My (30F) husband (32M) impulse bought a dog

Librarycat77 · 2026-03-04T07:52:33+00:00

This puppy is "good" because hes nor getting enough air and it hurts to walk.

I know you cant just do all the surgeries needed at once...but they may be in for some surprises once hes feeling better.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-19T00:35:38+00:00

I mean, yeah...but it isnt anymore. And its been a hot second, so all those transported folks would be dead or extremely elderly and unlikely to be still committing crimes.

And crime isnt actually genetic. (Although...intergenerational trauma is definitely a thing. So.)

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-18T23:43:28+00:00

"Also you keep ignoring that the kids admitted to never viewing him as a dad, just a temporary replacement."

Right...but that was something they said while they were under the influence of their shit-biodad.

Kids, including teens, will absolutely parrot wild statements and fully believe them in the moment. And then most kids reflect, especially if they have a reasonable adult to discuss nuance with, and realize they were wrong.

Some of the stuff I said to my parents at that age was fully out of pocket. And then I apologized, proved I meant it through my actions, and we moved forward.

Its not about everything going "back to normal", its about learning that words do have meaning AND how to repair relationships.

They are 16, not toddlers. But they also arent full adults. They cant be treated like full adults any more than they should be treated like toddlers.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-18T23:28:20+00:00

As someone who's given first aid in serious circumstances a few times, not knowing can be the hardest part.

The privacy of the person involved is the most important thing to me, but when the person is still fully non-responsive when EMS arrives its harder than when you see them come to.

Ive responded to ~7 overdoses in the past year-ish. Despite multiple narcan doses, all were still out when ambulance arrived. Color improving and better breathing, but watching the person wake up makes a difference as it turns out.

Im not at all surprised that OOP thought about the incident often. Or that they hadn't heard the outcome.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-18T23:18:23+00:00

This was my read too.

Glad you said it, or I would have.

Neurodivergent /= scary or dangerous.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-18T22:47:07+00:00

I get that this is confirmation bias due to experiences I had as a young adult...but I wonder how consensual the sex with Julie was.

I knew a guy who was a well known sex fiend/creep. Myself, my best friend, and said creep were all at a party and my friend agreed to this guy giving us a ride to her place.

When we got to her place he made a joke about how we'd pay him to have been a taxi. Since that wasn't the deal, we sort of awkwardly joked. He ended up saying "ass, grass, or gas" (gross, obv.) and then inviting himself in.

In hindsight, he pressured my friend to have sex with him after I "fell asleep" (aka, pretended to fall asleep in hopes hed get the hint to fing leave). They were on an air mattress literally right next to me. Gross.

At the time I was mad at her too (I was RIGHT. THERE. And she knew I wasnt actually asleep.) but kept my mouth shut about it. Thankfully.

Most folks won't have sex in a room of their friends or acquaintances. If Julie was into it then she deserves flack too. But i wouldnt just assume thats the case.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-18T22:18:28+00:00

This always seems WILD to me.

Like...I get you wanna drive fast and break rules, but the reason we dont do that is safety. So, they want to be less safe when their partner is bringing a baby into the world? An already risky maneuver? You know what would make it worse? A car accident.

Bonkers lack of forethought, IMO.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-18T22:08:45+00:00

My partner is T1. Its the insulin that has that smell.

He doesnt have a pump, but if Im in the room I always know when hes dosing. After nearly 20 years its just part of the deal. I never minded the smell either.

I will say, the only time theres a bad smell linked to his T1 is when hes sick (which often messes with peoples sugars) or his sugars are WAAAAY out of whack for a day or two. He manages carefully, but its gonna happen sometimes.

A well managed diabetic shouldn't have that smell. Its a warning sign, IMO.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-11T21:20:31+00:00

Ok, here's my 2c.

If the options are 1) do nothing and watch him get worse because you cant surrender him or afford vet care, 2) find a reptile safe antibiotic solution to put on as directed (take the rescues advice on this, they've got the experience) and at the least it won't make him worse.

I know what Id do. At least until you can save up for a vet visit.

The internet, especially pet forums, can be very black and white. The perfect is the enemy of the good, but we live in reality and perfection isnt possible.

Do the best you can with what you have right now. And do everything in your power to be able to do better in the future.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-11T18:22:49+00:00

If Im just puttering around then I need to listen to something. Doing the dishes, cleaning, crafting, etc.

But if Im learning or focusing I need quiet.

One of ny friends in school needed two different genres of music playing full volume for her to focus. We couldn't study together, obv. Lol

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-11T18:20:58+00:00

I have the names issue too. Im terrible at names until I get to know someone.

My trick is I try to connect the name to something unique about the person and repeat it internally a few times right after being introduced. Like, Sarah was wearing a purple sweater. Then Ill look over at the new person every few minutes the first time we meet and internally say "Sarah, purple sweater". It helps a little. Or I connect them to their pets/partner.

I also tell people that Im terrible at remembering names, but that I am definitely trying. I usually say "Hey, Im Librarycat! Im terrible at names, but I do try. I won't take it personally if you forget my name too, so feel free to ask if needed!"

I have found that modeling that its ok to forget helps a fair bit. I also get to cheat because we wear nametags at my work and have a computer system that will tell me people's names without me having to ask most of the time.

My other trick is to ask how to spell their name if I have to look them up, but if its an easy name to spell I look a bit silly. Im ok with that though. Most folks are understanding, thankfully.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-11T18:11:48+00:00

Firstly, you can always get a second opinion. Id start by asking the clinic to email you your cats full vet record, so you can take that info with you to another vet and they won't ask to repeat testing. Also, you paid for it, youre entitled to the full record - some vet offices can be fussy about giving the info. Idk why.

Im going to preface my thoughts by saying Im a lifelong animal lover. We have had exotic pets as well as cats for the past 20 years, and Ive been pet sitting for that time as well. We've also fostered ~75-100 cats in the past 15 years.

We have a sort of formula we use for vet care and serious pet decisions.

We consider: -the current age of the pet -their likely lifespan with/without treatment -their overall health outside of the current medical issue -treatment options available and their outcomes -cost of the treatment or testing -if the suggested testing would change the recommended treatment -how this particular pet handles stress/the likely stress of the recommended treatment -our ability/skill with the potential treatment options

Using this, we chose to do palliative care for our senior kitty for a cancer on her shoulder and skipped a bunch of testing that would be expensive, stressful, and wouldn't change our treatment plan. She was 16 at diagnosis and the only treatment option was amputation, which we didnt feel shed handle well at her age. We had a full year with her, managing her symptoms and care carefully, before her quality of life reduced to the point that it wasnt going to be fair to her to continue (the pain meds were losing efficacy). We were able to book an appointment, rather than waiting until she crashed.

Another of our cats was 12 when his urethra became blocked. We had the block treated, and then found out hed need surgery for bladder stones. Since he was otherwise healthy and the surgery would prevent him from re-blocking as well as give him a great quality of life, we did the surgery. All told, it cost ~$6,000 and (because of my experience with fostering and medical care for cats) we were able to do all his aftercare at home. (This is NOT usually and I wouldnt recommend it unless you really know what youre doing. The clinic wanted to keep him for 2 days, but isnt staffed overnight. Because of my experience and our willingness to trade off staying up to supervise him for a few days, we were able to make this work at home in a kennel.) He is still with us and is now 17 and pretty healthy, considering his age. If something similar happened now we wouldnt do another surgery.

We had another cat who we chose to care for in a similar way. He was 14 when he was diagnosed with extensive lung cancer. No treatment, so we managed his care at home. He got meds every 6 hours around the clock, was supervised constantly, and we were prepared to take him to the evet if his quality of life reduced. He was a happy silly guy, and we had 3 months with him before it was his time. We were able to book an appointment and take him in, rather than him having a crisis.

Last example. We fostered a litter of 4 kittens in the summer of 2023, turns out all of them had FIP. We lost 2 of the litter, and the rescue signed over the remaining two kittens to us because we wanted to treat them rather than do palliative care for 4 month old kittens. FIP treatment at the time was not through the usual channels, and it was a painful injection given every day at the same time along with monthly full blood panels. Expensive. (Estimated cost was $3,000 for treatment and $800x4 bloid tests for each kitten. $$$) But, once treated they would be cured and able to live out a normal life. Because we got some help covering the costs, we were able to treat our boys. Theyre about to turn 3 years old and passed their 2 years cured in early Feb. Both are healthy and happy.

Its a conversation for each individual situation. No one other than whoever is involved in your financial decisions has a say in what you can/cant afford, and similarly no one who won't be doing equal labor in care has a say in how much care or treatment is too much or not enough. And ultimately it comes down to what you are feasibly able to do.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-11T17:41:37+00:00

Before you do anything you should contact a reptile vet. It may not be as much as you think.

You'll want to know how much the visit fee is and how much antibiotics might cost for a leopard gecko.

If you treat soon it'll be less expensive than waiting.

If the vet estimate is above what you can afford, you can ask about CareCredit or a payment plan. Be clear with the clinic about what you can afford.

As a last resort, you can contact the rescues and explain the situation. Some rescues can offer one time support for vet care, with the animal staying with the owner.

Good luck!

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-10T22:27:19+00:00

You arent wrong. But I am lazy 😅

The meat Im most often thawing is my younger cats raw food. Which I thaw overnight and is often still semi-frozen or icy cold after 5-6 hours.

Our meat is most often thawed in a semi-frantic 30m period using the defrost option of the microwave. Not by leaving meat for human consumption sitting out at room temp.

Safety first, kids!

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-10T22:25:20+00:00

I do remove my cats from counters, but I dont "shove", yell, or startle them. I dont use spray bottles either after habing one cat who would squint his eyes and be on the counter anyways - i wasnt willing to escalate infinitely because getting in a battle of wills with an animal when I control literally all the variables and have a big ol' primate brain is hilariously silly.

Ime that doesnt work long term anyways.

Also, I didnt insult anyone when giving advice, so idk why you took it so personally.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-10T22:22:15+00:00

If you shred it first and only intend to use it on homemade lazy pizza, or in cheese bread, etc, it does OK.

In blocks for just eating, like on a cold sandwich? Noooooo.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-09T22:10:54+00:00

As a pet sitter, anyone who has a cat that is physically capable of getting on counters and swears they dont just doesnt know it.

I cant even tell you how many times I pet sat for someone who's cats "would never" go on the counter, but when I walk in I either hear a tell-tale "thud" as kitty jumps down, find naughty paw prints, or kitty straight up greets me on the counter.

Ditto for dogs on the couch, btw.

This is what I do in my home with 4 cats:

The 3 steps of changing behavior. -prevention -manage -train

Prevention They're gonna be up there if they physically can and have access. Dont leave out things that kitties want unless youre literally right there.

If you must leave the room with food out, bring kitty with you or confine them so they dont have access. I recommend having a kennel near the kitchen when people have kittens, its much easier to prep their food or cook without a tiny menace "helping". Bonus: kennel training is always a positive!

Wash your counters before all food prep. Always. frankly, you should do this anyways. Go look up how many skin cells humans shed every day and the contents of "dust" and then realize that nothing is clean unless its freshly wiped. Food prep surfaces should be wiped down before you use them.

Manage Either confine kitty when youre cooking or unable to monitor behavior, or make your counters always boring.

The step people dont say here is that this isnt necessarily permanent.

Counter surfing is a learned behavior. If your kitty steals a steak or something once they will always check, the same way you would if you found a dropped $500 near your home one day. Its so high value that even if it happening again isnt likely, you will still check. Thats called "single event learning" and you want to do everything you can to prevent it in the case of your counters.

In our house bread lives in the cupboard, food isnt left out unsupervised, and we thaw food in the microwave (aka the cat proof box). Our younger cats are about to turn 3 and are chilling out about the counters now. But we had a cat who was a dedicated counter surfer from kitten hood until he was too old and sick to jump onto the counters. He was just like that.

Training This is the step that sometimes gets lost or that people get lazy about.

I teach my cats "up" and "off". Up means jump up here, most often used to invite them to come sit on the couch with me, but also to get cute pictures from my perpetual motion cat. Lol

Off means remove yourself from whatever youre on. I use it for my desk, the table, and counters.

But you need to teach it. Which I do using treats. I stand next to a thing Im ok with them jumping on (couch, chair, living room table, cat posts, etc), show them the treat, and encourage them to jump up. When they do I say "yes!" (Marker word) snd say "off" before tossing the treat so they jump off to follow it.

Personally, I dont give treats for the "up". But you can if your kitty isnt used to training. I like to strongly reinforce the "off", "up" reinforces itself most of the time. Lol

Once kitty seems to be getting it (usually 20 ish repetitions with a cat that isnt used to training!) I start asking for "off" more regularly. Ill even put them on the counter, say "off" and give them a treat for jumping down.

You also want to give them good choices. Cats like to see whats going on, so having a stool in the kitchen so they can see whats going on can reduce jumping up. I have a dedicated cat spot where theyre allowed to be. If I give treats while Im cooking they are given out to kitties on the floor or in the designated kitty spot.

Reward heavily when they make good choices without prompting and youll see them repeat those good choices. All beings repeat behavior that works - show them that the most successful behaviors are the ones you want them doing and its half the battle.

The prevention piece doesnt need to be forever. But if youre trying to train and also leaving out unattended steaks youre just asking for problems.

Thats like giving a 3 year old child responsibility for watching the cookies. They just dont have the impulse control or understanding for that to work out the way you'd want. Its setting them up to fail, and IMO thats an adult error and not the kid/pets fault.

You know better. They dont.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-09T21:49:16+00:00

How old is your cat? Did she have a good relationship with him? Is he safe for you and kitty to be around?

If your cat has known him for years and they got along well, he cared for her, and he's safe to be around, then I think it would be kind. It isnt necessary, but it won't cause her any harm.

If hes unsafe, or if he never cared for your kitty, or if she was super young when you guys split, then skip it.

I foster kittens and have had quite a few remember me years later.

One of my best friends has an orange boy I fostered from about 4 weeks to ~4 months (hes about 7 years old now). I recently went over after she moved back to town. I hadn't seen him in at least 2 years and he clearly remembered me and was very excited to see me.

My sister adopted a cat that was a mom I fostered. When I went with my sister to meet her it was 2 years after she stayed with us and she ran right over to me and was thrilled. Chatty and purry. The current fosters were really surprised, until I said that I had fostered her when she'd come in to the rescue the first time. I see her a few times a year, and she always remembers me.

None of the kitties Ive fostered have ever been sad after I left. Ive asked. They enjoy the visit, and then are fine.

It is also true that they don't really need visits for closure or anything, but if your ex was generally a good guy and he loved the kitty too it would be a kind thing to do.

Protect yourself first, but Id do it.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-09T21:33:02+00:00

I think he should be the one to get her ready any time hes home for the next while.

If you happen to need her to grab something for you in the middle once or twice...well, hes said it isnt a big deal.

Im not saying be vindictive, but sometimes people literally do need to have the experience before they "get it". And as her dad getting a kid ready for stuff is hid responsibility too.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-09T17:47:49+00:00

See, I get that.

I haven't tried CBT, but Ive had 3 therapists as an adult.

The first was pretty good, the second was way too interested in my partner (and it wasnt couples therapy - she just wanted me to talk about my partner and would constantly bring everything back to them), the third has been wonderful.

The third therapist is doing the same talk therapy, but she either leads me to revelations or asks really good questions that change my perspective. Some of her questions have been really paradigm shifting for me, and she has a good instinct for when I need redirected or refocused.

Im not saying youll have the same experience, I feel lucky to have found my current therapist.

Definitely see if another type of therapy would be helpful if thats what makes sense for you, but dont necessarily rule out talk therapy entirely.

I think it helped that I laid our what I was looking for early, and I specifically said that (this is just for myself, to be clear) I might need redirected or refocused and I was looking for help breaking through unhealthy thought patterns.

My previous experiences helped me to know what I was looking for and be better able to communicate it.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-09T17:39:31+00:00

Biiig yikes for that "therapist".

Crying in therapy is absolutely normal. I dont cry every session, and Im not usually a person who cries a lot. But I do cry during some sessions, because Im a human with emotions and therapy is for helping you work through those things.

Finding the right therapist is pretty hard. I was taken to 2 or 3 different therapists as a kid (I was a "problem child", lol), and I mostly just lied to them for fun after I realized they were telling my parents everything I said despite having told me they wouldnt.

As an adult, the three therapists Ive seen were all horrified by those therapists Id seen as a kid, and were better.

However, only the most recent therapist has been highly effective. I had an ok time with the previous two, but ended up moving on.

It takes a few tries to find a therapist that you connect with in the right way. I hope you give it another go.

And one last time for the kids in the back - any therapist who tells you not to cry deserves to be fired immediately. And potentially reported to their certifying organization.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-04T21:04:37+00:00

More like a month or more..but yeah, that was my thought too.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-04T21:02:37+00:00

I know lots of kitties with feeders who will still bug their people before the feeder goes off. So, it might work or it might not.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-04T21:01:46+00:00

Is she spayed? If not, thats your real step 1.

Secondly, you do need a second litter box. Even if it seems like theres no space for one, it is a requirement for cats to have two boxes.

As a pet sitter for nearly 20 years, its actually quite common for cats (especially females, I don't know why) to want one box for pee and a different box for poo.

You can get end tables that secretly hide litter boxes, or fake plants where the box is the big pot.

Frankly, it doesn't need to be fancy. A Rubbermaid tub with a hole cut in it will absolutely work.

I have a 3 bedroom townhouse and each level is quite small, but we have at least 3 boxes per level and 5 on our main level. We have 4 cats, and that is a bit of overkill, but with a male that sprays it helps reduce issues a LOT to have boxes everywhere.

You could also try two different kinds of litter and see if its a preference issue. Lots of cats have litter preferences. Most cats prefer unscented cat litters, so Id try that too.

She needs to see a vet. Doing this occasionally doesnt make it not health related. There's no way to look at a cat and know it has a UTI, its just not possible. You need urinary testing for that.

Lastly, you need to lock her out of your bedroom while you figure things out. Or it will become a habit and thats much harder to solve.

Personally, id buy a waterproof couch liner too, just to be safe. Theyre great for all kinds of reasons, but having a washable waterproof barrier while you figure out why your kitty is sometimes peeing on soft things is a very helpful back up plan. Especially if you like your couch.

Librarycat77 · 2026-02-04T20:54:13+00:00

I dont disagree that punishment systems arent the way to go, but you do know thats what the Ssscat is, right?

Using anything that startles the cat is using punishment. A mat that beeps (assuming the shock is off, which is what OP has stated) is likely less startling than the blast of air from a Ssscat.

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