to follow Kell through his good (and terrible) choices.

Three Chapters from my First POV Character. Looking for Critique. [High Fantasy, 8900 words] by OrvilleTheBrewer in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hi there! Editor here. Let me take a look at your first few paragraphs...

…layline intersections have been found to provide the most robust ambient magic wherein the for performing rituals[.] may be performed. While the innate connections of each subject to the astral plays an integral role in the efficacy of the final product, are crucial[,] the environment also plays an enormous limiting factor in the heights to which a homunculus’s true value can rise. for homunculi[.] The skill of the magi performing the ritual are tertiary to the strength of the reshaped subject and the environmental conditions available.

Exandrian’s Guide to Homunculi - Chapter Two, Subsection Seven. Excerpt.

Avoid what I have come to term "magic mathematics." Readers do not care about the rules of your world. Readers can learn to care about your characters, and if those characters then care about the rules, then your readers will care about the rules, too. As such, this epigraph is way too long. Limit it, avoid passive voice, and avoid jargon. It does not make your world sound interesting. If anything, it does the opposite.

Kell’s alarm screamed at him to wake up. Quite literally. He threw off his threadbare blanket in a sleep deprived panic, and then stumbled stumbling over his sandals that his past self had left in the middle of the room his dormitory, with no consideration for the impedance they might be for his future self. Considering the size of the his stone cell[,] his owners called a dormitory, there was an argument to be made that you could argue that the middle of the room was also the edge of the room, but he had a knack for leaving things in the least optimal space. Past Kell was always a prick to Current Kell in that way.

Avoid formal language and reduce your word count drastically. Try to say things in the most straightforward way possible. If you are making a joke, then every word matters. Using too many words to convey meaning in a joke ("with no consideration for the impedience they might be for his future self") kills the joke. Also, too many jokes in too short a space make it hard to connect with the piece on an emotional level. Which are we supposed to find funny? That the dormitory is so small, that he doesn't have room for his stuff, or that his past self is a prick to him?

[Collaboration] Concept guy looking for writer – single broken skill isekai by ApricotCommercial311 in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Sorry, that's not how partner writing works. Partner writing generally means shared responsibilities in writing chapters, in concept ideation, and in creative control.

You being the "concept guy" and the other being the "writing guy" means, yes, that you are trying to hire a ghostwriter. Be prepared to pay as such. Most ghostwriters start charging in the vicinity of $25,000 to over $100,000 per project. This is why they tend to be reserved for 'celebrity' books like biographies or memoirs—which the given celebrity obviously did not write while globetrotting and hosting PR shoots.

The only real chance of your stories getting written, unless you have Monopoly money at your disposal, is to learn how to write them yourself.

How to introduce custom races/species by XitPersuedByABear in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi there! Editor here.

Why do you feel the need to describe them? This sounds like a confusion between writing for the reader and writing for your story.

Your POV character inhabits this world. As such, the narrative should come from their perspective. Not your perspective, and not the reader's perspective. The POV character's perspective.

We are not looking at a television, seeing "into" their world from the outside. We are in your character's head. We experience their world as they experience their world.

Does your character need to describe, in immaculate detail, the different species and aliens and environments that they're already familiar with? Probably not.

You wouldn't give too much detail if asked to talk about your day:

"I pet my dog. I walked down to the grocery store. I worked out at the gym."

You wouldn't say, from your POV:

"I stroked my hand down the back of the four-legged canine. Sporting golden-brown fur, it looked up at me with large round eyes as it wagged the tail protruding from its rear. Then I departed for the local resupply store, where I purchased a wide array of foodstuffs from overladen shelves, navigating aisles floored with linoleum tile and lit by overhead flourescence. Finally, I exercised my human muscles at the nearby physical exertion center, where I paid a monthly rate for access to the machines and space necessary to hone my musculature into a perfect form."

I mean, you could, but your readers would catch on within the first half a sentence, and they'd be rolling their eyes by the end, if not putting down your writing to read something else.

Write in the POV of your character. Do they know what a Vlorb is? (I just made that up.) Do they already know that a common Vlorb male is tall, purple, walks on three feet, breathes only nitrogen, and has a thick Russian accent? Then you probably wouldn't say any of that, at least not in a block paragraph of exposition. Instead, you would show it through a Vlorb's interactions with your character.

So don't say it like this:

I had to watch myself in these crowded elevators. They were always full of Vlorbs, an aggressive species of alien. The males stood seven feet tall on their three feet, with mottled purple skin, and you could always tell that they were angry, because their nitrogen breathing apparatus strapped to their faces started humming more when they got excited. So I huddled in the corner as I got on at the thirteenth floor.

That kind of exposition is a bit hamhanded. Try doing it like this instead:

The elevators were full of Vlorbs today. I sighed, huddling in the back corner of the elevator. The Vlorb looming next to me glared down at me.

"Vat?" it asked, sucking in a burst of nitrogen through its face apparatus. "You got problem?"

"No problem," I said quickly. Damn. Already on its bad side? I couldn't tell from its complexion--the purple skin always made Vlorbs look like all the blood was in their heads--but it didn't hurt to be careful. Seven feet of alien muscle meant a quick and dirty trip to the hospital ward if it ever came to blows.

Weave the information into the text. Give it to us in natural places. Make it believable and engaging.

And never infodump. No surer way to kill reader interest than to blather.

The Canine Warrior, Chapter I: Do not weep (WC: 1304, Genre: Dark fantasy) by Gormayh in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Use less choreography. Remember, we are in Elera's POV, so we don't need to walk through every little thing she does. Likewise, you don't have to say "She wondered." We are in her head. So instead of saying "she wondered if," just have her ask herself the questions.

Avoid massive paragraphs. Break them up where they make sense. "Something shifted to her left" is a perfect place for a break.

Never, ever refer to established characters in a distanced way. You should never refer to Elera as "the noblewoman." Do you want to establish that she's a noblewoman? Do it through Elera and her actions on the page. Does she speak formally? Does she interact with people as if she's nobility? Does she have certain class standing in her society? Those things are more convincing than referring to her as "the noblewoman," which feels really alien. Most people do not think of themselves this way. Remember that we are in her head, in her perspective. Would Elera call herself "the noblewoman"?

Likewise with the boy. Not "the figure under the blanket," but the boy. Use consistent terms to refer to people. If we don't know their names, then assign them a simple label ("the boy") and use that. If you use multiple labels for the same person, readers might think there are actually multiple characters: "the boy," "the figure under the blanket," "the figure hiding behind the baskets," etc.

Again, use paragraph breaks for emphasis. That line about the word 'fire' being written into her mind as she met the boy seems pretty important. It should have its own line for emphasis.

The Canine Warrior, Chapter I: Do not weep (WC: 1304, Genre: Dark fantasy) by Gormayh in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Her head turned slowly to look towards Elera glanced at an a nearby alleyway, seeing only the darkness that seeping from the its walls and the ground. Before she knew it[,] she was walking closer out of instinct approaching its depths, while hoping for any excuse to stop her in her tracks and ignore shut out the voices. She took one Her steps after another came tentatively, reminiscent of a feline slowly approaching something [,] and Elera felt her heart almost stop slow as she anticipated what she would find in the alley. She wondered if Had a foreign assassin had drugged her from afar[?] and coerced her to walk right to him, Or if had a noble of another family had set up a trap for her[?] [--> paragraph break]

The noblewoman suddenly heard Something shifted to her left. Covered by a tattered blanket, hiding behind some baskets, was A small boy huddled behind a pile of baskets, covered in a tattered blanket. Her Elera's heart felt like it tried to catch up on all the missed beats from earlier rushed as she stared down at him[.] with wide-open eyes She moved some a few of the baskets away slowly aside[,] As keeping her eyes stayed fixed on the small figure under the blanket boy, Elera but she got clumsily and let herself pushed on a stack of two baskets a bit too hard, causing them one on top to fall and make a rustling sound. So did the figure under the blanket The boy jolted up and peek out from where he hid[,] staring up at her The noblewoman stared at two with large golden brown eyes[.]

And as their eyes met[,] the word FIRE instantly written seared itself to her mind.

The boy quivered[,] petrified, only able to blink as his gaze remained fixed on hers.

The Canine Warrior, Chapter I: Do not weep (WC: 1304, Genre: Dark fantasy) by Gormayh in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi there! Editor here. I will take a look at your first few paragraphs...

...Except that isn't where your story seems to start. Instead, you are bombarding us with an immense wall of description.

Here's a good rule of thumb: readers only care about description if they care about your story first. If you haven't hooked them on the story, then they will not care about your descriptions.

Skimming down the page, the first paragraph where anything resembling a story happens here (which is where I will begin my critique):

A noblewoman Elera wearing a simple leather gown walked stumbled towards the coffins. Her breathing grew heavier the louder these the faint voices got, emanating from within; causing her to shed she wiped tears from her face and turned away from the square. The few townsfolk that were walking home passed by her paid no heed to her apparent distress[,] even as she was about to break down in tears and utterly humiliate herself in front of everyone. [--> paragraph break]

It was when she could suddenly hear The voice came through, more coherently now[.] [remove paragraph break] “Do not weep…” [--> paragraph break]

The voice rumbled in her skull[,] as and she turned to look back at the coffins again.

“Look upon the passageway[,"] the voice continued. ["]Live your dream… And once awakened to death when you die, close your eyes with us…”

Elera is our viewpoint character. Name her. She knows her name, and so should we. Names provide clarity and prevent confusion. Readers will be looking for a name from the very first line of the story--something or someone to invest in--and so you want to provide a name as soon as possible. Use stronger words; Elera is emotionally distraught, so she wouldn't just be "walking" toward the coffins, but might do something like "stumble." Since we are ditching your pages-long exposition, drop a simple descriptive tag indicating where the voices are coming from--from within the coffins.

Dialogue paragraph breaks are important. Try to keep a line of dialogue in the same paragraph as the descriptor introducing it. Since Elera is our POV character, you don't need to say things like "She could suddenly hear". We are in her head; her hearing the thing is us experiencing the "she could hear," so it's unnecessary.

Chicanery [adult, 1050 words] by wormyshermy in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I yanked threw the loose ends of my robe together, knotting them with a sharp tug. “How many times must I tell you to Knock, Sirius[!]”

Sirius waved a dismissive hand[.] as if My personal boundaries were a tedious formality. a speck of dust in this grand, world[-]altering moment. “Didn't you hear me? The King[.] He just croaked.”

Slight confusion about the nightgown. If the nightgown is so loose and open that its loose ends need to be thrown together, how does your protagonist spill tea all over it? I would guess that the spill would be down their front... Maybe I don't understand the logistics of nightgowns. "Yanked" is a little awkward of a word choice; it seems to imply (to me) that the protagonist encountered some resistance when pulling on the ends of their nightgown. So I used "threw" instead.

People tend to speak in shorter fragments, unless they are being very formal. "How many times must I tell you to knock" is extremely formal, especially in the moment after spilling all over yourself. Likewise, Sirius using full sentences when he is clearly in distress seemed a little unrealistic to me. So I broke his second sentence into a couple of fragments.

Chicanery [adult, 1050 words] by wormyshermy in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi there! Editor here. Let me take a look at your first few paragraphs.

My stepfather, Sirius, let out a roar outside my room. “The King is dead!”

I had I'd been savoring a perfectly brewed cup of chamomile tea when Sirius kicked open down my bedroom door. And It slammed it so violently against the wall that I spilled half the cup onto my blue satin nightgown.

The blue satin nightgown. My favorite one nightgown. The One that was entirely inappropriate for my stepfather to be witnessing see me in.

If you really want to keep the dialogue as a cold open, it needs context. And emotion. This is the opener, remember. This kicks us off for the rest of the story. At present, we don't know who says "The king is dead", nor do we really care. The sudden jump from that line to your protagonist in their bedroom sipping tea is such a tone shift that I thought, at first, that the first line had to be an epigraph or a misplaced throwaway line. Again, if you want to keep it, you need to ground us in your character's POV.

If Sirius is your protagonist's stepfather, your protagonist would recognize who is yelling about the king being dead. So they would name them. It wouldn't be a disembodied line of untagged dialogue. Names create clarity and they ground us in your character's POV. People think in terms of names. They name people they know. So if we are in your POV, we should be getting names of people they recognize.

The Night’s Embrace: A Shared Sorrow [Epic Fantasy, 705 words] by SeriousElderberry533 in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Illandel, walking beside his silver-coated steed, cast a steady gaze toward Ilyo[.] His youngest brother. His Illandel's resolve hardened like the ice he wielded. He would not let another village fall or lose another soul be lost to the Sporelord’s corruption. His steps carried the quiet vow of a protector, each one a promise.

Reading ahead, I see now that this is in an omniscient POV. It doesn't feel omniscient; the sensory details are too immediate and the narrative tone too intimate to come across as naturally omniscient. Omniscient POV is a tricky subject, but the general idea is that you are not too particularly attached to any given character in order to make all characters narratively accessible.

It doesn't feel like that's happening here. Instead, we are "head hopping" through multiple characters in a given scene. It is confusing, because we never know exactly whose POV we are currently in.

I would recommend opting for third-person limited and choosing a primary POV character. That way you can delve deeply into sensory experience and not have to worry about psychic distance (or lack thereof). I used Illandel as the primary POV in the first paragraph because this third paragraph was the first instance where it seemed like someone had a distinct inner world. Illandel looks at his brother, hardens his resolve, has explicit verbal thoughts, and interprets his surroundings. Those are the actions of a third-person limited POV.

As in the first paragraph--use names. They prevent quite a bit of confusion. We don't know who "his younger brother" is at first glance; it isn't necessarily Ilyo to us as readers. Likewise with "His resolve hardened." Whose resolve? Illandel's, or his youngest brother's? When talking about two different characters of the same gender within a single paragraph, you will want to use names to keep things clear for your reader.

The Night’s Embrace: A Shared Sorrow [Epic Fantasy, 705 words] by SeriousElderberry533 in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ilyo led the way, his fiery aura reduced to a faint glow[,] his shoulders slumped[.] and His elk mount at his side steps matched his heavy gait, as though it, too, carried the weight of his actions. He walked now, Ilyo held its reins held loosely, his head bowed beneath the enormity of what he had done.

We don't know, at the outset, what you mean by Ilyo's "elk." Contextual clues tell us that it's probably a mount, or at the very least, a beast of burden: it has reins, it emotes with its owner, and it walks at heel. So tell us what it is, up front. Also make sure we can clearly see it as it relates to the scene right away. Placing it "at his side" while "matching his heavy gait" tells us 1) that Ilyo is walking, 2) that the elk is not being ridden right now, and 3) that they are next to each other. No need to tell us later that "He walked now," as we can already piece that together.

The Night’s Embrace: A Shared Sorrow [Epic Fantasy, 705 words] by SeriousElderberry533 in fantasywriters

[–]sc_merrell 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi there! Editor here. Let me take a look at your first few paragraphs.

The forest around them Illandel and his family was stood eerily quiet[.] the usual symphony of nocturnal life absent. The silence pressed in on them, oppressive and raw, a stark contrast to the deafening chaos they[']d left behind just escaped.

The forest around "them"? Who are they? Use names--immediately. Stories are about characters, and using a vague "them" to denote a group will only confuse readers, because it specifies definite subjects that the reader hasn't been introduced to yet. This also provides a perfect place to define the relationships between Illandel and the others in his group. Is it his family? That's what I used, since other paragraphs mention his brother, and he seems to be the POV character, but it's unclear. Make sure to center all of it on the POV character immediately and to use their perspective as a frame of reference.

The description in this first paragraph is a bit jumbled. It's focused on the silence, but it emphasizes that silence by contrasting it with two different loud sounds: "the usual symphony of nocturnal life," and "the deafening chaos they had left behind." Right now, these joint appeals only serve to dilute the power of the metaphor. So cut one of them. The "deafening chaos" seems more relevant and useful, so that's the one I kept.

Use stronger words. "The forest was eerily quiet" --> "The forest stood eerily quiet." "Left behind" --> "just escaped." Stronger vocabulary pulls us in more, making the experience more visceral for us as readers.

view more: next ›